Their Unexpected Babies, page 8
He looked up, tiredness in his eyes. ‘I know.’
‘I’ve not had one good parent either—not one. I don’t know what it is to be a mother.’ She bit her lip. ‘But I do know I want to do all I can to protect this little one inside me as much as I can, until I have to make a decision. It’s a learning process. No one ever said parenthood was easy.’
‘Aren’t you scared?’
‘Ben, I’m terrified. This is all I’ve ever wanted, and now I’m pregnant and faced with the fact that I may have to terminate depending upon where the baby has implanted in my uterus. I’m in the worst lottery ever!’
‘I admire you. Your strength and resolve.’
She looked back at him. ‘And I admire yours. You don’t give yourself much credit for what you did in the past, do you?’
‘It had to be done. Someone had to step up.’
She waited for him to realise what he’d said.
He nodded, understanding.
‘Do you think you can do it again? Step up?’ she asked tentatively.
‘If you’d asked me this months ago I would have said no. No way. But since meeting you...and it’s you that’s carrying my child... I would like to think that I could try.’
She could have cried. Her emotions always seemed at the forefront recently. She felt honoured by his words and his depth of feeling. Clearly he had thought long and hard over this, knowing his past and his fears.
Leah smiled. ‘I’m very pleased to hear that.’
‘We’ll face whatever we have to face.’
She nodded. ‘Thank you.’
He was silent for a moment. Then he asked. ‘How’s everything going with the other pregnancy?’
‘Sally? Good. She’s been away on a camping trip—which is hilarious, as Sally only usually does five-star accommodation. But she’d promised her boys, so...’
‘You make sacrifices for family?’
‘Exactly.’
‘Have you told her yet? About your pregnancy?’
‘No. And I’m desperate to. She’s the one I always call. The only person I’ve ever really relied upon.’
‘And the...er...father of that baby?’
‘Anonymous sperm donation.’
‘Oh. Right.’
‘I want a family so much, but I’ve always been alone, Ben. I’ve done everything by myself. And so when I decided the time was right to have a child I decided to parent alone, too. Knowing that as long as I just had myself to rely on it wouldn’t get screwed up. Silly, I know, but it’s how I felt.’
‘It’s not silly at all.’
‘And now I’ve screwed up. I’ve got pregnant, knowing the risks. And I’m scared witless I could lose it!’ She began to cry.
Ben shuffled closer and draped his arms around her, holding her trembling body as she cried. He made soft, soothing noises as he stroked her back and her hair, waiting for her to calm and breathe normally again, and when she was finally reduced to just sniffing and holding him tight, he lifted her chin so that she would look at him.
‘This wasn’t your fault. It was an accident. And though you thought you’d have to do all this alone, know this... I’m with you. You don’t have to do any of this alone any more. I’ll keep you safe.’
She smiled and laid her head back against his chest, absorbing the strength of him. The feeling of being secure and looked after. Cared for.
It felt good.
‘We’re in this together.’
* * *
Ben’s patient, Amy, had presented with intense abdominal pain and a panicked look in her eyes.
‘I’m pregnant! And I can’t lose this baby. I can’t!’
Beside Amy sat her mother, clutching her hand, and Ben did his best to reassure them as he proceeded with his examination. Amy had no temperature, but her pulse was high, as was her blood pressure—though that could be from anxiety and pain.
‘When did the pain start?’ he asked as he palpated her abdomen.
‘I woke with it. But it wasn’t as strong this morning. I took a couple of paracetamol and just got on with things, but by midday it was really beginning to hurt.’
‘Did the paracetamol help at all?’
‘Not really. It hardly touched it. Please tell me my baby is going to be okay!’ She gripped his wrist to make him look at her and he could see raw fear in her wide eyes.
He had a suspicion as to what it might be. Either an ovarian torsion, a miscarriage, or an ectopic pregnancy. His hunch was on the latter, going by her symptoms.
‘I’ll need to do an ultrasound. Just give me a moment and I’ll get the machine.’
He left the cubicle, relieved to be away from such palpable fear, knowing that maybe he couldn’t do a thing about it. And then he saw Leah at the desk, standing by the doctors’ station. She looked a little green.
He touched her arm. ‘Hey, you okay?’
‘Feeling a bit sick.’
‘That’s a good sign.’ He smiled, thinking of the poor woman he had just left. She would probably be glad of a little morning sickness. ‘Have you had anything to eat?’
