Again, Rachel, page 24
Jesus.
It was taking all of my energy to avoid looking at him. Kallie, directly across the table, was the person I tried to focus on. But another of those woozy whooshes of memory lunged and my eyes cut to Luke – to discover that he was watching me. Our stare collided with such intensity that heat flushed my body.
Quickly my gaze dropped to the table-top but within moments I had to look again, to check that Luke Costello really was a mere arm’s length away.
He was still scrutinizing me. There was a slight furrow in his forehead and a lot going on in his eyes – and I flashed back six years, to the morning he’d actually left.
We’d been in the hall of our apartment and a jingling sound had made my nerves flare – his wedding ring. He’d taken it off and discarded it on the hall table. Then, with the crunch of plastic and metal, he dropped his house keys.
A part of me still thought this was some sort of stunt – but the conviction that it was real was quickly taking hold. It was suddenly difficult to breathe.
I’d tried to physically stop him. But, cold and unknowable, he’d peeled my hands off him. Holding me by the shoulders, he kept me at bay.
‘Luke, please, I’m begging you.’ My face was drenched with tears. ‘I love you so much. We can fix this, we’ll go for counselling, whatever you want.’
Looking for a tiny piece of connection, a link to the man I knew, a way back in, I’d have promised anything.
From his wintery stare, it was clear he wasn’t interested. I whispered, ‘Have you no compassion?’
He met my eyes, assessing my naked desperation – and his response was indifference.
Shaken, I tried to reconnect with the present. I am here in 2018. I am safe. I survived.
Quin was asking Kallie, ‘How did you get so much time off work? To be in Dublin with Luke?’
‘Are you kidding?’ Kallie exclaimed. ‘I’m working remotely. I can work anywhere, all I need is Wi-Fi and coffee. I have a gig in, like, two weeks so I’ll scoot back for that.’
‘What about you, man?’ Quin asked Luke.
‘Same. Working remotely. Fitting it in around my dad.’
‘He has his own company.’ Kallie sounded proud.
Luke shook his head. ‘Only small.’
‘Eight members of staff, honey. Nearly double figures.’
For someone who never noticed other people drinking, I nonetheless noticed that the first bottle of wine had disappeared in no time.
‘Should we …?’ Quin consulted Kallie, then Luke. ‘Get another?’
‘Sure!’ Kallie was all for it. ‘If it’s still okay with Rachel?’
Quickly, I said, ‘It’s still okay with Rachel.’ In no universe would I let myself be painted as Mrs Judgy! Not tonight.
‘How did you guys meet?’ Kallie directed her question to Quin.
Quin cleared his throat. ‘On a meditation weekend.’ He straightened himself in his chair.
‘Cute! The couple who pray together, stay –’
‘Haha, no one said anything about praying.’ Quin shut that down fast. ‘So, on our first date, we went to an escape room. That’s when I knew she was the woman for me.’
‘We’ve never done an escape room, have we, hon?’ Kallie asked Luke. ‘I’d love to!’
‘When you do, you need Rach on your team.’ Quin smiled around the table. He was working hard here. ‘She found clues stashed everywhere.’
Call me pathetic but I enjoyed Quin’s praise.
‘She was an absolute natural,’ he said.
‘Really?’ Luke spoke – and there was something weird in his tone.
‘Yeah,’ Quin said. ‘She found things hidden in the most unlikely places. Unbelievable stuff.’
My gaze snagged off Luke’s and bumped up against an emotion I couldn’t identify. Some sort of distress? Or was it anger …? Definitely something strong. Then, breaking the strange mood, a flurry of plates was being slung before us by a crack squad of fast-moving waiters, armed with insulated tea towels and promises of ‘more potatoes’.
‘Wow!’ Kallie stared at her mountain of food. ‘This looks …’
‘Edible?’ Quin asked, to awkward laughter. ‘Let’s hope.’
Light had appeared at the end of the tunnel. Quin had been instructed to say no to dessert and coffee, so the torment would end soon.
I picked up my knife and fork, but something was stopping me from launching straight into the food. I was waiting for Quin to photograph the meal, the way he often did in restaurants, that’s what it was. Then, just as quickly, I knew there was no way he’d be bragging about tonight’s dinner.
