Sparkling Fear, page 1
Sparkling Fear
THE EASTBURGH DEVILS SERIES
Book 2
Lilly Sophia
Contents
Content Warning
Playlist
Quote
Prologue
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Chapter 25
Chapter 26
Chapter 27
Chapter 28
Chapter 29
Chapter 30
Chapter 31
Chapter 32
Chapter 33
Chapter 34
Chapter 35
Chapter 36
Chapter 37
Chapter 38
Chapter 39
Chapter 40
Chapter 41
Chapter 42
Chapter 43
Chapter 44
Chapter 45
Chapter 46
Chapter 47
Chapter 48
Chapter 49
Chapter 50
Chapter 51
Chapter 52
Chapter 53
Chapter 54
Chapter 55
Chapter 56
Chapter 57
Chapter 58
Chapter 59
Epilogue
Note from the author
Playlist Leni
Acknowledgments
About the Author
Copyright © 2024 by Lilly Sophia
All rights reserved.
Paperback Edition
No Part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photography, recording, or any information storage and retrieval system without the prior written consent from the author, except in the instance of quotes for reviews. No Part of this book may be uploaded without the permission of the publisher and author, nor be otherwise circulated in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is originally published.
This is a work of fiction and any resemblance to persons, living or dead, or places, actual events or locales is purely coincidental. The characters and names are products of the author's imagination and used fictitiously.
ISBN: 9798879926033
Content Warning
Depression
Loss and grief
Panic attacks
Signs of eating disorder
Mention of drugs and alcohol
Playlist
Charles and Leni
Everything Is Lost - Maggie Eckford
Perfect - One Direction
Wishes - Carter Ryan
Fall into You - Daniel Seavey
the grudge - Olivia Rodrigo
Fearless (Taylor’s Version) - Taylor Swift
Missing You - The Vamps
you were there for me - Henry Moodie
this is how you fall in love - Jeremy Zucker, Chelsea Cutler
Medicine - James Arthur
Style (Taylor’s Version) - Taylor Swift
Say Yes To Heaven - Lana Del Rey
Labyrinth - Taylor Swift
Upside of Down - SVRCINA
Six Feet Under - Billie Eilish
All We Have Is Love - Sabrina Carpenter
Lose Myself - GUNNAR
Teach Me How To Love - Shawn Mendes
This Love (Taylor’s Version) Taylor Swift
The Night We Met - Lord Huron
Us - James Bay
Home - Good Neighbours
invisible string - Taylor Swift
This book is for everyone who is afraid of falling in love.
Don't be. You'll be caught by the right person.
This book is proof.
Quote
But Leni was the first person I cared about in a long time, and I would move mountains, travel to the ends of the world, and count every single star in the galaxy if that's what it took to get a second chance.
— Charles Whitfield
Prologue
Leni
Queens, New York, September.
"It was all a big mistake," he said, without looking at me. So that was the moment. The moment we would become strangers again, and I still didn't know if it was love.
That feeling that described the deep connection between two people? Was that what we had true love? I mean love is the strongest feeling in this world. I wanted to feel that constant tingling in my stomach when my thoughts wandered to this one particular person. That tingle that turns into thousands of butterflies when you look into each other's eyes after finding that person in a room full of people. This love that is so unconditional that you think it's infinite, and you can feel it in every fiber and muscle in your body.
At that moment, as I stood here watching Charles remove his few clothes from my closet, the tingly, warm feeling disappeared from my chest.
When I fall in love, it's way too quick and far too intense.
I thought I had longed for love far too much and let myself fall for anyone that made me feel good and safe. I couldn't even trust my heart, let alone my gut feeling, and it felt like shit. I wasn't afraid of falling in love, but I was terrified of being the only one to fall. That's exactly what happened, and what I could have protected myself from, if I hadn't been so naive.
He continued to walk around my messy room, putting the last sweater into a small bag. With him, I felt like I was getting to know myself and learning who I was because when could I be me when my mother tried everything to stop me from being myself?
With him, I was able to escape my structured daily routine and the demons created by my mother. Even if it was only for a few hours, Charles made those hours feel endless.
"Can you at least explain to me why you're acting like an asshole right now?"
