Primal Power 1, page 8
He smiled before he spoke, "You are exactly where you are supposed to be at this moment in time."
Time..., I had thought about time when I first arrived. The woman holding the orbiting world, she mentioned time, 'it is the continuance of time and power of persisting'.
"Is this world just a continuance of time? If so, will I ever be able go back to yesterday's world, the one I left behind?"
"I cannot answer that," he said apologetically.
"Why not? Is it because it depends on the choices I make, or am I in a coma and you do not know whether I am going to wake up or not? Or is it because I am dead and my yesterday's world, as I know it, no longer exists, at least not with me in it?"
At that moment there were so many emotions that I wasn't sure if I could describe my feelings. There was hope he would give me some peace of mind, but he simply looked at me, and then in the same apologetic tone he merely stated, "Death is just a continuance of time."
"What does that mean?" I asked as tears pooled in my eyes.
He looked sad. Was he sad for me, because I was dead? Or was he sad because I did not understand. My emotions rose at the thought of not seeing my loved ones again. I was becoming overwhelmed. All I wanted to do was hug them; hug everyone who was special to me. All I wanted was for them know how special they were. Had I done that before I left my yesterday's world?
My head started to swim, my fingers started to slowly move my hair off my face, and Raziel, well, he just stared at the lake with his hand on his chin and looked sad. Sad, like he wanted to say something but didn't know what. So, I stood up, walked past him and down the stairs, across the field, and sat down. My hand went to my mouth, tears filled in the whites of my eyes, thoughts no longer made sense and I started to sob.
After the sobbing finally stopped, my throat felt tight, my eyes hurt, my nose hurt, and my head ached with exhaustion. I looked back at the cabin and asked myself, had he built this cabin for me to live here? So, I could feel safe and protected with a feeling like I was in the world that I knew?
It was not far from the village of little people whom I loved so much; far enough away though, that maybe I wouldn't do any harm or cause mistrust. I still felt guilty. Was that what he meant when he told me I was exactly where I was supposed to be at this moment in time? My throat was still tight when I swallowed, but I felt like the tears had emptied my well and my mind no longer wanted to think, at least not at this moment.
Standing, I saw Raziel was still sitting on the veranda. I walked back to the cabin. I did not look up as I ascended the stairs and opened the wooden screen door. Then I stopped, still holding the door and without really looking at him, I asked, "Will you still be here when I wake up?"
"Yes," was all he said and I went to bed.
Chapter 12 - Differentiate
Laying there upon the bed I began going over Raziel's and my conversation. I thought about what I had said and how he answered my questions. Had he built this cabin for me to stay? No, this was probably just simply his cabin and he was merely too kind to tell me. How rude I was! Have I made a total fool of myself? Would these stupid insecurities ever go away?
If I was dead, how could I be making a fool out of myself? Would insecurities matter if I was dead? Was I really dead? Have I really died? My head hurts and who cares if I made a fool out of myself as my reaction was real, as real as it could be.
Tears gently fell upon my cheeks. Finally exhausted from my emotions, I slept. I dreamt that I was telling my family about my bird friends, the giant otters, the children and how they had formed a circle where they called forth an Empress. My dream faded leaving only a bright light and Thee Empress' voice saying, 'Remember when you see the butterflies, it is time to untie the string'. The light slowly left and my eyes popped open and above me was wood!
Glancing at my surroundings I realized I was in the cabin. I laid there for a few moments, thought about my dream, and Thee Empress's words. She had said she would find out why I was here. She did not say I was dead, and I had not seen the butterflies yet. So, I was supposed to continue on my journey and find her. Determination circled through my brain; the kind of determination that tells myself to quit crying in my coffee. I was here for a reason, it was up to me to find joy, find my way to Thee Empress, pull myself together and get on with it.
This world was different than yesterday's. So far no one had made me feel bad for thinking what I think and feeling the way I feel. All they had done was surround me with protection.
Abruptly I jumped out of bed. I've wasted a whole day and I only had a couple of protected days and now, one was gone.
The cabin seemed quiet but Raziel had said he would still be here. I walked out of the bedroom and then I saw him walking across the room with two cups. The aroma hit my senses like no other I had smelled in this world; it was the smell of fresh coffee. He was really going out of his way to make me feel at home.
"Mmm, is that coffee? It smells really good, however I have already wasted a day and I must be going," I said, almost ready to thank him for his hospitality.
Raziel looked a little puzzled, "The sun has not set on your first day."
It was my turn to be puzzled, as he was right, I had not seen the sunset, I had only assumed. "My sleep was only a midday nap?" I questioned.
He was silent for a moment before he answered and, "Yes," was all he said.
"Still, I have wasted time and I must get back on the path for I only have a couple of days of protection and I must make the most of it."
He thought for a moment and said, "The time taken has only been the time taken to walk into a bright light."
"What do you mean? Are you saying time stood still for you and me to visit?"
"Yes," he said, holding out his arm for me to take my coffee.
The phrase, 'time stood still' had been used in my yesterday's world, but I really hadn't thought about it actually happening.
