Who's Afraid?, page 21
‘What are you doing here, dear? Did you walk?’
‘Yeah,’ I said. ‘It was such a beautiful morning I felt like the fresh air.’
She shuffled over to the kitchen to make me a cup of tea. There was no point refusing. If you were a guest in Judy’s house then you were having a cup of tea.
‘I thought I’d pop around and see how you guys were doing,’ I said, seating myself on one of the wooden stools at the breakfast bar.
‘Oh, well, it’s lovely to see you anyway,’ she said over the high-pitched whistle of the boiling jug. ‘Hal’s not here, he’s helping the Mattersons clear their backyard before it gets icy.’
Sliding the cup of tea across the bench, Judy said: ‘Can I make you a sandwich, Tommi? You look like you’ve lost weight.’ She gently pinched my arm. ‘And be careful you’re not spending too much time Muay Thailanding. Boys don’t like muscly girls.’
‘It’s called Muay Thai, Gran,’ I said with a quiet laugh, ‘and I don’t do things to impress boys, you know that.’
‘Hmm.’
I loved my grandmother, but there’s something so frustrating about maternal figures’ drive to see you settled down with a ‘nice boy’. My mind went back to Lorcan and the hurt expression on his face when I said I didn’t know him. Had I overreacted? Maybe. Deep down, I knew there was a reason Lorcan hadn’t told me he was immortal. Maybe he wasn’t ever supposed to tell me. Plus he hadn’t lied to me, he just hadn’t told the whole truth.
‘Gran,’ I started, ‘did you ever find out something about Pop that made you question how you felt about him?’
‘Your grandfather? When?’
‘Whenever.’ I shrugged. ‘Like when you guys first started dating.’
My grandma was a curvy woman even in her old age and she had wavy white hair that was cut into a stylish bob. She flattened a non-existent crease on her blue cotton pants with her hands as she thought.
‘Oh, yes,’ she said, almost excitedly. ‘When we first met he told me he was a male model.’
I snorted and giggled at the same time into my tea. ‘What? I’ve never heard this story.’
‘Haven’t you? It used to be one of Tilly’s favourites.’
We both fell silent at the mention of my mum, yet for different reasons. For me, it was the pain of her secrets. Even though I had come to understand why, it was taking me longer to forgive her. For my grandmother, the pain was different: it had been almost nine months since Mum was swept away when floodwaters washed her car off a road outside of Edinburgh. She had moved down there to open a bed and breakfast with Deter and it had been running well when the floods hit. Deter was still trying to get the place back on its feet. Judy’s voice chased those memories away as she returned to her story.
‘Yes, he told me he was a male model for this big department store in New Zealand and a few other men’s labels.’
‘And you believed him?’
‘He was very good-looking.’
I’d seen photos of my grandfather when he was in his early twenties and he was no Robert Redford, but he was attractive.
‘When did you find out he was a rugby coach?’
‘It was the day after our fifth date and I went to watch a game out of town with my girlfriends. One of their boyfriends was playing. Sure enough, there on the sidelines swearing and chewing gum was Hal. I didn’t say anything at first. I waited until the end of the game and went up and tapped him on the shoulder.’
‘And then what happened?’ I asked, like a little kid at Christmas.
‘I slapped him.’
‘Right there in front of his team?’
‘Yes. I didn’t say a word, just marched on home with my girlfriends who were all sticking their tongues out at him or something silly. He tried calling and calling. I wouldn’t answer and my father wouldn’t let him through the front door. Do you know what he did?’
I shook my head.
‘He left a brand-new rugby ball on our doorstep with the words “I’m sorry, Love Hal” written on it every day for a week.’
I laughed. That was definitely something my grandfather would do.
‘After seven days, my mother was so sick of finding them at her doorstep she threw them in my room and said: “If you don’t forgive that boy I’m going to have to go out with him just so he stops leaving footballs at our house.”’ She took a sip of her tea and smiled. ‘And so I did.’