‘Rachel, can I ask a question?’ Kallie asked.
‘Course.’ It was only then I realized that she was already drunk.
‘Do you ever miss … getting buzzed? Going a little crazy? It’s so fun to get waved with your man. Do you miss that?’
‘No.’ I smiled through a jaw that was beginning – just slightly – to clench.
‘Sometimes Luke and I smoke weed out on his deck and put on loud music and dance and … no? You don’t miss that?’
‘Kal,’ Luke said. ‘Maybe you could stop with this –’
‘It’s okay.’ I was tight-lipped, I didn’t need him to fight my corner.
‘But, Quin, don’t you sometimes wish you had a girlfriend who could drink. Get a little high? Hey, if I’m being offensive, please tell me. I just … want to understand.’
I tensed. There were times that Quin did mind but if he even hinted at it now, I would never speak to him again.
‘Are you kidding?’ Quin said. ‘Rachel is amazing in a million different ways and I have a designated driver always. But hey.’ With a conversational swerve that almost gave us whiplash, he said, ‘Why don’t you tell us what it’s like living in Denver?’
‘Our life is pretty outdoorsy.’ Kallie looked at Luke. ‘Right? Pretty outdoorsy?’
‘Sure.’ He gave a tiny shrug. ‘When we’re not getting stoned and dancing on the deck.’
Kallie’s face fell. She looked from Luke to me. ‘Oh no. I’m sorry, Rachel. I was an idiot?’ She nodded. ‘I was an idiot.’
Kallie tightened the clasp on her helmet, scooped up the handkerchief hem of her dress, revealing a slender length of lightly tanned thigh, then hopped onto the bike behind Luke, grasping him around his waist.
‘Bye, guys!’ she called. ‘Missing you already!’
Quin and I waved them off.
‘She’ll freeze,’ Quin said as we went back to my car.
‘Good.’ I felt queasy and diminished.
‘I can’t believe I let him pay the bill,’ Quin muttered.
Yeah, that was bad. When it had arrived, both Luke and Quin had pounced on it but Luke had won. ‘Tonight was our idea,’ he said, with a hint of steel.
‘You can get us next time,’ Kallie said.
But there would be no next time. Quin had to content himself with leaving a far-too-generous cash tip.
‘Can we please not talk about them,’ I asked. ‘I literally can’t take them being in my head for a second longer. Tomorrow or some other time we can debrief, but right now, I need to watch two episodes of Ozark, maybe three, and think about nothing. Is there ice-cream at yours?’
‘Unless Fin’s eaten it all. But I’ll go out and get you more if he has.’
There were healthier ways of dealing with the unpleasant emotions tonight had stirred up, but my endurance had run out. So I had my ice-cream and my two episodes. I couldn’t stop thinking about Kallie. She fascinated me. What was it that had drawn him to her? Her light-heartedness? Was it even real?
When Quin got into bed, I asked, ‘How hot is Kallie?’
‘Hot.’ No hesitation there.
‘Who’s hotter? Me or her? And Quin, the answer is me, okay?’ Because sometimes Quin was just too honest.
‘You, of course.’ His expression was concerned and sincere. ‘But there’s something about her … Sheeeee’s … interesting,’ he mused, his arms behind his head. ‘Mixed messages with old Kallie there. Sweet on the outside, all great fun. On the inside, she’s … harder. Tough. I still don’t know if I trust her.’
‘Why not?’
‘Maybe because she’s a survivor. She’ll always be okay.’ Then, ‘The neck of her implying we were holy. She has the bang of a Christian, doesn’t she? Slightly?’
‘Mmm. Maybe. She’s very positive …’ That made me laugh. ‘There’s nothing wrong with it, if she is. Look at us, pair of bitters, lying here, taking apart their characters.’
‘They’re probably doing the exact same about us.’
Oh no, that hurt.
‘Do you think Luke is one too?’ Quin asked. ‘A church-goer?’
‘We don’t know for a fact that Kallie is. But Luke … When I knew him, he sort of had tendencies. He’s quite …’ I couldn’t find the right word. ‘Moral, I suppose. Not holy, as such. But traditional is probably the best word. Like the way he was about the bill tonight – from his point of view, he had to pay, because it was his gig. Or say he found fifty euro that some poor person had dropped in the back of a taxi? He’d never go, Wahey! Free money! And stick it straight in his pocket. He’d give it to the driver, even though the driver would keep it for himself. There would be no doubt in Luke’s mind, not for a single second.’
