The Gamble, page 10
Phil cautiously walked over to me. “Petal, you okay?”
I closed my eyes as I tried to breathe. Why does he have to call me Petal and be so sweet to me after I’ve been so horrible to him?
Phil wasn’t anyone's doormat, and I knew it. So why is he still here?
Strong arms went around me, and my face was pulled into his chest. His hands stroked my head. I started to feel like I was going to have a total breakdown.
Except this time, I wasn’t drunk. I was sober, and that was so much worse. There would be nothing to blame it on.
I needed to pull it together, but I wasn’t sure how.
I inhaled his amber-and-rosewood scent as he pulled me more into him.
“Breathe, Petal. Everything will be okay.”
My body started shaking. I tried to stop it, but it wouldn’t stop.
“Hey, what’s going on?” Phil whispered, and kissed my head.
My arms squeezed around him tighter as my body continued trembling against his, and my heart raced faster. A tight feeling in my chest got worse, and I thought I was having a heart attack.
Phil pulled out of the embrace. “Sophie, breathe. Your face is turning purple.”
I didn’t realize I was holding my breath. I let it out.
He led me over to the couch and sat me down on his lap. “Breathe.”
A few minutes went by while he made me just breathe. My shaking started to slow.
“Tell me what’s going on, Petal.”
I started to shake my head.
He held my head between his hands. “No. You need to tell me what’s happening. No more running, Sophie. Tell me.”
I scanned his eyes and whispered, “Why are you still here?”
He took a deep breath. “Because I’m crazy about you—the real you—and staying away from you is harder than dealing with you, so I’m not going to let you push me away anymore. Tell me about all the things that I need to make you forget. The small things. The big things. All of it.”
My lip trembled with fear.
He pushed my hair back behind my ear and gently asked, “Want me to start for you?”
I nodded.
“You tell me if I’m right or wrong.”
“Okay.”
“You need to forget you're famous and can’t go anywhere without being hounded or showing up in the tabloids.”
“Yes,” I breathed out.
He leaned in and kissed me. “Good, Petal.” He stroked my cheek. “You need to forget that several different men are stalking you, and that it scares the crap out of you.”
I blinked back tears. “Yes.”
Phil nodded. He scanned my eyes. “You need to forget that you’re scared of whatever you and Ethan just talked about.”
A tear fell down my face, and I sniffled.
Phil wiped the tear off my cheek. “Tell me if I’m right, Petal.”
I managed to get out a “Yes.”
He kissed me again and put his head to my forehead. “You need to forget you didn’t pick up the phone.”
More tears fell. I couldn’t answer. I closed my eyes and nodded.
“Okay, Petal,” he whispered, and kissed my lips. He pulled back. “Open your eyes, Petal.”
I opened my eyes.
“You need to forget that Eric killed himself.”
I turned my head away from Phil’s.
He grabbed my face and turned it back to his. “Tell me yes or no, Petal,” he softly said.
“Yes.”
He took a deep breath. “There’s one more thing, isn’t there?”
I looked at him, and my lip started to shake again.
There was one more thing, and somehow, I don’t know how, but it felt worse than all the others. And he knew it. I whispered, “Don’t say it.”
He blurted out, “You need to forget that you’re not supposed to feel anything or fall in love with me.”
My heart once again seized up. I couldn’t look at him. I turned my head, and he pulled it back, but I closed my eyes.
“Tell me yes or no, Sophie.”
I didn’t want to admit it. If I said yes, it meant that I had feelings for him. It meant that I wanted to have feelings for him. As much as I knew it was true, I couldn’t let myself have it. So I lied. “No.”
Phil peered at me. “No?”
“No,” I repeated, this time with a little more conviction.
“I don’t believe you.”
“The answer is no.”
Phil stared at me as my insides started to quiver once more. “You’re shaking because you’re lying.”
“No, I’m not. The answer is no.”
Sitting farther back into the couch, he took a deep breath. I could see his brain turning. After a few minutes, he leaned in, kissed me on the lips, and pulled me off his lap. He got up and started walking to the bedroom.
My hands got clammy. I followed him into the bedroom.
He snatched his phone off the nightstand.
“Phil—”
He turned toward me. “I have a lot of work to do, Sophie. I’ll see you around.” He left the bedroom and walked to the front door.
“Phil!”
He spun. “Yeah?”
I didn’t say anything. I wasn’t sure what to say.
He shook his head a little. “That’s what I thought.” He opened the door and walked out.
Shit. I had really done it now.
8
Phil
* * *
She was lying. I knew she was lying, and that was the worst part. If she had told me no and wasn’t lying, I could handle it.
Sophie just wouldn’t allow herself to move forward.
I needed to walk away. No matter what happened going forward, I would not get caught up in her again. I had crossed the casual line with her, but she hadn’t crossed it with me. She made it clear she wasn’t willing to, and I needed to step away.
Claire had filled me in about Eric being Ethan’s brother when they were talking in the study. I thought enough had happened that she could start to move forward, but it wasn’t going to happen.
There just wasn’t a go-back option. I had crossed the line. But who was I kidding? We had crossed the line in Toronto.
