Degrees of Love, page 23
His fingers lifted my chin to look him in the eyes. “Have you ever melted into him until you didn’t know if it’s your heart beating or his?” His voice was low and seductive and his eyes held me as his fingers caressed my cheek and brushed down my neck.
I whispered, “No.”
“Does he think of you as his soul mate?”
I looked away. “He doesn’t think in those terms.”
His fingers ran lightly back up my neck and into my hair. Cupping the back of my head, he drew me into a soft and tender kiss. He murmured against my lips, “You love me more.”
I was a heartbeat away from making love to him again. Instead, I shoved against his chest and scooted away. “I’ve never loved Matt as much I love you, and I don’t think I ever can, but I can’t be with you anymore.”
Reese’s game face replaced my lover’s. “You once told me our life wasn’t some nineteenth century novel. Why are you acting like it is? If I truly am the love of your life, you should be with me. Divorce isn’t a taboo any more. I don’t give a fuck what he says, he can’t make you stay, and he can’t keep your boys from you. Look, I found you an attorney. He told me California courts are very favorable towards mothers.”
He had to be the most persistent man I had ever met. “Damn it Reese, it’s over! It’s not going to happen,” I snapped. He winced, as if I caused him physical pain. “I’m sorry. I’d give up anything else for you. I’d give up my career and move to New York, but I can’t give up my family. The boys and Matt, as a package, are my family.”
“Did you know this when I gave you the necklace?”
“I wasn’t certain about anything at that point. I knew I didn’t want to lose you. After what happened, I was ashamed of how selfish I’ve been.”
I couldn’t look at him. It was too hard with my insides splitting open. He put his arms around me. I tried to push him away, but his arms tightened like iron bands. “As long as I know you love me, I’m not letting go. I told you I‘m strong enough for the both of us and I am. You don’t have to choose between us.”
“You make it sound so simple, but I’m the one constantly nauseous with guilt.”
“Don’t you dare feel guilty because of me. I’m a grown man. I know what I’m doing.”
“It’s not just what I’m doing to you. Look at what I’m doing to my family. It’s as if guilt is literally a living being eating my insides. Can’t you understand why we have to end this? I can’t split myself in two. This double life is killing me. I am asking, begging you to let me go.”
He dropped his arms and his chest heaved. “Okay, I’ll do what you need.” I got up to get dressed, but he stopped me. “Can you stay a while?”
“Are you sure you want me to?”
“I want you with me as long as possible.”
I got back in bed and molded against him, wanting to melt into him just as he had said. The rain had stopped and we gazed out the window, watching planes come and go.
After a while he asked, “When you come to New York next month, will you see me? You may feel differently after we’ve been apart for a while.”
“You might feel differently, too.”
“I won’t. I know I won’t … I’ll always love you.”
“I hope that’s not true. We both need to let go.”
He put his hand over my mouth, shushing me. “I don’t want to talk about it anymore.”
We didn’t. We spent the rest of the afternoon and evening loving each other, both of us wanting to make the most of what little time we had left.
The house was dark when I got home. I thought everyone was in bed, but Matt was watching television in the family room with the lights off. I popped my head in the room, not wanting to get close to him. I was afraid he would smell Reese on me.
“Hey, I’m home.”
“How was dinner?”
“Uneventful.”
“Want to watch a movie with me?”
“Sure, just let me take a shower first.”
As I undressed, I swear I could smell Reese on my body. I lifted my arm, inhaled, and told myself it would be the last time I would come home with his scent mingled with my skin. I wanted to believe the hot water washed away his scent and his hold on me. I wanted to come back to Matt physically and spiritually clean. I thought of Mitzy Gaynor singing, “I’m gonna wash that man right out of my hair… and send him on his way.” If only it were that easy. It made me chuckle. At least something did.
