After Happily Ever After, page 20
“Where’s your stuff?” Sam asks.
“In the car.” He follows me to my car and then takes me to a small room off the kitchen. I’ve been in the house a million times but have never been in this room. It’s small but warm. The bed is neatly made, with a faux-fur throw at the end. There’s a television and a bookcase filled with biographies of old actors. It’s so clean it’s as if it’s ready and waiting for me. I stand awkwardly holding my suitcase as Sam shows me the bathroom and where to find extra towels. He takes my suitcase from me and drops it on the bed.
“Stay as long as you want,” he says.
“Thanks.”
Ellen calls out to Sam from their bedroom, and he goes to her. I can hear whispered conversation. He comes back, bringing Ellen with him.
“Hi,” I say to Ellen. I try not to be mad at her—I know her loyalty is to Maggie—yet this is uncomfortable for both of us.
“Hi,” she says, as if it’s perfectly normal that I’m standing in her guest room with my suitcase.
“I hope it’s okay that Sam invited me to stay.” I feel like an intruder with the two people I’m the closest to other than my wife and kid.
“Of course,” Ellen says. A look passes between them. Ellen and I’ve always had a brother-sister relationship, and now we barely make eye contact. “I’ll get you another pillow,” she says and walks down the hall.
“We’re finally going to be roommates,” Sam says.
“Right. You, me, and your wife.”
“Don’t worry, she won’t get in the way.” He smiles.
“Are you sure Ellen’s okay with this?” I ask.
“She’s fine. We never take sides, although I’m totally on yours.”
Ellen comes back with another pillow and puts it on the bed. We stand in the tiny bedroom, none of us saying anything. I’m a forty-six-year-old man moving in with my best friend and his wife. How did I get here? I never thought after twenty years that the person I trusted the most would betray me. My whole world has been thrown up in the air and dropped down like a basketball hitting cement over and over.
CHAPTER 21
“Gia, are you still there? I can’t hear you.” Jim’s voice was booming through the speaker of Gia’s phone, reverberating off the walls of the nail salon. The salon was filled with mothers and daughters laughing and talking, and Gia and I’d been sitting next to each other like two strangers on a bus. I thought the two of us getting manicures would be a good way to spend time together, but she would’ve rather been with Jason than getting her stupid nails done. Her lovely words to me on the ride over.
Over the last five days, Jim had called her three times, but he’d cut the calls short to avoid her asking too many questions. When she wondered why he wasn’t calling more, I told her there was lousy cell service where he was. Hearing his voice through her speaker made me sad, but it also made me angry because he’d been ignoring all my calls. The other women at the salon were giving me the evil eye, and the receptionist began tapping on a sign that read, “No Cell Phone Calls in the Salon.”
“Could you get off the phone? You’re disturbing everyone around us,” I said. Gia made no move to hang up.
“Where are you?” Jim asked her.
“Mom made me go with her to get a manicure.”
“Gia’s getting one too,” I yelled toward the phone, gesturing with my hand, which caused my manicurist to nick me with her cuticle cutter. “Ow,” I said, putting my finger in my mouth. “Can you watch what you’re doing?” I was taking my frustrations out on her, but I didn’t care.
“You’ve been gone almost a week. When are you coming home?” Gia asked him.
“I’m not sure.”
“It’s Saturday. How long is that conference?”
“I don’t know,” he said, stumbling over his words.
“How can you not know?”
“It’s complicated … and you sound busy right now. I’ll call you tonight. I love you.” He hung up.
“He’s not at a conference, is he?” Gia asked so loudly that anyone who hadn’t already been staring at us looked over.
I lowered my voice to a whisper. “Let’s talk about this in the car.”
“No. Every time I ask you about him, you get weird. What’s going on?” she asked at the same loud pitch.
“Nothing.”
“You’re lying.” She pulled her hand away from her manicurist, causing her to mess up her polish. “Now look what you made me do,” she said, scowling at me. The manicurist rolled her eyes.
