Irish Rogue, page 18
I return the embrace, each of us holding the other tightly. Our tears fall. They’re not just of pain, but maybe of healing, too. We cry until neither of us has anything left. Finally, I sit back and wipe the wetness from my face. Mila does the same. We sit quietly for a moment as we both come to terms with everything we thought we knew but didn’t.
“I’m guessing you’re looking for advice because things have changed between you and Paddy?” she asks. “That this might become a real marriage?”
“I don’t know,” I tell her. “He’s different than I knew him to be. It’s almost like there are two sides to him. The one he shows me and the one he shows everyone else.”
Mila grins. “You should be used to that with Pierce. We see a different side of him than the rest of the world. He’s still the same person. You, Milana, and I just get the best parts.”
She’s right. Maybe I’m getting the best parts of Paddy. I like those parts. A lot. “We kiss a lot,” I confess. “But lately, I’ve been wondering if I can have more. I’m terrified, though, even though I’m trying not to be.”
“Do you care about him? This started out as a marriage of convenience only, but it seems like that might not be the case anymore?”
Her question makes me pause. I do care about him, but is that enough?
Mila cocks her head. “Do you love him?”
My heart stutters. I swallow down the uncertainty. “I think I could grow to. But, we barely know each other.”
“And what about Paddy? How does he feel?” she asks.
“I don’t know,” I say softly, staring down at my hands. “I know he’s attracted to me and I to him. He makes me feel beautiful. He makes me laugh. He’s home more often lately, and even on the nights he comes home really late, I’ve never gotten the impression he’s been with another woman. But what do I know about how these things work? Maybe I’m only seeing what I want to see.”
Mila tucks my hair behind my ear. “What does your heart tell you? It usually sees things our eyes don’t.”
It tells me he cares but doesn’t want to. It tells me that maybe our marriage doesn’t have to be what it started out as. It could be more. It tells me that maybe I don’t have to be afraid. I reach out for another hug. “Thank you for everything. I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
Chapter 33
Paddy
* * *
The familiar creak of the stairs tells me Anya is descending them. She’s gotten into the habit of joining me in my converted man cave in the evenings. Some nights, we talk. Other nights, I’ll play a game while she sits on the couch and works on the dress she says she’s making as a gift for Caitlín. Every night, we kiss. I can sense the frustration in her when I say good night.
I’m not sure if it’s at herself or me for not doing more than just kissing. I’m equally frustrated because I want nothing more than to touch her. I want to feel Anya’s bare skin beneath my fingertips. The softness of it. I want to hear her gasp in pleasure, and I want to watch the arousal on her face.
Except she hasn’t given me any indication that she’s ready for that. Which means I have to continue giving my own hand a workout. Why don’t you just go to Divine and put yourself out of your misery? I keep asking myself that question over and over. This is the longest I’ve ever been celibate. I’m sexually frustrated and a little angry for not doing something about it.
“May I come in?” Anya asks from the entryway.
I bite back my groan. The satin, long-sleeve robe tied loosely at her waist does nothing to hide her generous curves. It gaps open at the top, offering me a hint of cleavage despite the shirt beneath it. The length is even with the shorts she’s wearing that taunt me with a view of her thick thighs. I clear the arousal from my throat. “Of course.”
She strides in with less hesitance than she’s ever displayed before. I study her and the way she moves as she crosses the room and takes a seat on the end of the couch next to where I sit in my overstuffed gaming beanbag. There’s something different about Anya tonight. I can’t put my finger on what, though. Maybe a new confidence to her. She seems less tense and nervous.
“Is everything okay?” I ask.
“Hmm,” she murmurs distractedly and then gives her head a small shake. She smiles down at me. Something that seems to be coming easier to her. It’s like a sucker punch every time. Then she leans over the armrest of the couch and presses her lips against mine. “Oh, yes, it’s good.”
I sit in stunned silence. This is the first time she’s initiated kissing me. I’ve always been the one starting things. She enthusiastically participates but never has she kissed me first. My brain is trying to figure out what this means.
“Would you show me how to play that video game ?” she asks when the silence drags.
It takes me a second more to recover. “I’m not going to turn you into a gamer, am I?” I cock my head, amused by her thinly veiled excitement.
“Maybe. Who knows? I could end up finding it entirely too complicated and give up. I’ll admit to not having a lot of patience. Plus, I’ve always been a slower learner. You might get tired of showing me if I never figure it out,” she teases me.
I reach up from my position on the floor with an outstretched hand. “Let’s see what you got.”
Anya’s gaze is puzzled, but she sets her palm in mine and rises from the couch. I gently tug her toward me and separate my legs. Her cheeks flush prettily, but she lowers herself and settles in the cradle of my thighs, facing the television. I pick up the controller from where I set it on the floor and lean forward, curving my body around hers, passing it in front of us for her to hold.
“You’ll need this,” I murmur against her ear. The scent of her is intoxicating.
Anya sucks in a shaky breath. My fingers brush over hers as I describe what all the buttons and knobs mean. She trembles with each word I speak and presses her back more firmly against my chest. Can she feel my cock hardening against her ass?
