Lexi's Choice, page 2
All my love, Toby.”
“Well, I’ll be.” Molly handed me the letter. “So what are you going to do?”
I flopped back on the couch. “I don’t know. I want to tell him to rot in hell.” Rolling my head toward her, I sighed. “But you know I can’t.”
“But for him to live with you? What about Nate?” Molly reached for a cookie. “How about some coffee with these cookies?”
“Coming right up.” I stood and gathered our glasses and empty sausage ball platter. “I’ll keep seeing Nate. Might be good for Toby to see I’ve moved on. At least someone finds me desirable.”
I slogged to the kitchen, and Molly Kate called, “Where will you put him?”
That thought hadn’t crossed my mind yet. I put a pod in my handy-dandy single cup maker and soon the aroma of coffee filled the kitchen. I wish coffee tasted as good as it smelled while brewing. Returning to the living room, I handed MK a mug. “I have two guest rooms upstairs.”
“Thanks.” Molly took a sip then arched an eyebrow and peered at me with her cat-green eyes. “But when he gets to where he can’t climb stairs, then what?”
“You think I ought to give him my room?” Agitated, I took a gulp of coffee, burning my tongue and all the way down my throat. I sucked in air. “Ow. Darn it!”
“No, but you do have the den off the kitchen and a half-bath.
“But my fireplace…”
“You mean the one you never use?”
I grabbed a cookie and shoved half of it in my mouth. So, so, good. “Well, if you put it that way, I guess the den would work. But he’d have to use my shower when he’s in no condition to climb the stairs. I don’t know how I feel about that.”
“You’d just have to work out a schedule.” An evil grin spread on MK’s face. “And when Nate uses it…”
I slapped at her arm. “Oh, stop it.”
“Okay, but seriously, I’ll bet Felix can add a small shower in the den’s bathroom.”
“Yeah, he probably could.”
I nibbled on another cookie as the looming reality of how my whole life was about to be turned upside down shrouded me. Toby wouldn’t be the only prisoner in my home. I would be too.
“So what should I do, Molly Kate?”
“Well, if it were me, I’d tell him to kiss the south end of a north-bound mule. And then I’d let him stay.”
“Really?”
“For heaven’s sakes. The man is dying.” She patted my shoulder. “Now go and write that letter telling him to kiss your ass. Then tell him he can stay.”
“I’ll think on it. More coffee?”
“No girl, I gotta get back to Stan-My-Man.”
“Okay.” Standing, I held my arms out to her. “Thanks for coming over.”
MK gave me one of her famous bear hugs. “Love you.”
“Love you back.”
When she left, I wandered around the room, still too upset to settle anywhere. I had hoped this heart-to-heart with my friend would help. It sorta did, but not really. Sure, it would feel good telling Toby what he could do with his sorry self, but that darned angel on my shoulder kept telling me to do the right thing.
I decided to visit Miss Cladie the next morning, even though I knew, without a doubt, what she would say. For now, I just wanted a hot bath and bed.
****
Sometime just before dawn a rumble of thunder broke through my thin facade of sleep. I checked the clock for the fourth time. Five-thirty. My body felt like it had been massaged with horse hooves. What an awful night. I dreamed that Toby and I had a baby girl. She had red hair like mine, blue eyes like his. I named her Anna. Even in my dream, I could feel my intense love for her.
Then, in a split second, Toby grabbed her from my arms and thrust her toward his teenaged lover, declaring, “You aren’t Anna’s mother.” He snaked his arm around the girl. “She is.”
His lover smirked while clutching Anna, who cried as she reached her little hands for me. I woke, sobbing for my child. The child I never had. Needless to say, after that, sleep never came.
Giving up, I shoved the quilt back and sat up. There was no sense in trying to sleep. A flash of light pierced through my slatted window shade and a thunderous crack quickly followed. Looked like we were in for quite a storm. I slipped out of bed and hurried to the kitchen to make coffee just in case the power went out. A night of tossing and turning needed to be followed with coffee—lots of coffee.