‘Couldn’t stomach anything.’
‘Eat one of these. You need to help your blood sugar.’ He passed her a tin of chocolates that had been donated to the department by a grateful patient’s family.
Leah rummaged in the tin and picked one that had bits of mint crisp in it, then popped it into her mouth, chewing reluctantly. ‘This tastes like ash.’
He nodded sympathetically. He wanted to stay and talk to her, but his patient’s needs had to come first right now, and Amy was worrying, and he hoped he could allay those worries with a scan.
‘I need to get the portable ultrasound.’
‘What do you have?’
He was reluctant to say. Did he really want to mix Leah up with a patient who might be about to lose her baby?
‘Abdominal pain.’
She looked at him, assessing. ‘Oh? What do you suspect?’
He sighed. ‘Ovarian torsion, maybe? Ectopic? I think I’ve ruled out appendix.’
He saw sadness and empathy fill her face and she nodded. ‘Oh... She must be scared.’
‘Yeah. Look, I’d better get on...’
‘Of course.’
He walked away, collected the ultrasound and went back to the cubicle, his patient Amy and her mother.
‘I’m going to squirt some gel onto your belly. It’ll be cold, but it will help us get a better picture.’
Ben used the probe, gliding it over Amy’s skin to get as good a picture as he needed of her insides, in order to see what was going on. It was difficult. Amy kept moving and groaning with the pain.
He frowned as he stared at the screen. ‘Amy, do you know you only have one fallopian tube?’
‘Yes. I lost the other one to an ectopic pregnancy.’
Damn. Ben swirled the probe this way...that.
He angled the screen so that his patient could see. ‘Amy, it looks like another.’
Her eyes widened. ‘What? No! That can’t be possible! Look again!’
He shook his head and showed her the empty womb. ‘There’s no foetus in your womb—it’s growing here, in your remaining fallopian tube. We can’t save this pregnancy, and it’s most likely you’ll lose this tube, too.’
‘Lose the baby?’ Amy began to cry, covering her face with her hands as she sobbed.
Hearing the pain in her cries and seeing her intense emotion made him feel awful. He tried his hardest to remain detached, but all he could think of was what if he were in the same situation soon with Leah? He knew how much she wanted to be a mother, and though her pregnancy was a mistake he knew she was hoping for a miracle. Just like Amy had been. Would he be strong enough to witness Leah’s breakdown?
Amy’s mother began to cry with her, trying to comfort her daughter but completely at a loss.
This was the part of doctoring Ben hated. Delivering bad news. Most of the time he had a great job. Healing people. Fixing them. Seeing them walk out through the double doors of A&E much better than when they’d walked in. But then there were days like this. Moments when nothing he said could make anything better.
He noticed she had unnatural narrowing of her fallopian tube at one end and wondered if the other one had been the same. But the knowledge wouldn’t help her now. Wouldn’t ward off the upset.
Amy’s mother turned to him. ‘This was her last chance.’
‘I’m so sorry.’ Ben shook his head. ‘We’ll need to book your daughter in for surgery. I’ll give you both a moment alone, but I’ll be back soon in case you have any questions.’
To see such need humbled him. To see such a drive to have a child... It was something he’d never had himself. Stories like Amy’s were upsetting, but he’d always been able to separate himself from them and keep an emotional distance.
How would I feel if Leah lost our baby?
He felt something deep inside. Something stirred. What was it? He dug and dug and dug, striving to define the feeling, and when he realised what it was he discovered something about himself.
The feeling was fear. And sorrow.
He would be sad if she lost the baby.
He really didn’t want it to happen!
How quickly thoughts could change...
CHAPTER EIGHT
‘NERVOUS?’ BEN COULDN’T help but notice that Leah’s left leg was bouncing up and down in an anxious jitter. This was what they had been waiting for. The scan that would tell them what they wanted to know. Hopefully.
He found it odd that, considering a few months ago he’d never dreamt of being a father, here he was hoping that the baby had implanted in a good place in the womb, so that it would survive and have a chance to develop and grow. Live a normal life. And give him and Leah the chance to parent.
It still terrified him, but what was stronger was the realisation that he could do it.
‘Having kittens. You?’
‘Sweatier than a nun in a—’
‘Dr Leah Hudson?’ called a voice, interrupting him.
Leah raised an eyebrow. ‘Than a nun in a what?’
