Rather Be Fishing, page 2
“If you want my help you have to let me work. I cannot be concerned with appearances, nor can you, if you want to live,” I said, and took a bite of my slice.
She made a face of utter disgust as she bit into her piece and chewed very slowly. She had a bit of trouble swallowing, but after she did, she offered a weak smile. “Well, okay, but I’m staying too.”
“As you wish, but what you see will be like nothing you've ever seen before,” I told her.
“I have seen vampires before. On television. And since the attacks, I’ve read a lot of books.”
I pondered for a moment over telling her or not.
On the downside, she might decide I was nuts and then I would lose the support of the one person in the town who might be able to help me find the monster.
On the upside, when the vampire arrived, if I told her what to expect, she wouldn’t be as taken aback by the fact it wasn’t what she was so accustomed to seeing in the movies.
I decided to tell her.
When I finished, she nodded as if in approval. “Would you at least have a stake, in the event that I am right and you are not?” she said.
I agreed and we, well I, fashioned a stake from the handle of a broom in the pantry.
Linda agreed to my staying, under the circumstances that we both made pallets and slept on the floor in Ann’s room. She was afraid that if we didn’t, the vampire would turn into a bat, fly by us unnoticed, feed on her friend, and leave with us none the wiser. I had no objections since I really needed to be in the room.
As awful as vampires are, if I was going to follow it, I needed to see the damn thing come and go.
As we settled in, I wasn’t much worried about falling asleep. I never did sleep well when I wasn’t in my bed, and this floor was definitely nowhere close to the comfort level provided by my waterbed.
It’s funny, the things we notice. As I snuggled down into my blanket, I noticed the smell of old. I am not sure how to describe the smell, but it has been present in the house of every elderly person I have ever visited. Sometimes the smell is in their clothes, and you don’t even have to go to their house.
I guess that's beside the point. My mind was drifting because I'm really a coward at heart. I wasn’t happy that everything added up to the fact that this town had a real vampire.
I asked Ann what time she normally went to sleep and she told me nine. That didn’t surprise me. I imagined the whole town closed shortly thereafter.
At any rate, I knew I had at least that long to get some rest.
I closed my eyes and rested heavy. I didn’t fall asleep because I was distinctly aware of everything going on around me, but I had relaxed enough to feel like I was getting some sleep. Okay, that makes no sense, let’s just say I felt rested when I did open my eyes.
I laid there listening to the sound of Ann snoring softly. It was so soft I would call it heavy breathing rather than snoring.
It stopped.
My eyes opened. I glanced beside me to see that Linda was asleep and that was probably best. I looked to the bed.
Ann was sitting up, staring in front of her. She didn’t look to be fully awake, but something had startled her enough to cause her to sit up.
I followed her gaze slowly, knowing but not really wanting to see what was in the room with us.
It floated in the corner of the room. The mass was quite large, perhaps as big as a large dog, but not dog-shaped. At times it was circular but as it drifted slightly, the shape would become less circular. I guess, that being the case, it really wasn’t circular either. It was a shapeless shape. If you think you can do better at describing a nondescript shape, feel free.
To me it looked as if it were still in the first phase but not far from transitioning to the next. The mist had already taken on a grayish hue, and the eyes were visible. I wasn’t about to walk over and touch it to see how tangible it had become.
It seemed to be studying her. I think, somehow, it knew she was not going to provide it with a meal tonight.
The mist shifted and I found that I was staring eye-to-eye with the thing. Its hatred for me manifested in a temperature drop. It knew that I had something to do with the unpleasant changes and it was not at all pleased with me.
Even though I was horrified, I still managed to get to my feet. I knew in my heart that it wouldn’t come close to me, but that didn’t stop my body from producing fear.
It was hideous, a dark billow with hate for eyes. It watched me stand.
“What…” Linda started to say, but quickly hushed as she saw what was in the room.
I shushed her with my hand and took a few steps toward it.
In response, it drifted through the wall, but not before taking another look at me.
I told Linda to stay put and that I would be back after I determined where the body was.
She nodded and sat there shaking. I knew she wouldn’t go back to bed but I also knew she wouldn’t follow me.
I ran outside just in time to see it drift into the neighbor’s house. They don’t pick victims based on the person, but rather on the proximity to their grave, lazy bastards that they are. I don’t try to hide my disdain for monsters. What’s the point?
As I waited, I began to wonder just how we were going to destroy the body. In a town this small, I had no doubt an unscheduled bonfire wouldn’t go unnoticed. I couldn’t set the museum a blaze; it was the town’s life.
My thoughts were interrupted as I saw it reappear from the house.
It looked more solid and I knew it had fed. The eyes regarded me again. The good thing about vampires is that they are arrogant little cusses and it probably saw me as a nuisance and no more.
I watched as it headed off in the direction of the museum, which was about a block away. I opted to walk. It would be less noticeable than a van driving down these empty streets.