‘Wow.’ Quin fake-blinked. ‘That’s just … wow.’
‘Haha, I know. So tell me, am I a survivor, like Kallie?’
Quin’s stare was appraising. ‘You’re more complicated. On paper, because you’re an addict, you’re vulnerable. But if you stay clean, you’re a world-beater.’
‘Who would you rather sleep with? Me or Kallie?’
Long and loud, he groaned. ‘Now I’m thinking about a three-way with both of you.’
‘Well, fucking don’t!’ He drove me mad but he made me laugh.
He strummed an invisible guitar and sang, ‘My boyfriend’s ex-wife is super-super-hot! I faked a burst condom to see just what she’s got.’ Then, ‘You, of course, Rach, always you. I want you more than anyone – that’s not going to change.’
We’d turned out the light and were settling into sleep when, into the darkness Quin suddenly said, in a squeaky voice, ‘Our life is pretty outdoorsy!’ Then in his own voice, ‘Pair of spanners.’
38
I woke early, my head full of last night. Playing on my mind was the tender way Luke had called her ‘Kal’. Even more painful was the glimpse Kallie had given into their shared life – thinking about them getting stoned and dancing on the deck cut shards of envy into my gut.
It sounded so sexy. I could actually feel it, Luke sliding his arms around Kallie’s waist, pulling her to him, against his hips. Kallie twirling away as he watched admiringly, then spinning back, landing hard against his body, discovering how much he wanted her.
Lucky.
Fucking.
Kallie.
This morning, my clean life of recovery seemed brain-numbingly boring – a very dangerous train of thought. I wanted to be the girl I’d been in my twenties, before my addiction had caught up with me, when there had been nights of wildness and adventure and no thought of tomorrow.
I’d have to ring Brigit. She’d detail how tragic and desperate I’d actually been.
It was only 7.30 a.m. but as I was awake, it seemed like a good idea to go to work. I was worried about Trassa. After yesterday’s revelation, she was bound to be extremely vulnerable.
Often, during a person’s time in the Cloisters, a trauma that had been stashed for perhaps decades broke the surface. Ultimately, casting the cold light of day on it was a good thing, but in the short term, Trassa would need a lot of minding.
All the counsellors were trained in crisis care and the nursing staff would have kept a watchful eye on her during the night, but she was ultimately my responsibility.
I was in two minds about waking Quin but he surfaced just as I was leaving.
‘Come back to bed.’ He pulled me against the warmth of his chest.
‘No, honey. See you tomorrow night.’
‘Not tonight?’
‘Laundry,’ I said.
‘Bring it here,’ he insisted. ‘I’ll do it.’
Hah! That was a laugh. His cleaner Irini would end up with the job.
‘I also need to go to Aldi,’ I said. And hopefully talk to Brigit, but I kept that to myself.
‘Life hack,’ he mumbled. ‘Do your big shop Monday nights at twenty to nine in Dundrum. Best time of the week. Nobody else there to annoy you.’
But today was Wednesday and there was nothing in my house. ‘Tomorrow night, you, Taryn and Timothy are coming to me for Transylvanian food. Remember?’ I kissed him, then ran down the stairs and slipped out into the day.
As I was getting into my car, my phone vibrated – a WhatsApp from Kallie. Ohmigod, Rachel, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry!
In a mad rush of sympathy, I decided to ring her – she was clearly awake.
‘Rachel?’ She said, ‘You hate me, right?’
‘No.’ Then I added, ‘You big eejit. I mean that affectionately. An Irish thing, Luke can explain it.’
‘I was anxious,’ she said. ‘I drank too much wine too quickly. Those questions I asked you and Quin, about your drugging, I am truly embarrassed. I am so sorry.’
‘It’s really okay.’
‘My reasons …? So Luke loves me, I know that. But in some ways – okay, lots of ways – he’s unavailable. You know that, right? So when I found out he’d once been married, I … Wow, it was a big shock. She must have been one amazing lady.’