We were done.
I left her building and into the cold November air. I decided to walk back to my place instead of calling my driver. As I strolled through the city, the cold air pushed against me as if fighting me.
Suddenly, I wasn’t sure why everything had to feel so hard.
Work was normally demanding, but not hard. Lately, it felt almost impossible.
My secret life never felt hard. This thing with Sophie, it was a rollercoaster of ups and downs, and now it felt hopeless.
Sophie had warned me the night in the club. She was honest about not wanting to feel. That had only been less than seventy-two hours ago.
How has so much happened in less than seventy-two hours?
I shouldn’t have taken her to the club.
I shouldn’t have stayed with her in Toronto.
I should not have ever taken her home last night.
No, I should have let Ethan and Claire deal with her.
I had crossed the line and shouldn’t have. Our time together should have been the first night we met, and that was it. I should never have allowed myself to have more of her…because deep down, I already knew I wanted more than casual with her before I took her to the club.
The months I’d spent thinking about her, wanting more of her, hoping she would miraculously come find me, should have warned me to stay away.
Now I had crossed the line, and my entire life suddenly felt very out of control.
It was already dark. We had slept in for so long that it was dinnertime.
My phone rang. I didn’t look and picked it up. “Hello.”
“Hey, Phil. Come meet Liv and me for dinner over at La Tease if you’re free.”
My stomach rumbled. I was only a block away, and decided it would be better than hanging out at my place and thinking about Sophie.
“Sounds good. I’m not far.”
“Great. See you soon.”
I walked the rest of the way and got to La Tease quickly. The hostess led me back to the kitchen, where Tom and Liv sat at the private chef’s table Kip had installed just for Tom.
They stood up, and I kissed Liv on the cheek, and Tom gave me a fist-bump.
I looked around. “No one else is here?”
Liv laughed. “Nope, just you.”
Kip came over and slapped my back. “Hey, Phil.”
“Hey, Kip. I haven’t eaten today, so bring me whatever you want.”
He plopped a bread basket full of crusty, warm garlic bread along with several oils down on the table. “Fresh from the oven. I’d pull up a chair, but we’re crazy tonight.”
“As long as you feed us our grub, we’re good,” Tom teased him.
Kip gave us a salute and left.
Tearing a piece of bread off the loaf, I threw some oil down on my plate and dipped the bread in it. I took a bite of the warm bread. It should have tasted good, but it was like all my taste buds had disappeared. I swallowed it and put the rest of the piece down onto the plate.
“How’s Sophie?” Tom asked.
I rolled my eyes. “So, this is why I got the invite? You wanted the scoop?”
Tom laughed. “No, we wanted to make sure you got fed and weren’t working every minute of the holiday. But Sophie and I go way back. I’ve never seen her as bad as last night.”
“Yeah, I know, she used to take all your money at poker.”
“Is she still bragging about that?”
I couldn’t help it—I smiled. “Yep.”
“So…how is she?” Tom stared at me.
I shifted in my seat. “She’s her normal screwed-up self.”
Tom’s eyes filled with worry. “What do you mean?”
“Nothing. She’s fine.”
Liv put her hand on mine. “Are you guys not okay?”
I started to feel pissed, but I stopped myself. What was I pissed at? Liv and Tom didn’t do anything. They were just concerned about their friends. I was pissed at Sophie.
I glanced at Liv. “I’m moving on. It was only casual anyway.”
Tom and Liv both glanced at me.
Ben, the waiter, showed up with three glasses of wine.
Pinot. It figured. Bring on the torture. I was seriously starting to hate pinot. The smell oozed out of the glass, and it was only sitting on the table. All I could think of was Sophie’s tongue. I pushed the glass away.
Liv and Tom were both looking at me. “What?”
“It didn’t look casual,” Liv said.
I laughed. “Did you two talk already? You use the same phrases now.”
Tom grinned at me. “Actually, we didn’t. That’s how ‘casual’ you two looked.”
“Yeah, well, both people need to cross that line for it not to be,” I told him.
“You didn’t want to cross it?” Tom squinted at me.
I sat back in my chair for a minute. “No, I did. She didn’t. So I guess you were more right about me than I realized.”
“What do you mean?” Liv asked.
“Tom said he didn’t know I did casual when I told him I don’t do relationships.”
Liv laughed. “What does he know about casual?”
I laughed. “That’s funny. I said the same thing to him.”
Tom looked over at Liv. “You assumed Phil did casual?”
“Yep.”
I jerked my head at her. “You did?”
She laughed. “Yep.”
“Why is that?”
“Yeah, why is that?” Tom grinned at her in surprise.
Liv rolled her eyes. “Oh, please. It’s obvious.”
“What’s obvious?” I tilted my head at her.
“You’ve got the X factor but aren’t coupled up, so it’s pretty obvious to me.” Liv put her arms in the shape of an X.
“I’m not following.”
“Me either.” Tom looked at her.
“You two don’t know what the ‘X factor’ is?”
We both shook our heads.
Liv leaned toward me and pointed at us. “You two must be living under a rock. The ‘X factor’ is when someone’s sexy and smart with money. And you have the X factor.” She pointed at me.
