Mr. Notting Hill, page 18
As a child, my parents never spoke to me about the ups and downs of my sister’s illness or their marriage. But I’d always been able to tell. The atmosphere in the house would tell me how bad things were and how sick she was. On rare occasions the thick tension would lift and smiles and tenderness would replace the tears, but it never lasted long.
After the divorce, things changed and life evened out, but the residue of that time remained tattooed on my insides. I could always read a room. I was always good at going unnoticed. And I was always prepared for the worst.
I carried the uncertainty of that time with me like a stone in my shoe that I couldn’t get rid of. Most of the time, I forgot it was there. I just learned to live with it—knowing tomorrow could be very different from today. I took steps to ensure my world was as unchanging as possible. It was one of the reasons marriage had never appealed to me—why make a promise to love someone forever when it was an impossible promise to make? No one knew what the future held and it was foolish to tempt fate. Not that I wasn’t happy for Andrew and Sofia—I couldn’t be more pleased to see such a great couple, desperately in love and telling the world they were committed to each other. But today the stone had made a hole in my sock and was burrowing into my skin. Questions crowded my mind, and none of them had easy answers.
As Andrew and Sofia promised to love each other for the rest of their lives, the stone screamed, what if things change?
As Andrew and Sofia looked at gazed into each other’s eyes like they would stand in front of a train for each other, the stone shouted, how long will that last?
As Parker squeezed my hand, the stone whispered, how long until you have to give her up?
After the ceremony, we were directed into another room, this one lined with books. “This is beautiful,” Parker said, her head tipped back to take it all in.
We paused as we came to a waiter holding a tray of champagne. I handed her a glass and took one for myself before heading to where Dexter, Hollie, and Gabriel stood.
Parker tugged at my hand, pulling me down slightly so she could whisper into my ear. “Are you okay?”
I nodded, straightening. “Yeah. Just a bit of jetlag.”
“Look at me.”
I did what she asked.
“You don’t have jetlag.” She smoothed her thumb over mine in a movement so small but at the same time so deeply reassuring. That was the thing about Parker: she always wanted to make things better for people. I wasn’t sure if that made me feel better or worse. I’d gotten used to relying on myself, living in the moment. But right now, all I could think about was her and tomorrow—what was going to happen?
I wasn’t going to tell her I didn’t know what the future held for us—that I couldn’t see myself sharing my life with someone. It was driving me halfway to insanity not knowing who had broken into her flat. What if they were following her? Planning an attack? What if she got ill? How could I explain that I didn’t know if we were going to last when the ninety days were up? I liked the now, but I knew better than to expect the now to last.
We looked on as the bride and groom were having pictures together. Parker tugged my hand. “Can I show you something?” she said. We excused ourselves from our group and retraced our steps to where the chairs were still in place from the ceremony.
“What did you want to show me?” I asked.
“I just wanted a few minutes alone with you. Thought maybe I could surreptitiously feel you up and at the same time, cheer you up.”
I smiled at her plan. “Can you believe this place?” She thrust her hands in the air like she was trying to give the skyline a huge hug.
“It’s pretty special.”
She spun around and I snaked my arms around her waist.
“Ceremony was nice,” she said.
I nodded, my chin resting on the top of her head. “Did I ever tell you how small you are?”
“Not for at least an hour and a half.”
“I’m slacking. And you’re very short.”
She laughed and I felt the sound deep in my gut.
Quiet fell between us and we stood, her arms over mine, her hands stroking my arms, watching the hustle and bustle around us.
“You want to talk about it?” she asked.
“Nothing to talk about.”
Silence ticked by for a few seconds, maybe a minute.
“Liar,” she said. “You don’t have to talk to me about it but I’m here if you want to. And you should know that I want to know what you’re thinking. I want to understand when you’re upset and why. Because I want to know you.”
I pulled her tighter, and bent to press my cheek to hers. “I’m not sure I can put it into words. I’m just feeling a little unsettled. So much is changing.”
She turned in my arms. “Because Andrew is getting married?”
Had that triggered these feelings of uncertainty? “Maybe.” I pressed a kiss into her neck. “I feel like at the moment, I don’t know what the future holds.”
Her fingers smoothed around my neck. “None of us do.”
I inhaled. “Relationships change things. When it’s just me, I have some semblance of control over my future—I decide whether I’m going to go to the gym or take a trip or work the weekend. You know?”
She held my gaze. “And now we’re together, you don’t get to decide those things?”
I shrugged. “No. I do. But there are other variables at play that impact my day. Things that could change my future. Maybe you’re working the weekend. Or we get into a fight. Maybe you get sick.”
“We won’t get into a fight as long as you keep me in chocolate-covered raisins and orgasms.” She smiled up at me and I couldn’t help but smile back. Her joy was contagious, but it didn’t erase the uncertainty sitting like sludge in my gut. “But seriously, I think the idea is that we make peace with uncertainty. Any certainty in life is an illusion in any event. We think our lives are going to continue as they are, but there are no guarantees.”
