Unkinked, page 11
Maybe it was the affordable red Toyota Maddy drove, or the fact that he’d never sent a single judgmental look Derreck’s way for his crappy clothes that had more than one hole. After seeing Maddy’s workplace, he’d figured he was lower middle class, but the house was unreal.
Granted, it was nearly identical to all the other houses on the street with their neatly trimmed lawns that had just started to brown from the summer’s sun when everything else in the city had bleached weeks ago. But in Maddy’s part of town, people made six figures and up. Derreck could never dream of affording a single square foot of the place, let alone twenty-five-hundred.
Beyond the stained antique wooden door, which was something that had been unique to Maddy’s house, Derreck’s surprise thickened. The walls were covered in what he assumed were family photographs and a few paintings that looked like they belonged in a museum. The knickknacks were a cute touch, though.
It was the family photographs that surprised him. Maddy had never mentioned his family, except for his pseudo-adoptive cousin at the restaurant. But there they were, Maddy’s mother a slightly taller and blonde version of Maddy, with the same eyes and nose.
Maddy didn’t seem to notice what was around him, even when Derreck complimented the place. Derreck was sure that his eyebrows were somewhere in his hairline, and he wasn’t sure if they were coming down any time soon.
Derreck had poured his pride and money into his car—something that he could touch, tinker with and polish to his heart’s content. Sinking his money into a home was unfathomable.
He let out a soft sigh as the ache in his core was momentarily soothed when Maddy threaded their hands together. He longed to pull Maddy close and kiss the top of his head, but he had no idea where they stood with each other.
The last time a sub had run from him, he’d taken weeks to pull himself out of his spiral. It was that same wound that Maddy had reopened.
Derreck’s soul had poured out onto the street, sizzling as it hit the pavement when he’d found his car empty and Maddy lost to the wind. Going after Maddy hadn’t even been a question. Finding his address had been as easy as slipping into Clint’s office while he was still busy with the stoned sub.
The waivers and consent forms were supposed to be private and confidential, but Derreck had been around long enough to know the codes to all the locked doors in the club. Hell, Clint had called him before when he’d spontaneously forgotten his passwords after a rough day.
Privacy was secondary to Maddy’s wellbeing. Maddy had looked so fucking shattered when Derreck had wrapped his hand around Phil’s throat, and Derreck wasn’t letting up until he’d pieced his sub back together. Fear had never felt so ugly.
“Come upstairs with me,” said Maddy as he tugged Derreck up the stairwell, his full glass of water still clutched in his hand. There were six doorways on the landing, each with stained wooden doors and rich trim. A dark blue accent wall with a reading nook heaped with pillows guarded the top of the landing, the sun streaming in the skylight like a sign from above.
Maddy slipped left, pulling Derreck to the last door. An office? Maddy squeezed his hand as he pushed the door wide, revealing a bedroom.
Derreck froze, his mouth going dry. The bed had to have been a king, with a duvet of blue flowers and pink pillows with the same design. There was one small nightstand with a floral lamp, it’s antique brass shimmering as Maddy flicked on the overhead light.
Sex had been the last thing on his mind, even if his cock was still a bit chubbed up. Sex wasn’t aftercare—well, not usually.
“I don’t expect anything, Maddy. I didn’t come here for sex,” said Derreck, even as his cock went harder as he spied the bed posts. They were solid and looked sturdy—perfect for tying up a wayward sub.
But there was a reason he usually kept his activities to the club. Kink and sex had always been two separate things in his mind. The line had thinned with Nav, but Maddy had obliterated it.
The image of fucking Maddy on the bed, his hands and legs cuffed to the posts and his ass aching from the flogging had him rock hard. Every time Derreck would sink into Maddy, he would feel the heat of the welts on Maddy’s ass against his groin. Maddy would cry out beneath him, begging for more while he struggled through his confusion about the sex itself.
He’d never imagined sex in his perfect scene, but it was there, and he couldn’t get it out of his head.