A faint blush crept up my neck. This was a new revelation.
“Hey, you told me I’m sexy and smart.” Tom grinned at Liv.
She laughed and licked her lips at him. “You are sexy and smart.”
“Okay, so I fit into the X factor. I wasn’t coupled up, and I wasn’t into casual,” Tom pointed out.
Liv laughed. “Yeah, but you’d be an exception classified in the ‘old and boring’ box.”
Not thinking, I took a sip of the pinot and almost spit my wine out.
Tom jerked his head over at her. “What?”
“You definitely had a boring life before me. I’m positive Phil’s private life is much more exciting than yours was.”
I started laughing so hard I began to cry. Liv started to laugh, too. Tom just looked at both of us, rolled his eyes, and shook his head.
When I calmed down, I said, “Liv’s right. Your life was so boring before she came into it. You used to blow up my phone with emails all hours of the night after your games.”
Tom grinned and shrugged.
“You and Laura call Phil ‘Dad,’ but seriously, you’re the one who should be called Dad.” Liv raised her brow at Tom.
Tom laughed. “Why is that?”
“Listen, I don’t have any complaints”—she grabbed his face and gave him a quick kiss—“but Phil does casual, and he’s got the X factor, so Meg and I are pretty sure he’s the freakiest of everyone.” Liv drank a sip of wine.
My face got redder. “You and Meg have actually had a conversation on this?”
“Well, all of us girls, sure.” She shrugged like it was perfectly normal for the girls to be talking about my sex life.
“All of you?” I gaped at her.
“Yep. We all think you’ve got a secret life that none of us know about.”
You’ve gotta be shitting me. So the girls don’t think I’m old and boring, then. Huh.
Tom looked at her. “So you girls just sit around and guess what Phil is doing in his free time?”
“Yep.”
“Wow.” Tom turned toward me and grinned. “I hope you’re living up to your reputation, Phil.”
I laughed. “I’ll try to remember that next time I’m out.”
“Okay, but seriously, what’s happening between you and Sophie?” Liv leaned in again and had a concerned look on her face.
My laugh was short-lived. I shrugged. “Nothing. I’m done.”
“Why?”
“I crossed the line. She won’t let herself cross it. There’s no go-back button. We’re done. Besides anything professional or platonic, if we’re in the same room together, I’m done.”
“What if she changes her mind?” Tom asked.
“Why would she do that?” I took another gulp of the pinot just to torture myself.
Tom sighed. “I’ve known Sophie for a long time. We all used to hang with her…a lot. You’re the first guy she’s dated that isn’t a complete douchebag. She’s a smart girl. From what I saw last night, she’s in a lot of pain, and maybe she’s hit her breaking point. In my experience, once you hit your breaking point, there’s no way to go but up. And you’re definitely up.”
“Thanks, but I’m not going to hold my breath on that. When it’s done, it’s done.”
“Hmm,” Liv muttered.
“What’s the ‘hmm’ about?”
“Well, you know if Meg were here, she would say, ‘if you don’t try, you can’t win.’” Liv grinned.
“I’ve already tried. I didn’t win. It’s over.”
Liv’s smile dropped. “I’m sorry.”
Tom looked at me. “So what’s it now? Back to your exciting secret life?”
I laughed. “I guess so.” But I felt anything but excited about that.
After dinner, I went home and worked for the rest of the weekend. My initial thought was to go to a private party I had gotten a notification on, but I knew I wasn’t going to be able to just screw Sophie out of my mind.
Sunday went by slowly. I worked out twice, dealt with London about more issues, and tried to do anything so I wouldn’t think about her.
Nothing worked.
So I bought a bottle of pinot just to torture myself.
I went to work for the next few weeks and buried myself in my tasks. Every night, I bought a new bottle of pinot just to inflict more pain on myself.
Everywhere I went, I saw her. Her album had skyrocketed to number one, and she had a Christmas song that had shot to number one as well. I couldn’t go into a restaurant, or bar, or store without hearing her voice. I couldn’t look at the newsstand without seeing her face.
Her blue hair was a big hit and became an overnight craze. Women everywhere were dyeing their hair blue and claiming it was part of the holiday season.
There was no getting her out of my head.
I missed her. I had my driver pass her apartment every day in the hopes I would catch a glimpse of her. Why? I don’t know. I had no idea what I would do if I saw her.
I started to text her so many messages. I would write and delete and write and delete.
The definition of a sorry sap became me.
I was walking out of the gym on a Monday morning and ran into Claire.
We still had our text chain going, but I had pulled back a bit and hadn’t seen her since Sophie’s penthouse.
“Hey, Phil. Want to grab a coffee?”
I looked at my watch. “Sure, I’ve got a bit of time before I have to deal with the London idiots.”
Claire laughed. “They aren’t getting any better?”
“They seem to get stupider with every call.” I opened the door to the coffee shop, which was right next door to the gym.
“Well, that sounds horrible.” Claire walked in, and I followed. We stepped into the line.
“Yeah, I think I’m going to be flying over there this week to start cleaning house.”
Claire almost said something, but stopped.
