Until We Meet Again (Breaking the rules Book 1), page 22
My fingers itch to message her to find out where she is and why she isn't in my class, but I refrain. I have to, even if it goes against everything inside me. However, I understand she might need some space, and I'll try my hardest to respect that.
Chapter 41
Zane
I'm no longer respecting her space.
It's been a week—a whole damn school week—and she hasn't shown up to a single one of my classes. Now, I'm just pissed. In fact, I'm way beyond pissed that she's skipping out on school when she's so close to graduating.
Okay, so there's a tiny but very loud, nagging part of my brain questioning whether she's okay. It took me driving past her house like a fucking psycho, where I managed to catch a glimpse of her blonde locks twisted into a knot on the top of her head to know that she was. When I caught sight of her, I immediately left. I already felt uneasy—borderline creepy—and the last thing I wanted was to look like some stalker. But sometimes anxiety hits me out of nowhere, like a tidal wave crashing against the shore, and no amount of bourbon can stop those intrusive thoughts from taking over my mind. It doesn't seem like it, but I'm trying to deal with my issues. However, this little vanishing act of hers hasn't helped.
I have the afternoon free, so I stroll around campus, making my way around all of Tessa's usual places, hoping to run into her. I'm about ready to give up hope as I head into the library, the last on my list of possible places where I'm likely to find her. I know her schedule, and this isn't a time when she would usually have a shift.
I wander through the library, surrounded by endless rows of bookshelves—shelves that I've had Tessa pressed against more than once. The place is buzzing with students, much more than I anticipated.
Tessa's nowhere to be seen, and just as I resign myself to thinking she isn't here, I see a flash of blonde hair from around the Law and Criminology section. When I step closer, my heart starts to race at the possibility of seeing her. I inch forward, drawing nearer until the back of her head comes into view, and it's confirmation enough. Her long, wavy blonde hair cascades down her back, over her skin that glows beneath the soft light, and over a black, strappy top I once would've had the privilege to peel off.
I stride purposefully toward her, steeling myself to confront her about how she just up and disappeared when my eyes catch a sudden flash of movement. Jet-black hair and a cocky smirk come into view, and I realize she isn't alone.
I recognize him immediately.
He wants her, but then I was already aware of that. I know what it looks like to be infatuated with her, and it emanates from him. But I can't blame him—Tessa's out of this world, beautiful.
Seeing them together triggers a fierce jealousy within me. They're undeniably close, both physically and in their obvious friendship, and Tessa is clearly comfortable with him. There's no fidgeting with her rings; she's entirely at ease, and I hate him because he gets this side of her—something I gave up.
Fuck it.
He notices me first, and as he straightens himself in his seat, she turns to look at me. If she's affected by my being here, she doesn't show it, which only pisses me off more.
"Miss Walsh."
"Can I help you, Professor?"
"A word, now."
Chapter 42
Tessa
I've been ugly crying for a week.
Jen has been an absolute rock for me. She's gone out of her way to find me every flavor of ice cream Ben & Jerry's has ever created. She's been the big spoon for at least two nights now, denying Harry her time so she could stay with me. She's watched every season of Bridgerton for the hundredth time and listened to me compare all of the love stories to the love I lost—the love I never really had.
But she's also put me on a phone ban.
The morning I left Zane, I returned home and spent hours staring at the one picture I had of us, reliving the memory and torturing myself in the process. Zane's face is mostly hidden as he rests his head against the curve of my neck, and his arm covers my modesty by lightly draping over my breasts. Every time I look at it, I can still feel his breath on my neck, his hot skin against mine, and his crushing presence in my heart.
"We have no photos together." I scroll through Instagram and enviously look at other couples living their best lives.
He rests his head on my chest while I gently run my fingers through his hair, both of us lost in our post-orgasmic haze. "You want people to find out I spent the last couple of months fucking you?"
"A little, don't you?"
"Sweetheart, I'd love to show you off so that no one thinks you're anything other than mine."
