I Have Life, page 13
He ended his testimony by saying that he could not explain medically how I had survived.
‘It was a miracle,’ he told the judge.
And that was the end of the State’s case. What was left now was for Judge Jansen to convict or acquit Frans and Theuns of the charges. After that each legal team would have the opportunity to present evidence ‘in mitigation of sentence’.
Judge Jansen spoke quickly and deliberately. He convicted Frans on two counts of rape, two charges of indecent assault and two of abduction and further charges of attempted murder and theft. Theuns was convicted on the same charges. I wondered what sentence would be handed down later.
I was relieved, but it was not an unexpected finding. There was no way they could not have been convicted. Judge Jansen cleared the public gallery and the press bench when Gillian Smale, a psychologist who had interviewed me and the two other women, was called to testify. Melvin asked me if I wanted to sit outside while she presented her psychological evaluation of me.
Gillian had actually requested that I not be present. She had thought that her testimony of my condition might actually impact on my future handling of the trauma, but I stubbornly insisted on being there. Only my mom and dad were allowed to remain and I was comforted by their presence.
I was ready to hear it all.
16
DR GILLIAN SMALE
Inside Alison’s mind
VERBATIM REPORT FROM COURT RECORDS
In my eight years as a clinical psychologist I have often been asked to prepare reports on the psychological state of rape victims for the ensuing court cases. I developed a special interest in Rape Trauma Syndrome after I began training counsellors for Rape Crisis and Life Line’s crisis branch.
Rape Trauma Syndrome (RTS) and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) are reactions to the ordeal of rape or a traumatic, usually violent experience, and follow a particular course, although this varies from individual to individual.
Generally, most rape survivors experience an initial state of shock. This can be expressed in a controlled manner during which feelings are suppressed, or in a very chaotic way where emotions are vented and the survivor disintegrates emotionally and struggles outwardly.
There is no specific duration to this state of shock. For some women it can last only days, others months or even years. It can also be delayed or immediate.
After the initial shock a period – the ‘recoil’ stage – generally follows. This is when the survivor appears to be functioning and coping with the trauma but remains inwardly in crisis. After recoil comes re-integration or a re-organisational state when the trauma will resurface and manifest in feelings of anger, apathy, fear, depression, fear of death, shame, self-loathing and guilt.
These feelings can result in various types of stress-related behaviour. Although not common, there are survivors who may respond by deliberately exposing themselves to dangerous situations in an attempt to undo feelings of powerlessness. Other manifestations include social withdrawal, irritability, a fear of intimacy, uncontrollable rage and even suicidal thoughts. Many women may re-experience the trauma years later when a specific event or set of circumstances triggers the memory.
I was approached by the State to evaluate the three women who had been raped by Frans du Toit and Theuns Kruger. The women were given a personality and psychological test known as the MMPI and this was followed up with more extensive interviews with the survivors themselves, members of their families and close friends.
Alison has been exposed to a trauma that is considered ‘beyond the normal range of human experience’. She has been raped, violently assaulted and has experienced near death.
In such a case, the more severe the physical violence and the near death experience, the deeper the psychological trauma. Because of Alison’s personality, which is typically emotionally over-controlled, she tended to show a lot of concern for others’ feelings and initially appeared composed after the attack.
She did not display feelings such as fear, anger, shame, helplessness and emotional disintegration that are typically expressed by rape survivors. During my interviews with those who knew her she was frequently described as ‘coping very well’.
However, in psychological terms and in terms of RTS, she was in fact in a prolonged state of shock and the coping that had been described by the press and by friends was a manifestation of emotional shock.
This period of shock and outward coping was necessitated by Alison’s need to minimise worry to her friends and family and also her need to feel that she could cope professionally and emotionally. It has, nevertheless, led to the development and the exacerbation of PTSD.
At the time of my assessment of her, PTSD was becoming chronic and had already lasted six months. As far as I could tell, her symptoms were worsening.
Alison’s experience could be considered to have been comprised of three separate traumas (rape, assault and near death) and she exhibited specific symptoms of PTSD at the time of our interview.
She often re-experienced the trauma through nightmares, had recurrent and intrusive episodes of reliving of the event as well as sudden recollections. This happened particularly when her breathing was impaired and she relived the memories and the sensations of having her throat cut.
She also experienced constricted or numb emotions accompanied by feelings of social detachment. This is a typical reaction to trauma when the feelings were too painful or too overwhelming to experience. The numbness develops as a defence against those feelings.
All of these reactions impaired Alison’s general sense of well-being and are potentially disruptive to intimate relationships. She was also hyper alert and jumpy and exhibited sleep disturbance that in turn impaired her energy and her work performance. She also had trouble with her memory and concentration.