“Got it?” I ask, knowing full well she’s distracted.
“Um, you might have to go over it again.”
My chuckle vibrates through me. Anya shivers as though she felt it, as well. Behind her, I smile with satisfaction. She is certainly aware of me. It’s enough for the moment, though. The evening is still young. There’s plenty of time to continue my seduction.
Giving us both a break, I pull back a fraction and recite the buttons’ functions again. “You ready to try?”
“What?” she mumbles as though disoriented. “Oh, the game. Yes, I’m ready.”
I smother my bemused grin. What else could she have thought I meant to try? I press the button, and the game begins. We go slowly as I guide her through the rules. It takes a while, but she finally gets the hang of it. Soon, we’re battling a dragon together and making our way through a deserted castle, armed with a longbow, while we search for a treasure chest in its dungeon.
Sadly, our fictional life comes to an end, and, for the moment, the game is over. Anya sets the controller on the floor and swivels sideways. Her eyes sparkle, and her excitement is obvious. My gaze drops to where her robe has parted even farther. I almost groan at all the flesh exposed. Not needing to torture myself, I raise my eyes back up to her smiling face.
“No wonder you play that. It’s so much fun. Challenging, but I loved it,” she gushes.
I grin in response to her contagious enthusiasm. “I’m glad you liked it. You picked it up pretty quickly. I’m impressed. It’s not an easy game to learn.”
“I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to figure it out. It did start to frustrate me a lot at first,” she admits.
“You handled it like a pro.”
Slowly, she leans forward and brushes her mouth across mine for the second time. Her tongue flicks out as if seeking an invitation. I part my lips in offering. Tentatively, she slides it between them to glide along mine. She tastes minty like she recently brushed her teeth. Her confidence grows as does her boldness.
Anya twists even further and loops her arms around my neck, deepening the kiss between us. Her breasts brush across my chest. Gentle fingers spear my hair. Her nails scrape across my scalp, spiking my arousal to an even greater height.
I need to touch her. More of her. My hand palms her hip, not traveling any further, merely cradling the generous curve of it. Anya sucks in a breath. She doesn’t pull away or break the kiss. She just freezes like she’s waiting for whatever I’m going to do next. I stay perfectly still. Trying to let her know that she’s leading this.
As though reading my thoughts, she relaxes into me and continues exploring my mouth. It’s a bit more cautious, but no less effective at making my cock rock hard. No doubt she knows how much she affects me with her innocence.
Far too soon, she breaks the kiss, pulling back to stare at me as we both try to catch our breath. Her arousal-darkened eyes stare into mine. An emotion passes between us. I can’t name it, but its presence makes me wary. Cautious. Like I’m playing a game I’ve forgotten the rules to. I can’t forget them, though.
Stupid.
Worthless.
As though sensing my withdrawal, Anya’s expression closes. The light in her eyes dims. She separates herself further from me and moves to stand. Against my better judgment, I stop her. I can’t seem to let her go yet.
“Would you like to stay and watch a movie?” I ask.
She hesitates, biting her lip in indecision. A part of me wants her to say no. To be the one to put distance between us. Instead, she nods shallowly.
“I’ll stay.”
For some reason, those two simple words take on a deeper meaning. I curse my weakness because a greater part of me had wanted her to say yes.
Chapter 34
Anya
* * *
I’ve missed the entire movie. Instead, all I can think about is the kiss. Or rather, Paddy’s reaction to it. When he emotionally pushed me away. I felt it happen, his withdrawal. One minute, this powerful surge of…something passed between us. The next, his expression grew shuttered.
Except, it had made my heart skip several beats. It made me experience an emotion I haven’t felt in years. Not since maybe those long-ago months when Mila’s and my garden first began to grow in that abandoned field. It had been so long ago, almost in another lifetime, that it took me a moment to identify it.
Happiness.
Before that kiss, I’d been content. I’d been content with being content. It’s all I’d hoped for when I proposed this idea of marriage to Paddy. I would have been satisfied with contentment. Except, that’s no longer the case. I don’t want to just be content in my marriage. In my life. Not anymore.
That moment between him and me makes me realize that, despite what I told Mila before, I can be happy. Because Paddy makes me happy. The problem is…I don’t think it’s the same for him. Despite all the shared kisses, there’s a resistance from him. Some thing that holds him back. It leads me to question everything. He agreed to marry me to stop his mother’s matchmaking. But what is it about marriage that has him so against it? Why did he not want to ever get married in the first place?
At last, the movie ends. We’ve been sitting on the couch since it started. Halfway through, Paddy pulled me against his side, where I’ve been curled ever since, enjoying the heat of his body. It’s these intimate moments he gives me that have me so confused.
The only light in the room comes from the television screen. With the movie over, it’s quiet. Neither of us has moved. It’s like we don’t want to disturb whatever it is we’re feeling. Finally, Paddy shifts, turning his body the slightest bit toward me. His arm around my shoulder tightens, and I savor the closeness. The way he still, and has almost from the beginning, makes me feel safe.
He reaches up and covers my hand that’s been lying against his chest. Before I can guess his intent, he slowly turns my arm over. My robe sleeve has ridden up and exposed my skin. I try to pull away from his grasp, but he holds tight. Not enough to hurt, but enough to keep me still.