I saw it go into the museum and knew that by the time I got inside it would already be in its body, and it would be much more noticeable to destroy an entire collection of mummies than one nasty man. I slowly made my way back to Ann’s house to find Linda in the kitchen with a cup of coffee. I made my own and sat down across from her.
“Did you follow it?” she asked.
“Yes, it lives in the museum,” I answered.
“What do we do now?”
“Well, I will visit the museum before it closes tomorrow and hide inside.”
She interrupted me by laughing. “I’m the cleaning lady. Why not just use my key?”
I had a sting of anger that I struggled to suppress. I thought, Damn it! If she had given me the key, I could have been waiting in the museum and already known which body was the one. A little forethought would have saved us a night, but there was no going back, so I figured there was no sense in fussing.
“Let’s get some rest and tomorrow night I’ll go to the museum,” I said.
“We,” she said in a firm tone.
Oh sure, I thought, frozen stiff with fear and shaking like a leaf, you'll make a great partner. “I think you would be safer in your home.”
“I want to see it destroyed.”
“Tomorrow, I am just determining which mummy it lives in and then during the day we will destroy it. If we try at night, the essence could come back while we are in the process and things could get ugly.”
She nodded and we sat there drinking our coffee.
W hen I woke up I was a little annoyed. I had apparently fallen asleep at the table and she had decided that it was okay. Needless to say my neck and back were in a severe amount of pain. I was really beginning to not like this lady very much.
Considering without my help everyone in this damn town would die, you would think the least she could do is see to my comfort. She could have at least provided a towel so that I wasn’t sleeping in a puddle of my own drool.
I issued some morning pleasantries before setting out for the day. She gave me her key and I told her I would be back after I had my answers and we could discuss what to do next.
She nodded her agreement. She did that a lot and I was beginning to wonder if she had a daily word limit or something. Certainly it could be that she was just a curt old lady whose social skills made mine look like that of a polished social butterfly. I preferred to think that if she used too many words at the end of the day, she would suffer a horrible torture for every extra word used. The thought of her being forced to sleep sitting up at a table with her face in a puddle of her own drool sprang into my head and I had to chuckle.
While I waited for the day to pass I drove around and did some research. What I needed shouldn’t be hard to find, not in a place like this. Much to my pleasure, I found what I was looking for behind the museum.
I parked off to the side, got out, and walked toward the woods. I was pleased to see there was a path, but had to make sure it didn’t lead to anything. There just wasn’t much use in finding a place to burn the body if it was right next to a camp or house or something like that.
Due to the thick trees, the walk was quite pleasant and not too hot despite the ungodly humidity. I walked for what felt like an hour and was beginning to get worried about making it back in time.
I could hear the chatter of squirrels up ahead and it gave me some comfort. As a kid I used to sit and watch them talk, not only pretending to know what they were saying but also that I was part of the conversation. Now, trust me, I know this was foolish, but as I was walking I looked up at the trees and tried to locate the chatty critters.
I know you are probably expecting me to say that by doing so I tripped and fell or stumbled into a corpse or some other thing like that. Nope, not me. I’m an unusually lucky bastard.
The path was definitely on a downward slope, but nothing too drastic. I looked out in front of me to discover that it ended in a circle. The circle had clearly been used for something, in the not too distant past, which involved a fire.
I looked up and noticed the trees seemed to be clear directly above me. I dared not think of why. This was almost too perfect, but I seldom worry about things like that.
As I told you, I am just a lucky guy. I was less concerned with what the spot had been used for than if it could be seen by anyone.
After further investigation, I was satisfied it would be a good isolated place that we could burn the body in broad daylight, when it is safe, without being seen and still have the added protection of direct sunlight should things get ugly.
I returned to my van and watched as the small staff left the museum. I knew from talking with Linda, there was no security. Actually, what she said was, “Bobby and Mick are paid to keep an eye on things. They stay up late playing poker and do so with their window open.”
Apparently, Bobby and Mick lived across the street from the museum.
She gave me a description of the house and I already had my eye on them. They both suffered from the same afflictions, unibrow-itis and cold-beer-stuck-in-hand-itis. I thought that the beer issue probably would serve to benefit me. I looked over at their window as the last of the staff left.
I knew it was the last because a) the parking lot was empty and b) Linda told me there were only six staffers.
I waited a little longer and sure enough, the security crew left their watch. I wasted no time in leaving my van and getting into the museum. There was no telling what those two were doing or how long it would last.
I was surprised to see that the inside was exactly what one would expect to see in a big city museum. Everything in its place and polished clean. The glass cases were dust free and the contents were in perfect chronological order.
It seemed that the museum specialized in Egyptian history, which didn’t surprise me. I only found one area that contained mummies so that was where I stood, waiting for the time to pass and never taking my eyes off the things. Nasty little critters. I don’t have anything personal against mummies; it’s the damn vampires that are produced under such circumstances that bother me. Hey, far be it for me to say a person can’t be gutted and filled with crap then wrapped up if they so desired. Whatever gets you off, just don’t be coming back and killing people.