I nodded. “You’re right.” I wasn’t stupid. I knew what she was saying was true. I’d just spent a long time making sure I controlled as much as possible in my life. I wasn’t good with uncertainty.
“But you’re still uneasy. Tell me why. Is it about the cameras you found?”
“Partly. I don’t like not knowing what’s coming for us. There are so many moving parts in our lives at the moment. The cameras. What’s happening with us. Ninety days is nearly up and what then?” I paused. I didn’t want to worry her, but she was asking to know me. “I’ve been like this since I was a kid. Sometimes I can sense something bad is going to happen. I just feel uneasy at the moment.”
She looped her hands around my waist and squeezed me hard. “Because of what happened with your sister?”
“I think so. As a kid you don’t expect your sister to die or your parents to divorce. You think that how life is today is how it’s going to be forever. Of course, that’s never the case, but usually, you learn the lesson a little later in life.”
“It must have been so difficult for you. I can’t even imagine.”
Having Parker right beside me felt so good. So right. Like it was meant to be this way. But at the same time, feeling like that was terrifying. I’d always avoided having women in my life long-term because I never wanted to put stock in the notion that my today would be my tomorrow. There were no guarantees, and I couldn’t bear the thought of waking up to a different future to the one I had planned out. As a single man with just me to worry about, my wife wasn’t ever going to get sick or decide she wanted a different life without me. I never had to worry about that life-disrupting change. Parker had come along and shifted my possible futures, making me long for stability I knew didn’t exist. I just didn’t know how to reconcile this growing desire for forever with the truth I knew in my gut: forever didn’t exist.
Twenty-Nine
Parker
I had lunch to eat and a conscience to clear. Ninety days were nearly up but there was one more thing I needed to do before I got my hands on my trust fund.
“This is a nice surprise,” my dad said as I popped my head around his office door.
“Maureen said you hadn’t had lunch.” I held up a Pret bag with his favorite egg and cress sandwich. “I thought we could eat together.”
“Wonderful. Come in and sit down.”
I took a seat and unpacked the sandwiches. “I got you water. No coffee. Mum says you’re not allowed.”
He sighed. “I’m on a complete coffee ban now. She said if I still want a glass of wine at weekends, the coffee has to be cut completely. Maureen won’t even get me a cup.”
“Maureen knows which side her bread is buttered. Mum is infinitely more terrifying than you are.”
“Agreed.” My dad opened his egg and cress sandwich but before he took a bite, he looked me in the eye. “So, straight to it, why are you here?”
He’d not gotten to where he had by mincing his words. “I just want to talk about my trust fund.”
He took a bite of his sandwich, giving me more time to elaborate. But I hadn’t quite found the words.
“The lawyers are sorting out the paperwork. All funds should be in your name by the end of the week.”
He wasn’t telling me anything I didn’t know and I should be deliriously happy with what he was saying. But it was like the lie I’d told him about Tristan and me had lodged in my chest and now was fighting to get out. “I wanted to talk to you about that,” I replied.
He took another bite of his sandwich. Seemed like he was ready to listen.
“You know I thought it was a shitty rule that you made my access to the trust fund conditional upon me being married.”
“This is not news to me, Parker. I get that you didn’t like it. But you’re married now. And you’ll get access to your fund by the end of the week. So what’s the problem?”
The problem was, I didn’t feel right getting twenty-five million pounds under false pretenses, however much of a good cause I was going to donate it to. My dad wasn’t a stranger I’d never have to face again. I loved him. And respected him. I had to come clean about what I’d done—even if it meant risking access to the fund.
“I didn’t like it,” I said, trying to buy myself some time. How did I tell my dad that I’d lied to him so he’d give me money?
“And I said, you’re not telling me anything I didn’t know. But I had my reasons, and I stand by them.”
I sighed, put my wrap down, and sunk back in my chair. “I don’t see why you have to be concerned about my personal life. I’m twenty-eight years old.”
“It doesn’t matter how old you are. I’m your father and until the day I die, I will worry about you. I will continue to want what’s best for you from beyond the grave.”
“Maybe I know what’s best for me.”
He chuckled. “Maybe you do. Maybe you don’t. I have a feeling we’ll do this dance together, this little power struggle, until the day I die too.”
“Will you stop talking about your death? You’re vegetarian now, for goodness’ sake.” I gestured to the corner of his office. “You have a standing desk. You’ll continue to rule London’s financial world for a while yet.”
He smiled at me. “When you were born, you came out holding your head up like you were determined to plow your own path. I love that about you. You have a fierce sense of right and wrong. You work hard. You’re a good person, always far more concerned about everyone else than yourself.”
I rolled my eyes. I’d heard this story a million times.
“I’m very proud of you, Parker.”
“Daddy,” I said, in a voice that implored him to stop being so kind. Was he trying to make this even more difficult for me than it already was?
“Spit out what you’re trying to say.”
There was no choice, I had to just come out with it and hope for the best. Worst-case scenario, he stopped me from getting my trust. At least I’d have a clean conscience. “I only married Tristan so I could get access to my trust fund.”
