Smother, page 5
I walk quietly past the pile of blankets in my unfinished living room, the drywall barely hung and the plywood subflooring not offering any cushion. Tessa is there, softly crying instead of sleeping. I press my back to the corner closest to her and slide down the wall, not wanting to disturb what she’s trying to keep to herself. If we were in a better place or she truly was mine, I’d not let her suffer alone. But she’s crying over the loss of someone else, and she’s made it clear she’s only here under orders from Gary. All I can do is watch her, and be here if she ever does want anything from me.
~
The sun is rising, my eyes never shutting once through the night. Tessa didn’t seem to get much shuteye herself. She tossed and turned and let her face pinch into the lines of physical pain more than once. I know because I watched her from the corner, itching all over to comfort her while burning with the truth of knowing it isn’t me she wants. She didn’t even seem to want Chopper’s attempt at affection even though she let him get closer to her than she lets me get anymore.
I despise seeing her in arms that aren’t mine, the sting made worse when she acts like my arms are vile when all they’ve ever been to me is limbs made for the purpose of wrapping around her. They ache as she pushes herself up off the blankets and walks into the kitchen. I stay in my corner. Soon I’ll have to cart her out of here, and there are a few ways I can do that. Her Highlander is in the garage that’s connected to the house. She hasn’t been in there so she doesn’t know that’s where I’ve stored it. Riding in her own vehicle might make her feel better. Riding in any vehicle might make her feel better, seeing how riding on four wheels guarantees she won’t have to touch me.
Despite my own personal bend toward wanting to feel her so close to me that I can hear her breathe, I’m settling on a different reason to force her onto one of my bikes. Two wheels are faster than four, especially on these roads, where one day I might have to run from a pack of motorcycles. A scenario that’s looking more and more likely each day. If it does come to pass, I’d rather be prepared than have her pacified for a day.
Glass clangs in the kitchen and I lean my head on the wall. I wish now that I would have trashed that bottle of Ricard. Her going straight for alcohol at this hour confirms what I thought. She’s not turning into a drunk, she’s already achieved the feat.
The back door opens and I push up off the floor. Jimmy is out front, arriving half an hour ago. I let Tessa walk out the back alone and instead head out the front door. Jimmy is leaning on his truck, his dark hair similar to mine but his skin paler and his neon shorts something I’d go naked before wearing. But he’s a dead shot and this far out of town, he’ll be able to monitor the property and keep harm from coming to the women inside the house. “Thanks for doing this. Marcie’s mom might give you a little trouble but Marcie won’t, and she’s pretty good at getting her mom to chill.”
He uncrosses his ankles, taking his rifle from the rack behind his pickup seat. “You’re still paying me, so I don’t care if sit up on the roof and pick off dust before it settles instead of changing oil, but what are you going to do about Town’s End?”
I shrug. “Kevin can keep working and do as much as he can, but worrying about business is something I can’t afford right now. Half the town is shut down already anyway.”
Jimmy slicks his hair back. “The half that isn’t closed is capitalizing on all this new media tourism we’ve got. I drove past Riverside Grille on my way through town yesterday and that road over there is nuts.”
I rub a kink in my neck. “Gary is closing the Grille to the public, so that’s liable to make it worse, the mystery of what the club is doing making for good television.”
Jimmy looks at the house. “Maybe someone should tell them you’re the real mystery. Everybody around here knows Tessa and I’m not saying I wouldn’t go for her if she looked my way, but I’d kick her to the curb if I had your setup and a ready-made wife inside it.” He meets my stare. “The garage is going to end up closing and then what are you going to do? Money doesn’t grow on Tessa and even if it did, she wouldn’t let you pick any.”
I fold my arms over my chest. “You’ve never had a serious girlfriend and with those shorts, I don’t expect you to find one anytime soon, so just get inside and when Marcie wakes up, tell her I’ll be calling her just as soon as I can.”