The movie distracted Matt. I was able to lay my head on his lap and let my thoughts stay with Reese. I fell asleep thinking of him, but Matt was the one who carried me to bed. Matt was the one who got in bed beside me, and Matt was the one who I woke up next to in the morning.
Both boys had their last soccer game of the year, and I had volunteered to organize the end-of-year party for Micah’s team. The diversions helped me survive the weekend. We loaded into our minivan Saturday morning and left as a family. If I stayed with Reese, days like this would never happen again. I gave out a sigh of relief. I had actually ended the affair without Matt finding out; no one was murdered in the heat of passion; no one lost his job; nothing cataclysmic happened. Life went on as if my time with Reese had never occurred.
Jason’s team lost. Micah’s team won, and he scored two goals. He bounced up and down for the rest of the day. Matt was a very proud daddy. He took the boys to a movie while I went to the local pizza parlor to set up the team party with Tracy Roberts.
“Hey Susan, great game today! Micah must be very excited.”
“I think Matt is more excited than Micah.”
“Men and their boys,” she joked.
We chatted as we hung a banner and streamers and set out party favors. She told me her husband, John, quit his job and was now a stay home dad.
“Wow. So how is it with him home?”
“Honestly, I wasn’t too sure about it when he first suggested quitting. I didn’t like the idea of doing without his income, but with both of us working it felt like we were always running. I didn’t have time for him. He didn’t have time for me. Know what I mean?”
“I do.” It’s the way Matt and I had been for years. However, Matt staying home would not be a solution for our marriage. He would never give up his work. Besides, he had no homemaker skills, and I was too picky about how I liked things done in the house.
“So it’s been great. I can work late and focus without worrying about picking up kids or starting dinner. John is doing all the cooking and all the laundry. Neither one of us has been exhausted after our kids have gone to bed.” She smiled and blushed slightly. Tracy was obviously enjoying a renewed sex life. Seeing another couple find a solution to their marital problems gave me hope for my own.
“It sounds great.”
“It has its downside. Last week I ended up with all grey underwear. Can you believe he washed my lingerie with jeans?”
We both laughed. “What is it about men and laundry? I guess there are some things we just have to do ourselves,” I said.
“Got that right, Sister. You travel a lot don’t you?”
“Yeah.”
“It must be nice. I would love to get away sometimes.”
“Traveling has its perks.” I thought of Reese and a pang rippled in my chest.
“So are you like that guy in that novel, Up in the Air?” The guy in the novel had an affair with a married woman. I wasn’t sure what she was asking. “You know, do you have the gold cards and platinum memberships?”
My pulse normalized, and I laughed. “Oh, yeah, but it’s not as exciting as it sounds.”
“Never is.” She laughed too and asked, “Hey, you want a beer? Bet we could get away with it before everyone shows up.”
She was probably a bit of a party girl when she was younger. It was pleasant talking to Tracy, but I couldn’t see her being more than an acquaintance. We were both moms and executives in large companies, but other than that, we didn’t have too much in common.
“Susan, this was fun. We should have a girls’ night sometime.”
“We definitely should,” I agreed even though I was almost certain we never would.
“I belong to an executive women’s networking group for VPs and higher. We get together once a month. The meeting part can be deathly dull, but afterwards we go out for drinks. It’s fun. Anyway, there’s a meeting next week. Would you like to come?”
“I may be in Los Angeles, but I’ll let you know.”
What was wrong with me? Tracy was a nice, normal woman. Why couldn’t we be friends? I had to make an effort, or I’d never have female friends. I resolved to follow up with Tracy. If I couldn’t make the December meeting, I’d go the January event.
Sunday was harder to get through. There were no soccer games or team parties to distract me. Matt kept looking at me with his big blue eyes and “tried to make an effort,” which only made me feel more guilty. More than anything, I wanted to be left alone. I told him I had to get some work done, which wasn’t a lie. I checked my e-mail. There were a few from Reese, but they were all work related. I couldn’t focus.