I hugged my mug to my chest and opened the front door to breathe in the cool, moist, dawn. Thankfully, my porch was deep and covered, so I decided to sit on my swing and sort out all the emotions tangled up in my mind. I always thought better outside. For a long time, I swayed back and forth while remembering my dream. Tears gathered and slid down my cheeks. Why? Why am I in this position where I really have no moral choice but to let him back in my life? Up until now things were good. I liked my job and my work with Sid. Nate was a real plus, I mean, who would have thought I’d be dating a news god? My friends were my rock, my anchor. Then like a blemish on the end of my nose, Toby pops up. Ugly and unwanted.
The storm passed and a cardinal ventured out in the blue-gray light and trilled his song. I tossed my cold coffee over the porch rail, stood, and stretched before walking to the sidewalk to see if Miss Cladie’s light was on. It was. Even though I knew what she would say, I needed her motherly assurance—and her hot biscuits.
The aroma of coffee met me at Miss Cladie’s kitchen door. For most, it would be way too early for a visit. But not for Miss Cladie. That blessed soul’s door was always open.
I rapped lightly, opened the door, and called, “Knock, knock?”
Miss Cladie turned from taking the biscuits out of the oven.
“Honey, get yourself in here.”
I took my seat at her little drop-leaf table that stood against the wall that was decorated with at least a dozen smiling plaster of Paris fruits and vegetables. These smiling bananas and laughing tomatoes had hung there for as long as I could remember.
After setting the pan on the counter, she wiped her hands on her apron and walked over with outstretched arms. “What brings you here so early?”
“Miss Cladie, I need some advice. Like right now.” I brought out the crumpled letter and pressed it into her hand. “Read this.”
“I will, but first, sit down and have a bite to eat.”
She’d get no argument from me. In no time I was enjoying a biscuit slathered in butter and fig preserves, as well as a slice of fried ham, and coffee.
Coffee mug in hand, Miss Cladie joined me at the table, took out her glasses, and began to read. After she read down a few lines, her hand went to her chest. “Mercy Lord.” She continued without looking up, alternately shaking her head, and blessing his heart.
Bless his heart indeed. I scarfed down the rest of my biscuit and buttered another.
When she finally looked up, I said, “Well?”
“God love him, that is the most pitiful situation I’ve heard of in a long time.”
“Pitiful? He made that bed and now he’s lying in it.”
Miss Cladie reached out and patted my hand. “Don’t we all?”
I knew it. Here it came…the truth I didn’t want to hear. “So, what do I do?”
“I think you already know that.”
“I knew that’s what you’d say.” Her Swiss chalet coo-coo clock ticked the seconds while I tried to stop the words demanding release, but I couldn’t and blurted out, “I don’t want him there. And God help me, but I hate him. I don’t need to be reminded of my humiliation and his rejection every blessed day. Besides, I have a life now. I have Nate and I don’t want Toby disrupting my life.”
Miss Cladie held up her hand. “I understand. But it is always better to choose on the side of compassion. Think about it, Nate isn’t here that often, now is he? And I’m sure he would understand your situation. So just for a moment, let’s say that you did let him move in with you. Where would you put him?”
I slapped the table. “That’s another thing. My guest rooms are upstairs. There will be a time when he can’t climb the stairs and I’m sure as heck not moving out of my room.”
Miss Cladie didn’t say a word. She knew the power of silence. Her conversation pauses were so powerful they left me babbling like a fool.
“Molly did mention the den off the kitchen and said Felix could install a small shower…but…”
“That’s a good idea.”
“But my fireplace?”
“You mean the one you never use?” Darned it, that’s what Molly had said.
“Maybe,” Miss Cladie reached across the table to pat my hand, “the good Lord wants him in your face to help you get free of him.”
“Free?” What was she saying? I was free of him when he was locked up and out of my life.
“Honey, you have chained yourself to your pain. Think about it. After all these years and you still suffer. Think of how we always move in the direction of our focus. Yours is Toby’s betrayal and all you lost while trying to be the perfect wife. You are letting your past interfere with your present.”