With my feet curled up under me and with my elbow on the arm of the sofa, I sipped my coffee while Raziel looked at me with compassion in his eyes. It felt as if he was inviting me to talk and to be myself.
"I have assumed so much, Raziel," I confessed, "just like I assumed the sun had already set and a whole day had gone. I also assumed you made this cabin just for me. I'm so sorry. I am just... confused."
"It has been created for you to feel at home and relaxed. I am confused for you do not seem to feel at home or relaxed."
"Oh my, I have not shown my appreciation. You've been so thoughtful and kind. I cannot thank you enough. It's just... just that I don't know where I'm going and everything is so different here," I sighed before I continued, "I feel guilty, like I might have done something wrong and brought my baggage from my yesterday's world into this beautiful place."
"Go on," he said, encouraging me to talk.
So, I told him about my journey into Ol' Man Gar's Cave, about Zelka, and about how I could have left a seed of mistrust in the community. Kindness and love was all I wanted to give. The possibility that I could have left any negative thoughts or energy was causing me great distress.
"Did you tell the truth?"
"Yes," I answered, feeling like the role had reversed.
"Did you embellish or exaggerate?"
"No,"
"Did you spread gossip or try to reiterate another person's conversation?"
"No,"
"Did you come from a place of kindness and concern for your friend's well-being?"
"Yes,"
"Did you linger and meddle in affairs that did not concern you?"
"No."
"Why then, do you let it burn upon your mind? You are a wanderer in a strange land. It is important that your mind is clear. It is important that you remain non-assuming."
"Yeah," I said, hanging my head in shame, "and I must stay true to myself and be appreciative and cautious."
"Yes," he answered with a bit of a smile. "Associate only with good people and do not linger in one place too long."
"Yes," I said, still looking a little shameful, "because then I could become too concerned with things that aren't mine to be concerned with. I'm naturally a friendly person. I tried to stay a bit reserved when Rainbow Dancer was healing, for I didn't want to give away too much about who I am and where I came from." I brought my foot to the edge of the sofa, set my almost finished cup of coffee on the top of my knee, and continued, "Do you know what I don't understand?"
Raziel tilted his head and gave a nod, so I kept talking, "I do not understand for Thee Empress gave me Rainbow Dancer as a guide and right away, we ran into trouble when we went into a cave," I said. "A cave that could have swallowed us up, never to return, or at least not come out of it alive. Alive, whatever that means," I said expressing my frustration with my hand in the air.
My knee lowered and holding my coffee cup on my thigh, I brought my other hand to the top of my head and let it slide to the back of my neck. Then turning my head away from Raziel, I rested it on my chin. I stayed there a moment before turning towards him and with my head still resting against my hand, I looked into his amused expression.
Then I spoke in a shameful sarcastic tone, "So much for me being friendly but reserved. Is there more coffee?" I asked as I headed to the kitchen.
My eyes took in the counters, the stove, and I swear I didn't see anything.
"Coffee's on," I heard him say. Then right where I had been looking was a full pot of coffee. Shaking my head slightly, I picked up the pot and when I turned back, the hairs in Raziel's beard looked like they were returning from a smile and his eyes were twinkling.
"I'm alive in this world, correct?" I said, pouring him coffee.
"Yes."
"And in this world, I need to stay safe and protected, so I can find my way to Thee Empress?"
My back was turned as I was putting the coffee pot down and Raziel still had not answered. I turned and looked at him, "Correct?"
He lowered his head, raised it again in a way that it made me wonder if there was more than one answer to my question.
"So, if Rainbow Dancer is supposed to be my guide, why then did he take me into Ol' Man Gar's Cave? And why were we able to get out?"
"You had an experience," he said, "what did you learn?"
Still standing with my fresh cup of coffee I just... well, I just looked at him until he finally broke the silence and asked if we could sit outside. He stood and I followed him out onto the veranda. The sky was white with the yellow hue of the sun or was it of the bright yellow ball? I was not sure. We sat down and with both hands, I held my coffee cup close to my mouth, and stared at the lake.
"Maybe Rainbow Dancer is my travelling companion rather than my guide," I said out loud. "So, I need to trust myself, my instincts, and not depend on others to know what is right for me. The cave was full of such negative energy and if I had communicated my feelings from the beginning, we might not have even gone in. Also, I might have gone for dinner when I met the woman, Zelka, as she seemed nice. Nice, like so many of the manipulative people in yesterday's world; nice when it serves them, but not so nice when it doesn't. It would not have been a good idea to go with Zelka. Once you've been conned by people like her, especially when it began when you were young, it is hard to get away. If we followed her, we might not have had the strength to get out of that cave. So, just because people seem nice, does not mean they are, and when they invite you into their space it doesn't mean that they don't have ulterior motives, but then, how do you trust?"
Raziel responded by asking, "Children are often called shy in what you call your yesterday's world, is that right?"
"Yes?" I said, with curiosity.
"Or are they following their instincts? Being reserved until they feel safe?"