He stopped walking. His eyes were fixed on the bag. "There's nothing to explain, Leni."
"Are you kidding me? You want to tell me there's nothing to explain here? First you ignore my calls, and suddenly you appear here out of nowhere and pack your stuff?" I pressed my lips together to suppress a sigh. I watched every move he made. My eyes were glued to his body as he put another shirt into the bag.
No answer… okay, then.
I wasn't even worth a fucking glance.
I tried to understand from his stiff posture what was going on in his head and why he was acting like this. I was sure I could put red lipstick all over my face and he wouldn't notice. Maybe no answer was better because he would have broken my heart either way.
He looked like he was wearing headphones and listening at full volume to a song by his favorite band.
"And what we had—"
Charles stopped abruptly as he made his way to the window to exit the apartment block through the fire escape.
His gaze was fixed on the floor again. What a surprise.
"What we had? Stop fantasizing so much. We both knew this wouldn't last long." He interrupted me.
My jaw began to tremble, and the first tears rolled down my cheeks as he uttered the last words. If I had known six weeks ago that we would be in this situation, I would have used the napkin with his phone number as a coaster for my cup.
And yet, I was naive enough to think it could have turned into something serious. I texted him that day, and it was the first time in a long time that I didn't eat salad and beans for dinner, but chocolate muffins until I felt sick.
I took a small step toward him, but didn't dare to get any closer.
"Don't say that, Charles. That's not fair."
It was clear that we couldn't stay in this bubble forever. He had his life in another city, and I had mine here, but I would have loved to leave everything behind to escape this city.
Away from New York, away from training six times a week, away from my mother nagging me about how bad my posture has been.
Simply gone.
I wanted to be my own person. With my own dreams and my own decisions. No longer the dream of being my mother's ballerina, which she tried to live out in me. I grew up with ballet. There was no time before ballet. My mother's family had a ballerina in every generation, and after her career came to an end due to an accident, she lived out this dream in me.
Sometimes I thought that with my mother's accident, not only had her dream of being a ballerina been shattered, but also my dedication and passion for ballet. She only focused on me. This sport was not part of my life; it was my life. At the dinner table, she would talk about my poor performance and compare it to the students she was also teaching.
I missed my dad.
I missed it when I was lying in bed at night and heard the front door open because he had finally returned from his flight. Sometimes I just lay in bed and remember these moments because I was scared that I would forget them. With his death, I felt I entered my own personal hell. If I hadn't found a letter from the bank among my mom's papers saying that on my nineteenth birthday, I would receive access to the trust fund Dad had opened for me, I wouldn't know about it today.
And now? I didn't know either.
"The only thing I want is for you to get out of my life. I have no room for you or my feelings for you. It's better for you. Trust me." He said hesitantly.
I stopped him from climbing out of the window and reached for his arm. "Look at me and repeat exactly what you just said. You owe me that one look, Charles." I hissed between my teeth and waited for his dark blue eyes to meet mine.
He looked up. For the very first time that evening, he looked me in the eyes. The blue in his eyes seemed even darker than usual.
"I can't do this."
"You don't have a choice," I shook my head. "If you're going to break my heart, look at me while you do it. I want to hear it."
Charles bit his lower lip nervously and ran both hands through his hair. He took a deep breath, and, as if on cue, all emotion disappeared from his far too perfect face. "That's it for us. Those six weeks meant nothing, you and I would have no future anyway. I have my life in East… uh… Michigan, and you here in Queens."
"Fuck off, Charles!"
He grabbed his bag, climbed out the window, and left the building. A certain part of me wanted to run after him, but I knew it was hopeless. In the end, you can't force people to choose you. No matter how much we want to.
Chapter One
Charles
Eastburgh, New Jersey. January.
I hated my life, so I really needed to have sex today to make this day, like every other day, a little more bearable. My emotions felt like I was on a rollercoaster, or having my emotions on shuffle, not knowing if a song of joy, sadness or anger would play next.
Sex solved all my existing problems, even if only for a short period of time. To make my life a little more pleasant, I needed a sign from up there to extend my visit to Bill's bar because my search for a Puck Bunny had so far been unsuccessful. Maybe there was some kind of sex god up there among all the other gods who took some pity on me and my shitty life.