‘Basically the moral to this story is if the gesture is big enough, forgive him?’ I said, half laughing.
‘Except if he gives you diamonds. Once you get diamonds you know they’re really trying to dig themselves out of a hole that’s too big.’
Somehow I thought diamonds were the least of my worries. I spent the rest of the day at my grandparents’ house. Judy made me lunch and we argued about authors. I had lived in Scotland my whole life and my own voice was a slightly watered-down version of the strong Scottish accent I was immersed in. It was amazing how spending a few hours in the company of Judy’s Kiwi twang could remind me of home even though I was already there. It was late afternoon when I decided I should face the music and head back. Hal still hadn’t returned from the Mattersons’. I told Gran to give him a football for me.
I rode home on one of the old bikes I had left at their place and felt considerably better with the dusk breeze flowing through my hair. With one hand loosely on the handlebars, I leaned back and closed my eyes for a moment as I let the air rush over me. I knew what I had to do, it was just that it wasn’t easy, especially when my heart was telling me one thing and my head was telling me another. Lorcan was waiting when I slipped into the apartment. I was pretty sure he had been pacing the lounge room, but when I entered he was sitting nonchalant on the couch.
‘Hi,’ I said.
‘Are you OK? I wanted to go after you but I thought you might need—’
‘Yeah, I did. Thanks.’
I stood there awkwardly for a moment and wished I could duck into my room and throw a bra on. Somehow you always feel more dignified when you have breast support. I needed to get this over with.
‘Mari and Kane have gone to a party at Snowball’s or something,’ he said.
I smiled. ‘Snowy’s. We call him Snowy because his hair is white, like snow.’
The smile didn’t last as I moved to press my back against the wall directly opposite Lorcan. We both stared at each other, our eyes full of things neither of us had the courage to say.
‘Why didn’t you tell me earlier?’ I started.
‘I don’t know. You were dealing with a lot of other information and you were already apprehensive about me being here. I didn’t want to—’
‘Freak me out?’ I supplied.
He nodded. ‘I guess that backfired.’
‘No, I don’t think it would have mattered when you told me. I would have still freaked out.’
‘Where did you go?’
‘To my grandparents’ house. I needed time to think and digest.’
‘And what do you think?’
I sighed and looked at the carpet. ‘So many things, Lo. Is that why you don’t have an accent? I mean, I pick up a pitch on some words but for the most part it’s indistinguishable.’
‘Yes. Living in different parts of the world and away from Ireland for most of my lifetime now, it has faded on its own.’
‘And to be immortal, it’s purely a gift from the Treize? You don’t have to throw virgins into a volcano or anything?’
He chuckled. ‘No. It’s hard to explain the specifics without you ever having been to their headquarters. After months of training and tests there’s a ceremony and you’re inducted into the Praetorian Guard. I turned twenty-seven during the mortal stages of my training. I’ll always remain twenty-seven until I’m killed or I ask to be relieved.’
‘Relieved?’
‘Some who have lived many long lives ask to be relieved. It’s a respectable request and one the Treize rarely deny. Basically, it means the immortality is lifted and you go on ageing at the normal rate from whatever age you were when they recruited you. You live a mortal life again and die a natural death.’
‘What about Custodians? Are they immortal too?’
‘Some are, some aren’t. Custodians are given a choice as to whether they want to serve for ever or only until the end of their mortal years. Immortal Custodians are recognisable because they wear a necklace with the infinity symbol on it. Like this.’
Lorcan traced the symbol in the air with his fingers. I’d never seen a necklace on Lorcan.
‘Where’s yours?’
‘It’s different. Because I was immortal before I joined the Custodians … I think they’re still working that out.’
‘The Askari?’
‘No, mortals. All of them.’
‘Do you keep track of your descendants?’
Any sadness I expected to see was absent when he said ‘no’.