“Excuse us for a second,” I said to both manicurists. Then I took Gia by the arm. “Come with me.” I pulled her to the corner of the room. “Everything’s fine,” I said. “Your father and I are working a few things out.” I had no idea if that was true.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means things will soon be back to normal.”
“I don’t believe you.” She stormed out of the salon. One set of her nails had fuchsia polish and the other was completely bare. She needed a few minutes to calm down, so I kept my head down and walked back over to my manicurist to finish my nails. The manicurist who had been doing Gia’s nails handed me a bill and moved on to someone else.
When my nails were done, I left the salon hoping I’d figure out what to say to Gia on the ride home, but instead of waiting for me, I saw her getting into Taylor’s convertible. The two of them drove off, their hair blowing in the breeze. I sat down on the curb outside the salon. It was hard and uncomfortable, which was fitting for what my life had become. I rummaged through my purse to find my phone, but since my nails weren’t completely dry, I had to be careful, kind of like that game Operation where you’re trying not to hit the sides. When I finally got my phone, I saw Michael had texted me again. He’d been texting me for days, but I hadn’t responded. I called Ellen.
“Hi,” I said.
“I’ve been worried about you. You haven’t called me back, and when I text, the most you say is that you’re okay.”
“I wasn’t ready to talk. Losing my mother and my marriage in the same week isn’t something I’d wish on anyone. Can you meet for lunch today?”
“When?”
“Now.”
I told her I was across the street from Friendly’s, and she said she could be there in fifteen minutes. Friendly’s was known for ice cream, but it had pretty good food, especially when you were looking for something fried. The restaurant wasn’t crowded, as it was early for lunch and too early for ice cream. I didn’t want to be that person sitting all alone in a booth, so instead I waited for her on a bench outside. Bad thoughts about what I’d done to my marriage and how much I’d hurt Jim were smashing into each other in my head and making me dizzy. I wasn’t good at meditating, but I thought it was worth a try. I breathed in and out slowly and settled on a mantra. “This too shall pass, this too shall pass, this too shall pass. …” After the tenth time I had recited the phrase, I finally started to feel better. My heart had slowed down, and my breathing was even, until a crumb of a thought drifted in. What if it doesn’t pass? And then that became my mantra until Ellen arrived.
“Why are you out here? Did they ban you from the restaurant?” She gave me a mournful and empathetic hug.
“I needed air.”
We sat at a table in the back. I caught Ellen up on this morning with Gia. “And then Jim just hung up, leaving me to try to make excuses for why he wasn’t there. This whole thing’s a giant mess.” Ellen didn’t say anything, which was out of character. “What?” I asked.
“Jim’s not the one who messed things up.”
“No, but he made it easy for me to do it.” The busboy came over to fill our water glasses and spilled ice on my lap. He apologized as I pushed the ice onto the floor.
“That’s not an excuse,” she said.
“Whose side are you on?”
“I’m not on anyone’s side. I’m your friend, but I’m also Jim’s friend, and I see what he’s going through. I feel bad for him.”
“It’s not like everything is hunky dory in my world.” I took a sip of water, and a piece of ice slid into my mouth. I deserved to choke on it, but it went right down.
“Yeah, but you created that world. I told you it was a bad idea to keep seeing Michael.”
“I couldn’t help it.”
“It’s not like he hypnotized you,” Ellen stated.
Could he have? Could I have fallen victim to his charm and good looks, and they made me do things I wouldn’t have normally done? The waitress came over to take our order. Ellen ordered a grilled chicken sandwich with extra tomatoes, and an iced tea with an orange instead of a lemon. I hadn’t even opened the menu, but I ordered a tuna sandwich with extra mayo, and french fries. I might as well ruin my figure. I’d already ruined my marriage, my daughter’s life, and possibly my friendship.
“Are you mad at me?” I asked.
“No. I mean, I don’t know, maybe.”