He passed her bag, thinking fast. ‘In a sauna.’ He winked. ‘What did you think I was going to say?’
She gave him a nervous smile and they walked towards the woman who had called Leah’s name.
The ultrasound room was quite small. There was enough room for the equipment, a bed, a small sink area and a couple of chairs.
Leah was thirteen weeks and two days pregnant, and he’d spent the last few weeks veering wildly between wondering just what the hell being an actual father might be like and worrying about how he’d feel if she miscarried.
Only now he knew. He’d be upset.
But Leah’s womb had retained the pregnancy so far and here they were. In a situation he could never have imagined himself just a few short months ago. But he was an honourable man and he was ready to step up and take responsibility. Do the right thing. It was something he was used to.
He’d spent so long telling himself he didn’t want to be a father that now it was going to happen he felt strangely at peace with himself. Why was that? Was it because this was happening with Leah?
She was amazing. Kind. Loving. Warm.
Brave.
He knew how terrified she was, and yet she had remained the epitome of grace and gentility, and watching her now, as she lay down on the bed and raised her shirt for the sonographer to apply gel, she glanced at him and smiled, reaching for his hand.
He gave it gladly, smiling back. Squeezing her fingers in a gesture that said, I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.
The smile he got in return stirred his heart, and he realised there and then that what had begun as a one-night stand had become so much more. In, oh, so many ways. And now he was determined to be there for her—refused to abandon her the way her own parents had. They were in this together.
Briefly, Ben’s mind flashed back to the patient who had lost her second ectopic pregnancy and he suddenly felt guilty that he was sitting here, going through this, and she wasn’t. How life played with them all. Giving to those who didn’t expect it and taking away from those who wanted it more than anything.
But he wanted it now.
‘You okay?’ Leah whispered.
He smiled, loving the fact that she was worried about him at this moment. This moment that she had hoped and prayed for for many years. The moment she wanted to cherish more than any other. The first glimpse of her baby, her very own flesh and blood. There was no way of knowing yet whether the outcome was going to be positive or negative—and yet she was making sure that he was all right.
That was what he loved about her.
‘I’m good. Look.’ He saw the screen come to life as the transducer was applied to her abdomen.
The screen was filled with grey and black shapes, blurry and undefined, and then there...suddenly...was his child.
Their child.
It was too soon to know if it was a boy or a girl, a son or a daughter, but that was his child. His baby. Curled up like a minute kidney bean, the small fluttering in its chest showing a clear heartbeat.
‘Oh, my God...’ they both said, in awe.
He’d never felt anything like it. This moment. This precious moment in which time seemed to stop and all other sound disappeared as the sonographer turned up the volume and they heard it. The baby’s heart.
Boom-boom, boom-boom, boom-boom.
Tears stung the backs of his eyes and when Leah turned to look at him, tears already streaming down her face, he lifted her hand in his and kissed the back of it.
‘Ben! That’s our baby!’
‘It is! I see it.’
She clutched his hand tight and they watched and smiled as the sonographer led them through the scan, checking measurements—thigh bone, head to rump length, nuchal fold. All the measurements that had to be taken to make sure their baby was growing at the correct rate and would be healthy.
‘Baby’s perfect for gestation,’ the sonographer said. ‘Shall I print you some pictures?’
‘Yes, please!’ answered Ben.
He met Leah’s gaze and smiled. It was real now. He’d seen it. The baby. It wasn’t just a thing, the situation they talked about. It wasn’t just cravings, or morning sickness, or Leah getting tired at work. It was real. A head, a heart, arms and legs, hands and feet. Growing and getting bigger within Leah. Something they had made together. A real person!
‘What’s the position? Is it safe?’ asked Leah.
Ben sucked in a deep breath as he waited for the sonographer to give them their answer.
* * *
They sat stunned into silence on the sofa of her flat.
‘I need to call Sally.’
Ben nodded. ‘Of course. She’ll be nervous for you.’
Leah bit her lip and looked away. ‘I haven’t told her yet.’
‘What? She doesn’t know? About anything?’
‘She doesn’t even know that I’m pregnant.’
‘But I thought she was your best friend? She’s carrying your child.’
‘That’s exactly why!’
How could she explain to him that she was scared? Guilty?
‘I couldn’t tell her. She thought she’d finished having kids—told me that part of her life was over—and then, when she found out about me and my difficulties, she stepped right up. Offered me her womb. Said she’d be proud to do it because I couldn’t.’
