Just One More Breath, page 9
Seeing the trashed room in the light of day gave me an even better look at the mess Nicole had made in her rage. It was a candid look at just how destroyed she was feeling. I lifted all the furniture back to its upright position, and tried to put things away as neatly as I could. I was really impressed with Jax’s possessions. He’d had everything a ten-year-old heart could desire. Game consoles, cool clothes, awesome sneakers, and a ton of football cards—some of them signed—neatly arranged in a plastic binder. When everything was packed away to my liking, I carefully swept up the pieces of broken glass off the floor.
I walked back into Nicole’s room to check on her. I was glad to see that she was still resting. Two hours later, I got a text from my mom letting me know that she was outside. When I opened the door, my mother was unloading her trunk and I ran outside to help her. “Hey, Mom, thank you so much for coming.” I looked down at her with an appreciative smile. “Hey, baby, you know that anytime you call, I come running.”
Her words warmed my heart. “I know and I love you for it. Let’s go inside.” I gave her a quick kiss on the cheek but when we made eye contact I didn’t like what I saw. She looked skeptical, like she wasn’t confident that I could pull off what I set out to do. Instead of questioning it, I led her inside, knowing it was only a matter of time before she let her thoughts be known.
I placed the numerous bags on Nicole’s kitchen island and started shuffling through them until I found what I was looking for. Back when we hung out regularly, Nicole would ask me to grab her a bouquet of Calla Lilies from a florist close to my parents’ house. She’d said they were her favorite flower and always brightened up her mood. It bothered me when Nicole said that she no longer liked flowers and I wanted to subtly bring them back into her life in a positive manner. I shuffled through her cabinets in search of a vase; I found one in the very last place I looked. By that point, I’d become well acquainted with how everything was organized. My mother sat quietly at the kitchen island observing my every move.
When the vase was filled with water and the flowers were all set, I approached her.
“Okay, Mom. Spill it.” She smiled. I could see that she was thinking very carefully and choosing her words wisely.
“Ummm, how do I put this lightly?” She put her finger to her chin while she pondered her wording.
“Don’t put it lightly, give it to me straight,” I said plainly.
Her eyebrows rose. “Okay, I think what you’re trying to do for this poor girl is very noble. But, I have a few reservations. One, if she’s suicidal, she doesn’t need a friend; she needs a psychiatrist and maybe even some meds. And two—which probably should’ve been number one—you are the most selfish of my four boys. The only thing you’ve ever been able to commit to was becoming a lawyer. As soon as you feel like helping Nicole is too much of a commitment or your penis starts to itch, you will be out the door faster than a speeding bullet.”
My face morphed into a look of disgust. It actually hurt my feelings that she said I was her most selfish son, ESPECIALLY when I thought for sure that Mark was, and…Ewww! Did she really just say that? “First of all, Mom, let’s not use the words penis and itch in the same sentence.”
A smile spread across her face.
“Secondly, I’ve thought long and hard about this, and I want to help Nicole. She needs me. I know there might be a chance that she needs professional help…but there is also a chance that she just needs a little tender love and care. And in that case, I strongly believe that I’m the person who is supposed to give it to her. I just need a small sign of hope, if not, I promise you that I will call the authorities and have her taken to a hospital,” I said with a little bit more aggression than necessary.
She ignored my whole spiel and kept talking. “Ever since you were young, you have always felt the need to take on big projects. Nicole is not a project, Shawn; she’s a real person with real feelings. Make sure you’re doing this for the right reasons.”
I cut her off. “Mom, you know that strange feeling you told me you get every time dad walks into a room?” She nodded. “I get a similar unusual feeling whenever I see Nicole. There has never been another woman in the world to make me feel like she does. I know she’s in a bad place and nothing will ever come of these feelings. But the fact that they exist makes it virtually impossible for me to walk away from her. I’m doing this because Nicole needs a friend and I believe deep down inside that I am that friend. I want to help her, Mom, and I’m going to give Nicole my all.”