My mind tried to follow him by saying, "So, right from the beginning, our instincts are labelled and quite often encouraged to be ignored. Is that what you're saying? Because, first my instincts told me not to enter, but we did. Then the woman seemed so nice, but my instincts had told me to leave; similar to when a mother tells her children to ignore their instincts by saying, 'be nice to the lady' and I listened."
"No," he said.
"No. I don't have it right?"
"No, you didn't listen."
"You are right. I did not listen to myself, my instincts, but I cannot live with mistrust all the time. I need to trust or I will never get to Thee Empress, because I have to depend on other people's kindness along the way. It's more than that, it's deeper than that, for I am trustworthy, at least I try to be, and I don't want to be full of mistrust."
"Uphold your individuality or as you said it, be true to yourself," he said in his baritone voice.
Then he took his hands and put them together as if he was praying. He put his fingers next to his mouth and he held them there.
There was a time of silence and then he lowered his hands and spoke in a gentle tone, "Pay attention to how you feel when you are in a place that houses goodness...," he turned his head towards me before he said his last word; it was as if the word needed to stand on its own, "...differentiate."
"What if I end up in a place that doesn't house goodness?"
This time he did not answer; instead he stared into the sky. We watched as the colour in the sky shifted. It went slightly brighter, slightly yellower, and then faded. Again, the colour changed and it was slightly whiter than it was before.
Raziel stood and bowed to me. "That is all. We must get ready. Soon, this moment in time will no longer stand still."
"Do I have time for a quick shower?"
"Yes, a quick one. There's an indigo robe in there for you to put on," he said as if he already knew what I was going to ask.
Dressed in my indigo robe I joined Raziel, Rainbow Dancer, and Yuma on the lawn. The sky still had a slight yellow hue within its whiteness. We started to walk away. Raziel stopped, turned around, and waved his arm as if he was dismissing someone. He dismissed the cabin!?! It was gone!
Then he angled his arm down and with his palm facing the ground, he raised it slowly. Then moving only his forearm, and with his hand rippling with an ever-so-slight wave, I watched as sprouts broke through the soil. Soon green blades of grass multiplied and bright colourful flowers covered the naked area where the cabin had once stood.
We walked towards the massive lake. As we moved closer it became smaller and by the time we arrived it was merely a large pond. Rainbow Dancer and Yuma went for a swim whilst Raziel and I walked around the edge. We both turned towards the lake to wait for the otters to join us. It was the same scene Rainbow Dancer and I had first come upon, with the yellow sun looking like a water painting.
Raziel walked to the edge of the yellowness. He stretched out his arm, extended his hand and then he folded his fingers. The baby one was folded first and as each finger came in upon itself the yellowness became smaller as if it was funnelling into his hand. By the time he had brought all the light towards him he had formed a fist. A fist I could hardly see as it was glowing so brightly. He brought his hand close to his chest and opened it. Had he put the brightness back into his heart?
He pulled a ribbon from his sleeve like Thee Empress had, and he laid it upon Yuma. Again, with a 3D printer effect, a howdah appeared upon the giant otter's back.
The wideness of my eyes had not settled when he looked over at me and spoke nonchalantly, "I have never travelled via otter before." He merely smiled and with a nod of his head he said, "Thought I'd give it try."
Raziel put a partial lid on his howdah. The reason I described it as a partial lid was because it seemed like a transparent bubble. He did the same for mine and then told me when water touched the howdah the lid would close but there would always be air inside.
If I wanted to reset it, I needed to put my hands flat against the center with my index fingers and thumbs touching until I could feel an energy. Once I felt an energy, I was to open my hands until my middle fingers touched the rails on either side. If I needed it to close without being triggered by water, I was to start at the rails and do the opposite.
Chapter 13 - Illusions
Mounted on our otters, Raziel and I headed into the sunset. As the darkness approached two lanterns appeared with black exes on each of the four sides. They hung on the upper rail of the howdah shining their light upon our path.
"Raziel," I said in the lantern-lit night, "Are you going to be travelling with me for awhile?"
"No," he said.
"Will you be travelling with me tomorrow?"
"No."
Swallowing was a wee bit hard as the thought of being alone frightened me. I was in a world where I had no idea what to expect. If he stayed with me, I would know which direction to take and I would be protected.
Oh my, I was being selfish as this man probably had more important things to do. I should feel honoured and thankful for every moment I had been graced with his presence. He had said it was my journey, not his, and that made sense. He didn't stay in the village either and I remember them saying that their time spent with Raziel was about growth and prosperity.
"Are you going back to the village?" I asked.
"Yes."
His answers were very frustrating. It was hard to initiate a conversation but I continued, and I tried not to show any of that annoyance in my voice.
"You are needed there aren't you?"
"Yes."
"Will they be okay?"
"I cannot answer that."
"Will you check on Ooza for me?"
This time I did not get a yes, instead he gave a question or perhaps it was a statement, I was not sure.
"You are quite fond of him."
"Yes, and I'm also quite worried about him."
Silence travelled in our howdahs, at least for a time. I was coming to the conclusion that my last statement, unless I asked another question, was the end of our conversation. Then out of the darkness came Raziel's voice which caused me to look over at his silhouetted face.