“I…I need to show you something,” said Maddy, dropping his hand and stepping to the bed. Derreck couldn’t see Maddy’s ass through his slacks, but he knew how perfect it was. It would be even better with his marks on display.
Is it your cock? Derreck shook his head. He couldn’t get the image of Maddy’s perfect cock out of his head. He shuddered as he remembered how it had felt against his own.
Shifting, he thrust his hands in his pockets to try to subtly adjust himself. It was a tight fit, but he managed to flip his cock up under his waistband, the tight band trapping it like a collared rogue animal. The pressure was almost too much, a bit of pre-cum soaking into the bottom of his shirt.
Sex and kink were one thing, but Derreck couldn’t remember the last time he’d been so turned on. It was almost embarrassing how distracted he was.
Maddy tugged at the hem of his shirt, taking a deep breath before he started to pull it over his head. Derreck struggled to keep the surprise off his face as Maddy tossed it to the ground, leaving himself naked from the waist up.
Maddy’s gaze dropped to the floor, his face pale as he gnawed at his lip. Clenching his hands at his sides, Maddy slid his eyes shut, a visible tremble running through his body.
Derreck was next to him in an instant, cupping Maddy’s chin and tilting it up to him. Maddy’s eyelashes fluttered, his blue eyes pinpoints as he finally opened his eyes wide. Tears still clung to his clumped lashes, his sclera pink from his sobs. His lips were so full, the bottom one swollen and bruised from his incessant nibbling.
“Thank you for showing me,” said Derreck, moving his hand through Maddy’s hair before cupping the back of his skull. Maddy’s breath tickled his lips and he struggled not to lean down. A few centimeters and their lips would touch, but what they had was too new. Maddy’s sexuality probably felt like a raw nerve and Derreck didn’t want to push him any further.
“They’re terrible—ugly.” Maddy shuddered as Derreck massaged his scalp, easing the tension from his body with a simple touch.
“No,” said Derreck quietly. “Your fear is the only ugly thing in this room. Don’t be afraid of me, Maddy.”
Maddy’s face crumpled a moment before his sobs began. Derreck could hit him a hundred times, going deep until he drew blood, but it had never broken Maddy the way his exposure had. The designs themselves were just that and nothing else. They were as unimportant as skin color. Derreck’s adoptive parents had been on two different sides of that spectrum, and Derreck had been the third.
“May I touch you?” asked Derreck, moving them to the bed as Maddy nodded. He pulled Maddy to his chest as he lowered them down, breathing in the deep scent of laundry detergent and his sub. His chest hummed as their skin touched.
Carefully, he slid his hand down the back of Maddy’s neck, then lower. Maddy’s back was nearly smooth, with only a few ridges and bumps interrupting his exploration. Slipping down Maddy’s sides, he felt along every ridge between and over Maddy’s ribs, like intricate spiderwebs of banded tissue.
Maddy shivered under his touch before he tucked his head under Derreck’s chin. Goosebumps burst over Maddy’s skin, his prickled hair tickling Derreck’s fingertips.
“I’m sorry,” said Maddy, another sob pushing through his throat as he clung to him. Derreck winced at the grip but didn’t complain. If he had his way, Maddy would be even closer to him, gripping him so hard that they would never be separated again.
“Why are you sorry?” asked Derreck. He reached around to unexplored spots where the worst of the marks were. There wasn’t an inch of Maddy’s stomach and chest that hadn’t been drawn on by some sort of sharp object, and his arms matched the continuous design.
Maddy shook his head, pressing his face into Derreck’s chest. Maybe Maddy didn’t know why he was apologizing, either.
“I should have told you when I first met you. I’m not exactly stable. I don’t belong in a place like Unkinked, and I never should have even tried.” Maddy’s voice leveled out as he spoke, and Derreck stilled his hands on Maddy’s hips.
“Are you sorry that you found me?” asked Derreck. Maybe that was it. But Maddy had been looking for him from the very beginning, and like some sort of fucked up fairytale, they had found each other. “I’m not sorry you found me. You’ve given me so much, Maddy. I could never repay you.”
