Tickety Tock, page 17
There had been little love lost between us when we were growing up, but I’d thought that was a typical sibling relationship, not having known any different. At school, I had seen other examples of sibling rivalry, so never thought it more than that. We’d never had a chance to get to know each other as adults, and if he ever crossed my mind, I wished him well and hoped Grandaddy had put him on the right path.
The evidence seems to suggest Jack strayed however he’d been steered.
Dwarf’s question goes round my head. What would have happened if he hadn’t found me?
Even if I survived my headlong flight through the forest at night, I’m not sure I would have returned to the cabin. Or maybe, in the light of day, I’d have come to my senses, knowing I’d have to return to at least collect my wallet and phone. At the very least, I’d have been a nervous wreck in need of some serious professional help.
If I’d survived, I’d have headed back to San Francisco, but what fears would I have carried home? Dread that my dead father would continue to haunt me, and that he might have followed me back? Would I have been facing a lifetime of nightmares, having resurrected my horrors from the past? I wouldn’t have gotten by without more scarring or therapy. Jack must have known that.
Is that what Jack wants from me? To see me scared out of my mind, to upset my carefully ordered life? Has he achieved his objective, is this the end?
Or will he find some other way to taunt me?
Is it the cabin he wants, or me destroyed?
Toad said they’d try to find him, but if they do, I don’t want to face him. I don’t want to hear it confirmed from his own mouth. I’d rather live thinking there was a real ghost here, otherwise I’ll be living with the knowledge my brother, my sole remaining family, wanted to scare me out of my mind.
More than anything, I want to be able to return to the woman who I was a few days ago—happy, fulfilled and moderately successful. Will I ever be that strong woman again, or will I always now be looking behind me?
One thing I know, if it hadn’t been for Dwarf and his brothers, I’d still think I was being chased by a ghost. At least I know there’s an answer and that my daddy hasn’t risen from the dead. But I honestly don’t know which I’d prefer. Jack must hate me, and that’s a heavy burden to carry.
What do I do now?
I owe Dwarf, and I like him, probably a little too much. He wants me to stay with him. But if I stay, I’ll use him as a crutch.
I’ve invested too much time in me to backslide now. I’ve got to retain control of my life, and there’s only one way I can do that. My heart, and maybe Dwarf’s feelings, will be collateral damage, but I’ll just have to live with that. My goal will be to put this entire incident behind me, and move on, pick up the strings of my life and forget everything that is Arizona. Go to therapy and put it all into perspective. Jack’s been dead to me for years. I’ll just have to continue to imagine him like that.
Going home. Yes. That’s where I should be. That’s where I can re-discover who I really am. My business will keep me busy.
I’ll hurt Dwarf.
I’ll hurt myself.
There was never any guarantee that whatever was between us would go anywhere. Two souls brought together under extraordinary circumstances. Hell, we might find we hate each other when we have to cope with normality.
I might be walking out on the best sex I’ve ever had, but I have to protect my sanity.
If I run away, maybe I’ll be able to forget. Forget Jack. Forget Dwarf. Forget the cabin. Cleanse my mind and return to a time before any of this happened.
With my mind made up, I turn and walk stiffly back into the cabin. Dwarf moves as if to step into my path but shaking my head, I raise my hand to stop him. I see his jaw clench, but he stays where he is, as I enter in through the door.
While I’ve been outside, the men have started to tear this place apart. Floorboards have been lifted, and wall panelling removed. A selection of electronic equipment has been gathered in a pile.
On seeing me, Cloud beckons me over. Whether I’m interested or not, he seems determined to give me an update.
“It’s sophisticated in many ways, in others it’s not,” he begins, pointing down at the paraphernalia sprawled on the table. “He clearly knew you were coming back, and when you were going to be in the cabin. The explosives, for example, were one-use only. The speakers and the sound system could have been reused many times.”
Despite myself, I’m interested. “What does that mean?”