I looked up from my cup and studied her face. “How do you figure that?”
“Sugar, I’ve known you all your life. Since Toby’s betrayal I’ve watched you change. Under all that sarcasm is a hurt and angry woman. You are so full of fear and mistrust that you cannot even commit to anyone else no matter how much you like him.”
“That’s not true.”
But it was.
“Lexi, honey, you are going to have to forgive him.”
“I try, Miss Cladie, I do. But about the time I think I have, something reminds me of him and I get so angry all over again.” I blew out a breath. “Doesn’t it say somewhere in the Bible that we have to forgive and forget? Well, I can’t forgive because I can’t forget.”
Miss Cladie shook her head. “Baby, it doesn’t say that at all. You can forgive without forgetting.” She laid her hand on my arm. “Besides, God created our minds to always remember.” A sly smile spread between her wrinkled cheeks. “That is, at least until you get around eighty. You have a few years yet.”
Sighing, I stood, walked to the sink, and placed my cup on the counter beside it. I stared at the little China cat with tiny kittens on Miss Cladie’s windowsill. “I wish I could forget.”
“So, the question remains, and I think you know the answer. Are you going to let him move back in?”
Everything in me screamed, “NO! NOT FAIR!”
But I heard myself say, “Probably so.”
Chapter Three
Forget fences. Rules make better neighbors.
On the three-hour drive, in the sultry heat of July, I second guessed my decision all the way to the Mississippi Department of Corrections. I still hadn’t summoned the courage to let Nathan know what I was doing. What would he say? With him there was no telling. But no matter. Here I am, waiting for Toby to walk through the door—a prisoner in my custody.
How ironic. One of our wedding pictures was of me holding a key to the fuzzy handcuffs he wore behind his back. If it wasn’t so pitiful, I might even chuckle.
The authorities briefed me on the conditions of his house-arrest. He had to wear an ankle monitor. Fortunately, the judge was lenient about approved activities. In other words, I hadn’t been reduced to a babysitter. His curfew began at 9 p.m. and ended at 7 a.m. the next morning. I could see a lot of evenings at Molly Kate’s in my future.
I waited for what seemed like forever. Finally, the door to the lobby opened and Toby walked through. I hadn’t seen him in six years, so really, I had no idea what to expect, but what I saw was, well, let’s just say even my imagination could never have envisioned the way he looked. My former potbellied, six-foot-one ex, had to have lost forty pounds. His skin was loose and sallow. His horseshoe of sandy-blond hair had grown thinner. The only part of him I recognized were his bright blue eyes. They still pierced. I started to speak, but there were no words. A rarity. The Sahara Dessert couldn’t have been as dry as my mouth.
Finally, he spoke. “Hi, Lex.”
“Hi.”
Anger, resentment, regret, hate, all clamored for control, but from somewhere deep in my soul the tiniest spark of affection still demanded to be recognized.
“Are you ready?” Stupid question, but I really didn’t know what to say.
“Yes.”
He literally had only what was on his back and one small bag. I guessed it contained toiletry items and a change of clothes. I hoped so, because what I hadn’t thrown out the door when I kicked him out had gone to Goodwill. I sighed. He’d have to go clothes shopping, and I’d probably be the one buying them.
Darned his sorry hide.
An emotional stew bubbled inside of me. Love, hate, pity, hard-heartedness, the desire to forgive, the inability to forget. Until now, I thought I was a good person, but now I wasn’t so sure.
When we got in the car, Toby slumped in the passenger seat and stared at his shoes like a guilty teenager about to be grounded. The proverbial elephant sat firmly ensconced between us and practically sucked the air out of the car. I had no words. My brain hurt from the effort of trying to think of something—anything—to break the weight of silence.
To my relief, he broke the ice. “Feels weird, doesn’t it?”
Weird? Tears stung my eyes. I couldn’t believe it still hurt so bad. But he would not see me cry. Never again. I didn’t say anything. Instead, I stared ahead and willed my eyes to dry.