He slings his rifle over his shoulder. “I take it back. If you’re running off without even telling Marcie goodbye, there’s no mystery to you at all.”
I unfold my arms and walk away from him because what he’s saying is true. No one has ever had to wonder where my loyalty lies, and I should be embarrassed about it, but I’m not. All I am is endlessly chafed.
I traipse down the path I cleared with Tessa in mind, envisioning her bare feet tapping over the earth as she ran, the bottom of her white wedding dress rimmed in mud, and the whole thing turning beige when I floated her out into the river and pulled her under with me the way I used to do when we were teens. Back then, life with Tessa was raw and real, and all I ever needed. She kept me out of drugs and off booze because there was never any high as good as her. But my dream of building a life with her is no closer to being a reality than my marrying anyone else is. Before the killings started, I might have been able to go through with asking Marcie to marry me. Whether or not I could have gone through with the actual marrying part is something I’ll never know because now I can’t even do the asking. When I leave here, that relationship will be as good as dead, and I don’t plan to fight too hard to save it.
Marcie has always deserved better than me. Tessa might too, but she’s no saint so we’re a lot closer on the scorecard she’s keeping than she’s ever been willing to admit. I stand beside her, squatting down and scooping a handful of dirt into my palm, letting it sift through my fingers as we watch the river flow through the gentle-moving hole I used heavy machinery to create. Our own personal swimming ground nestled in our own backyard, because if anything is true about Tessa and me, it’s that this river raised us. It just didn’t prepare either of us for the lives we’re living now. “You didn’t sleep.”
“Neither did you,” she responds.
I wipe my hand on the leg of my jeans and blow out a tired breath. “I’m sorry Gary isn’t here for you. I know you’re hurting and that I’m the last person you want to be around, but I’m not going to sit you on a table and swear fealty because I already made a pledge to you. A long time ago. You’re safe with me and you always will be, despite how hard you try to convince yourself otherwise. I’m going to protect you, Tessa, and get you safely to the other side of this. That includes getting you sober.” I tap the now half-empty bottle dangling from her fingers. “There’s nothing in there that’s going to fix your problems. All it will do is make everything worse.”
She lifts the bottle to her lips, taking a long drink. I stand, looking down into her swollen eyes. She drops the bottle to the ground. “I don’t care to be sober. Haven’t in a while. And you can keep yourself right here with Marcie, give her that rock you’re hiding in your bathroom because she’s the only woman I know dumb enough to walk an aisle with you.”
She turns back toward the path and stumbles away from me. “You’re a mean drunk, Tess. Just like my mom.”
~8~
Comparing Tessa to my mom is a low blow, but Tessa deserves nothing less. In many ways, I hardly recognize the girl I used to know. I can’t help having a belly full of lead over believing the cause of this personality change is that she loved Matt in a deeper way than she ever cared about me, and that’s saying a lot because even when she sucked on someone else’s face just to tick me off, she did it because she wanted my attention and knew every way in which to get it. She was never above fighting dirty and as much as I hated it, her darker traits excited me. She was as predictable as clockwork in her unpredictability, and I loved every minute of figuring her out.
The way she’s behaving now isn’t exciting though. She’s not fighting clean or dirty, she’s wallowing and turning to the bottle to numb the pain of her defeat. I close the door to Gary’s apartment behind her and cross the room, lifting the blind to the window that has a view of nothing. We’re high enough up that I can see Stokes Street, but the club bought the lot on the other side and put up a metal building, a place to work on their bikes that also has some cots inside. Farther on down the street, they bought up houses. All to keep the club close and together, and as some around here see it, the beginning of this club taking over the entire town.
I never correct anyone when I hear them speak ill of the club and all their holdings. If I did, it would only be to tell them the Leidolf already own this town in one manner or another. My garage isn’t the only business they gave a helping hand to, and I’d wager the help going directly to particular individuals yields the club even greater leverage.
“Put the blind down.” Tessa scolds, still wearing my clothes from yesterday. “Unless you’re the killer, I doubt I’m in danger. No one is climbing through the window.”
