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  1.

  The castle of Maidstone or Maid’s Stone sat alone on a hilltop above a forest not far from a town of the same name. No doubt legend told that a maid was put to death by stoning there, or something equally horrid; in Jonathan’s experience this was usually the case. It also happened that the castle was crawling with vampires.

  He trudged after his master in the snow. Dark shapes flittered in the trees. Somewhere in the distance a wolf howled at the moon. Jonathan was cold, hungry, and miserable. But this was his usual condition.

  They met few travellers as they made their way from Dover to distant London. What purpose Judge Dee had in going there Jonathan was sure he didn’t know. The master went and Jonathan followed.

  Something darted out of the dark and chittered at them. Jonathan jumped. Judge Dee turned his austere face on him but said nothing.

  ‘What!’ Jonathan said. It wasn’t unreasonable to be scared in the dark, he thought.

  ‘It was just a squirrel,’ Judge Dee said, with a hint of disapproval in his voice.

  Jonathan shivered but said nothing. Squirrels, he thought, were just rats with pretty tails. But he didn’t say that to the judge.

  They trudged through the snow until they came upon a small village in the moonlight. It sat beyond the trees. The houses were dark and the reflected moon hovered in the ice and only one fire burned at the far end of the village. It was there that the judge and Jonathan went.

  They were somewhere between Wormshill and Nettlestead. East of Loose and south of Barming. Somewhere between Hucking and Yalding. It was that sort of place.

  As they approached the fire Jonathan could hear a hammer hammering. They moved closer and saw a man banging nails into a coffin. He turned and saw them but registered no surprise. He nodded and they approached the flames. Jonathan warmed his hands and felt grateful. The man continued in his work.

  After a time, he ceased and came to them. He was a tall, stooped man, with a long grey and white beard and dark eyes, with skin much weathered by the passing of years.

  ‘Welcome, strangers,’ he said. His voice was deep and rough, like old wood. ‘You are going far?’

  ‘To the castle yonder,’ Judge Dee said.

  ‘Maidstone?’ the coffin maker said. ‘I am finishing a job for the castle myself.’

  He gestured at the coffin.

  ‘Did someone die?’ Jonathan said.

  Both the coffin maker and the judge turned and looked at him oddly.

  ‘No,’ the coffin maker said.

  ‘Ah,’ Jonathan said.

  ‘For the master there, I presume?’ Judge Dee said.

  ‘Indeed. A custom job. Very fine. Walnut and cherry lined with the finest velvet from Arabia. Very comfortable. Very fine.’

  ‘This master, he is wealthy?’ Jonathan said.

  ‘He is a Norman,’ the coffin maker said, as though that explained it.

  ‘May I?’ the judge said.

  ‘By all means,’ the coffin maker said. He beamed with pride as the judge ran his long fingers along the inside of the coffin.

  ‘Is that a lock and key?’ the judge said.

  ‘Indeed it is, sir,’ the coffin maker said. ‘And I can tell you are a man of great taste and learning. It is an innovation, indeed it is, sir! So that the coffin may be locked from the inside, as it were.’

  ‘It is innovative,’ the judge agreed. He felt the sides. ‘This wood is strong.’

  ‘Only the finest, sir.’

  ‘You are an excellent craftsman,’ Judge Dee said.

  ‘I thank you most kindly.’

  ‘Is it far, the castle?’ the judge said.

  ‘It is over yonder, sir. Not far as the bat flies, as they say around here, nor is it far for a wolf. Yet I am but a man and prefer to travel in daylight.’

  ‘We shall press on, then,’ the judge decided.

  ‘But master!’ Jonathan said.

  ‘Yes? Jonathan?’

  ‘I am neither bat nor wolf myself,’ Jonathan said.

  The coffin maker looked at him critically. ‘Indeed you are not,’ he said. ‘Let me measure you, if you please. Just in case. You are rather rotund and would take much wood. I would suggest something cheap and durable, as befits someone of your lowly station. Here, if you would just let me—’

  ‘Lay off, man!’ Jonathan said. He pushed away from the coffin maker in alarm.