My stomach churned and my throat felt constricted. I wanted to escape my body and fly away, float in oblivion. I wanted to be free of the pain and the anxiety. I wanted to feel normal, not even necessarily happy; I would settle for peaceful. I couldn’t remember the last perfectly peaceful day I’d had. I was happy with Reese, but never peaceful. There was always a varying quantity of anxiety fluttering around my stomach, and guilt, always guilt.
Reese was more than under my skin. I’d let him in the core of my being. I felt so entwined with him that I didn’t know how to extricate him. Yet, I had to flush him out of my system and be free of him. I wanted to feel clean again. I tried soaking in a hot bath, but the boys kept banging on the door.
“Mom, I need to go to the bathroom,” Jason declared.
“Use the other bathroom.”
“What?”
“Use the other bathroom!”
Next, it was Micah. “Mom, Jason won’t get out of my room.”
“Micah, come on. He just wants to play with you.”
“He’s bugging me.”
“Fine. Tell him I said to leave you alone.”
Then Jason was back. “Mom, Micah punched me.”
“What did you do to him?”
“Nothing.”
“Tell him to come here.”
A few minutes later I heard them screaming at each other. I got out of the tub and yelled at Matt, “Matt, please! I’m trying to take a bath.”
Matt took care of it, but then he was knocking on the door. “Susan, sorry, but would you like me to start dinner?” Nice hint that he was getting hungry. Matt was a terrible cook. Why would I want him to start dinner? I gave up and got out of the bathtub.
I cooked a big dinner that night, and the boys were happy. Matt was quiet. I’m sure he knew something was wrong. He didn’t ask, but he didn’t try to touch me either, which was fine with me. I didn’t want his touch, and I didn’t want to hurt him with a rebuff.
Monday and Tuesday were even harder than Sunday. Reese and I had to discuss business and be on conference calls together. Hearing his voice was excruciating. It made my chest throb, and I had struggled to keep my voice steady. When I spoke to him, our conversations were stilted, but professional with no hint of double meanings.
I wanted to know how he was doing, but I didn’t dare ask. I wanted to call him and tell him I’d changed my mind, but I didn’t.
Wednesday I went to Boston, irrationally hoping he would throw caution to the wind and be there. He didn’t. Being in the hotel room by myself, loneliness engulfed me. It was suffocating and a black hole in my heart threatened to suck me in. I almost called him, but called Matt instead. Matt wasn’t much of a talker in person. He was even worse on the phone. I indulged in a good cry and a hot shower.
On Thursday, the meeting was a success. We would have signatures on our first contract in a matter of weeks. I was elated and knew Reese would be ecstatic. I started to call him, but hung up before he answered. Instead, I sent him an e-mail from my Blackberry.
He sent me a one-word response: Congrats. That was it.
My heart was bleeding, and unsure I could survive without him, I seriously questioned my decision. How could I live when I couldn’t breathe? When I got to the airport, I found a flight to New York that boarded in thirty minutes. I went so far as to get in line at the flight desk. My saner self got on the plane to San Francisco.
On Friday, I sent him an e-mail: Friendly reminder, I will be on vacation next week. If you need me to reach me, call my personal cell.
He e-mailed me back: I’ll be at my parent’s house. Call my cell if you need me.
I did need him, but I wouldn’t call. He and I needed time and space. I tried not to think about him. It was impossible when my eyes hungered for the sight of him; my body ached for his touch; my tongue salivated for the taste of his skin, and every cell in my body craved him. I wanted to hear his voice and feel his warmth. I missed his scent. I missed him.
When I woke up Saturday morning, sunlight shined through the slates of the blinds. I opened them and let the sun in. I’d made it through a whole week without breaking.
The boys had the week off for Thanksgiving and Matt decided to take the week off, too. We needed the time to be a family. We watched movies, went bowling, and played games. The boys helped me make pies for Thanksgiving, and we spent the big day at Matt’s parents’ house.