My heart beats in my ear, the sound of it growing louder and nearly drowning everything out around me. There’s a whooshing echo. I can’t believe Paddy can’t hear it. His thumb gently glides along the length of my scar. The noise in my head slowly grows quiet.
“Will you tell me about this?” Paddy asks softly.
I shudder. Not only from the caress but from the memories his question brings back. I want to jerk my hand away. To hide. Except, I’m no longer sure hiding is an option. Not anymore.
“What is there to tell?” I reply, still fighting against being vulnerable. Vulnerability is a weakness. It’s too open. Too painful. “It’s obvious what they’re from. What more needs to be said?”
Hiding may not be possible, but that doesn’t mean I can’t try. Old habits are hard to break.
Paddy releases my arm and gently pinches my chin. He raises my head so we’re face-to-face. His blue eyes are kind. There’s also pain in them. As though he’s hurting. For me, maybe? “When did you get it?”
It’s clear he’s not going to let it go. “After,” I whisper.
He doesn’t say another word or ask another question. Instead, his gaze does all the talking. The coaxing. My single-word answer isn’t enough for him, but he doesn’t want to push me. I’m thankful for that. Which could be why it makes it easier to tell him. I sit up and turn both my arms over, resting them on my lap. I stare down at the dual lines.
“I had a lot of nightmares when I first got to Pierce and Mila’s. From my time with…” Just the thought of him makes my stomach unsettled. I make myself say it, though. “The Polish. With Gornak. There were nights they got so bad, I wanted to die, if only to make them stop.”
Paddy lifts my chin, tipping my head back so we’re once again eye-to-eye. It’s like he won’t let me hide, either. He swipes my cheeks with his thumbs, dragging tears along with it. “So you tried to stop them.”
It’s not a question, but I nod in answer anyway and drag my gaze from his. “Pierce found me. It’s one of the many reasons he’s so protective. Why he doesn’t ever want anything, or anyone, to hurt me or cause me pain. It’s also why we’re so close. He never once judged me or made me feel like I was a terrible person.”
I don’t want to meet Paddy’s eyes. I’m afraid of his reaction. Except, once again, he won’t let me hide. His hand cradles my cheek, and he waits until I look at him. Some of the tension leaves my body. My shoulders drop, and my rigidly held arms loosen and relax. There’s only compassion in his expression.
“What about Mila?” he asks. “I understand your relationship with Pierce a bit better now. But what about your sister?”
“Until recently, we never talked about it. Ever. We both acted as though it never happened. We finally had an open and honest discussion. I learned so many things. About Mila’s past. About mine. I’ve always believed that she hadn’t forgiven me, but that couldn’t have been farther from the truth. Although, I wouldn’t blame her if she hadn’t.” I take a deep breath and make an admission. “Sometimes I’m not sure I’ve forgiven myself.”
Paddy gently clasps my wrists. His gaze bores into me, and I’m unable to look away. Slowly, he raises one of my arms and places a soft kiss on that thin, white line. I suck in a sharp breath—hold it—as he repeats the gesture to the other side. More tears escape. At last, I let it out.
He releases my hands and palms my cheeks, his thumbs wiping away my tears once again. He leans forward and ghosts a kiss across my forehead. My nose. My mouth. It’s light as a feather. Then, he pulls me in and wraps his arms tightly around me. His scent surrounds me. Comforting me.
I return his embrace and bury my nose in the crook of his neck to breathe in more of his clean soap fragrance. The slowly falling tears come faster. My hold on him tightens as though I’m afraid he’ll let me go too soon. My sobs grow choked. Broken.
The pain I’ve been holding inside shatters like the broken glass of a dropped plate. The shards pierce me, and my emotions bleed out in waves. Rising and cresting. Battering the inside of my heart as though trying to break out.
To break me.
Except there’s Paddy’s warmth rushing forward to battle against the heartache. He soothes the pain with just a touch. My sobs ease. My tears slow. Still, I don’t want to let him go. His heart beats loud and steady, and before long, my own matches the rhythm of his. Our breathing synchronizes. I’m drowsy and warm within his embrace. A part of me fears what I’ll see when I let him go.
The longer he holds me, another emotion—a stronger one—begins to replace the hurt and anguish I’ve been holding inside. It’s warm. Soft. Gentle. It blankets my insides before wiggling into my heart and settling in there. It begins to glow brightly.
At first, it reminds me of the hope I’d lost long ago. That burning flame that had nearly been extinguished. But that isn’t it. It only takes another second for me to finally figure it out.
It’s love.
Love isn’t supposed to happen. Neither of us signed up for this when we agreed to get married. It was nothing more than a business arrangement, essentially. Except, that’s no longer the case. At least for me. What do I do?
“You’re thinking really loud. You know that, right?” Paddy murmurs in my ear.
Reluctantly, I pull away to stare at him. “What?”
“Just now. Whatever thoughts you were having…they were loud. I could almost hear them.”
I sniffle and crinkly my forehead. “That doesn’t make any sense. You can’t hear thoughts.”
