Poison Petals (The Broken Devotion Duet Book 2), page 17
How could he do it?
How the hell did he do it?
How did he watch me give away the kind of intimacy he would’ve killed for?
How did he stand in the background and swallow this kind of pain without breaking?
He loved me that hard.
That’s why.
He endured it because he always believed I’d come back. Because somewhere in that huge relentless heart of his, he knew we were inevitable and that no matter how much it tore him apart or how deep he had to bury it, I’d be his in the end.
And fuck—knowing that only makes this hurt worse.
The jealousy is eating me alive, but it’s the guilt that guts me. I put him through this every time I went on a date, every time I kissed someone else, and every time he watched someone else hold me while he was silent and suffering in his own personal hell.
Jesus Christ, I did that to him.
His eyes narrow, the smile gone so fast it’s like it was never there. Whatever’s written across my face must be loud as hell because he starts to rise.
I shake my head, just once, and he freezes.
I need a minute.
I need to sit in the flames I begged for.
I owe him this, even if it’s just a fraction of what he suffered.
I stay exactly where I am and watch them like I’m not two seconds away from crossing the room and slamming her face into the table just to stop her from looking at him like that again.
His black hair falls across his forehead as he leans in slightly to hear whatever the hell she’s whispering—probably begging him to shove her to the floor and let him fuck her dumb for the night.
The image alone makes my stomach tighten, but it’s nothing compared to the rage detonating behind my ribs when I watch her fingers slide into his hair. His hand snaps up in an instant, fingers wrapping around her wrist, stopping her from touching him twice—the rejection in his eyes clear from here.
It should be enough that his body recoiled, but it isn’t. It’s not even close, and my feet are already moving before my brain can catch up to this desperate need I have to get to him.
Phoenix’s face turns to mine.
Anger flashes first, then worry, then something that looks close to awe. He doesn’t know whether to haul me back from the edge or sit there and watch me jump, but I don’t give him a choice. I climb onto the table, my knees scraping the wood, glasses tipping and clattering as I crawl toward him like some feral creature. I swing myself down into his lap, and my back hits the edge of the table hard enough to make it rattle.
Then I kiss him.
Mouth to mouth.
Tongue demanding entry.
My hands fist in his hair, yanking his head back, and he groans into my mouth. He grips my hips, his fingers digging in hard enough to leave marks, and I don’t stop kissing him, making it crystal fucking clear that this man is spoken for.
“Hey!”
I don’t acknowledge the shrill voice coming from the blonde beside me because right now she doesn’t exist.
I devour him, raking my nails through his hair—because I can—trying to get closer, but not being able to is driving me out of my mind.
“Excuse me!” she shrieks again, louder this time, but we both pretend she doesn’t exist—it’s not her fault, but I don’t care.
I pull back just enough to tear my mouth away from Phoenix’s, and when I meet his gaze, it destroys me. He’s hurt. I can see it written across his face. His eyes are completely wrecked, his pupils dilated so dark they’ve nearly swallowed the silver.
“No more,” I whisper against his lips.
His large hands slide down to my ass, holding my dress in place as he stands with me wrapped around him. I lock my legs tighter around his waist as he carries me through the club, weaving through bodies that press in from all sides while the music pounds up through the floor, vibrating through my bones.
I bury my face in his neck, breathing him in, trying to anchor myself to him as my mind spins out of control. He takes the stairs two at a time and kicks open the first VIP room door. Two beautiful women are kissing on the velvet couch, hands wandering, not even blinking when we interrupt them. I reach over Phoenix’s shoulder and pull the door shut, and he moves to the next one. He kicks it open, and thankfully, this one is empty.
He places me down, turns to close the door, and when he faces me again, I can see I’m not the only one who’s angry.
“You get what you wanted?” he snaps at me, his hands braced on his hips, as if he’s trying to keep himself from reaching for me or putting his fist through the wall.
“How did you do it?” I throw my arms out because how the fuck did he do it? “You watched other men inside me and did nothing.”
He doesn’t answer, and I don’t know whether I want to punch him or collapse against him and apologize until I lose my voice.
Both.
Because right now, I’m hurting for him, but I’m also hurting because of him.
“I’m not trying to make this harder for you, Phoenix. I swear I’m not. I’m just trying to understand, and I—fuck—I can’t—”
“Feel it.” He cuts in, and my eyes snap to his. “Whatever’s tearing you apart right now, feel it. Hold it. Then let it out. Let it out on me and let it go. Because we can’t get the last ten years back, baby. And I’m sorry—fuck, I’m sorry. But I can’t fix what already happened. I can’t undo it, so I need you to feel it. Tell me, Shannen. Tell me why you’re angry.”
“She touched you.”
“What else?” He pushes, stepping closer.
“You let them touch me.”
“Keep going.”
“You watched,” I choke out, tears burning down my cheeks. “You watched, and you didn’t come for me. You thought you were punishing yourself, but you punished me too, Phoenix. I know you read those letters feeling like you weren’t worthy of me because all I ever did was release my pain on paper. But how can I ever be worthy of you now? How can I—god, Phoenix, I can’t—not after what you’ve seen. Jesus Christ, you smiled at her, and I wanted to rip her head off, and you saw—”
I’m spiraling, and he knows.