  ‘Perhaps you are right, master,’ he said. ‘Yes, yes, let us press on, as you say. No time like the present for a journey, what?’

  ‘What?’ the coffin maker said.

  ‘I said, no time like the pr— Let go! I’m still a living man!’

  Judge Dee turned his face and the light of the moon hit the fine bones of his jaw. It was possible that he smiled.

  ‘We are all of us measured for the coffin, good sir,’ the coffin maker said reproachfully. ‘For sooner or later we shall find ourselves in one. If you don’t mind me saying, I have always found great solace in this observation. It was made by my father before me, and his father before him, and my great-grandmother before him. She was a fine carpenter. She would have loved to see this latest innovation. I am sure it will soon be all the rage in Europe.’

  Jonathan nodded distractedly. He stared at the coffin. It was a ridiculous affair, he thought. Velvet and cherry wood indeed! And a lock on the inside. It was the sort of stupid thing only a vampire could have thought of. And most likely regret a moment after they had lost the key.

  ‘I bid you good night,’ he said.

  ‘Go in health,’ the coffin maker said. And he went back to his job, whistling as he hammered.

  Jonathan followed Judge Dee, and once more they went into the woods, and the dark swallowed them.

  ‘What an odd creature,’ Jonathan said.

  ‘But what a remarkable creation,’ the judge said. ‘It is almost a mechanical contraption. And did you see, he had cunningly built a hidden compartment on the inside, for the secreting of a glass of refreshment before bedtime, or something similar of that nature, I presume.’

  Jonathan looked sideways at the judge, for his master was an ascetic who loathed the display of material comforts and possession, and this hideous coffin gave even Jonathan indigestion.

  ‘It is vulgar,’ Jonathan said. He felt quite pleased with himself for finally finding occasion to use the word, which he’d only ever heard the judge use.

  ‘Yet innovative,’ the judge said, taking no notice, which admittedly did hurt Jonathan’s feelings.

  ‘It is a bad idea, this coffin,’ Jonathan said. ‘Mark my words.’

  The judge merely nodded. In short time they came out of the woods to behold the castle, a stout stone building in the Norman style. There were several watchtowers. There was a moat. That pretty much summed up Jonathan’s knowledge of architecture.

  There were also horses. Jonathan found that out by stepping into a large pile of something they had left behind.

  It was still fresh.

  He wiped his foot on the flagstones miserably.

  ‘Who goes there!’ came the cry. ‘Be you predator or prey?’

  Jonathan shivered. The voice was cold and mean and arrogant with it. In other words, a vampire’s.

  ‘I am Judge Dee,’ the judge said quietly.

  There was a short startled silence on the other side of the moat. Then the drawbridge came down.

  Judge Dee entered the castle and Jonathan followed. A small woman wearing riding gear appeared. She looked at the judge with easy familiarity.

  ‘Heard lots about you,’ she said. ‘I’m Lady Carmen. I’m afraid you’ve caught us just as we were about to set out on a hunt. We take hunting very seriously here. Would you like to come? How are your horse skills? Is that a human with you? Hello.’ She smiled at Jonathan.

  ‘Don’t be scared,’ she said. ‘I don’t bite.’

  Her long sharp teeth told a different story.

  A small and startlingly skeletal man came to join her. He too wore hunting gear.

  ‘Judge Dee,’ he said. ‘I am Odo, Earl of Maidstone and surroundings. I have been on this land since old William ceded it to me for my help in the conquest. That was a while ago, I think. I pay little attention to the world outside. Be welcome in my castle. Do you hunt? Can you handle a horse? We would welcome your company. I am famished for blood!’

  Jonathan noticed that neither earl nor lady asked why the judge was there.

  ‘I hunt only the truth,’ the judge said; a little pompously, Jonathan privately thought. But Odo, Earl of Maid

stone (and surroundings), nodded thoughtfully, and Lady Carmen clapped her hands in delight as though the judge had said something both profound and witty.

