Macunaíma, page 8
The next day Macunaíma no longer took a shine to the capital of the Republic. He traded his Vató stone for a picture in the paper and went back to the taba on the Igarapé Tietê.
Chapter 9. Letter to the Icamiabas
To our most cherished subjects, Mesdames Amazons.
The Thirtieth of May, One Thousand Nine Hundred and Twenty-Six, São Paulo.
Mesdames:
It shall cause you no small astonishment, to be sure, to note the address and contents of this missive. It is incumbent upon us, notwithstanding, to commence these lines of longing and utmost affection, with unpleasant tidings. ’Tis indeed true that in the good city of São Paulo—the greatest in the universe, as its prolix inhabitants are wont to declare—ye are not known as “Icamiabas,” a spurious locution, but rather by the appellation of Amazons; and in regards to you,’tis averred, that ye mount bellicose stallions and hail from classical Hellas; and thus are ye called. Such absurdities of erudition have weighed heavily upon us, your Imperator, yet nonetheless shall ye herewith be in agreement with us that, thusly, do ye become all the more heroic and prominent, burnished with that respectable platina of tradition and ancient purity.
Yet we ought not to while away your ferocious time, much less conturbate your comprehension, with reports of poor calibre; let us proceed, thus, immediately, to the relating of our exploits down here.
Not five suns had come and gone since we took leave of you, when the most dreadful misfortune befell Us. One fair evening on the ides of May in the year set down, we lost the muiraquitã; which others have spelled as muraquitã, and, certain learned gentlemen, ever vigilant of extravagant etymologies, orthographize as muyrakitan and even muraqué-itã, laugh not! Ye shall know that said vocable, so familiar to your Eustachian tubes, is virtually unheard of here. Throughout these highly civilized parts, the warriors are called policemen, traffic cops, civic-guards, boxers, legalists, rabblerousers, etc.; a portion of these terms being preposterous neologisms—nefarious rubbish by which derelicts and dandies do besmirch good Lusitanian speech. Yet we have not the leisure to go rambling on for the purposes of discoursing “sub tegmine fagi,” upon the Portuguese language, also known as Lusitanian. It shall be of surpassing interest to you, most assuredly, to discover that the warriors from here do not seek out warlike damsels in epithalamic union; rather they do prefer those who are docile and easily won in exchange for volatile little pieces of paper that would in vulgar parlance be called money—the “curriculum vitae” of Civilization, to which we presently make it a point of honor to belong. Therefore, the word muiraquitã, which presently wounds the Latinate ears of your Emperor, remains unknown to these warriors, and to all who generally respire hereabouts. Only a select few “individuals of importance in virtue and letters,” as that fine old classical Friar Luís de Sousa hath declared, as cited by Dr. Rui Barbosa, persist in casting their light upon these muiraquitãs, so as, in turn, to appraise them to be of but middling value, deriving from Asia, and not from your fingers, that do give them a rough polish.
We were still grievous stricken of heart from having lost our muiraquitã, saurian in form, when perchance due to some metapsychic confluence, or, qui lo sá, provoked by some manner of nostalgic libido, as expounded by the Teutonic sage, Dr. Sigmund Freud (pronounced Froyd), there appeared to us in a dream a wondrous archangel. It was through him that we thereupon discovered that the lost talisman, lay in the esteemed hands of Sir Venceslau Pietro Pietra, subject of the Viceroyalty of Peru, and of frankly Florentine descent, like to the Cavalcantis of Pernambuco. And given that this gentleman did reside in the illustrious city of Father Anchieta, we departed hither posthaste, in pursuit of the stolen fleece. Our present relations with Sir Venceslau remain as favorable as possible; and undoubtedly shall ye in brief time receive the felicitous tidings that we shall have recovered the talisman; whereupon we shall claim our reward of you.
Because, esteemed subjects, it stands without contest that We, your Imperator, should find ourselves in a most precarious condition. As regards the treasure that we brought from there, it became imperative upon us to convert it into the prevailing currency of this country; and such conversion hath rendered our livelihood most difficult to maintain, owing to fluctuations of the Exchange Rate and cacao beans going bust.