‘When I agreed to join, I chose to leave my relatives behind. There’s no point digging that up now when all of the family I knew are dead. I’ve never had any interest in it.’
‘In all this time …’ I paused before saying ‘… four hundred and twelve years, did you ever get married? Have children? Even accidentally?’
‘No,’ he said. ‘Marriage has never been something that appealed to me. Most members of the Guard don’t get married. That’s not to say they’re chaste. They prefer not to have something of value that could be harmed and you would rarely see a loved one. The members of the Guard become your family. The supernatural communities in the cities you’re based in become the closest you get to regular, familiar faces. Even then, you usually only stay for a decade or less. Everyday people would get suspicious if you stayed for their lifetime and never aged.’
His hair was tied half up and half down. The rays of the setting sun through the glass doors made the chestnut strands that escaped the band glow. Damn it. I was supposed to be trying to make a conscious effort not to be attracted to him.
He had noticed my silence. Looking at his almost perfect face staring up at me with his hands clasped in front of him, I couldn’t believe what I was about to say next.
‘What happened with us this morning—’ he opened his mouth to say something but I ploughed on ‘—it can’t happen again. At least not for a while. Not until I can get my head around this immortality thing.’
He looked down at his hands as I spoke. I saw the hurt in his eyes. It was breaking me to keep going.
‘It’s not that you didn’t tell me, it’s more selfish than that. I’ve got so much on my plate I’m scared to take another bite. I’m trying so hard to learn this werewolf thing, to understand this world that I’m a part of now and trying to control my place within it. I don’t know how I could keep doing that if we were together. Lo, you’ve seen everything. You’ve done everything. What could I possibly have to offer you?’
He leaned back on the couch with a blank expression. ‘You’re right,’ he said.
I heard my own sharp intake of breath and I tried not to let myself sink down on the wall.
‘You and I, it wouldn’t work. It’s not the best thing for either of us and I shouldn’t have lost control like I did.’
‘Hey, you weren’t the only one,’ I said quietly.
He shook his head. ‘Custodian–ward relationships rarely happen and when they do they’re frowned upon. The Custodian usually gets moved on quickly.’
‘What? I don’t want that,’ I said, pushing myself off the wall. ‘I just … I’m not sure if I can handle us. If there was an “us”.’
He smiled, the warmth in his eyes making me want to melt into them, in spite of everything.
‘I don’t want that to happen either,’ he said.
‘I don’t want to learn from anyone else but you.’
The thought of losing Lorcan altogether was a thousand times worse than not being able to have him romantically. I still wanted him in my life even if we weren’t together like that. Getting off the couch, he stood tall and then took a step towards me.
‘And you won’t,’ he said.
I believed him.
‘I’ll keep myself in check,’ I said.
Another smile was creeping over his face when his phone began ringing in his pocket. He frowned as he lifted it to his ear. ‘Hello?’
I didn’t try to use my werewolf senses to hear what the person on the other end was saying. At that moment I was using all my self-control to keep myself together. This wasn’t what I wanted. Yet if I was honest myself I knew it was the right thing to do. Lorcan pulled the phone away and looked at me with a sombre expression.
‘What?’ I said. ‘What is it?’
‘They found another body.’
Chapter 16
Blood soaked the front of my sneakers as I leaned forward to get a proper look.
Her eyes were frozen wide in the last terrifying moments of her life, unblinking and staring at nothing. The woman’s mouth was half open as she tried to give her final scream. She had been pretty. I could see that. Her short blonde hair was spread around her in a muted halo and sprinkles of blood decorated her cheeks like blush. Moving my eyes down from her face, I tried not to turn away when I reached the bloody gash that had once been her throat. There was nothing there now, just tissue and flesh. You could even see the grass on the other side. When Steven had torn her throat out he’d nearly torn her head right off. At least it might have been quicker that way, I thought. She was lying on her back and her limbs were spread out like a starfish as blood tried to pool around her on the grass.