I check the row of rhododendron growing below the window. I’ve spent time scouring it and know its weaknesses. “If I was the killer, I would have come straight at you instead of being a coward who’s only trying to make you cry.” I face her. “They’re doing a heck of a job of breaking you though, so I guess maybe their way works best.”
She flips me off and trudges into the spare room. I follow her, closing the door behind me. She opens the closet and pulls out fresh clothes. Hers. “We’re not sharing a bed, Warren. If you’re looking for a warm body to hold, go on home to Marcie and give her that ring you’ve got stored in with your razor.” She faces me. “I borrowed your toothbrush and found your stupid hiding place. The box is all dinged up.”
I cross my arms and stuff my hands up into my armpits. “I saw the tube of toothpaste all squished and knew you’d been in the bag. As much as I’d like to lecture you about the right way to brush your teeth, we have bigger issues so let’s get some things straight because you're not in Kansas anymore, Dorothy, and a cup of water isn’t going to save you.”
I’d like to tell her I bought that ring for her, but she won’t appreciate that I did, or that I’ve been carrying it around all these years and that’s why the box is beaten up. Marcie won’t even let me see her with a toothbrush in hand and she has a special jar of some kind of toothpaste bites that are supposed to be saving the planet, so I’ve never worried about her coming across the ring. She isn’t like Tessa. Marcie doesn’t help herself to what belongs to other people.
“Where are the tapes you recorded of the club doing interviews with you?” I wait for an answer but her eyes give nothing away. “We don’t have time for lies, Tessa. The club doesn’t know Matt was a cop but they’re bound to find out soon, and then the little scheme he talked you into is going to look real bad for you. It’s going to look like you helped your cop boyfriend interrogate the club. In their own house. So stop standing there like a knot on a log because Chopper is next door going through Matt’s place right now. If he finds anything that points to you sharing club information with Matt, he’s going to make good on that sugarcoated threat he made last night.”
She drops onto the edge of the bed, face pinching and a hand running to the base of her spine. “I suppose Matt kept everything on his computer, but I don’t exactly know. We never had a chance to talk about much of anything. We preferred to take any minute we could find together to just be together…avoiding all of the turmoil.”
My blood boils. “You mean you preferred to drink and like a good little drunk, you let your guard down. With a cop.”
Her eyes snap to mine, the old Tessa staring back at me. “He’s not a cop and you saying it a hundred times isn’t ever going to make him one.”
I lower my hands and walk toward her. “Five years ago, you would have already put these pieces together and schooled me on how you did it, but since dumping me turned you into a drunk, let me be the one to clear this up for you.” I lower into her face. “Pig blood was in your bed. Chopper said so and you can take his word straight to the bank, sweetheart. Now that pig blood could be a coincidence, but I’m thinking someone knows Matty’s little secret and they just told you loud and clear that nothing stays secret for long. In the club’s eyes, once a cop, always a cop.”
She leans away, pain twisting up her face again. I tug the back of her shirt up, shock leaping from my mouth. “What in the heck is this?” My heart hammers, fingers pulling the band of her sweatpants down. She’s bruised the length of six inches and her hips are covered as if she’s been beaten. “What happened to you?”
“Stop, Warren.” She shoulders against me.
I keep her bent forward, running my hand down farther and tugging the pants away from the curve of her bottom. The bruising here is worse, and some of it clear. Bite marks. Rage quakes through me and I pull away, hands shaking and teeth ground tight. I stare into her face, hatred welling up. For her and for Matt. Chopper. All of them. “Is this what you think love is, Tessa? Does a man beating you and leaving you so freaking bruised you can’t sleep at night turn you on?”
Her hand flies up to strike me. “No one beat me! I got drunk and fell a few times. That’s all.”
I grab her wrist to stop the blow from landing, shoving the arm right back to her. “You’re a lousy drunk and an even worse liar. You don’t get bite marks from falling, and I don’t care if what you were falling into was Matt’s mouth.”