Ye shall know further that the ladies hereabouts do not get clubbed head over heels into submission nor do they play around merely for the sake of playing, gratuitously, but rather when plied with outpourings of base metal, champagne gushing from emblazoned fountains, and comestible monsters, vulgarly bestowed with the name of lobster. And what enchanting monsters, Mesdames Amazons!!! From a polished and rubescent carapace, formed in the style of a ship’s hull, there emerge arms, tentacles, and oarlike tail, of diverse aspect; so that the ponderous contraption, when placed on a dish of Sèvres porcelain, doth conjure before our very eyes some such trireme galley gliding wanton down the waters of the Nile, bearing in its protruding belly the inestimable body of Cleópatra.
Pay close heed to the accentuation of this vocable, Mesdames Amazons, for heavy should it weigh upon us were ye not to share our preference, for this pronunciation, in accordance with the lessons of the classics, contrariwise to the pronunciation as Cleopátra, in more modern diction; and to which certain vocabulists frivolously subscribe, failing to perceive that ’tis but contemptible residua, brought over, in that torrent from France, by those Gallicists of ill repute.
Hence it is by means of this delicate monster, vanquisher of the most delicate palatines, that the ladies here do tumble into the nuptial bed. It thus behooves you to comprehend what manner of reward whereof we speak; for these lobsters are marvelous dear, dearest subjects, and we have acquired a portion at the cost of over sixty contos; which, converted into our traditional currency, is tantamount to the voluminous sum of eighty million cacao beans . . . Ye may well conceive, then, how much we have already spent; and that we are forthwith in dire need of that base metal, so as to play around with such difficult damsels. Verily did we wish to impose an abstinence upon our ardent flame, no matter the suffering, so as to spare you the expense; yet what stalwart will hath not yielded before the enchantments and coquetries of such pleasing shepherdesses!
They go about clothed in scintillating jewels and the finest of fabrics, which accentuate their graceful bearing, and barely cover their charms, which, yield to no other in shapely splendour and hue. They are always exceedingly pale, the ladies here; and such is the great variety and nature of talents that they exhibit when it comes to playing around, that to enumerate them, herewith, would mayhap be tedious; and would, most certainly, violate the dictates of discretion, as is requisite in the relation of an Imperator unto his subjects. What beauties! What elegance! What cachet! What flammiferous, ignivomous, devouring dégagé!! Our thoughts are ever fixed on them, even as our attention never lapses, , unmindful, from our muiraquitã.
For our own part, it appeareth, illustrious Amazons, that ye would profit much in learning from them, the acquiescence, games, and wiles of Love. Thereupon would ye abandon your proud and solitary Law, in favor of more amorous occupations, in which the Kiss sublimates, Voluptuosities incandesce, and the subtle force of the Odor di Fêmia, as the Italians write it, is made manifest in all its glory, “urbi et orbe.”
And insomuch as we have lingered thus upon this delicate subject, we shall not abandon it anon without some further observations, which may indeed prove useful to you. The ladies of São Paulo, in addition to being most comely and wise, content themselves not with the gifts and excellence that Nature hath bestowed upon them; they are greatly preoccupied with their selves; and should not have been able to accomplish their finishing touches, had they not procured from all four corners of the globe, all that which is most sublime and genteel after having been purified in the crucible of the fescennine, that is, the feminine science of ancestral civilizations. Thus do they summon mistresses from old Europe, especially from France, and do learn from them how to pass the time in a manner quite contrary to yours. At times they cleanse themselves, devoting hours to this delicate occupation, at times they dazzle the convivial society at theatre gatherings, at times they do nothing at all; and spend their days so industriously entwined in these labours that, when night descends, they possess hardly the leisure to play around, and hastily deliver themselves unto the arms of Orpheus, as they say. But ye shall know, my dear mesdames, that hereabouts, day and night diverge most singularly from the bellicose hours that ye keep; the day commences at a time that for you would be its peak, and the night, when ye are in your fourth slumber, which, being the final one, is the most restorative.