I tried to participate fully, but it was hard. I floated and drifted through the week playing my part in the family events, but rarely being totally present. I didn’t cry once, which was positive. One eye guided me through the motions of the day. I could play games with the boys, cook without burning food, and drive without accident. All the while, my other eye was turned inward, only seeing him, only wanting to see him. In rare moments I caught myself not thinking about him and hoped those moments would become more frequent.
The Friday after Thanksgiving, I received the official invitation for the company holiday party. This was the first year I’d had an important enough title to make the guest list. It was a black tie event and spouses were invited. I didn’t think Matt would want to go. He didn’t like parties, and I had never known him to wear a tuxedo, not even for our wedding.
He floored me when he announced, “I’ll ask my mom to watch the boys for us.”
“You want to go?”
“The invitation is to both of us.”
It was a sweet gesture, and I tried to give him an easy out. “Honey, I appreciate the offer. I really do, but you don’t have to go. I’m fine going by myself.”
“Don’t you want me to be your date?”
I most emphatically did not want him to be my date. The idea of Reese and Matt being in the same room was beyond terrifying. Besides, Reese expected me in New York sans Matt.
“Don’t be silly. I’d love to show off my husband, but I know how uncomfortable you are with strangers. I’ll have to be working the room. It won’t upset me or hurt my feelings if you don’t go. It’s really okay.”
“Your company should know you have a husband.”
What did he mean by that comment? “They know.”
“I’ve never met anyone.”
“It’s rather difficult when the company is based in New York.”
“So, I’ll go.”
I gave him my last argument, “It’s a black tie event. You’ll need a tux.”
“I’ll rent one.”
“You cannot wear a rented tux.”
Matt gave me a befuddled look. “Why not?”
I pictured Reese decked out in impeccably tailored Armani, complemented with designer shoes. The image of Matt showing up in an ill-fitting rented tuxedo made me cringe. I envisioned some horrible prom look with lines at the bottom of the pant legs indicating where the hem had been for previous renters. Irrational and vain as it was, I wanted Matt looking his best when I introduced him to Reese.
After I thought about it, it didn’t seem like such a bad idea. Matt may not be quite as handsome as Reese, but he was undeniably a bright and attractive man. It might be good for everyone at work to see my husband wasn’t second rate. Maybe the gossip would stop.
“Matt, I know for a fact everyone will be wearing designer clothes. I’ll buy you a tux.”
“That’s ridiculous for one night.”
“It’s not ridiculous. Maybe you’ll be inspired to take me somewhere if you have the clothes,” I teased. He looked at me with exasperated eyes, and I countered with my biggest puppy dog eyes. “Honey, please ….” He shook his head in defeat. I smiled and pecked him on the cheek. “I’ll take you to Saks’ Men Store tomorrow and we’ll get you a tuxedo and then you can help me pick out a dress.”
“I hate shopping.”
“Fine, we’ll get your tux and then you can take a cable car to the Wharf while I find a dress. We can go to Max’s for lunch.”
“Let’s bring the boys. The ice skating rink should be set up on Union Square.”
Lord, he was exasperating sometimes. Shopping with the boys for Matt’s black tie attire was not my idea of a good time. He had compromised, so I did too. “Okay.”
I’d hoped Matt and I would grow closer over the course of the week, but we didn’t. The drama of the past weeks had exhausted Matt’s quiet soul. We slipped back into old habits and were much as we had been just before I met Reese. Matt didn’t ignore me. The tension had subsided, but the passion that had flared a few weeks ago had already petered out. It worried me.
Spending time with the boys reinforced why I had to stick with my decision. If Matt and I had split, I wouldn’t have had this amount of time with them. All week it was, “Mom, are you coming?” I always went. It was a good policy. I was afraid of being by myself. I was afraid of loneliness overcoming my reason and succumbing to my desire to call Reese. More than anything else being with the boys was the most therapeutic.