My mother looked pleased with my words. “Well fine then, where are the pots? I’m going to make you guys two pots of soup—one chicken, one minestrone.”
“I love you, Mom.” I pulled my mother in for a tight squeeze.
“I love you too, baby boy.” She planted a kiss on my cheek and turned back toward the stove. Three hours later, my mother was all done cooking, and on her way back home to my dad.
I ran up to Nicole’s room to check on her. Surprisingly, she was still asleep. I hopped in the shower and changed into an outfit I had my mother pick up from my place. Then I grabbed a thermos full of my mother’s chicken soup, and my laptop, then went up to Nicole’s room to get some work done on her divorce while she slept.
When I entered Nicole’s room, her eyes were open and she looked lost and confused. I didn’t like her so uncomfortable and unsettled. It made my chest ache. I wanted to hold her and feel her close against me. Most of all, I wanted to erase the pain from her eyes and care for her until she was whole again.
When Nicole realized she was in her room, sleeping in her bed, she freaked out and started desperately scrambling out of the bed. Her legs got tangled in the sheets and she almost face-planted onto the ground. Before she hit the floor, my arms were around her. “Nicole, calm down. Everything is fine.” She was still fighting to get as far away from the bed as possible but calm came over her when I pulled her into my chest. I looked down at her. “It’s alright, I’m here,” I whispered. “Are you hungry? I have food,” I asked in a soft tone. I sat us both down on the armchair away from her bed.
“No, I’m fine…really, Shawn, I am,” she said, trying to move out of my grasp. “You can leave now, go home and enjoy your Satur… today is Saturday, right?” she asked.
I leaned in just a little and looked her right in the eye. “Yes, Nicole. Today is Saturday. And no, I’m not going home. I’m not leaving this house until I am one hundred thirty-five percent sure you are fine. Right now, you’re not even close to that.”
“I’m not your problem, Shawn, don’t let me burden you with my issues. Just go and pretend you never saw me at the bar.”
I became irritated and my tone changed from convincing to demanding. “Stop asking me to leave. I have time off from work and I’ve just decided that I’m spending it all here with you.”
She went stock-still. “Why would you want to do that? You have a life and a girlfriend. Please don’t let me keep you from them.”
I ignored her words. “Like I just said, there is warm food and you need to eat, but since this room clearly doesn’t have a calming effect on you, I think we should go downstairs.”
“I’m not hungry, and I’m too weak and hung over to walk down stairs. I just need to get out of this bedroom as soon as possible.”
I abruptly stood with Nicole still in my arms; I used one arm to rid her legs of the tangled sheets and within seconds we were headed down the steps and back into her living room. I deposited her onto the couch with the gentleness that one used to handle a newborn baby, and then I used a few of her couch cushions to prop her up on an angle. Once I was satisfied with her positioning I ran back upstairs to fetch my things.
Minutes later, I returned with a bowl full of piping hot chicken soup from the thermos I had taken upstairs. When Nicole caught a whiff of the heavenly scent, I heard her severely neglected stomach growl. Although I could tell she was starving she was still being stubborn. “Just put the soup aside and I will get to it later.”
“Nicole you need to eat, you’re too skinny,” I said stating the obvious.
“I’m not…”
Before she could finish her sentence, a spoonful of soup was strategically forced into her slightly opened mouth. Nicole let out an involuntary moan of appreciation and shamelessly opened her mouth for another spoonful of the delicious soup. I didn’t even try to hide my delight. I kept smiling and feeding her, and she kept on eating. In less than five minutes, I had the bowl refilled to the brim, and Nicole was going full-steam ahead on her second bowl. She easily engulfed three bowls of soup in less than fifteen minutes.
Then I handed her a multivitamin and a bottle of water, which she swallowed and chugged, then laid back into her pillow.