There was so much blood. You always hear about the large quantity of blood there is in the human body. Seeing it was something entirely different. Below her chest there wasn’t much left. Her abdomen was a mess. Completely torn open, vital organs were strewn across her corpse as Steven had dug deeper to get at the meat. I made a move to step backwards and I felt something squish underneath my heel. Turning, I looked down and saw I had stepped on a piece of intestine.
‘Oh God,’ I said, leaping over it and dashing for a nearby bush.
I hadn’t eaten much that day, but everything I had came flying up as I vomited into the shrubbery. I had one hand resting on the trunk of a tree and the other holding my hair back. I shut my eyes and breathed for a moment, wiping my mouth and leaning against the trunk.
‘Are you OK?’
I opened my eyes and saw Lorcan looking at me concerned. I nodded.
‘Yeah, I’ve just never seen so much … gore,’ I strangled out.
Lorcan glanced in the direction of the body with an indifferent expression. I’m sure this was his version of an open casket considering everything he had seen and killed in four-hundred-plus years.
‘Steven was making a point,’ he said.
I’d figured that too. Pulling my hair back into a loose ponytail, I stepped into the open.
I had only seen two dead bodies in my life. My first was at a car accident I tagged along to with Mari a few years ago. We’d been out when Mari had got the call and I drove since she had had been drinking and I hadn’t (surprisingly). I stayed in the car, but it wasn’t hard to miss the bloodied teenager they carried out of the wreck. It was jarring at first, yet I couldn’t look away.
The second body was my Mum’s. I offered to identify it because I didn’t want my grandparents to see Tilly like that. The two experiences couldn’t have been more different. I drove to Edinburgh, as they wanted to identify the dead as soon as possible. Staring at my Mum on that cold, silver slab was a memory I worked hard to forget. Her skin had turned a bluish purple and she was bloated almost beyond recognition. Yet it was my Mum.
‘Tommi?’ Lorcan was looking at me, concerned again.
‘I’m here,’ I said, lightly shaking my head and making my way back towards the body. ‘I was thinking about my Mum. She was the last dead body I saw.’
Lorcan went to move his arm towards me but stopped himself. ‘I’m sorry this brings up those memories for you, but you need to see this. You need to see what a werewolf can do, what Steven can do. I hate to say this isn’t even the worst of it.’
‘No doubt,’ I muttered.
Stepping towards the mutilated corpse, I wondered what else could be done to a body at the hands of a werewolf? Sorry, claws of a werewolf. Since I was living here the Treize had appointed a single Askari to relocate and be stationed in the area too. He had met us in the car park of Kinbrae Park – where the body had been found – and introduced himself as Akito. He looked like he could be a cheery sort of man. Tonight, however, he was completely focused on the body. On his knees and leaning over it, he examined every inch of skin with tiny metal tools.
‘See the tattoo on his wrist?’ Lorcan whispered.
The plastic glove was covering half of it, but with his shirtsleeves rolled up I could make out a symbol on his left wrist. I nodded.
‘That’s how you know someone is truly a member of the Askari. They must have that symbol tattooed on them. It’s an ancient symbol for wood: the foundation of a solid structure.’
‘Without a solid foundation the house falls down,’ added Akito. The tattoo was a line that ended when three small circles formed at its head, right where the wrist ended and the hand began.
‘Without solid information, without solid relationships and monitoring so does the Treize,’ added Lorcan.
I looked away from Akito and up at the sky as he lifted a flap of skin.
‘The last guy was quick, right? A pretty clean kill?’ I said, trying to keep my voice steady.
‘What’s your point?’ Akito asked, looking up from the abdomen war zone.
‘It’s like Lorcan said: Steven was trying to make a point. This is gruesome. Horrific. He wants to show what he can do to fuck with us.’
I looked at Lorcan to see if I was on the right track and he nodded.