Zane leans closer, his face turning toward me, and I feel his warm breath brush against my neck. His lips trace a path along my bare skin, and my eyes briefly close, savoring the sensation of his kisses. I open the camera app on my phone, desperate to capture this moment and freeze it in time. With a quick adjustment to the angle, I make sure we're both in the frame, and I take the picture.
"Show me," he demands, and I hand it over. "God, you're beautiful." He puts my phone on the nightstand before he kisses the breath out of me.
After a day filled with tears and sadness, Jen stepped in and took my phone away.
During the first few days of what has easily been the worst week of my life, I decided to request a class change, citing my issues with Ashlee as the main reason for it. Thankfully, my request was approved, and I was assigned to Professor Greenwood's class for the final couple of weeks before we graduate.
I know I'll need to face Zane sooner or later, but the thought of sitting in his class, watching him teach, and knowing he's no longer mine—if he ever really was—made my heart ache.
I need distance.
I need to cut myself off from him.
Friday morning arrived, and with it came my first class with Professor Greenwood. Bored. Out. Of. My. Fucking. Head. Maybe it's my state of mind, but it dragged on, and my thoughts wouldn't stop wandering. I found myself checking the time every few minutes, wishing the hour was over.
I bolted out the door as soon as it ended, colliding head-on with Tobias.
"Are you stalking me, creeper?"
"It's possible, Blondie, considering you're playing so hard to get."
As I paint a fake smile on my face, I roll my eyes at him. It's been a week since the night at the bar, and I haven't spoken to Tobias. Despite being pissed with him and the comment he threw at Ashlee about me being a challenge or whatever the hell he said, deep down, I was so caught up in my feelings toward Zane that I probably overreacted.
"Where are you headed? Maybe we can clear the air, and you can stop thinking I'm an asshole."
"I'm going to the library to study."
"You have nothing to study for."
"Okay, fine. I’m going there to read."
"Sweet, me too," he says, and I lock eyes with him, knowing I will never win this fight. "Come on, Tessa," he pleads, his voice full of frustration. "Just give me a chance to explain."
I let out an annoyed huff and glare up at the monotonous white ceiling of the school hallway before slinging my bag over my shoulder. "Fine. But don’t expect anything from me. I didn’t like you that much before."
We walk side by side in silence for only a few seconds before Tobias breaks it. "So, are you planning to give me the silent treatment for the rest of our lives?" he asks with a hint of amusement in his voice.
"Nope, just until we graduate, then I don't have to look at your annoying face anymore."
"My face is fucking perfection, and you know it."
"Fine, you're hot, but you have nothing else to offer."
"Ouch." I shoot him the side-eye with a hint of a smile.
Once we finally reach the library, I find a quiet space to sit down. I take my book out of my bag, ready to read, and turn to face him. "Come on, what do you want?"
"You totally misread the situation at the bar," he states, looking me in the eyes. I raise an eyebrow at him, silently calling him out on his bullshit. "I don't see you as a challenge," he adds. "You've never said yes to me, but that's not what keeps me interested in you." His words catch me off guard. I don't often get to see this side of him.
"Then what is it?"
"I like to explore an attraction, and when that attraction is with one of my friends, then I think it would be dumb to ignore it."
"You realize I'm just not into you like that, don't you?"
"You don't have to want to marry me to find out how I fuck, Blondie."
This is what I wanted when I found Zane—something meaningless, something that could satisfy my curiosity. I should've said yes to Tobias, and maybe my heart wouldn't be broken now.
"Wow." I burst out laughing and shake my head at him. Any annoyance I had with him has vanished instantly. Tobias is simply Tobias, no matter what, and I can't help but enjoy him and his company. "You never fail to amaze me."
Tobias suddenly straightens up, looking past me, and I already know what he's seen, or more specifically, whom. I can feel Zane's presence even before I turn my face to look at him.
