Now I See You, page 1
TRIGGER WARNING
This book includes references and descriptions of domestic abuse and child sexual abuse that some readers may find distressing. Please practice self-care whilst reading.
© Lauren Trevan 2022. All rights reserved.
Instagram: @ltrevan_author
First published in October 2022
by Laneway Press
Re-published 2023 by Lauren Trevan
www.lanewaypress.com.au
info@lanewaypress.com.au
The right of Lauren Trevan to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by them in accordance with the Copyright Amendment
(Moral Rights) Act 2000.
All rights reserved. The authors retain moral and legal rights. This book is copyright. Apart from any fair dealing for the purposes of study, research, criticism or review, as permitted under the Copyright Act 1968, no part of this book may be produced by any process without written permission. Inquiries should be addressed to the publisher.
The characters in this book are fictitious and any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
A catalogue record for this book is available from the National Library of Australia
www.trove.nla.gov.au
Cover Design & layout: Working Type
Cover Photography: Elizabeth Harrington
ISBN:978-0-646-88715-9 (print)
978-0-646-8836-4 (epub)
To all victims and survivors of domestic and child sexual abuse.
Your voice matters. You are worth so much more than how you have been treated. I believe you.
Gerard, Taylor and Harvey, I love you infinitely.
And to all those teachers who helped me navigate the in-between.
Contents
Spring 2003
Winter 2004
Spring 2004
Summer 2005
Autumn 2005
Spring 2006
Autumn 2007
Winter 2007
Spring 2007
Summer 2008
Winter 2009
Spring 2009
Summer 2009
Autumn 2010
Winter 2010
Spring 2010
Summer 2010
Winter 2012
Spring 2013
Autumn 2014
Spring 2014
Winter 2015
Autumn 2016
Winter 2016
Spring 2016
Summer 2016
Autumn 2017
Winter 2017
Spring 2017
Summer 2017
Autumn 2018
Winter 2018
Spring 2018
Summer 2018
Winter 2019
Spring 2019
Autumn 2020
Acknowledgements
Spring 2003
I wasn’t meant to be here.
My knuckles white, gripping the bungy cord as we rose higher. For one long, terrifying moment, I lost sight of the horizon before the boat smacked down between the waves. Salty water spattered over me, invading my nostrils and mouth, and I bounced uncomfortably on the trampoline. But I didn’t care. I threw back my head in glee, exploding with laughter as my friend, Carrie, scrambled to regain her grip.
“You ladies hang on tight, won’t you?” called Julian, our skipper, flashing us a smile. Even though we only met Julian this morning on the catamaran, it was like we’d been friends for years. He made us feel welcome, part of the team. Now, his smile broadened as Carrie and I continued to flail around, struggling to keep our balance on the trampoline. All the while, he stood steadily, steering the boat along the coastline like it was the easiest thing on earth.
But I wasn’t meant to be here. I should have been having lunch with Matt, celebrating our three-year anniversary. He called last night, saying, “Sorry babe. I know I promised, but I have an assignment due Monday and they offered me an extra shift at the pub.” Blah blah blah … I’d stopped listening. His excuses were getting old. He was studying agriculture at a university that was a three hour drive away, working towards saving the planet by implementing sustainable farming techniques. “I’m doing this for us babe,” he told me, saying it was all part of our dream future together. Fat lot of good that did me now.
I should be glad he was so focused, but it had been a hard six months without him. At the beginning, we were both so eager to make long-distance work. He promised he’d be home most weekends. But he hadn’t been home for three weekends in a row, and now, he cancelled on our anniversary.
When I arrived at my six am shift this morning at Kendall’s Bakery, Carrie took one look at my face and said, “What’s his excuse this time?”
“Matt has to work.” I avoided her gaze as I tied the knot on my apron. “And he has an assignment due.”
Carrie patted me on the shoulder and started filling the cabinet with baked treats.
“I booked Marshall’s ages ago,” I said. “What a waste.” I picked up a tray of sourdough rolls and started stacking the shelf. “Hey, why don’t you and I go to lunch? I’ve wanted to go there forever.”
“Oh, I’d love to,” Carrie said, “but I’m going sailing at Rochford.” She cocked her head. “Why don’t you come with me?”
My eyebrows rose. Despite growing up in the rural coastal town of Darvo River, I had never sailed before. Carrie always came to work with crazy sailing stories, telling me how fun it was. What did I have to lose? I’d take any distraction from Matt at this point.
So after our four-hour shift, we headed to Rochford Sailing Club, and before we knew it, we were sailing out of the river mouth into the ocean.
Not much was required of us on the boat, so Carrie and I bounced around on the trampoline while the crew went about winding ropes and changing sails at Julian’s command.
“Is it normally this rough?” I called to Luke, one of the crew.
Luke threw me a goofy smile. “You ain’t seen nothin’ yet! Don’t worry, we’ll make sure nothing happens to you. Julian’s the best of the best. Just sit back and enjoy the ride.”