At the time of the assessment I felt that Alison had symptoms of a Major Depression and even though she was on strong anti-depressant medication she continued to experience these symptoms which affected her work and her social interaction. Even though she did socialise extremely well, Alison felt and probably will always feel different to others because of this bizarre experience.
It could continue to make her feel emotionally isolated as it was an experience with which few people she would ever mix with could truly identify.
I learned during the interview that Alison was nervous about sexual relationships. Before the attack she had enjoyed men’s company but since then she had avoided intimate relationships and had, on one occasion, become anxious when she was kissed on a date. She was also self-conscious about her physical scars and felt they inhibited her sexually.
Alison was a former head girl and was used to being popular and supportive of others. She was accustomed to being seen by her friends and her family as a strong and independent individual.
Living up to these expectations meant that she had to suppress much of the horror she had experienced in order to maintain that strong image for other people.
This, I concluded, was ultimately exacerbating her depression and her feelings of alienation, helplessness and loneliness. Although she had regained much of her outward independence since the attack, Alison remained hyper vigilant and was nervous about being alone. She was constantly on her guard and felt anxious, which of course contributed to her feeling continually exhausted.
My opinion at the time was that Alison was suffering from chronic, as opposed to acute, PTSD. Her prognosis was not good and I felt that her characteristic over-control and inability to let go presented a strong likelihood that her condition could deteriorate further.
She might well reach a point of emotional exhaustion where she could no longer ward off her psychological turmoil and she would then risk emotional breakdown. What counted in Alison’s favour, though, was her family and her network of friends and the fact that she had been extremely well adjusted emotionally before the attack.
Because of this she has found meaning in the incident and her attempts to help others by talking about her suffering had also helped her to make sense of it.
I felt that Alison might lapse into a severe depression if she discontinued her anti-depressant medication which was controlling the physical symptoms of depression.
17
ALISON
My tormentor becomes real
I LISTENED TO Gillian’s testimony of my psychological state quite dispassionately. Was this the detachment she was talking about? Everything she said had made rational sense to me. Yes, I did feel hyper vigilant, I was anxious and knew I was different to everyone else now.
It was so strange being able to grasp intellectually what she was saying but not be able to connect with the underlying feelings. I knew they lurked there, simmering away like a volcano. I wondered whether I would ever break down, fall in on myself and become a gibbering wreck? It was still too early to tell.
I was sure also that Gillian was presenting the court with the worst case scenario. It was important for the judge to hear what was going on or not going on inside my head and that what Frans and Theuns had done would affect me for the rest of my life.
I did not think it was necessarily true that I would slip into a severe major depression later. What I did know was that the one per cent of me that had kept going that night would keep me from slipping over the edge. If I had had the strength to ignore what 99 per cent of me had wanted to do, which was just to die, then I could access that again when I needed to. I wanted to live then and I still wanted to live now.
Like that night in the car when they drove me around, I knew I would take each new set of circumstances as they manifested. It was the one per cent that had got me to the road. Tiaan would have driven past there anyway, but if I had not made the effort to get there he would not have been able to save my life. The lifelines were thrown out for me to grasp many times that night, but I too had had to make an effort to reach out for them.
No matter how long or how difficult my recovery, I was at least determined to try. I wondered how much the anti-depressants were helping.
At first I was against taking pills, but mom reminded me that I had been through a severe physical and mental shock and that the anti-depressants would help my body to cope chemically with that.
I supposed she was right. At that stage I think the medication helped me to get up in the morning and at least try and get on with it all, but I was determined to get off it as soon as I could.
After Gillian’s testimony the court started to fill up again. On less dramatic days people would trickle in and out, but on the major days, like today, everyone wanted a ringside seat. I sat with mom and dad in the front row with a rear view of Frans and Theuns.
I was fascinated by the machinations of the law and the court. It was really like watching an episode of LA Law, except that I was startled every now and again when I heard my name spoken.
That afternoon Grant Buchner asked the court to declare both men ‘dangerous criminals’ under a new section of the Criminal Procedures Act. I suspect he made the request because the death penalty had just been abolished in South Africa and he wanted to make sure that if they were sentenced to life imprisonment they would never be eligible for parole. They would have to spend the rest of their lives in jail.
Grant also suggested they be sent to the Elizabeth Donkin Hospital for psychiatric observation and evaluation to strengthen his application. The judge said he would consider Grant’s request after he heard evidence in mitigation.
It was a Friday and I thought it unlikely that Frans or Theuns would be called to take the stand to speak out on their own behalf so late in the day. At that stage we also had no idea whether they would actually be testifying, whether I would ever hear the story from their own mouths.
It would be better for their case if they did not testify, I thought. If they opened their mouths they would definitely ruin any remote chance that the court might be more lenient.
Still, I thought, Frans at least might not be able to resist the temptation to turn the spotlight on himself.