  ‘Sometimes the fall kills you. And sometimes, when you fall, you fly!’ she said.

  ‘What?’ the judge said.

  ‘It is a whatchamacallit, an aphorism,’ Lady Carmen said. ‘You know, a pithy observation which contains a general truth.’

  ‘But that’s ridiculous,’ Jonathan said. ‘If you fall you don’t fly. You’re not a bird. Unless it’s advice for birds. But that’s a terrible piece of advice for people. It is categorically unsound.’

  ‘Not if you’re a vampire,’ Odo said, not unreasonably. ‘Vampires can fly.’

  ‘Whatever it is you’re scared of doing, do it!’ Lady Carmen said. She seemed determined – Jonathan had to give her that.

  ‘What if you’re scared of snakes because they’ll kill you?’ Jonathan said. ‘What if you are scared of drinking milk because your body reacts unfavourably to milk, and will k—’

  ‘Kill you, yes,’ Odo said. He nodded thoughtfully. ‘The young chap is right,’ he said. ‘I would be rather scared of sharpened stakes, for instance, or villagers, but it would be most idiotic to go and play around with them, do you know.’

  ‘But it sounds so wise,’ Lady Carmen said.

  Judge Dee said nothing, and looked sorry he had ever delivered that line about truth.

  ‘Ah, Stefan,’ Lady Carmen said. A third figure approached, pulling two horses behind him. He was a tall gaunt man, also a vampire, but evidently a social class or two lower than the others. His clothes were clearly worn for work and not for show, and they had a threadbare, faded look about them.

  ‘I brought the horses,’ he said.

  ‘We shall ride! What fun!’ Lady Carmen said, clapping.

  ‘What do you hunt?’ the judge said. He spoke softly but his voice carried.

  ‘Only servants,’ Odo said carelessly.

  ‘Bring the servants!’ roared Lady Carmen.

  Several servants shuffled into the courtyard. They looked more resigned than scared. Two of them were chamber girls, one a hunchback cook, one a farm hand, and the last a valet. Or so they seemed to Jonathan. None of them looked very well. There was a pallor to their skin and their eyes were wan.

  ‘We’re here,’ the valet, who was youngest, said sullenly.

  ‘He’s mine,’ Lady Carmen said with glee. She glanced at Odo.

  ‘You can have the hunchback,’ she said.

  ‘I always get the hunchback!’ Odo said. But he didn’t argue. It occurred to Jonathan that Lady Carmen was not a person one usually picked an argument with.

  ‘Send out the servants!’ Lady Carmen roared.

  Stefan, the tall vampire, shooed the servants to the open gate. They walked listlessly over the moat bridge and into the woods.

  ‘After them!’ Lady Carmen roared.

  Odo smiled, showing long, needle-like teeth that made Jonathan shiver.

  ‘Let the Wild Hunt start!’ he screamed. Then he turned into a bat and flew clumsily after the servants. Lady Carmen and Stefan climbed the horses. Once over the moat, Lady Carmen looked back.

  ‘Are you coming?’ she said.

  The judge shook his head. Lady Carmen shrugged, then melted into the darkness of the woods.

  ‘What odd creatures they are,’ the judge said.

  ‘Master?’ Jonathan said.

  ‘Yes, Jonathan?’

  ‘Why did we come here? I mean…’ Jonathan took a deep breath. A scream came from the wood, but it was muted, like the person who emitted it didn’t really feel very strongly about what was happening. ‘Has there been a crime? They did not seem to expect you. Or care that you are here at all.’

  ‘Indeed, Jonathan…’ the judge murmured. ‘They expressed no curiosity. Isn’t that, in itself, curious?’

  ‘I don’t understand.’

  ‘That,’ the judge said, ‘is plain to see. Come. Let us find a shelter from the night.’

  ‘Yes, master,’ Jonathan said. And he trudged after the judge into the castle.

  2.