‘And now you’re pregnant yourself.’
‘And it’s implanted low down in my womb. I have a chance to carry my own child! To bring it to term and give birth! It’s what I’ve always wanted, and yet I’ve put Sally through pregnancy again. Do you know how sick she got? And she’s already getting stretch marks!’
She could feel tears burning her eyes. This happened a lot just lately. Every time she thought about what she was putting her best friend through.
‘She loves you. She’ll understand.’
Leah nodded. ‘I know. But I feel like I’ve lied. I worry that she’ll think I won’t want the baby that she’s carrying. I’m putting her through labour and birth—something she swore she’d never do again, because last time she got a third-degree tear and complications afterwards. But she stepped up anyway, because she thought I couldn’t do this, and now that I can she needs to know.’
Ben made them both a drink and they sat on the couch together, looking at the scan photos.
‘How do you feel?’ she asked him.
‘It feels...weird.’
‘How so?’
Weird enough to run away? Weird enough to dump her? She hoped not, but that was what she was used to. And she’d been warned about Ben, about how he’d broken a few hearts at the hospital already. She almost couldn’t believe they were talking about the same person, because the Ben she knew seemed nothing like the Ben who was gossiped about.
‘Like I’m standing in the eye of a storm and all these thoughts and feelings are whirling around me, faster and faster, and I don’t know which one to focus on first.’
She grimaced. ‘That bad, huh?’
‘No, it’s not bad. It’s just...scary.’
‘Need-to-run-away scary, or a-little-bit-apprehensive scary?’
Ben put down his drink and took her hands in his. ‘I’m not running away. Hey...’ He used a finger to lift her chin and make her look at him. ‘It’s all going to be okay. We’re going to be okay.’
It felt good to be this close to him again. Side by side, faces close, looking into each other’s eyes. What did she want to see in those eyes of his? Certainty? Reliability? Dependability? She wanted to feel that he would be there for her. Would always look out for her. Was that asking too much? Was that hoping for too much happiness? Was that even a thing?
But there was something else in his gaze too. There was attraction and desire—the things she still felt the pull of herself, despite having worked so hard to keep Ben in the ‘friend zone’ for so many weeks now...
‘I’ve not had one good parent either—not one. I don’t know what it is to be a mother.’ She bit her lip. ‘But I do know I want to do all I can to protect this little one inside me as much as I can, until I have to make a decision. It’s a learning process. No one ever said parenthood was easy.’
‘Aren’t you scared?’
‘Ben, I’m terrified. This is all I’ve ever wanted, and now I’m pregnant and faced with the fact that I may have to terminate depending upon where the baby has implanted in my uterus. I’m in the worst lottery ever!’
‘I admire you. Your strength and resolve.’
She looked back at him. ‘And I admire yours. You don’t give yourself much credit for what you did in the past, do you?’
‘It had to be done. Someone had to step up.’
She waited for him to realise what he’d said.
He nodded, understanding.
‘Do you think you can do it again? Step up?’ she asked tentatively.
‘If you’d asked me this months ago I would have said no. No way. But since meeting you...and it’s you that’s carrying my child... I would like to think that I could try.’
She could have cried. Her emotions always seemed at the forefront recently. She felt honoured by his words and his depth of feeling. Clearly he had thought long and hard over this, knowing his past and his fears.
Leah smiled. ‘I’m very pleased to hear that.’
‘We’ll face whatever we have to face.’
She nodded. ‘Thank you.’
He was silent for a moment. Then he asked. ‘How’s everything going with the other pregnancy?’
‘Sally? Good. She’s been away on a camping trip—which is hilarious, as Sally only usually does five-star accommodation. But she’d promised her boys, so...’
‘You make sacrifices for family?’
‘Exactly.’
‘Have you told her yet? About your pregnancy?’
‘No. And I’m desperate to. She’s the one I always call. The only person I’ve ever really relied upon.’
‘And the...er...father of that baby?’
‘Anonymous sperm donation.’
‘Oh. Right.’
‘I want a family so much, but I’ve always been alone, Ben. I’ve done everything by myself. And so when I decided the time was right to have a child I decided to parent alone, too. Knowing that as long as I just had myself to rely on it wouldn’t get screwed up. Silly, I know, but it’s how I felt.’
‘It’s not silly at all.’