He reaches for me, and I shove at his chest—hard enough to mean it, not hard enough to make him move.
I want him close.
I want him out of my space.
Mostly, I just want what we lost.
I’m grieving the time we’ll never get back, the moments that should’ve been ours but weren’t. Years stolen by fear and pride and his self-destruction.
He pulls me against his chest, his arms wrapping around me as if he could physically hold me together, and I feel his mouth at my ear, his breath shaking.
“I see nothing but us, Shannen. No one’s ever touched you in my mind. No one but me. Do you understand me? No one else exists. Not to me. Not when it comes to you.”
His hands move to my face, trembling as they cup my jaw, tilting my head up so I can’t hide from the truth in his eyes.
“Maybe I didn’t realize it at the time—maybe I was too fucking broken to see what I was doing to you—but you’re right. You’re right, okay? I should’ve come for you. I should’ve kicked down doors and dragged you back, screaming, if that’s what it took. I should’ve fought harder against the voice in my head telling me I wasn’t good enough for you.” His forehead drops to mine, and I can feel his chest rising and falling against me as his grip tightens on my face. “But I swear to you, I only think about us. What we are and what we’re always going to be.”
“But it’s in here.” I tap my temple hard enough to hurt. “It’ll always be here.”
His eyes narrow. One second. Two. Then his mouth crashes into mine like he’s trying to erase every word I just said.
I don’t get the chance to catch my breath before he’s backing me up until the cold wall hits my spine. His hands are at my hips, sliding under my dress and finding the lace between my legs before ripping it off. He spins me around so fast my palms smack against the glass, and suddenly I’m pressed up against it, staring down at the blur of people on the other side. They have no idea what’s happening up here. They’re laughing, drinking, dancing, and living their oblivious little lives while Phoenix has my body pinned and completely under his control.
He kicks my legs apart, his hand sliding between my thighs.
“This pussy is mine,” he growls in my ear, his other hand wrapping around my throat as his tongue drags down my neck, sucking hard at my pulse. “It’s only ever been mine.”
Except it hasn’t, and I fucking hate it.
I hate that he’s wrong, and I hate that I can’t make it true.
Two fingers suddenly push inside me, and I gasp, my breath fogging the glass in front of me until the world below blurs into nothing but hazy lights and shadows.
Phoenix reaches across with his free hand and draws a heart in the condensation, the squeak of his finger against the wet glass somehow intimate in the chaos of the moment.
His lips press against my ear, his breath sending shivers down my spine.
“That heart of yours? Also mine. And I know you’ve never given it to anyone else. Not once.” His fingers curl deeper, pressing into that spot inside me that sets off tiny explosions. “So no, baby, I don’t give a fuck about anyone who came before me. I don’t want what they got—I want everything you never gave them. The one thing you never took away from me.”
He pulls his fingers out of me, and I feel the loss instantly, my body clenching around fuck all as I stand there aching for him.
I hear the rustle of his clothes behind me, and then he’s right there—gripping my hips as he pushes inside me in one slow, brutal stroke.
“Fuck—” My forehead drops against the cold glass as that one word tears out of me, part gasp, mostly needy little sob.
His fingers lace with mine, pinning my hands in place, and I moan, needing him to thrust, to move, to fuck me, anything—but he doesn’t. He just holds himself inside me, perfectly still, and with me bent over, breathless and begging, he takes his time to feel the way my body gives for him in ways it never has for anyone else.
“When I’m inside you, what do you see? What do you feel? Is it them out there? Or do you feel me?” His lips brush the shell of my ear, and his fingers tighten around mine. “Do you see my fingers wrapped around yours, or do you see men who will never mean a fucking thing to you?”
“You. Only you.”
“And all I see is us,” he says, finally moving—just a little, just enough to make me whimper.
I turn my mouth toward his, but we don’t kiss. We just hover there, breathing each other in as if the only thing we’re surviving on is each other. He starts to move, staying pressed so impossibly close it’s like we’re the same body—skin to skin, soul to soul.
“It’s us, pretty girl. Only ever us.”
His fingers squeeze mine against the glass, and when he lets go, he grabs my hips, and I feel his restraint shatter.
“You feel that, baby? The way your cunt tightens around me every time I move?”
His lips drop to my shoulder, biting down hard as he starts to wildly rut into me. He’s not just fucking me now. Every thrust is a wipe of the slate, and every snap of his hips says there’s no before him anymore.
“Let me hear it. Let me feel how much you need me.”
“Phoenix—” I moan, my body going taut as the pressure coils in my stomach.
“Fucking come for me, just for me.”
Pleasure pulses through my body, and after a few more brutal thrusts, his body goes still, filling me so fucking full I can feel him everywhere. He’s marking me from the inside out, claiming me in ways nobody else ever will and erasing everything and everyone that isn’t us.
“Mine.” He breathes against the back of my neck. “You got that now, baby?” He presses a tender kiss to my shoulder, then another to the bite mark he left. “You deserve everything, and I swear to god I’ll give it to you.”
