FOUND, page 26
It was time.
“Dave,” she said, speaking aloud a name that she had only whispered to herself for years. “David Matthew Collins, I love you.” Even after all this time, his face appeared in her mind’s eye as clearly as ever. “I have loved you forever, and I will never cease to love you. But the time has come to accept that our paths have diverged.”
Rikube didn’t cry these days, but here, in the privacy of her quarters, in her last address to her lost husband, the tears rolled slowly down her cheeks, one by one, and she did nothing to stop them. “I hope, with all my being, that you lived a joyous life, full of light and love, and there will always be a part of me that is so, so sorry I missed it, so sorry that I couldn’t grow old with you.”
Images of Dave at sixteen, when she’d first met him filled her mind’s eye. Then at graduation, at college, at first Katherine’s funeral, then Adam’s. She saw him all dressed up and nervous the evening he’d proposed. She saw him in his tuxedo, dashing and gorgeous and breathtaking, as they exchanged vows. She remembered him naked and glorious, the feeling of the two of them coming together, being together, closer than she would, or could, ever be with anyone else. “You have been the strength of my life, the shelter of my heart, and the very core of all that is good. You will always be a part of my soul, and I will never, ever regret a moment we spent together. I will never fully stop missing you. And I will never, until the day I die, forget you.”
She cupped a hand behind the flame. “I love you, Dave. Goodbye.”
And with a trembling breath, she blew out the candle.
Rikube sat and cried, allowing herself to feel the loss of everything she’d held so dear for so long. Then she moved on to the second candle.
“Phil.” Her already shaky voice broke. “Philip Edward Arensen, I love you.” She thought of her little brother, from the baby he’d been to the chubby-cheeked toddler to the awkward, gangly teen and finally, to the young man he was becoming on Mars. “I miss you so much. I wish things had gone differently. I wish that I had been able to stay there with you like I promised, that I could have been there with you as you grew into manhood, maybe falling in love and raising a family. Or not. Whatever life you lived, I hope you were, above all, happy. I hope, with all my being, that you lived a joyous life, full of light and love, and Phil, I am so, so sorry that I missed it all. But the time has come to accept that our paths have diverged.”
She had to take a few moments to bawl before she could continue the ceremony. “You were always a light in my darkness, a joy in my sorrow, and I will never stop missing you. I will never, until the day I die, forget you.”
She cupped a hand behind the second flame. “I love you, Phil. Goodbye.”
In between sobs, Rikube blew out the second flame.
She buried her face in her hands and wailed, her body heaving, until she ran out of tears.
When the tempest finally passed, she blew her nose one last time, wiped her eyes, and took a deep breath. She looked up, beyond the candles, the wicks of which had stopped smoking, to the field of stars behind them in the window. She stood, picking up the candles and placing them on a high shelf, above the picture Senhku had drawn for her. In silence, she contemplated the candles and the love they represented. She had lost Dave and Phil, but she had never lost their love, no more than they had ever lost hers.
Pekoe had been right. It was important to surround herself with reminders of the love in her life. It was important to remember that love was such a powerful force that, once given, it was hers to keep forever, even if the original giver was lost to her long ago.
Rikube sighed deeply. Her eyes ached, but her spirit felt lighter. Now she could begin to live fully in the here and now, finally feeling at peace with her past. With the reassurance of the love she had in her life, in her heart and soul, she turned and looked to the endless vista of stars in front of her.
To her future.
~~~
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
FOUND, MY debut novel, would not exist if not for the dedicated efforts of some very dear people. I offer my heartfelt thanks to each of them.
To Jenny Cicotte, without whose gentle persistence nobody other than me would ever have read a word of this story. You read FOUND when it was its worst version of itself, and you still believed in it, and in me.
To Marthese Fenech. Your mad editing skills combined with your goodness not only made this story stronger, but encouraged me to keep going with it when I wasn’t sure the effort would be worth it. FOUND is what it is because of both your professionalism and your kindness.
To Karen Stevens, scientist and expert grammarian. Thanks to you, not only did I nail the pH scene, but everybody’s name is spelled correctly and (most of) the commas are where they ought to be. Dave’s not the only one who’s glad to know Dr. Aiani.
To Tracy Otterholt, whose enthusiasm for this novel breathed new life into it and into my desire to publish it. It’s so easy to lose confidence during your first publishing journey. You restored mine.
Above all, my endless gratitude to my husband, Mike. You believe in me more than I do in myself, in every single area of my life, without exception. Your unwavering support is the launchpad from which I reach for the stars, so this story set among them is dedicated to you.
All my thanks.
Lesli Weber, FOUND