‘And now I’ve screwed up. I’ve got pregnant, knowing the risks. And I’m scared witless I could lose it!’ She began to cry.
Ben shuffled closer and draped his arms around her, holding her trembling body as she cried. He made soft, soothing noises as he stroked her back and her hair, waiting for her to calm and breathe normally again, and when she was finally reduced to just sniffing and holding him tight, he lifted her chin so that she would look at him.
‘This wasn’t your fault. It was an accident. And though you thought you’d have to do all this alone, know this... I’m with you. You don’t have to do any of this alone any more. I’ll keep you safe.’
She smiled and laid her head back against his chest, absorbing the strength of him. The feeling of being secure and looked after. Cared for.
It felt good.
‘We’re in this together.’
* * *
Ben’s patient, Amy, had presented with intense abdominal pain and a panicked look in her eyes.
‘I’m pregnant! And I can’t lose this baby. I can’t!’
Beside Amy sat her mother, clutching her hand, and Ben did his best to reassure them as he proceeded with his examination. Amy had no temperature, but her pulse was high, as was her blood pressure—though that could be from anxiety and pain.
‘When did the pain start?’ he asked as he palpated her abdomen.
‘I woke with it. But it wasn’t as strong this morning. I took a couple of paracetamol and just got on with things, but by midday it was really beginning to hurt.’
‘Did the paracetamol help at all?’
‘Not really. It hardly touched it. Please tell me my baby is going to be okay!’ She gripped his wrist to make him look at her and he could see raw fear in her wide eyes.
He had a suspicion as to what it might be. Either an ovarian torsion, a miscarriage, or an ectopic pregnancy. His hunch was on the latter, going by her symptoms.
‘I’ll need to do an ultrasound. Just give me a moment and I’ll get the machine.’
He left the cubicle, relieved to be away from such palpable fear, knowing that maybe he couldn’t do a thing about it. And then he saw Leah at the desk, standing by the doctors’ station. She looked a little green.
He touched her arm. ‘Hey, you okay?’
‘Feeling a bit sick.’
‘That’s a good sign.’ He smiled, thinking of the poor woman he had just left. She would probably be glad of a little morning sickness. ‘Have you had anything to eat?’
‘Couldn’t stomach anything.’
‘Eat one of these. You need to help your blood sugar.’ He passed her a tin of chocolates that had been donated to the department by a grateful patient’s family.
Leah rummaged in the tin and picked one that had bits of mint crisp in it, then popped it into her mouth, chewing reluctantly. ‘This tastes like ash.’
He nodded sympathetically. He wanted to stay and talk to her, but his patient’s needs had to come first right now, and Amy was worrying, and he hoped he could allay those worries with a scan.
‘I need to get the portable ultrasound.’
‘What do you have?’
He was reluctant to say. Did he really want to mix Leah up with a patient who might be about to lose her baby?
‘Abdominal pain.’
She looked at him, assessing. ‘Oh? What do you suspect?’
He sighed. ‘Ovarian torsion, maybe? Ectopic? I think I’ve ruled out appendix.’
He saw sadness and empathy fill her face and she nodded. ‘Oh... She must be scared.’
‘Yeah. Look, I’d better get on...’
‘Of course.’
He walked away, collected the ultrasound and went back to the cubicle, his patient Amy and her mother.
‘I’m going to squirt some gel onto your belly. It’ll be cold, but it will help us get a better picture.’
Ben used the probe, gliding it over Amy’s skin to get as good a picture as he needed of her insides, in order to see what was going on. It was difficult. Amy kept moving and groaning with the pain.
He frowned as he stared at the screen. ‘Amy, do you know you only have one fallopian tube?’
‘Yes. I lost the other one to an ectopic pregnancy.’
Damn. Ben swirled the probe this way...that.
He angled the screen so that his patient could see. ‘Amy, it looks like another.’
Her eyes widened. ‘What? No! That can’t be possible! Look again!’
He shook his head and showed her the empty womb. ‘There’s no foetus in your womb—it’s growing here, in your remaining fallopian tube. We can’t save this pregnancy, and it’s most likely you’ll lose this tube, too.’
‘Lose the baby?’ Amy began to cry, covering her face with her hands as she sobbed.
Hearing the pain in her cries and seeing her intense emotion made him feel awful. He tried his hardest to remain detached, but all he could think of was what if he were in the same situation soon with Leah? He knew how much she wanted to be a mother, and though her pregnancy was a mistake he knew she was hoping for a miracle. Just like Amy had been. Would he be strong enough to witness Leah’s breakdown?