He stayed silent, as if he hadn’t heard me.
“Dad?”
“Go on.”
“I wasn’t in love with Tristan when I married him. He agreed to be my husband for ninety days until I got my money.”
My dad nodded like I’d just told him they were out of egg and cress sandwiches.
“Dad, I’m telling you I lied to you. My marriage to Tristan is just pretend.”
My father steepled his fingers in front of him. “I’ve known you a long time, Parker. And I know you well. I’m well aware that when you married Tristan, you were just trying to get your hands on your trust fund.”
It was as if he’d kicked me in the stomach.
“You knew?”
“You’d been trying to get me to change the rules of the trust for years. And then all of a sudden you stopped asking. I know you better than to assume you’d given up. This isn’t my first rodeo. I knew you’d just changed tack.”
“So you guessed about me and Tristan from the start?”
He shrugged. “You’d barely met when you announced your wedding. And anyway, if we’re putting all our cards on the table here, when I saw Tristan after your auction dinner, he mentioned something.”
My jaw dropped and I stood, my napkin tumbling to the ground. “Tristan told you I’d asked him to marry me?”
“Not exactly. I read between the lines. He confirmed it when I asked him straight out.”
It was as if he’d pushed me over. I couldn’t have been more shocked. My father and Tristan had been in on it all along. “So basically, you gave him your approval?”
Nausea swirled in my stomach. I couldn’t even try to deceive my dad without him actually having orchestrated it. There was no escaping his reach.
“Parker.” His tone was warning. “Don’t overreact about this. Tristan was a virtual stranger to you when you suggested your little scheme. I’ve known him a long time. No doubt he felt obligated to let me know about your plans and frankly, so he should have. He’s a loyal friend. He didn’t know that I wouldn’t mind if you were only getting married to get access to your fund. But he didn’t tell me even though I’m sure he wanted to. He was trying to respect your privacy.”
I sighed. I thought Tristan was . . . mine. I thought he was loyal to me. I got that we didn’t know each other very much at the beginning, but we’d grown close. Feelings had developed. At least on my side. Our emotions might not be everything a married couple had between them, but real had replaced fake in many ways. Why hadn’t he told me my father knew? There had been plenty of times when he had the opportunity. Our honeymoon—when we’d first slept together. Or straight afterward. He should have said something.
“So you gave him your blessing?” Earlier today, I’d worried my father would feel betrayed when he learned the truth. I didn’t expect that I’d be the one to feel like I’d been lied to.
“I told him that if he married you—even if it was for the sole reason of getting your hands on your trust—it would fulfil the terms. And I thought it better him than someone I didn’t trust.”
“There is really no escaping your power, is there?”
“Don’t be naïve. You’re going to come into a great deal of money in a few days. And that money is going to make a huge difference to the people who benefit from it through Sunrise. You only have the ability to make that difference because you’re my daughter—because of the money I’ve put in the trust. You’re always looking at the downside, but there’s a tremendous upside.”
“I get it. And I’m grateful that you’ve given me that trust . . . It’s just . . .” I loved my dad. I was proud of what he’d accomplished. Only sometimes, I wished I felt in control of my own life.
“I know I can be interfering,” he said. “And I can’t say that I didn’t invite Tristan to come to the charity gala because I wanted you two to hit it off—”
“You were playing matchmaker?”
He shrugged. “Turns out I didn’t have to try. Remember, he bid on you before he knew you were my daughter. You can’t say that for any of the others who raised their paddles that night.”
I sighed. “That’s true.”
“And you know Tristan well enough by now to realize he’s not a man who gets serious about women at the drop of a hat. Fake marriage or not, I can tell by the look in his eyes he’s serious about you.”
“It doesn’t matter how he feels. If he can’t be honest with me, if he doesn’t respect me enough to tell me the truth, then nothing between us is real.”
I stood. I couldn’t just sit here and chat. I wanted to go home. But I wasn’t sure where that was. Tristan had made me promise not to go back to my flat. To a hotel? I needed to go back to Tristan’s to collect some stuff. I supposed that would at least force me to confront him. I wanted to know why on earth he would keep something like that from me, especially when it seemed like we had been sharing so much—for real.
I headed out to my car. I needed time to process what my dad had said. I could do with a night away from Tristan before we had this conversation. I felt so hurt and betrayed by him—he and I were supposed to have secrets from the world. I was supposed to be his inner circle.
I pulled out my phone to call Sutton and saw I had an email notification. I swiped up to open my inbox and my stomach dropped through the seat of the car. It was an email from Mike, my ex. The man who’d only been with me because he thought I was rich. The man who made me look at every other man differently. Why on earth would he be emailing me? There was nothing he had to say that I wanted to hear. Was there? Only one way to find out. I opened the email.
Dearest Parker,
I wanted to vomit. I used to love when he addressed his notes to me that way.
A long time has passed since I last saw you and I have always regretted how abruptly we parted ways.
Regretted?
I think often about our times together. You were a kind, wonderful person and I was lucky that you loved me.