  The castle of Maidstone or Maid’s Stone was draughty, the stone walls cold to the touch and covered in slimy moss. Rats darted through holes in the masonry. Jonathan’s feet crunched small bones. It was a typical vampire dump, Jonathan thought unkindly. Two small shadows materialised at the end of the corridor.

  ‘Boo!’ they said in unison.

  Jonathan jumped. He emitted an unseemly scream. The two small figures giggled. Judge Dee frowned.

  ‘That is unbecoming,’ he said.

  ‘Sorry, Master Dee,’ the two said in unison.

  Jonathan stared at the two figures. They were near identical and childlike, though their eyes were old, far older than any child’s, and when they smiled – again, in unison – they revealed small sharp white teeth set behind lips stained red with blood. Jonathan shuddered. He hated vampire children.

  ‘Who turned you?’ Judge Dee said severely. He did not approve of child vampires, either.

  ‘We never knew our mother-in-darkness,’ the two vampires said. ‘But she was very pretty.’

  Jonathan also hated stupid expressions like ‘mother-in-darkness’. The judge said, ‘Name yourselves.’

  ‘I am Erzsebet,’ the child on the left said. ‘This is Margarit.’

  ‘No, I’m Erzsebet,’ the child on the right said. ‘You’re Margarit.’

  The two of them giggled again.

  ‘Please follow us,’ the one on the left said. ‘Would you care for refreshments? We have fresh midwife blood, or farmer’s infusion, which is quite robust, with hints of elderberry.’

  ‘Jonathan,’ the judge said. ‘Do you require food?’

  The two child vampires looked disdainfully at Jonathan.

  ‘There is some servant food in the kitchen,’ they said.

  ‘Then fetch it,’ the judge said.

  They arrived in the common room of the castle. Jonathan was grateful to see a fire burning. He plonked himself down beside it.

  ‘Why are we here again, master?’ he said. The two awful children had vanished. The judge sat down. A servant appeared furtively with a plate of food, placed it beside Jonathan, and withdrew. Jonathan stared in appreciation at the chicken carcass. He nibbled politely on a chunk of cheese.

  A glass of something red materialised in the judge’s hand. Judge Dee sipped and nodded.

  ‘Elderberry notes, indeed,’ he said.

  It was near dawn by the time Jonathan went to his bed. It was always near dawn when Jonathan went to his bed. The judge had vanished, as he always did. Jonathan never knew where he slept, if he even slept at all. Around Jonathan the sounds of the castle gradually grew faint. The hunt had returned late, the Lady Carmen flushed of cheek and the taciturn Stefan more talkative. Apparently, he had spotted a great wild boar in the wood and pursued it in vain, and he thought it must be an omen, an indication that the god Moccus was abroad. Jonathan knew that some of the old vampires still worshipped gods long forgotten in the world of people. Jonathan did not particularly believe in pig-gods. He was just sad the wild boar remained at large, for Jonathan was exceedingly fond of chops and ribs.

  Only the lord of the castle, Odo, remained in doleful countenance on their return, even as he licked his lips clean of blood. The twin girls were nowhere to be found, and the vampires had little of interest to offer in the way of conversation. It was evident to Jonathan that, as was common in the way of vampires holed up together in one place for an extended period of time, they all hated each other. Stefan, a Celt, clearly resented the lord and lady of the castle and his own lowly position. Lady Carmen seemed to loathe both her male companions and to rule the castle in everything but name. As for her nominal master, Odo, the man was like a walking cadaver, with the disposition to match. Jonathan had met such vampires before. They were as cheery as the plague.

  He snuggled deeper into his thick blanket. He was given an adequate room in the servants’ quarters, and a small coal fire still burned. He was warm, safe, and his stomach was full. He stretched out his legs and sighed with relief.

  Two monstrous figures appeared above him, eyes red and fangs extended.

  ‘Boo!’ they said.

  Jonathan screamed.

  The twins giggled, and then they were gone.

  Somewhere outside, the sun rose, and the living world awakened. For those hours of daylight, at least, there were no vampires. Jonathan rolled on his side. The coals in the fireplace died, but slowly, and the heat lingered on, until he slept.

 

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