I couldn’t believe it. She was my best friend, and she was supposed to support me no matter what stupid things I’d done. “That’s not fair. Besides, if it wasn’t for your stupid pros and cons list, he would never have known.”
“Don’t blame me for your mess.”
“You’re right. I got myself into this.”
“So, what are you going to do to get yourself out?” Ellen asked.
“I don’t know. Something has to change for both of us. I mean, what kind of marriage do we have if we shy away from important conversations and we don’t have sex?”
“You could’ve had a real conversation about your sex life instead of pretending it wasn’t going on, and you could’ve gone to therapy. There were plenty of things you could’ve done before turning to another man.”
“How can you say that? You know I tried.”
“You didn’t try hard enough. You kept waiting for things to change as opposed to finding ways to change them.”
The waitress came back with our food. Ellen took a bite of her sandwich before my plate of food had touched the table. “Excuse me?” she called to the waitress with her mouth full of chicken and extra tomatoes. “Can you tell the chef that if he put a little pesto on the chicken, it wouldn’t be so dry?”
“I’ll be sure to pass that along,” she said. “He loves getting tips from our customers.” She pulled our check out of her pocket and dropped it on the table.
“My fries are perfect,” I called after her, my voice louder than I intended. Ellen took another bite of her sandwich.
“The only thing I know for sure is that you and Jim need to talk,” she said.
“He won’t take my calls.”
“Then go to his office. Or show up at my house. Apologize, beg, do whatever it takes. You did cheat on him.”
“I’m judging myself. I don’t need you to judge me too.”
“I’m sorry, it’s just you and Jim were the most solid couple Sam and I knew. If you two get divorced, we’ll never find another couple we both like.” I felt the same way about her and Sam.
“This whole thing makes me sick to my stomach, which is why I haven’t wanted to talk about it. I know you mean well, but I need to get out of here.” I took a big bite of my sandwich, grabbed a few fries, dropped money on the table and left. As I walked past the waitress, I handed her a ten-dollar tip. “Thanks for your patience.” I continued out the door. Everyone I loved was mad at me. I didn’t want the waitress to be mad at me too.
In the parking lot, I called Jim and was surprised when he answered. “I need to know if you’re coming home soon,” I said. “If not, we need to tell Gia something.”
“I’m not,” Jim said.
“Not soon or not ever?”
He stayed silent. Was he saying he was never coming home?
After a few moments, he said, “Fine, I’ll come over later today, and we can talk to Gia.”
“What should we say?”
“How the hell should I know?”
“You’re a shrink. You’ve been trained for this kind of thing. You must’ve given your patients advice on what to say to their kids if they separated.”
“I think we should just be honest,” he said.
“That’s a dumb idea.”
“Fine, then lie. You’re good at that.” He hung up on me. He had perfected that skill in such a short time.
I shoved my phone back in my purse and saw Ellen walking out of the restaurant. I didn’t want to talk to her again, so I ducked down beside an SUV.
“Excuse me, that’s my car,” a woman said. She and her toddler had come up behind me.
“Mommy, what’s that lady doing?” her toddler asked.
“I was just tying my shoes,” I said and walked off quickly before she could realize I had on leather boots with no laces.
Normally visiting with my dad made me feel better, but I hadn’t seen him since the funeral. I couldn’t handle the reality that both my parents were gone, while I was dealing with my life falling apart.
When Gia got home that afternoon, I didn’t tell her Jim was coming over. I wasn’t a hundred percent sure he’d show up.
Later that evening, Jim did come through the door, and I tried to convince myself that everything would be okay, but as soon as I saw his face, I knew it wouldn’t. He brushed past me and reflexively hung his keys on the hook next to the front door. Then, as quickly as they landed, he picked them back up and put them in his pocket. When Gia saw him, she hugged him tightly. She told him how much she missed him and how happy she was that he had come home.
“Why don’t we sit down?” I said.
“Why do we need to sit down?” Gia asked.