“So do you,” I whisper, feeling his lips still dragging across my sweat-damp skin. “You deserve the world.”
He slowly pulls out of me, and I turn in his hold until we’re chest to chest, our hearts pounding. I reach up to cup his jaw, forcing him to look at me, to see me the way I’m seeing him.
“I love you, Phoenix. I love you so much it scares me.”
His breath catches, and for a second, he just stares at me like I’ve reached inside his chest and wrapped my hand around his heart.
“Say it again.”
“I love you, Phoenix Cassidy.”
“Again,” he chokes out, lifting a hand to drag his knuckles down my cheek. “Please, baby—just once more.”
“I’m so in love with you.”
His eyes go glassy with unshed tears, and then his body begins to shake as he fights to keep his shit together.
This man—this brutal, possessive, beautiful man—isn’t trembling in my arms. He’s vibrating with the effort of keeping a decade’s worth of pain and longing from tearing out of him all at once.
“I’ve waited so long to hear you say that.”
“I know you have.” I press my lips to his temple and whisper the only truth that matters anymore. “I promise I’ll never leave.”
Chapter 20
Phoenix
CAIN: I’ve been calling you for a fucking week. You’re either dead, or you’ve finally gotten your dick wet because you’ve never ghosted me this long before. I’m getting needy. Call me back, motherfucker, or I’ll pay your girl a visit.
Yeah. Cain’s dead. And the next time he has a bullet lodged in him, I’m going to dig my fingers in and twist until it’s ripping through muscle and he’s choking on his own blood.
I drag a hand down my face, exhaling hard as I glance at the redhead curled up beside me. She’s still asleep—peaceful and so fucking beautiful—and I’ve spent the last hour staring at her like a psychopath.
I force myself to move, dragging my ass out of bed, even when all I want to do is stay with her.
Fuck Cain and his shitty timing.
Fuck me for ever letting anything pull me away from her.
I head into the bathroom with my phone clenched tight in one hand, the other running through my hair. It’s still black as hell outside, but the sun will start creeping up soon.
The lights are too bright when I flip the switch, but I leave them on, staring at myself in the wall-to-wall mirror, standing in nothing but black boxer briefs. My eyes drop to the tally marks on my arm—those messed-up little trophies I can’t help but love because every single one of them is her. Each one is a moment when I was in her head, in her body, wrapped around her as if I could crawl inside her chest and make a home next to her heart. I haven’t added a mark since… Jesus, since the first time she let me touch her in her bed. I don’t need to keep score anymore because she loves me.
She fucking loves me.
It’s been a week since she said it out loud, but I knew she did. She’s always loved me. I saw it in her eyes that day behind the bleachers when we were teenagers and again in that hotel room when I slammed the door and we looked at each other like we didn’t have ten years of damage between us.
I’ve seen it every day since.
I hit call and press the phone to my ear.
“About fucking time,” Cain answers.
“What’s up?”
“I’ve missed you, baby.”
“Eat my ass. What do you need?”
“Tempting, but I’m celibate now.”
“Right…” I mutter, already calling bullshit.
“I am. No pussy in… hold on.” He pauses, and I can just imagine him counting on his fingers like a fucking toddler. “Twenty-two days.”
“Wow. That’s huge. You want a hug or something?”
“Fuck you. I dare you to go twenty-two days now that you’ve had your own little fix of pussy.”
“I love you, but if you talk about her like that again, I’ll break your jaw and fuck your mouth shut with your own dry dick.”
“Jesus Christ, you just went full psycho boyfriend on me.”
“You deserved it.”
“So it’s true. My boy’s finally a man.”
“Cain,” I mutter, already tired of him.
“I’m proud of you.”
That actually gets a laugh out of me. “Thanks… Now, did you really just miss me, or did you want something?”
“I found him.”
The words knock the breath out of me.
Him.
My old man.
The laugh dies in my throat. My hand tightens around the phone, knuckles white, while the rest of me turns to ice.
“Where?”
Cain exhales like he already knows where this is going.
“Before I tell you, I need to know your play.”
“Kill him. That’s it.”
“Yeah… that’s what I figured.” Silence hangs between us for a second. “And what about your girl?”
“She knows I won’t let it go.”
“What if you fuck it up? What if you make the wrong move because you’re too close to it?”
“I won’t.”
“You’ve got something to lose for the first time in your life, so just think about that for one second before you go full beast.”
“You know, I’d expect this talk-down from Lucien, but not from you.”
“Yeah… Well, I’ve got my own shit going on, and I don’t need to add you banged up in jail to it.”
“What’s up?”
“Nothing really. Just thinking maybe it’s time for something different. Not just for me but for Lucien too.”
“Are you in trouble?”
“Only the fun kind.”
“Okay… So where’s the bastard hiding?”
“See, that’s the reckless shit I’m talking about. You know better than to ask for details over a goddamn phone call.”
“Then send it.”
“I will, on one condition.”
“What?”
“You don’t move, not yet. You sit the fuck down, you breathe, and you go fuck your girl. You remember what it feels like to live, and when the time comes, we’ll deal with him together.”