~
Of all the times I made love to Tessa, she never asked for anything rough. I never had a single inclination to hurt her. She never gave me an indication that me hitting her would turn her on either, and she wasn’t shy about telling me exactly what she wanted. We learned what felt good to us and none of it was painful. My Tessa was a pleasure to satisfy and she sated me in a way that made me never think about being with anyone else. Every other girl was only that. A female. They weren’t Tessa and therefore held no interest of mine. What a fool I was then, and still am.
I give Randy’s shoulder a pat. I left Tessa alone and I shouldn’t have, but I had to get away from her and the marks she let a man put on her. I figured she wouldn’t jump out the window so I tasked Randy with guarding Gary’s apartment. “Thanks. I appreciate you taking my babysitting duties for a while.”
Randy moves away from the door. “Beth is here. She’s been with Tessa about half an hour now.”
I nod. “I saw her walk past Tessa’s office and I would have tripped her but I didn’t trust myself to stop at that.” My dislike of Beth is well known and I’m less inclined to hold my tongue about it with each passing day. “If Tessa wants Beth to stay here, I’ll put her in the apartment beside Chopper’s. She’s not staying inside this one and she’s not to bring anyone into the Grille with her. Not even that half-baked slice of moron who thinks she’s wife material.”
Randy chuckles. “No Arnold in the building. Got it. But I doubt we have to worry about the sister staying here. She never even wants an escort when she’s on the move. It’s almost as if she doesn’t like us.”
I turn the knob. “The feeling is mutual, even if the rest of you are too nice to say it to her face because of Tessa.”
Inside the apartment, Tessa is showered and in fresh clothes that aren’t mine, her hair wet and her hand moving from Beth’s. They both look my way, Beth’s face turning redder than a fire engine. Tessa moves to the sink and fills a glass with water, her fist lifting to her mouth. “Whoa.” I stomp toward her. “What is that? What pills are you taking?”
“Leave me alone, Warren.” She sighs, her voice low and laced with that defeat she’s wrapped herself in.
“I’ll leave you alone when you’re thinking straight and not taking pills your psychotic sister brought in.”
Beth’s foot stomps, her lips curling when I glare at her. “Call me what you want, but I found my sister in the shower bruised like she’s been beaten and shaking like a leaf with not one of you bikers anywhere to be found, so it looks like I’m the only one who cares enough to help give her some relief.”
Tessa throws the pills down her throat and chases them with the water. I shove a hand around Beth and yank the open pill bottle off the counter, shaking a handful of tablets into my hand. They’re all different sizes and colors. “What are these? Or do you even know?”
Beth raises her chin. “They’re mine, so of course I know.”
“Liar.” I slam the bottle back onto the counter. “This looks like you’ve been lifting a pill here and two over there, stealing from the parents of those unfortunate kids you’re babysitting.”
Her neck flushes. “That medication is going to help my sister get some relief. She hasn’t slept and her boyfriend is missing, and she’s being held in this bar by a gang who’s forcing her ex on her.” She addresses Tessa. “Come with me. Dad has our old rooms ready and he won’t make you go through this alone. All of us will be there.”
“I can’t,” Tessa mutters, her lips already moving slowly.
I lift her arm and tuck it over my shoulder, running my hand around her waist and tilting her weight on me. “That’s right, you can’t. And now I’m thinking you haven’t been drinking yourself stupid, you’re just plain stupid.”
I move her from the kitchen into the bathroom and plunk her down in front of the toilet. “You either make yourself puke those pills up or I’ll put my own hand down your throat. Your choice. Make it now.”
“Leave her alone!” Beth shouts from behind me.
I keep my eyes on Tessa. “I’m ashamed of you. You know drugs are worse than booze and you have no idea what kind of cocktail that lowlife masquerading as a sister just gave you. Throw it up, by my hand or yours, but it’s coming out and it’s happening now.”