‘Oh-kay.’
‘I want to figure him out. I thought you were one of the clues.’
Should I tell her that she’d probably never figure him out? Let’s face it, once upon a time he’d been absolutely mad about me and look at how that had turned out.
Somebody had bought ‘my’ Chanel bag! At first I couldn’t believe it. I clicked and scrolled, up and down, up and down, changing the search parameters and starting all over again. When the truth dawned, I was almost as unsettled as if my actual handbag had been stolen. For a few uncomfortable seconds, I felt genuinely bereft. Now what would I obsess about?
However, going by past behaviour, finding something new to fixate on shouldn’t prove difficult. As I cycled swiftly through emotions, I landed on anticipation, wondering what kind of surprising lunacy would snap me up. I hoped it would be another unattainable bag – they provided so much distraction in exchange for very little trouble. Not like, say, wheelbarrows, which were just-about-affordable and very unwieldy. (I’d bought one last summer after thirteen blurry days of head-racing obsessing. It was delivered to work, proved too big to fit in my car and Murdo had to borrow a friend’s van to get it to my house. And after all that drama it had only been used three times.)
‘I hate having to do this.’ Jonah, a slight sprite of a boy, stared sightlessly at his cooling cup of tea.
‘It’s hard,’ I said. ‘I know. But you’re helping her.’
‘She will lose the fucking head.’ Naaz bit her lip and reached for another biscuit. ‘Seriously, Rachel – is it okay to call you Rachel? – it’s going to be the apocalypse.’
‘It might not. Will we go?’
Murdo was already in the Abbots Quarter. When I walked in, followed by Jonah and Naaz, Ella looked stupefied with shock. Her mouth half opened, then froze. Only her eyes moved, flicking anxiously as Jonah and Naaz took their seats.
I flashed back twenty years to when Luke and Brigit surprised me by appearing one morning in this very same room and promptly blew the gig wide open. Jesus, I’d nearly died from shock and shame.
‘Morning, all.’ I smiled. ‘As you can see, we’ve been joined by two people.’ I asked them to introduce themselves.
Jonah cleared his throat. ‘I’m Ella’s boyfriend, have been for about three years. We live together.’
‘And I’m her friend Naaz. I share the house with her and Jonah.’
‘And you’ve come this morning because …?’ I looked to Jonah to kick things off.
‘Ella has been taking sleeping tablets –’
‘Because I was attacked,’ Ella interjected hotly.
Cool and calm, I said, ‘Jonah has taken the morning off work to help you. Have the manners to hear him out.’
‘But this is bullshi–’
‘Stop. It,’ Murdo ordered.
Startled, Ella did.
‘You know about her crashing the car?’ Jonah asked. ‘But even before then, things were weird. She’d been taking a lot of time off work “sick”. She was “sick” a lot.’
‘What sort of sick?’
‘Period pains. The flu.’ He looked at Naaz for help.
‘Food poisoning,’ she supplied. ‘Glandular fever. But she diagnosed herself with the glandular fever.’
‘And the food poisoning didn’t make sense,’ Jonah said, ‘because we’d all eaten the same thing. And she wasn’t throwing up, just saying she had a pain in her stomach. Then about two months ago I was at work, she was home “sick” and she sent this insane text, that there was an intruder on the roof. I called, she didn’t pick up, I was freaking out, so I came home. She was wandering around the kitchen, saying she was making pancakes. I asked her about the intruder and she had no clue. Totally out of it. Not drunk or slurry but completely blank. There was nothing in her eyes.’
‘What did you think?’
‘I thought something like, I dunno, a stroke? But I’d already been wondering about the sleeping tablets. We’ve all heard the stories. It’s just that you don’t think it’ll ever be you.’
‘What stories?’
‘That after people have taken the tablet, they do things, they seem awake, but they’re not. And the next day they don’t remember.’
‘That happened to Ella?’
‘Well, yeah. Sometimes we’d have sex and the next day she wouldn’t remember. Or she’d call people and make plans … One night she told her mum she’d drive down to see her after work the next day. Which was mad because it’s a three-hour drive. Next morning, heading off to work, she asked me to do dinner that evening. I reminded her she was going to Waterford, but she hadn’t a clue.’