“I suggest he’s been tracking you and knew when you were likely to put in an appearance. The recordings could play for a few nights in case he was wrong. But that his major plan was put into play last night suggests he knew you were back. That was the fanfare, the thing he thought would break you.”
And it would have. If it hadn’t been for the men here with me last night, I’m not sure my heart would have survived the doors all slamming open, and the other poltergeist effects.
“He knows I’m here?”
Cloud seems to be on my wavelength. “This cabin isn’t on any grid, so he can’t do anything electronically. I’ve had a few brothers scouting around, and they can’t see any evidence of anyone having been here other than you and us. Nah, if you ask me, he’s somehow watching the airport. Knew you’d arrived, and that you hadn’t left.”
I shudder thinking my brother, who I’d accepted I’d never see again, had somehow been tracking my movements. It’s chilling. “Jack doesn’t know me. His memories are just of me as a little kid.” I point to the equipment. “This was aimed to frighten me. He couldn’t know that it would scare me so much I’d have fled.”
Cloud’s eyes shutter almost sympathetically. “It would have been a fair bet,” he says, half under his breath. “He obviously knows your triggers.”
My eyes close. He’s right. Jack certainly did. As a kid, he was happiest when he’d been hurting me. As an adult, it appears he hasn’t much changed. I also recall the blocked-out memories of how he’d eagerly watched my father assaulting me.
“You alright, Raven?” Ruby’s soft voice attracts my attention.
The answer is no, I’m not. I’m not sure I’ll ever fit that definition again. I don’t even have the energy to summon up the expected response for her. “Where’s Toad?” I ask, instead.
She gives me an assessing look. “I’ll get him for you. Here, hold her for a moment, will you?” As she speaks, she thrusts the little dog she’s holding into my arms.
My hands reach out and I take her on autopilot. I make sure to hold her securely. Growing up, animals had a purpose, like hens for eggs, a cow for milk or a pig for meat. I’d never had pets, and as an adult, the idea hadn’t occurred to me. I couldn’t say whether I was a dog person or not, but when Rolo’s eyes, which seem far too large for her tiny body, look up trustingly into mine, and her tongue comes out to lick my hand, I feel comfort in her presence and in her touch. Ruby did this on purpose.
Holding Rolo seems to calm my racing heartbeat down, but my impulse to return home just gains more clarity. My grandaddy sent me away once before as this place wasn’t healthy for me. Nothing’s changed now, and I’ll just follow the same plan.
“You wanted me?” Toad appears, his arm resting on Ruby’s shoulder.
I notice a small smile on Ruby’s face as I hand her dog back to her. “I’d appreciate a lift to the airport, or at least to somewhere where I can get a signal to summon a cab.” I voice the words I’ve been mentally practicing, coming firmly and decisively. “You make me an offer for the cabin,” I wince, looking around at the damage that’s only added to the decay, “and I’ll happily sell the place to you. I’ll transfer the deed, make it legal.” I never want to see this place again. He could offer me ten dollars and I’d probably accept it, but the businesswoman inside me tells me Grandaddy would be disappointed if I just gave the place away.
Toad’s eyes narrow. “You’re welcome to come back to the clubhouse and stay for a few days.” I don’t miss the way his eyes warily move toward Dwarf, who’s now entered and is having a conversation with Metalhead. His eyes keep coming this way, but he’s not close enough to hear what we’re saying.
Ignoring the twist in my gut as I realise how close I am to saying goodbye, I keep my voice strong. “Thank you, Toad. And thank your club for everything they’ve done for me. If you hadn’t been here, I’d never have known…” My voice trails off. How can I complete the statement and say what a bastard my brother obviously is?
The Wicked Warriors’ prez’s eyes soften. He lowers his voice. “What about Dwarf?” As my eyes squeeze together, he continues in a quiet tone, “I know my brother, Raven. He’s never looked at a woman the way he does you. He wants to claim you, make you his. Are you really just going to turn your back and walk away?”