“But I’m an addict, Derreck. Don’t you get it? Pain isn’t something I could ever give up. It’s my heroin and my reason to get up every day. I’ve tried so hard to quit. I even took a leave of absence from work and checked into a center to try to stop it. It didn’t help as much as I’d hoped, and some days it’s the only thing I think about.”
That hurt more than it probably should have. Derreck swallowed against the ache, stilling his hands. “Your marks are old, Maddy—more than six months, if I had to guess.”
Some of them were even older than that. There were faded strips that looked like they had been inscribed over and over again with years lapsed between them.
“I’ve been using you,” said Maddy, letting out a long breath. “Why would I do it myself when I can get you to do it for me? It feels better when you do it, anyway, and the high lasts longer. You get those places that I’ve never been able to reach, and I don’t feel guilty afterward. I don’t feel like I’ve failed again.”
Derreck traced down to Maddy’s ass, still warm and ridged with the welts from his touch. He cupped one cheek, squeezing hard until Maddy let out a whimper. The sound was laced with pain and something akin to relief. It was the same sound that an addict would have made when they’d finally got their fix after too long. Derreck had heard it before in the darkest places.
“Is that all this is?” asked Derreck, his heart aching but steady. He could close himself off and shut down. He’d done it before, and he could do it again. It shouldn’t have been that hard, anyway. He always was a cold-hearted bastard.
“What else could it be?” asked Maddy, lifting his head. His blue eyes were clearer despite Derreck’s grip, his mouth parted in a sigh.
It could be so much more. We could wake up together in your bed or mine and I could hold you. Maybe someday you would let me kiss you. I just need to be close to you, to hold you, beat you and piece you back together until you forget all about being broken.
Derreck gazed into Maddy’s soft blue eyes. It was all so clear. Maddy saw him as a Dom and only a Dom. Derreck was there to break him and comfort him, but that was it. Maddy had no desire for them to spend a moment more than necessary together. How did I miss this?
“The restaurant,” said Derreck, his mouth dry. “Why did you take me to that restaurant?” It had been a date. He had been certain. They had snuggled in the booth after they ate, and Maddy had ordered and paid for him.
“To thank you. I told you that.” Maddy leaned away before pulling himself onto his knees, his separation like a wall. The bed creaked as he shifted, the polished wood groaning with age.
What would Derreck get for rushing to Maddy’s house to make sure he wasn’t dropping? A Hallmark card? Or maybe just a silent wave before Maddy saw him to the door?
Derreck shook his head in disbelief. The warmth that had started to soothe his limbs was dragged away. He’d experienced top drop before, and he knew the signs. He knew he was just a few minutes away from soul-crushing guilt and uncertainty. His remedy the last time had been to hide himself in his work, digging himself into the ground until he felt lower than the ones around him who were actually six feet under.
“I thought there might have been more,” said Derreck. He owed it to them both to get that out in the open, even if it amounted to nothing.
“You said no sex,” said Maddy, his lips pressing into a firm line as he crossed his arms. “Or did you lie about that?”
“Sex isn’t intimacy, Maddy. You can see inside of someone’s soul and lay them bare before you without ever laying a finger on them. I’ve stripped you of your defenses, and I know who you are—the real you who you try to hide from everyone. I want more from you, and I don’t mean that I just want to fuck you.”
Maddy snorted humorlessly and stood from the bed, wrapping his arms around his middle. “Just. You make sex sound like it’s nothing and like it wouldn’t even matter either way.”
“It doesn’t.”
“Yes, it does,” said Maddy, his voice ringing off the walls. “It matters to everyone, Derreck. You can’t deny that you got hard, because so did I. The difference is that you wanted more, and I was just terrified of what was going to happen.”
“I won’t hurt you—”
“Yes, you will.” Maddy threw up his hands, reaching for his discarded shirt before pulling it on again. He tugged the sleeves down, covering every inch. “That’s the only thing I’m sure about. I want you to hurt me, but I certainly don’t want you to fuck me.”