I quickly suppress all my emotions to play the part of someone who doesn't care about the guy standing before me, when in reality, I’m crumbling as my heart shatters into a million pieces all over again.
"Miss Walsh." He says my name as if he owns it—as if it belongs to him.
As if I belong to him.
"Can I help you, Professor?"
"A word, now."
"I'm trying to read. Can it wait?" His eyes pierce through me. His once golden eyes are now the darkest I've ever seen them.
I know that look all too well—a mix of rage and jealousy that he can't disguise. But he lost his right to me the day he let me go, so what I do and whom I spend time with have nothing to do with him.
"You've skipped class all week, and unless you want to have this conversation in front of other students, I suggest we speak privately."
I quickly glance at Tobias, whose eyes are fixed on Zane. "I'll be back in a minute."
"Take your time, beautiful." Asshole. I hate him sometimes.
I grudgingly rise from my seat in the library and trail behind Zane, trying to keep my distance. Still, his scent hits me without warning—a fleeting moment when the smell of a wood fire, gardens, and earth brings back an influx of memories, reminding me of everything I feel for him.
Finally, he arrives at a classroom door, holding it open for me as I step inside. The door clicks shut behind us, enclosing us in this little world of our own.
"Where the hell have you been?" His eyes burn with anger, and I can feel the heat of it all over my skin.
"I switched classes. I'll be with Professor Greenwood for the next couple of weeks."
"You switched classes?"
I shift my gaze away from him, trying my damn hardest to avoid eye contact. "I mean, I just assumed someone would have told you," I mutter. "I guess the communication here really is bad."
"So that's how it is."
"It has to be."
"What about him?"
"Who? Tobias?"
"Is he giving you what you no longer get from me?"
My heart races with anger as I clench my teeth tightly, struggling to keep myself composed. "Seriously?" I say, my voice dripping with rage. "You're asking me if I'm fucking him a week after I told you I was in love with you?"
"Tessa…"
"No, fuck you, Zane. Fuck you for even thinking for a second that that's who I am." It's as if a switch has been flipped inside me. The pain that I've been feeling is now replaced with an anger that's consuming me entirely. "But you know what?" I bite out, "I can be with whomever the hell I want, and you have no right to say otherwise. You rejected my heart and gave up on me, and now you think you get a say? Sorry, but it doesn't work like that."
"I have every right to a say."
I laugh out loud in shock. "Are you delusional? You have nothing. You and I are nothing."
"How can you say that?" I don't want to hurt him, but I can't stop my lips from moving as this inferno that's tearing me apart from the inside out is unleashed on him.
"Because if we were anything, you'd know better than to assume I'm the kind of girl who would fuck around while my heart is in pieces."
He lets out a long breath and wearily rubs his eyes with his hands. "Jesus, you're right. I shouldn't have said that to you." Emotion starts to overwhelm me as he softens, and I blink to stop any angry tears from falling. "I get why you're being hostile. I understand you're protecting yourself from me, but I won't do this with you. I'm not going to fight with you. I can't."
"Well, maybe I want to fight with you, Zane. Maybe I want to tell you that your whole view on love and relationships is crap," I say, my voice shaking slightly, "and that your whole self-sabotage and desperation to be unhappy come from a place that you aren't willing to share with me." He tightens his jaw as I continue. "If I'm not that girl, the one you can open up to and who makes you feel like you want to share everything with, then fine. But you need to talk to someone because the next girl you meet will deserve better." I can see the turmoil in his eyes, but I refuse to back down.
"Tessa, you don't know what I've gone through."
"Of course I don't. You never trusted me enough to tell me." As soon as the words leave my lips, I can see their impact on him. "The saddest part is that I believe you feel something, yet you let me go like I was nothing. You would rather lose me than love me, and that fucking hurts."
He starts to pace back and forth in front of me. His hands glide through his dark hair, frustration and regret etched on his face. "God, Tessa, I never asked you to fall in love with me. I told you from the start that I couldn't be that guy." My throat tightens. I try to swallow away his words, but they refuse to go down.