What else can I do? My life’s in San Francisco. Fighting back tears, knowing I’ve got to be strong as I’ve yet to explain myself to Dwarf, I practice on Toad. “My life’s not here. Dwarf and I got caught up in something. Who knows how the two of us would gel in the real world? This,” I wave my hand around the cabin, “isn’t real life. And it’s reality I’ve waiting on me. I’ve got clients who are expecting me back in San Francisco. Even if I thought it was the right thing to do, I wouldn’t be able to stay.”
Ruby looks like she’s about to say something, but Toad turns and gives her a look. They must understand each other, as she raises and lowers her chin as she nods.
“Go talk to Dwarf.” Toad looks tired as he runs his hand over his head. “After that, if you still want a lift to the airport, I’m sure he’ll take you.”
I wasn’t going to walk away without saying a word, but I knew it wasn’t going to be an easy conversation. I read Dwarf easily. He’s a protective man, and he’s come to think of me as his responsibility. I’m hurting and he sees it as his duty to make sure I’m okay. He doesn’t understand my need to get completely away.
I can’t adequately explain that the pull toward him isn’t quite as strong as the urge to get back to everything I know.
The more I try to justify my reasoning, the more closed off he becomes. But I’ve got so much baggage in my mind, I’m hurting enough for myself, I can’t hurt for him too. I keep to myself that when I go, I’ll be leaving part of my heart behind with him.
I’ve never felt about anyone the way I have about Dwarf.
But that’s not strong enough to battle with my desire to leave all this behind, to get back to the security of things that I know, and there’s no room in my world for a biker.
We drive back to the clubhouse in silence. He unlocks his door, then leaves me alone in his room. I get clothes suitable for a flight out of my suitcase. Packing away my t-shirt and jeans and dressed as a businesswoman when I descend the stairs, his eyes narrow as if I’m someone he hasn’t seen before.
It was all a dream, Dwarf. This is the real world, and there’s no room for a me and you.
Dwarf waits until he has me seated back in the SUV and is headed toward the airport before he tries one last time.
“I thought we had something.” His words are clipped.
I can’t deny it. “We did, Dwarf.”
His voice is full of emotion as he says, “I’ve been inside you, Raven. We’ve been as fuckin’ close as two people can be. You weren’t a fuckin’ one-night stand for me.”
“You weren’t for me either.” I can’t keep the tears from filling my eyes, though I refuse to let them fall. “We were caught up in something, that’s all.”
“You used me.” His tone suggests he doesn’t like being used.
“If I did, you used me too,” I counter. “But that wasn’t it, Dwarf. I feel something for you. Last night wasn’t something I did lightly. But my life’s miles away. I can’t stay in Arizona.”
His lips press together.
For the two-hour drive, we’re both silent. When we reach the drop-off point at the airport, he reaches out and grabs my hand. “Don’t say goodbye forever.”
I find I don’t want to say goodbye at all. Being strong is so fucking hard. When he leaves, I know the tears will start, but I can’t stay. I’ve got to rebuild, recover what I can from my life before I’m on solid ground. I want to return to the woman I was before I went to the cabin, and to do that, I’ve got to leave Dwarf behind.
I swallow hard to keep the catch out of my voice. “Toad’s got my contact details.”
His eyes blaze. “Toad’s got your fucking details,” he repeats, then thumps the steering wheel. “Give me your phone.”
I pass it over—my cell, not the satellite one that I’d forgotten and left behind. Dwarf puts his number in. I take it back.
He sighs heavily. “I understand you’ve got shit to work through, but hell, Raven, if you need me, I’ll be here for you. Call me, okay?”
He’d been my lifeline for forty-eight hours, but now it’s time for me to stand on my own two feet.
But it’s easier not to argue. Opening the door, I get out, take my suitcase off the back seat, then for a last time, lean in. My eyes soak up the last sight of the man who I never expect to see again. We come from two different worlds and it’s time we got back into our own lanes.
I find I can’t speak at all.
“I’ll call you.” His eyes look as suspiciously wet as my own.
I turn away before the tears blur my vision.