“Lex, I don’t want to die with you still hating me. What will it take for you to forgive me?”
What would it take? I honestly didn’t know. He paid a debt. Now he was dying. Wasn’t that enough?
No.
I wanted back the years I had wasted loving him. I wanted children—a happy family instead of the social-climbing partnership that we had created. Deep regret forced the tears I had fought back to stream down my cheeks.
“Talk to me.” He put his hand on my shoulder. “Scream at me if it helps.”
“What are you doing?” I jerked away so hard the car swerved. “Don’t ever touch me again.”
He hadn’t touched me since the night he told me about his affair. Memories of love pats conflicted with my imagination of his stroking her skin. My chest throbbed as if I were at the bottom of Moonlight Lake desperate for air. No. There would be no touching. That ship had sailed.
We approached the Moonlight National Forest. On a whim, I whipped the car in the entrance and parked at a picnic table well away from anyone who might overhear me should I start screaming like a banshee.
“Get out.”
His face went blank. “What?”
“I said get out. We are going to shoot this elephant between us before we walk into my house, cause I can’t live with it every blessed day of my life.”
He held his hands up. “All right, all right.”
We sat on top of a concrete picnic table. I stayed silent while gathering my thoughts. He hung his head and stared at his clamped hands.
Where to begin? I mean, what was there to say that hadn’t been said well over a hundred times already since the day I’d first been told about his adultery with a minor. What could I say about his making a baby with a baby?
I studied his face, now drawn and so old looking. He had paid the price for his decision. But I had too, hadn’t I? It wasn’t fair. I was the faithful one after all.
Miss Cladie said to forgive, but how? I couldn’t. All I knew to do was push it down—way down—far away from my mind.
I cleared my throat. “Toby, I honestly don’t know if I can ever forgive and forget.”
He studied the ground and nodded his head.
The struggle to go against my bitterness and do what was right was unbearable. I couldn’t look at him when I said, “But I’ll try.”
“Thanks, Lex. I know I don’t deserve it. If I could change things I would.” He sighed and looked up into the sky, staring at the clouds. “Sitting in that prison I often imagined being able to go back in time and talk to the man I was, to warn him that he was about to lose everything. The love of his life, his home, freedom, career, all respect.
He turned to me. “Hell, I can’t even live within a mile of a school because I’m a registered sex offender.”
“I’m well aware of that. It just so happens that a single father, AJ, and his daughter, Junie, have moved into Jema’s house. I had to tell AJ about you.”
“Oh god. I’m so damned sorry.”
The sun bore down, breaking through the cool spring day. I shifted to the shade of newly furled maple leaves. “Look, we are just going to have to figure out how to live together. I don’t know if I can ever be your friend, but this I promise you. I’ll try and make your life comfortable. But there are rules you’ll have to follow.”
“Fair.”
“I am in a relationship with Nathan Wolfe.” His eyebrows rose. Before he could ask, I said, “Yes. The Nathan Wolfe, national news field correspondent. Maybe someday I’ll tell you how all that came about. But for now, I do not want you to have any—any—contact with him, nor do I want any advice about my relationship with him. He doesn’t make it to Moonlight often, but when he does, make yourself scarce. I’m turning the den into your space and having Felix put in a shower. So, you’ll have plenty of room and we’ll both have privacy. You can have the patio in the backyard, and I will use the front porch.”
“Thanks, Lex. I really appreciate this. Truly. It’s more than I deserve.”
Why did he have to be so humble? It made it harder to hate him, so I conjured up my hurt just long enough to harden my heart and enjoy his misery.
Funny thing was? It didn’t make my pain ease up one little bit.
****
Toby stared at his feet while Lexi reminded him of what a loser—a jerk—an absolute ass—he had been. Sad thing was, she was right on all counts. Honestly? If he’d had another choice, she would have been the last person he’d have called because he knew this would cause her pain. But he had no one. Crawling back to her on his hands and knees was another blow to his nearly non-existent pride.