After a few minutes of silence, I spoke. “Nicole, why did you freak when you woke up in your bed earlier?”
She let out a deep sigh. “Shawn, I’m tired and I really don’t feel like talking about anything deep right now.”
I respected her wishes and left her alone. As I turned I quietly said, “She’s not my girlfriend. Brooke is not my girlfriend.” But when I looked back at her, she was already asleep.
Chapter Ten
Shawn
Even though it should’ve been stressful, this was actually turning out to be one of the most relaxing “staycations” I ever had. Not only was I working on Nicole’s divorce, I also started doing light work on a new case from work. I found that the light sounds of Nicole’s breathing had a calming effect on me while I worked¸ and it allowed me to get more work done without feeling overwhelmed.
When I wasn’t working, I kept myself self very busy by taking care of Nicole. I made sure Nicole ate, stayed hydrated, and took her vitamins. I also took on the task of making her house feel like a home again. Surprisingly, domestic tasks didn’t suck half as much as I thought they would.
I took down the thick blackout drapes, and opened the venetian blinds. I dusted and mopped the entire house, and lit scented candles for a warmer feel. I also placed an order with Fresh Direct and had some groceries delivered. I could honestly say that the place seemed a whole lot nicer with those few changes.
Nicole had been sleeping a whole lot, more than fifteen hours a day. Every so often she started whimpering in her sleep and sometimes she would wake up in a full-on crying spell. Whenever that happened I pulled her onto me and hugged her closely to my chest. Something about this action always calmed her down and it made me feel good knowing that I was able to bring her peace. It reassured me that I had made the right decision by staying with her.
For the last week, we had been sleeping in her living room. I remembered Nicole’s reaction after waking up in her bed and decided against trying that again. I didn’t want to upset her; right now my main focus was keeping her healthy.
I glanced at my watch and saw that it was almost time for Nicole to eat. When I opened the container to get a bowl of soup I realized that we were done with the chicken and steadily making our way through the minestrone. I picked up my phone and called my mother. Like she did every time her children called, she answered by the second ring.
“Hey, Mom. How are you?”
“Hey, baby, I’m good. How are things going with you?” she asked in a loving tone.
“Really good actually. In the last week I’ve managed to get a whole lot of work done. More so than if I would’ve stayed in my own house during this vacation,” I said.
“Oh, that’s good to hear. How is Nicole?”
“Same…sleeping and crying. But she is eating, so that’s a plus, right?” My voice sounded hopeful.
“Yes, baby, it sure is,” my mother said, matching my optimism.
“I just realized that we are running low on food, so I was wondering if you could put together lasagna for me and season up a chicken. You don’t have to bake them or anything.”
“I would love to. You know I never mind whipping up a good meal.”
I loved and appreciated my mother so much. “Well in that case, feel free to put together any kind of meal you want. You can drop them off whenever you have a chance as we still have some soup left.”
“Okay, son, and in case I haven’t told you before, I’m very proud of you for what you’re doing to help Nicole.”
I couldn’t help but smile. “Thanks, Mom, I love you.”
“I love you too, baby. I will drop by later on with some food. Oh, and by the way, Mark has been trying to get in contact with you. Give him a call when you can.”
“Thanks, Mom, will do. See you later.” I disconnected the call with my mother and immediately dialed my brother.
Mark answered with anger in his voice, “Where the fuck have you been?”
Oh…please…“I know mom told you, so don’t act like you don’t know.”
“Mom told me that you’re staying at your friend’s house because you unknowingly prevented her from committing suicide and now you want to help her. But I don’t believe her. I think you’re on an island somewhere with three or four chicks having all types of crazy sexcapades. And you’re just too embarrassed to tell her that.”
I laughed at Mark’s ridiculousness. “As much fun as your idea sounds like…I am actually at a friend’s house, helping her through a rough time.”
I heard Mark take in a quick breath. “Shawn, are you fucking insane? This girl needs professional help, and last time I checked, your degree is in law not psychiatry.”