Derreck ground his teeth together, his jaw aching from the strain. Things were not turning out the way he’d thought they would when he had stolen Maddy’s address and parked himself on the stoop. He had been gung-ho for a snuggle session to try to lift their mutually broken spirits, but instead, he was getting his emotional ass handed to him.
“Do you want me to leave?” asked Derreck, slowly picking himself off the bed. His limbs were slow and sluggish, the drop starting to set in like a fierce ache. He had failed Maddy and himself. Useless Dom.
“I think you should,” said Maddy. His mask was back, the tears dried from his cheeks as if they’d never been there. He was a completely different person to the one that Derreck knew—the one he thought he knew, anyway.
When he walked from the bedroom, his heart plummeted, his throat closing up in the beginnings of a panic attack. It was so much worse than what he’d experienced with Nav, and he knew it had only just begun. At least he’d known that Nav would reach out to Trick, but Maddy had no one—just an empty house with too many empty rooms.
Descending the stairs alone, he turned back, the doorknob creaking beneath his hand. “You know where to find me when you need your next fix, Maddy,” he shouted loud enough so his voice would carry through the house. It was the first time he’d raised his voice in years.
He would take anything he could get. His skin was already prickling with the visceral need to hold his sub, his chest aching with every heartbeat. His vision blurred and he pushed out of the door, slamming it behind him with his full strength.
The sun had dipped behind the roof of the nearest house, the air cooling as it slowly descended. A few crickets chirped by the white picket fence, pausing their song as he marched to his car.
There was only one place for him to go. Digging someone an ill-timed grave had never sounded better.
Chapter Ten
Maddy
Maddy slid into his office chair, feeling lower than the bug that he’d squashed on the way from his car. Unrecognizable emotions oozed from every part of him, just like the bug’s green…jelly. Perhaps someone would come stomp on him and put him out of his confused misery.
Fear… He understood that emotion hiding just beneath his skin. It was the culprit for his sweaty palms and pale face, but the ache in his chest was new. He had tried Pepto Bismol and Gaviscon, but they had done nothing to relieve the discomfort.
Whether it was a side effect of the useless medications, Maddy wasn’t sure, but for the first time in as long as he could remember, there was something at the forefront of his thoughts that wasn’t his next rush of endorphins.
Three weeks. It had been three strenuous and terrifying weeks without Derreck. The first few days had been a numb blur, the only clarity the welts on his ass. He had stood before the mirror, cupping and squeezing them until tears sprang to his eyes. But they had faded, along with the numbness, leaving him lower than the Grand Canyon.
His days had blurred, and even Phil’s smirking face and his boss’s concerned one did little to rouse him from his purgatory. He knew what he needed, but there was no way that he was going to get it any time soon.
A week before, he’d dialed Derreck’s phone number, but it had gone straight to voicemail. He had let the computerized recording beep, then he’d taken two deep breaths before he’d chickened out and hung up. He’d tried every day since, but his calls had stopped going through. Either Derreck had changed his number, or he was ignoring Maddy’s calls.
He’d thought briefly of going to look for Derreck, but his Dom had been right. He knew nothing about him. He didn’t know where to find him at work, or where he laid his head at night. He had no idea what his favorite foods were or his favorite color. He didn’t even know his last name to look him up online.
But why did it even matter? Because it’s Derreck. He’d been kidding himself by thinking there was nothing between them but scenes and pain. His addiction had never made him feel that way.
He had tried and failed to jerk off, rubbing his ass against the bed when it had still been marked and sore. He’d stayed pathetically soft no matter how hard he’d tried to make himself hurt—another thing that seemed to be tethered to Derreck.
A knock at his door startled him from his thoughts. He looked up to see Phil’s slightly distorted face looking at him through his glass door. Even through the mirage, Phil still looked like he hadn’t showered in a week, dandruff clinging to the grease in his hair. He had the nasty habit of covering everything up with cologne and aftershave instead of spending his time showering. Maddy shuddered, waving Phil into his office.
Phil took two steps inside, a smirk on his face as he went to close the door.