“It’s okay,” Jim said and led her to the couch. Gia sandwiched him between the arm of the couch and herself, probably so she could keep him from leaving again. I sat across from them, feeling as if I was on my own island. I waited for Jim to start, but he didn’t.
“Your father and I are going to live apart for a little while,” I said, ripping off the Band-Aid. “It doesn’t mean we aren’t still a family or that you did anything wrong.”
“I know I didn’t do anything wrong,” Gia snapped.
Great, I was off to a good start. I cracked my knuckles while I waited for Jim to add something. When he didn’t, I continued, “We both love you, and we can all still do things together as a family. It’s just your dad and I need time apart to work on some stuff.”
“What stuff?” Gia asked, her voice cracking. Neither of us said anything. “You aren’t going to tell me. You don’t think I’m old enough to handle the truth.”
“It’s not that,” Jim said.
“Are you having a fight?” Gia asked.
“No. We need to work on issues in our lives separately right now,” I said.
“That’s bullshit. You’re getting a divorce.”
“No one said anything about divorce,” I said. Jim didn’t say anything; he just looked down at his shoes.
“I don’t want to be from a divorced family,” Gia said.
Now I was close to tears. It broke my heart to see my daughter so torn up. “I said we aren’t getting a divorce.”
Jim put his arm around her. “I won’t be living here, but it’ll be okay, I promise. I’ll see you a lot. I’ll take you out to dinner, and we can see movies on the weekends.”
Gia scooted even closer to Jim, which I didn’t think was possible. “Are you ever coming back?” she asked, looking at him with eyes welling up with tears.
“We’ll see,” Jim said.
“Where will you live?” Gia asked.
“He’s staying at Sam and Ellen’s,” I said.
“Not anymore. I just rented an apartment,” he said.
“You did?” I said. Had it gone that far? Was this permanent? “Did you sign a lease?” Please say no.
“It’s month to month.” He didn’t look in my direction.
“I’m going to go live with Dad.” Gia wiped her runny nose with the back of her hand. “Dad, will you help me move?” Why didn’t she want to stay with me?
“I don’t have a bed in the second bedroom yet,” Jim said. “It would be better for you to stay here for now.” For now? He was taking her over my dead body.
“When can you get me a bed?” Gia asked.
“We don’t know how long your dad will be in the apartment. He may not need to buy one,” I said.
“Stop lying. Dad’s never coming home.” Gia ran out of the room, hysterical.
I turned to Jim. “You rented an apartment? Does that mean you don’t want to try to work things out?”
“Right now, no,” Jim said, standing up. “I have to go.”
“You’re going to leave me here to deal with all this?” I was incredulous.
“There wouldn’t be anything to deal with if it wasn’t for you.” He took his keys out of his pocket and walked toward the door. “I’ll talk to Gia again on the drive to the city.”
“You’re taking her to New York?”
“Yeah, for the weekend. It’s a surprise. I’m taking her to see Hamilton.”
“You got tickets to Hamilton? Are you freaking kidding me? You knew I wanted to see that show, and you said the tickets cost a fortune?”
“She really wanted to see it.” Was he trying to buy her off? How transparent. Why didn’t I think of that? “Have her pack a suitcase. I’ll pick her up Friday after school.” He walked out.
I’d been suggesting we go to Hamilton for months, but he said it was too expensive and New York was filled with muggers and dirt. I was seething. I took a pillow off the couch and pounded the living hell out of it. How dare he put our entire marriage on me? He was just as much at fault for our issues as I was.
Over the next couple of days, Gia pouted or stayed in her room most of the time and didn’t bring up anything about Jim and me. All she talked about was how much fun she was going to have next year on her own. I wasn’t sure if she was trying to convince herself or punish me because she knew how much I was going to miss her. Why was she blaming me more than her dad for our problems? It wasn’t as if she knew anything about Michael. Moms always got the brunt of everything when dads were in the clear.