In all this have the Paulistano ladies been instructed by the mistresses from France; and in the polishing and lengthening of their nails withal, as well as, “horresco referens,” the further lengthening of certain horned parts of their lawful companions. Pray avert your eyes from this most florid of ironies!
Much more is there still to relate to you on the manner whereby they shear their locks, in a style so charming and virile, that they more resemble ephebes and Antinous, perversely recalled, than matrons of such direct Latin lineage. Notwithstanding, you shall be in agreement with us, as concerns the unsuitability of long plaits here, should you heed the aforementioned; given that the gentlemen of São Paulo do not fell their objects of courtship by force, but rather in exchange for gold and locustas, said locks are but trifling; besides which, moreover, this style doth quell certain ills, as such locks do harbour, in providing habitation and routine pasture for insects most ruinous, as doth occur amongst yourselves.
Thus not being satisfied by what they have learned from France, of subtleties and artful gallantry à la Louis XV, the Paulistano ladies import from the more inhospitable regions whatsoever may further enhance their savour, such as little Nippon slippers, rubies from India, North American brazenness; as well as various other international teachings and treasures.
Now shall we speak to you at greater length, albeit superficially, of a resplendent herd of gentlewomen, originating from Poland, who dwell hereabouts and reign with generosity. They are quite robust in build and more numerous than sands in the oceanic sea. Like unto you, Mesdames Amazons, these damsels form a gynaeceum; the men who inhabit these houses being therein reduced to slaves, and condemned to the ignoble function of serving them. By reason whereof they are not called men, responding only to the spurious locution of garçons; and they are passing polite and silent, always dressed in the same solemn attire.
These damsels live ensconced in a single locale, known hereabouts as the quarter, also called boarding houses or the “red-light district”; duly noting that the latter expression would not be appropriate, owing to its coarseness, in this report on matters in São Paulo, were it not for our eagerness to be precise and knowledgeable. Howsoever if, like you, these dear ladies form a clan of women, indeed do they diverge greatly from you in physique, way of life, and ideals. Thus shall we inform you that they live by night, and neither give themselves over to the errands of Mars nor burn their left breast, but rather pay court to Mercury alone; and as for their breasts, they let them evolve, akin to gigantic and flaccid pomes, which, if adding not to their graceful bearing, do indeed serve in numerous and arduous labours of excellent virtue and prodigious excitation.
Further still is their physique distinguished, monstrous as it may be, albeit a lovable monstrosity, in that their brains are located in their pudendal parts, and they have, as is so well put in madrigalesque language, their heart in their hands.
They speak numerous languages most swift of tongue; they are well-travelled and exceedingly refined; and they remain uniformly obedient, though richly disparate amongst themselves, some fair, some dark, some are maigres, some rotund; and so abundant are they in number and diversity, that verily doth it trouble our reason, that all this great many, should derive originally from a single country. Moreover, all are bestowed with the titillating, though unjust, epithet of “French ladies.” We harbour the suspicion that not all these damsels originate from Poland, but that they lack veracity, and indeed are Iberian, Italianate, Germanic, Turkish, Argentine, Peruvian, and hail from every other fertile part of one or another hemisphere.
Gladly would we rejoice should ye share in our suspicions, Mesdames Amazons; and should ye invite withal some of these damsels to dwell awhile in your lands and our Empire, so that ye may learn from them a modern and more lucrative way of life, which shall greatly augment your Emperor’s treasures. And even so, should ye wish not to give up your solitary Law, in any case the existence of a few hundred of these damsels among you, would greatly facilitate a certain “modus in rebus,” between us, upon our return to the Empire of the Virgin Forest, which name, by the by, we would propose changing to Empire of the Virgin Woodland, more in keeping with the lessons of the classics.