“I’m not insane, Mark. Why does everyone think this is a bad idea?”
“Because of who you are. This isn’t you.”
That actually stung. Have I really been that selfish an asshole that they don’t believe I am capable of caring for anyone else than myself? It hurt that my own family didn’t think I could do something positive for a friend.
“So tell me something, Mark. Is helping Nicole a bad idea because I want to help her? Or because she was suicidal? Because I have the funny feeling that had this been Shane, everyone would be rallying around him, offering support and commending him for his bravery.”
Mark was silent on the phone.
“’Bye, Mark. We’ll talk some other time.”
I disconnected the call and threw my cell phone on the table. I didn’t want to waste any more time with Mark’s crap. Besides I had another task at hand. The odor coming from the couch. Nicole was starting to smell. She hadn’t showered in God knows how long.
Nicole
I walk into Jax’s room and I see his little frame sitting on the edge of the bed. I know what’s going to happen but I almost get tricked into thinking its real…. Again.
I know it’s not…
I’ve had this dream on more than one occasion and it always ends the same…
I wake up, and he’s not here. Before I can say anything he stands up and wraps his little arms around my body.
His beautiful eyes lock with mine as I rub my hands through his soft hair. Tears well in my eyes. I don’t want to speak; I don’t want to question it… I just…
I just want to enjoy this dream for as long as I can.
After a few minutes of silent embrace he begins to pull away. In a panic try to grab him, but…
I can’t quite get my hands around him.
My heart starts pounding in my chest.
“Jax, baby… please don’t leave me. I can’t handle this.”
He gives me a sad smile.
“Mom, I miss you, too. But…I’m okay and I need you to be fine as well.”
A tear slides down my face, but I hold back…not wanting to use this precious time weeping. I try to speak in a calm, strong voice…but in the end, it comes out like a strangled whisper.
“How can I be okay without you? It’s impossible, baby. The last little piece of you that I had left has faded.”
He walks over to me again and grabs my hand. “Mom, you can never lose me. I’m always around, you just need to open your eyes and see me. I’m always with you…but I need you to be strong and live. You have help now.”
He starts backing away in a faster pace. I hear his words but I can’t process them because I’m desperate to get close to him again. I want to hug my baby again.
“Jax, I will never be okay without you. Please baby, don’t leave me!”
“Mom, you can survive this. I know you can. I love you.”
And with that…he disappears.
Before I knew it, I was awake and running at top speed. I headed into the bathroom and stuck my head straight into the bowl. Every time I had a dream about Jax it affected me like this. As I heaved, I felt Shawn’s presence behind me and his cool hand touched my neck as he gathered my loose hairs back and out of firing range. He smoothed away the pieces that stuck to my sweat-drenched face and pulled it back into a hair tie I had on the bathroom sink. Then he kneeled down beside me and rubbed my back.
My stomach convulsed violently until it was completely empty. When the urge to vomit left my body, I sat back on my heels and tried to catch my breath. Shawn sat silently in the corner.
Then without prompting, he stood and walked over to the sink. He found my toothbrush and added some toothpaste to it. Then he made his way over to my bath and turned it on. He effortlessly lifted me onto the toilet seat and offered me a disposable cup full of water. I used it to rinse the gunky taste of vomit out of my mouth. Then he refilled the cup and I rinsed again, that time with mouthwash. When I spat that out, my mouth was greeted by a toothbrush. Shawn gave my teeth a thorough brushing and another cup of water to rinse. Then he turned the steaming shower off and began filling the tub with water. “We’re killing two birds with one stone here, because I was just about to suggest that you shower.” He reached for the hem of my shirt and tugged it over my head. I started to feel self-conscious but the gentleness in Shawn’s eyes made me feel at ease. His eyes stayed on my face as he pulled my shorts and underwear down. Then he lifted me off of the toilet and lowered me into the tub.