Amy’s mother began to cry with her, trying to comfort her daughter but completely at a loss.
This was the part of doctoring Ben hated. Delivering bad news. Most of the time he had a great job. Healing people. Fixing them. Seeing them walk out through the double doors of A&E much better than when they’d walked in. But then there were days like this. Moments when nothing he said could make anything better.
He noticed she had unnatural narrowing of her fallopian tube at one end and wondered if the other one had been the same. But the knowledge wouldn’t help her now. Wouldn’t ward off the upset.
Amy’s mother turned to him. ‘This was her last chance.’
‘I’m so sorry.’ Ben shook his head. ‘We’ll need to book your daughter in for surgery. I’ll give you both a moment alone, but I’ll be back soon in case you have any questions.’
To see such need humbled him. To see such a drive to have a child... It was something he’d never had himself. Stories like Amy’s were upsetting, but he’d always been able to separate himself from them and keep an emotional distance.
How would I feel if Leah lost our baby?
He felt something deep inside. Something stirred. What was it? He dug and dug and dug, striving to define the feeling, and when he realised what it was he discovered something about himself.
The feeling was fear. And sorrow.
He would be sad if she lost the baby.
He really didn’t want it to happen!
How quickly thoughts could change...
CHAPTER EIGHT
‘NERVOUS?’ BEN COULDN’T help but notice that Leah’s left leg was bouncing up and down in an anxious jitter. This was what they had been waiting for. The scan that would tell them what they wanted to know. Hopefully.
He found it odd that, considering a few months ago he’d never dreamt of being a father, here he was hoping that the baby had implanted in a good place in the womb, so that it would survive and have a chance to develop and grow. Live a normal life. And give him and Leah the chance to parent.
It still terrified him, but what was stronger was the realisation that he could do it.
‘Having kittens. You?’
‘Sweatier than a nun in a—’
‘Dr Leah Hudson?’ called a voice, interrupting him.
Leah raised an eyebrow. ‘Than a nun in a what?’
He passed her bag, thinking fast. ‘In a sauna.’ He winked. ‘What did you think I was going to say?’
She gave him a nervous smile and they walked towards the woman who had called Leah’s name.
The ultrasound room was quite small. There was enough room for the equipment, a bed, a small sink area and a couple of chairs.
Leah was thirteen weeks and two days pregnant, and he’d spent the last few weeks veering wildly between wondering just what the hell being an actual father might be like and worrying about how he’d feel if she miscarried.
Only now he knew. He’d be upset.
But Leah’s womb had retained the pregnancy so far and here they were. In a situation he could never have imagined himself just a few short months ago. But he was an honourable man and he was ready to step up and take responsibility. Do the right thing. It was something he was used to.
He’d spent so long telling himself he didn’t want to be a father that now it was going to happen he felt strangely at peace with himself. Why was that? Was it because this was happening with Leah?
She was amazing. Kind. Loving. Warm.
Brave.
He knew how terrified she was, and yet she had remained the epitome of grace and gentility, and watching her now, as she lay down on the bed and raised her shirt for the sonographer to apply gel, she glanced at him and smiled, reaching for his hand.
He gave it gladly, smiling back. Squeezing her fingers in a gesture that said, I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.
The smile he got in return stirred his heart, and he realised there and then that what had begun as a one-night stand had become so much more. In, oh, so many ways. And now he was determined to be there for her—refused to abandon her the way her own parents had. They were in this together.
Briefly, Ben’s mind flashed back to the patient who had lost her second ectopic pregnancy and he suddenly felt guilty that he was sitting here, going through this, and she wasn’t. How life played with them all. Giving to those who didn’t expect it and taking away from those who wanted it more than anything.
But he wanted it now.
‘You okay?’ Leah whispered.
He smiled, loving the fact that she was worried about him at this moment. This moment that she had hoped and prayed for for many years. The moment she wanted to cherish more than any other. The first glimpse of her baby, her very own flesh and blood. There was no way of knowing yet whether the outcome was going to be positive or negative—and yet she was making sure that he was all right.
That was what he loved about her.
‘I’m good. Look.’ He saw the screen come to life as the transducer was applied to her abdomen.
The screen was filled with grey and black shapes, blurry and undefined, and then there...suddenly...was his child.