Nevertheless, so as to conclude this business of paramount importance, we had best caution you against a danger that this importation may bring about, should ye fail to permit a number of powerful gentlemen to breach the outer limits of the State, while we are as yet away. These women be quite fiery and free; they might very well grow unduly burdened by the aberrant sequestered state in which ye live, and, so as not to lose the sciences and secrets by which they earn their daily bread, may very well go to the extreme of utilizing the wild-beasts, bogio howlers, tapirs, and those cunning candiru fish. And it would weigh heavier still on our conscience and noble sense of duty, should ye, our subjects, learn from them certain grave abuses, such as did occur with the female companions of that genteel versifier Sappho on the rosy Isle of Lesbos—vices which cannot withstand censure in the light of human potentialities, much less under the scalpel of strict and sound morality.
As you can see, we have taken utmost advantage of this stay in the illustrious land of the bandeirante frontiersmen, and while we have not lost sight of our talisman, indeed we most certainly have spared neither effort nor base coin, so as to learn the things most principal to this everlasting Latin civilization, so that we might initiate, upon our return to the Virgin Forest, a series of improvements, which, shall greatly facilitate our existence, and further extend our proud lineage as a cultured nation amongst the most cultured in the Universe. And therefore shall we now tell you some things about this noble city, for we intend to build its like in your domains and our Empire.
São Paulo is built upon seven hills, in the traditional style of Rome, the Caesarian city, “capita” of the Latinity whence we derive; and its feet are kissed by the most lissome and restless lymph of the Tietê River. Its aqueous bodies are magnificent, its air as agreeable as that of Aquisgrana or Anvers, and its area so like to them in salubriousness and abundance, that one could very well aver, in the fine manner of the early chroniclers, that ’twas these three A’s that did spontaneously engender the urban fauna.
The city is breathtaking, and its convivial life most delightful. ’Tis intersected in its entirety by skillfully narrowed streets and overtaken by ever so charming and finely wrought statues and street lamps; all of it diminishing the space so astutely, such that these thoroughfares cannot contain the population. This obtains the effect of a great accumulation of peoples, whose estimated number can be inflated at will, this being propitious to the elections which are the invention of the inimitable denizens of Minas Gerais; while at the same time the aediles do propound a broad range of issues in bursts of eloquence, immaculate in style and most sublimely embellished, whence they gain honorary days and widespread admiration.
The aforementioned thoroughfares are thickly layered in ricocheting bits of paper and sailing fruit peels; and principally with an ultrafine dust that dances about, and daily disseminates a thousand and one specimens of voracious macrobes, which decimate the population. In this manner hence, have they resolved, our elders, the issue of traffic congestion; since these insects devour the meager lives of the riffraff and impede the accumulation of industrial labourers and the unemployed; hence the number of people always remains the same. And not satisfied at this dust being kicked up by strolling pedestrians and roaring machines which they dub “automobiles” and “trams” (some employ the word Bond, a spurious locution, undoubtedly derived from English), the industrious aediles have hired assorted anthropoids, monstrous blue roan and pure-color hippocentaurs, conglob’d under the title of Public Sanitation; so that “per amica silentia lunae,” when all the bustle ceases and the dust settles innocuously, they emerge from their mansions, and, tails spinning like cylindrical brooms, pulled by mules, they go stirring up the dust from the asphalt and rousing the insects from their slumber, inciting them to activity with broad strokes and a terrible cry. These nocturnal tasks are discreetly carried out beneath diminutive lights, set at such lengthy intervals, so that near total darkness persists, leaving the work of malefactors and thieves undisturbed.
The copiousness of the latter strikes us as truly excessive; and we are of the opinion that ’tis but the sole custom that does not agree with our temperament, being orderly and pacific by nature. Nonetheless, far be it for us to reproach the administrators of São Paulo in any way, since we are well aware that the valorous Paulistas find these malefactors and their arts pleasing. The Paulistas are a hotblooded and belligerent people, well accustomed to the hardships of war. They are perpetually engaged in singular and collective combat, all armed to the teeth; hence the disturbances are surpassing numerous in these parts, in which, not infrequently, do hundreds of thousands of heroes, called bandeirantes, go down fighting in the arena of battle.