I looked at my watch thinking it had been too long, and I was right. It was already midnight. How the hell did he get by me? I wondered. Unless this wasn't the only place they kept mummies.
I wandered around the museum, looking for another display or anything that might be large enough to store the body. No luck. I pulled out my cell phone and called Linda.
“I need your expertise,” I said.
“I will have no part of breaking and entering.”
I wrinkled my eyebrows. Except to provide the key, I thought. “I've watched the display mummies all night and nothing so far. I’m fairly certain that it is not still here or it would have searched me out or something,” I said and waited for a response.
“What is it you think I can tell you?” she said, in a tone I really didn’t care for.
“Did he have an office or other place in here that was special to him?”
“Yes, on the ground floor. It was a study of sorts.” Her tone was now one of incredulity.
“Oh, of course it is,” I said.
She made some sort of huffing sound and hung up, leaving me to stare at the phone. I would be glad when I was done working with her. I had the feeling she liked people about as much as I did. Which, if I had cared, would have made me wonder why she was even bothered about the deaths in the town. Since I didn’t care, I didn’t wonder. Instead, I walked around looking for a ‘study of sorts’.
There were three office doors. The first was a storage room that held various artifacts and a lot of paperwork, but nothing big enough to house a body. The second was locked so I moved on to the third, which was filled with desks. I sure wouldn’t want to share an office with that many people. Of course, this wasn’t my problem. My problem was now a locked door. I walked back over to it and tried again, thinking that maybe I had just not turned it hard enough the first time. No such luck.
After careful inspection, I decided it wasn’t the kind of lock that was hard to bypass so I made use of my credit card.
“Bingo,” I said and stepped in.
In the far corner, leaning against the wall, was a sarcophagus.
Although I thought it was a little cliché, who was I to judge?
I sat at the desk and propped up my feet. There wasn’t really anything else I could do. I was fairly sure that this was the body but there was no way to know for certain unless I saw the vampire actually entering it.
I could open it and see if the wraps were new but I might jar it and sever the bond between the spirit and its body. Trust me, that's not good. Sure, without the body, this kind of spirit would soon die, but before it did it would panic and kill everything in sight. The chances of the whole town having Italian for dinner and reeking of garlic were slim, so I waited. Damn if Italian didn’t sound good though.
I think I drifted off to sleep, it happens, even to a professional such as myself. But my senses are keen and I sensed I was being watched. Slowly my eyes focused on the mist in the corner. I knew it was him. There just aren’t too many mists with eyes, after all. Not much chance of mistaking it for a draft of smoke. I wasn’t even smoking at the time.
The eyes were looking directly at me. It is not easy to tell where eyes are looking when they aren’t attached to a head, but since I was the only person in the room, I can say with a great degree of certainty it was looking at me. It drifted a little closer; it stopped and just looked at me.
The temperature in the room dropped. I shivered and pulled my necklace out of my shirt. A lot of kids are taught to make cheerio necklaces. My dad showed me how to string garlic, and at that moment I was grateful. I would certainly thank him when I got home.
While I was thinking of times past, the mist turned and vanished into the sarcophagus. That was all I needed to see. Now came the hard part. I looked at the box. No handles.
“Well of course not, Mike. Did you expect that it would be travel-ready just in the event that an overweight monster hunter wanted to come and carry it out of here? Perhaps they could have installed wheels if I had called in advance and let them know I was planning to come and steal it,” I said and stopped to laugh at my own wit, much more heartily than it was worthy of.
I opened the box and was not at all surprised to see a fresh mummy. I wondered if Dumb and Dumber would notice me dragging the fucker out. Might raise their suspicion. Might. Better to use the backdoor though, I decided. And then there was my van. I would just have to figure that out later.
Right now, the question was how to get the sarcophagus out. At this point, I wished I had used my workout bench for something other than extra seating.
Then another thought struck me; if I move the body while it was still dark, would the vampire come out? I dismissed that, because I was Garlicman, and the fucker would retract like a little bitch.
“Garlicman!” I proclaimed as I tugged the body out and over my shoulder.
Bad idea.
We both fell to the ground with a resounding thud. Well, if it was asleep that should wake it up.
I rolled out from under it and stood panting.
Next time I took on a case like this, I would have to make sure the vampire was a midget. I chuckled and grabbed hold of its feet and began to tug it along.
As I rounded the corner, the body got caught in the door.
“Damn it,” I said and dropped the feet.
I thought about how absurd I must have looked as I crawled over the body and back into the office. Once inside, I pulled on its head, straightening it out and then pushed. It gave a lot easier than I thought and I ended up falling onto it.
I stood up and shuddered. That was closer than I wanted to be to the dead guy, vampire or not.
Only three hours later I had the fucker outside. All I had to do now was get the van. Problem, I was exhausted. My legs burned as I walked around the building. It felt like I had lead in my shoes. A quick glance over to ‘dorks for hire’ let me know that security was still substandard and I could easily get to the van without detection. And I did.