On the Monday we would all find out.
I left court that Friday knowing that we were nearing the end of this episode. It was all moving on, but I was not ready yet to let it go. After the sentencing I’d be able to sit down and decide what I really wanted to do. I didn’t know what I’d feel or whether I would experience some epiphany when the judge handed down his ruling.
I had a busy weekend ahead and I was pleased. I needed a break from the routine of the court.
That night, my boss Ettienne and his wife Hanlie hosted a bash for ‘Ali’s Support Group’ – all the friends who had supported my family and me – at their house.
It was a real party with ribbons and balloons, tables laden with food and two very special and huge bouquets of long-stemmed, coloured roses festooned with cards with messages from my old friends, my new friends and my family.
I was deeply touched by everyone’s support and this was my way of thanking them all for bolstering me over the months. I felt so privileged and spoilt. Melvin and his wife were there and so was Tiaan, my mom and all my special friends. I forgot about everything and simply enjoyed myself. I had always believed that you could tell someone’s worth by their friends and that night I was overwhelmed with emotion and gratitude for the collection of people, some of whom had travelled from Cape Town and Johannesburg, who considered themselves to be my friends. I felt truly blessed.
On the Monday morning I was back at the court, not knowing what to expect.
We learned that Frans would be taking the stand to testify in his own defence. Theuns’s lawyer told the court he would not be saying anything.
By now I had become an objective observer, a mere onlooker.
Frans shuffled out from the dock and stepped up into the witness box. It was the first time that I could observe him at such close proximity and in such safe circumstances. I was fascinated.
I also knew the press would be watching my every move. So often in reports I had read descriptions of my body language and what it was supposed to have signified. Leaning over to ask my mom where we should have lunch could be interpreted as something entirely different. I did not want anyone to read my thoughts so I looked at Frans through a mask.
He was thin and drawn and still had that silly pony tail on top of his head. But to me he was no longer Frans who had tried to kill me. He was just another criminal who was standing trial for attempted murder and rape. I was watching my own movie.
When he first spoke I was surprised at how vocal he was. He began by apologising for his hairstyle, telling the judge that he did not have the ‘adequate facilities’ in prison to get a ‘decent’ haircut.
He started at the beginning, telling the court that he was the son of an Aliwal North policeman and that he had once had a good relationship with the members of his family. They were devout Christians, ‘churchgoing people’, and respected members of the community.
He too had been a good Christian and as a child had gone to church regularly although he had never been confirmed. It was some time during his youth that he first began to dabble in Satanism and he didn’t consider it appropriate ‘to stand in front of a dominee and lie about my beliefs’.
At school, he said, he had fallen in with a bad crowd, ‘dagga smokers, hippies and surfers’, although he didn’t think he was the kind of person who was easily influenced by others.
He was asked to leave school after a mysterious fire in one of the hostels. He burnt the building, he said, because he had listened to heavy metal music and the ‘backtracking’ had inspired him. The music had harboured hidden messages, like subliminal advertising, that subconsciously urged the listener to commit various criminal deeds.
For someone who claimed not to be easily influenced I thought it quite ridiculous that he was so susceptible to the music.
When he began to unravel the mysteries of Satanism, the rituals and the rites, I became even more fascinated with him as a person. Suddenly Frans du Toit was fleshed out, given form and substance. He was a real human being.
He was opening a window into an underworld I had never known and doubted even existed. It was so far from ordinary life I could not help but be gripped by it all. Maybe I would now find an answer to the one question I could not fathom. Why had he tried to kill me? What purpose would the taking of my life have served in his life?
There were those who said I should be angry with him. This man had tried to murder me and here he was calmly trying to excuse his deeds. But I could not be angry; he meant nothing to me. He became less and less human as I watched him display no outward sign of emotion or any remorse.
The detachment was what was helping me to go to court each day and watch the spectacle unfold.
Frans said he had begun seriously to explore Satanism after moving to a school in Adelaide. There he had met a young woman on a train one afternoon. She was a matric pupil at the same school and they had been mysteriously drawn to each other. She was the head witch of a coven and he had believed she possessed ‘supernatural powers’.
He had seen her casting spells on people, hoping to bring ill fortune in their lives. She had shown him the secrets of black magic and had even summoned demons that spoke through her in gruff, manly voices.
He claimed he could feel the presence of a demon in a room. After making itself heard, he said, the physical environment would grow cold and a stench would permeate everything. He had become convinced then that demonic forces existed and he began to believe and trust in them.
From there, Frans’s life began the downward spiral that led him ultimately to this court. He had never finished school and had failed standard 7 twice. In an attempt to help him, his parents sent him off to the army. He was stationed in Kimberley and had fought on the border in the then South West Africa for 19 months. Even there the Satanists had sniffed each other out and had formed a ‘cell’.