Let him go. He threw you away.
"You're right. I should've stopped this before I got too deeply involved. That's on me." I nod, unable to look at him. My eyes remain down, fixating on my now-trembling hands, twisting the rings on my fingers as I try to hide what this is truly doing to me. "I should've stopped it before you ever made love to me because I can't be that girl, the one who fucks without feeling. Perhaps sharing my body with you did more for me than I ever thought it would, more than I ever wanted it to, and more than what it obviously did for you."
He speaks through gritted teeth. "Don't you fucking dare do that." My words hurt him—good, because I feel like I'm dying inside. "That day meant everything to me, Tessa. Fucking everything."
"If I could take it back, I would." The tears I'm shedding for him right now aren't the ones that fall from your eyes and cover your face. They're the ones that fall from the depths of your heart and cover your soul.
"You don't mean that."
"I do, actually. I wish it hadn't been you."
My heart starts to race as he gets closer to me. As soon as I said it, I realized I'd pushed him too far. "You wanna hurt me? Go ahead. I probably deserve it." With his hands on either side of my face, I'm pinned to the door, unable to move. "But don't ever say that to me again." We stare at each other for an eternity before he continues. "What you gave me—your body, your innocence—will never leave me." He backs away slowly, his demeanor softening with each long second that passes.
"I don't have enough energy for this, Zane. I can't move on if I have to keep seeing you. Can you understand that?"
"I get it. I'm sorry." The way he looks at me, so genuinely, so full of regret and despair, makes me want to pick something up and throw it at him—a desk, a chair, myself.
The air in the room feels thick, suffocating almost. I know I can't stay here any longer, not with the way he's looking at me. I slowly turn to leave, trying to reach for the door handle, when I suddenly feel his chest press up against my back. My eyes are glued to the large wooden door in front of me, and I count the ripples in the wood—anything to avoid thinking about his close proximity and its effect on my body, specifically the place that has only ever belonged to him.
As he gets closer, I allow his body heat to penetrate my skin. His hot breath brushes my neck, making my entire body shudder. It's like he's breathing life back into me, but I know this feeling will fade. Every inch of me is vividly aware of him, and I hate it as much as I miss it.
"I know you're scared of how I make you feel because you don't want to feel anything, but right now, you're making me feel everything, and I need you to let me go, Zane."
He gently presses his lips against my hair before he backs away. I don't dare turn around. Instead, I run out of the room, searching for the air that had escaped my lungs when he was so close to me.
I need a minute.
I need a goddamn month.
Swallowing everything I'm feeling, I return to the library. I see Tobias still sitting there. Pulling my shit together, I sit down with him, trying to act as casually as I can. However, Zane wasn't subtle, and Tobias isn't stupid.
"You good?"
"Yeah. Where were we?"
"You were just about to give my ego a huge boost by telling me that this"—he points his finger between us—"only can't happen because there's someone else and not because you don't find me attractive." As our eyes lock, he runs his hand across his chiseled jaw and chuckles under his breath. "You've surprised me, Blondie. I didn't think you had it in you."
"What are you talking about?"
"Come on, don't treat me like an idiot. Whatever that was between you and Calloway felt like fucking foreplay. Hell, I think I even got hard from it." I sit here speechless, my mouth falling open in disbelief. I can feel the sweat start to break out across my body, but Tobias doesn't seem to notice or care about how uncomfortable I am. Instead, he gives me a proud nod and smirks at me. "Little Miss Innocent fucking a teacher."
"I swear to God, I will punch you in the throat if you don't keep your voice down."
"No one's around. Besides, you know you can trust me." I look at him dubiously, and he laughs, taking my hand in his. "Does it sting a little that you're picking someone else, a teacher, over me? Fuck yes. But you think you're the first to do something like this?" He shakes his head and laughs as if recalling a vivid memory.