My Charles Charm has always worked so far. I mean, the C in my name stood for charm. It was only a matter of time before I got what I wanted. I had put an end to love, and the feelings associated with it, when I came back from New York. The girl and my feelings for her remained in New York, and that was a good thing.
She was and will never be a mistake. She'll always be one of the best things in my life. But I don't know if everything would've worked out. I wouldn't have been able to give her the love she deserved.
But it was good the way it was now.
I hadn't heard from her since September, and I wanted to keep it that way.
I raised my beer bottle in Bill's direction, indicating that he should bring me another one. Bill was Trevor's older brother and had bought an old, shabby pub here in Eastburgh a few years ago and opened his own bar.
Bill's Best Beer Bar. What a creative name.
As often as I've come here since Ethan's death, I should be a golden annual pass holder by now. I would fill up a 10-stamp card in less than a week. My tired eyes wandered over the people who seemed to be just as lost as me, hanging out in a bar at four in the morning in the middle of the week.
I looked at a girl sitting across from me. She had this dirty grin on her red lips, showing off her white teeth. Dark eyes slid over my body, and I could feel her scanning my whole body. Long black hair lay around the oval shape of her face. I've had a thing for blondes since I got back from New York, but she was attractive enough for a quickie in the bar bathroom.
Bill put the new beer down in front of me, and opened the bottle with a beer opener. "What do you say about a beer break?"
I ignored his extremely moronic question. "It's show time for my Charles charm. You can put all the girls' drinks on my tab."
Which I was finally able to do again after my dad unblocked my bank account because he thought I'd still be paying the rent for Ethan's room. I mean, the worry wasn't unwarranted because I would have done it. But I realized that I could buy alcohol with that money or, in this case, pay for the girl's drinks. I know nothing would bring him back, but the alcohol made everything easier somehow.
I got up from my seat, walked around the bar and approached her. Without saying anything, she took her little bag from the stool next to her, and I took a seat.
God, she had beautiful eyes, but not as beautiful as Leni's.
This unknown girl smelled like dirty sex. Filthy sex.
Because if you went to a bar alone, you were either going to get drunk because life sucked or to find a one-night stand.
"I need someone to hold my bag while I go to the bathroom."
I was supposed to wait here and look after her bag? Was I tired, or was that a bad pick-up line?
"Are you coming?" She asked in a harsh tone and slid off the stool, tugging her short skirt up properly.
That's what I wanted to hear.
Still a bad pick-up line.
She grabbed my hand and I followed her past the bar. At the last moment, I finished the bottle of beer and put the glass bottle down in front of Bill, who was drying glasses. "I'll pay later," I grinned.
As soon as we entered the bathroom, which was in need of renovation, I didn't hesitate. I lifted her onto the washstand and pressed my lips to hers. I felt her hand slide over my shoulder and down my neck as I kissed my way along her neck, gently nibbling at her thin skin.
I'd be lying if I said her perfume didn't smell too strong. It was like nasal spray that sometimes went down your throat. I kissed my way down her neck to her legs, which she spread a little. My hands slipped under her skirt, and a slight moan escaped her lips as I touched the inside of her thigh with my lips.
No panties.
Like I said, you come to the bar alone when you've had a rough day, or you're looking for someone to fuck.
Satisfied and overtired, I took the key out of my pocket as I entered the apartment building on campus. The sun was just beginning to rise and shone through the dense trees.
Hesitantly, I turned the key, and the front door opened with a click. Inwardly, I prayed that someone or something would give me a sign not to go into the apartment. A sudden storm, a lightning strike, or I would unlock the door and find myself standing in front of a concrete wall.
Last chance that someone could give me a sign.
Any sign. I just wanted to find a reason not to go to this apartment that Ethan and I used to call noisy neighbor mansion.
I know, a really bad name.
Ethan and I were drunk when we spent the first night in this apartment, and he wrote noisy neighbor mansion on the white wall in the hallway with a marker. The next day, we went to the hardware store because we needed wood for the roof terrace to build our own bar. We cut four thin pieces out of the remaining wood and framed these three words and a picture of us both drunk on the wall.
Sometimes I thought it would be better to take it down and paint over the words. But then I was left with even fewer memories of my best friend.