Chapter Twenty
Raven
I’m not normally someone who cries. Crying never stopped my father and since then, never solved any problem in my life. As I doubt it will help now, I angrily blot my tears on a tissue as I walk away from Dwarf. I’m not sure who I’m angriest with, him for making me fall for him, myself for letting him in, or my fucked-up family that have put me in this state in the first place. The one where I’m not sure which way is up and my world which I’d thought settled and sorted, turned upside down. What worries me most is whether I’ll ever be able to move on.
A real haunting would have been bad enough in that it brought all my suppressed fears back to life. That Jack was behind it made it ten times worse. How can a blood relative hate you so much?
On autopilot, I go through the airport formalities. My suitcase is carry-on, so I don’t have to check it in, and soon I’m through security and find a seat in the lounge as I wait for my flight to be called.
I feel numb. On the outward journey, I’d been mostly excited about seeing the cabin I’d left so long ago, though there had been an undercurrent of wariness that the good memories were overshadowed by what my father had done. But I’d been optimistic I could overcome the bad and concentrate on the years when I’d been younger and before I caught Daddy’s eye. I wanted to go partly as a tribute to my grandaddy.
I’d been looking forward to it. Building my business, I hadn’t allowed myself to take a break in years, so this was a mini vacation for me.
Instead of being something I could look back on positively, it had turned into a huge disaster, so much better if I’d never returned. I never dreamed that the actions of another male member of my family would chase me away.
And however much I want to disbelieve it, there’s too many clues pointing Jack’s way, and nobody else who could have known enough to have set me up.
On the short flight, I close my eyes and try to catch up on the sleep I’ve missed over the past couple of days. Each time I drop off, I jerk awake as I start to relive the events all over again. I wonder whether I’ll ever be able to sleep without nightmares.
In the end, I give up and stare out at the clouds, simply trying to clear everything from my mind. It doesn’t work. I keep thinking of Dwarf and the hurt in his eyes when I walked away, telling myself I did what I had to. I couldn’t risk getting hurt again. But however hard I try, he seems like another ghost determined to haunt me.
I collect my car from the parking lot and drive the short distance to the rented apartment I call home. Blaming lack of sleep, I rub my sore eyes as I walk into my bedroom and place my small suitcase on the floor. I realise the backs of my fingers are wet. Surprised, I stare at the moisture, realising more tears are seeping out, too many for someone who never cries.
As something breaks inside me, the trickle becomes a torrent. Unsummoned, a shuddering breath goes through me, and I let out a sound I realise is a sob. As if unleashed, it’s followed by more, and suddenly my legs are no longer holding me up.
As my body is racked by my cries, I bawl into my pillow. I can’t seem to stop wailing and I’m unaware of how much time passes as my semi-hysterical tears continue to flow. I weep until I must get dehydrated as eventually my tears dry up, turning to sniffles. Blindly, I reach out my hand for the box of tissues I leave on the bedside table and grab a handful.
As I hiccup, blow my nose and mop my eyes, I’m reminded of the reason why I don’t cry. It’s hardly beneficial. My eyes are puffy and sore, my nose is blocked, and my throat feels like it’s been scratched by needles. And not one of my physical symptoms has done anything to ease the distress in my mind.
After snorting back a couple of final sniffles that despite my derision seem determined to have their say, I glance at the clock I have by my bedside and see that it’s already eight p.m. Veering between taking a much-needed shower and then giving up for the day or feeding my stomach which has started to feel quite empty, the loud grumbling wins out the day.
Going into my kitchen, I catalogue what’s quick and easy to cook, and come up with the solution of putting a frozen pizza in the oven. When I see the sorry flat unappetising item cooking, tears prick at my eyes once again as I remember eating pizza with the Wicked Warriors. Which, in turn, reminds me of Dwarf and how much I already miss him, and surprisingly his mismatched family as well. Ruby had been someone I could see me becoming friends with. The silence makes me feel lonely, but I try to shrug that thought off. I’ve done well enough over the years without anyone. Soon I’ll get back into the swing of that again.