Their child.
It was too soon to know if it was a boy or a girl, a son or a daughter, but that was his child. His baby. Curled up like a minute kidney bean, the small fluttering in its chest showing a clear heartbeat.
‘Oh, my God...’ they both said, in awe.
He’d never felt anything like it. This moment. This precious moment in which time seemed to stop and all other sound disappeared as the sonographer turned up the volume and they heard it. The baby’s heart.
Boom-boom, boom-boom, boom-boom.
Tears stung the backs of his eyes and when Leah turned to look at him, tears already streaming down her face, he lifted her hand in his and kissed the back of it.
‘Ben! That’s our baby!’
‘It is! I see it.’
She clutched his hand tight and they watched and smiled as the sonographer led them through the scan, checking measurements—thigh bone, head to rump length, nuchal fold. All the measurements that had to be taken to make sure their baby was growing at the correct rate and would be healthy.
‘Baby’s perfect for gestation,’ the sonographer said. ‘Shall I print you some pictures?’
‘Yes, please!’ answered Ben.
He met Leah’s gaze and smiled. It was real now. He’d seen it. The baby. It wasn’t just a thing, the situation they talked about. It wasn’t just cravings, or morning sickness, or Leah getting tired at work. It was real. A head, a heart, arms and legs, hands and feet. Growing and getting bigger within Leah. Something they had made together. A real person!
‘What’s the position? Is it safe?’ asked Leah.
Ben sucked in a deep breath as he waited for the sonographer to give them their answer.
* * *
They sat stunned into silence on the sofa of her flat.
‘I need to call Sally.’
Ben nodded. ‘Of course. She’ll be nervous for you.’
Leah bit her lip and looked away. ‘I haven’t told her yet.’
‘What? She doesn’t know? About anything?’
‘She doesn’t even know that I’m pregnant.’
‘But I thought she was your best friend? She’s carrying your child.’
‘That’s exactly why!’
How could she explain to him that she was scared? Guilty?
‘I couldn’t tell her. She thought she’d finished having kids—told me that part of her life was over—and then, when she found out about me and my difficulties, she stepped right up. Offered me her womb. Said she’d be proud to do it because I couldn’t.’
‘And now you’re pregnant yourself.’
‘And it’s implanted low down in my womb. I have a chance to carry my own child! To bring it to term and give birth! It’s what I’ve always wanted, and yet I’ve put Sally through pregnancy again. Do you know how sick she got? And she’s already getting stretch marks!’
She could feel tears burning her eyes. This happened a lot just lately. Every time she thought about what she was putting her best friend through.
‘She loves you. She’ll understand.’
Leah nodded. ‘I know. But I feel like I’ve lied. I worry that she’ll think I won’t want the baby that she’s carrying. I’m putting her through labour and birth—something she swore she’d never do again, because last time she got a third-degree tear and complications afterwards. But she stepped up anyway, because she thought I couldn’t do this, and now that I can she needs to know.’
Ben made them both a drink and they sat on the couch together, looking at the scan photos.
‘How do you feel?’ she asked him.
‘It feels...weird.’
‘How so?’
Weird enough to run away? Weird enough to dump her? She hoped not, but that was what she was used to. And she’d been warned about Ben, about how he’d broken a few hearts at the hospital already. She almost couldn’t believe they were talking about the same person, because the Ben she knew seemed nothing like the Ben who was gossiped about.
‘Like I’m standing in the eye of a storm and all these thoughts and feelings are whirling around me, faster and faster, and I don’t know which one to focus on first.’
She grimaced. ‘That bad, huh?’
‘No, it’s not bad. It’s just...scary.’
‘Need-to-run-away scary, or a-little-bit-apprehensive scary?’
Ben put down his drink and took her hands in his. ‘I’m not running away. Hey...’ He used a finger to lift her chin and make her look at him. ‘It’s all going to be okay. We’re going to be okay.’
It felt good to be this close to him again. Side by side, faces close, looking into each other’s eyes. What did she want to see in those eyes of his? Certainty? Reliability? Dependability? She wanted to feel that he would be there for her. Would always look out for her. Was that asking too much? Was that hoping for too much happiness? Was that even a thing?
But there was something else in his gaze too. There was attraction and desire—the things she still felt the pull of herself, despite having worked so hard to keep Ben in the ‘friend zone’ for so many weeks now...