I glanced over at Carrie. Even though she kept a firm grip on the bungy, Carrie was glowing. There was a contented calmness I had not previously seen in my perpetually busy friend. It was clear how much it meant to her to be back on the water. She had grown up sailing but stopped when she got pregnant at nineteen.
I was nineteen and couldn’t imagine being pregnant now. But Carrie had taken it all in her stride. Now at twenty-nine, she had returned to university to complete her Bachelor of Business. It was a wonder how she managed it all: working at Kendall’s Bakery, studying, wrangling children, staying fit, keeping her house showroom tidy and now, taking up sailing again. I’d never seen her look so happy.
I echoed her smile. Something about this experience was making me feel more alive. Life had become a cycle of balancing work, study and a long-term relationship. The ease and joy of high school seemed a distant memory, where I spent afternoons surfing with friends or downing milkshakes at the surf club. I had not realised my life lacked excitement until now, out at sea, where all my synapses seemed to be firing in sensory overload.
My attention was pulled to a flock of sea birds, fluttering metres above the water. They took turns dive bombing what I assumed were bait fish. They squawked and screeched as they darted amongst each other in semi-organised chaos.
But amidst the tumult at sea, there was a calmness, too. The whoosh of the wind picking up a sail. Waves smashing between the hulls. Figures and cars dotted the shoreline, but they seemed a world away. Gone was the everyday hustle and bustle of life; I existed now in a simpler space, where moving forward was at its most primitive. A piece of cloth and a float, essentially. I marvelled at its simplicity and complexity.
“How do you two like it so far?” The skipper, Julian, lowered himself to sit at Carrie’s side. He looked in his late twenties and was a solid brick of a man, built like a rugby forward, standing just taller than me. Normally, I was attracted to taller guys, but his smile grabbed my attention. It was the smile of a Hollywood movie star; white and gleaming on a tanned face.
I turned to see Luke at the helm. His lanky build and toothy grin was a stark contrast to Julian’s rugged appeal.
“I’ve missed this so much!” Carrie said.
“What about you … Jess is it?” Julian directed his warm smile at me, causing another neuron flourish.
“This is my first time,” I said. He raised his eyebrows, which made me unaccountably giddy. “It’s far better than I ever imagined.” I had barely even thought about Matt since I boarded, for one thing.
“We might see a sailor in you yet.” Julian said, and my stomach leaped at the prospect.
Later, Julian pulled the boat into the mooring so masterfully I didn’t notice we were docked at first. I stepped onto the stationary jetty, soggy and cool. It took a few seconds for my legs to notice I was not on a moving boat anymore.
Luke walked towards us. “Okay, time to put you two to work. Jess, follow me to the bow and hold this rope for a minute.” I did as instructed, watching as the others packed away the sails. Luke disappeared to show Carrie to the stern. I’d never noticed what a bustling marina this was. There were people and boats everywhere, but it all appeared to work seamlessly.
Julian approached me, his lips spread broad, showing his perfect smile. “Let me show you what to do with this.” He took the rope from my hand and gently wrapped it around a metal cleat on the jetty. “Now you try.”
&
When he was done, he didn’t immediately let go of my hands. He leaned closer to my face, causing a tiny flutter in my chest. “So, what do you think? Are you sold?”
For a moment, I thought about how this day would have played out if Matt hadn’t cancelled on our anniversary lunch. It didn’t last. “Absolutely.”
I sat cross legged on my bed, opening and closing my flip phone, undecided on whether to make the call. Matt had left two messages of apology today.
I’m sorry babe, I should have been there x
I was still angry he let me down but I wasn’t going to ignore him forever, so I opened the phone and called him.
“Hey babe,” Matt said. “I’m glad you’ve called me back. I’m so sorry about yesterday.” He took a deep breath. “That was a shit thing to do. I should have just blown the shift and handed the assignment in late.”
“It’s okay,” I said. “I understand.” I fiddled with the threads of my cut-off denim skirt. “I was just looking forward to Marshall’s. And I really want to see you. It felt crappy, that’s all.”
“No, it’s not okay, babe. I love you so much. I should have come. I was stressed about rent and my results. You know. Wondering if it’s all worth it …” His voice trailed off.
“Of course it’s all worth it, Matt. This is your passion. It’s everything you’ve dreamed of.” My shoulders sagged; all my anger had dissolved. I wanted to reach through the phone and hug him.
“I just miss all our friends. And I miss you and my family.” His voice was quiet. “It’s feeling hard at the moment.”
I felt a pang of guilt. “I miss you too.”
“I promise I’ll make it up to you.”
I smiled, even though he couldn’t see it. “Well, the whole day wasn’t a total waste.” I told him about the day spent sailing with Carrie at Rochford Sailing Club. I didn’t mention Julian, the skipper with the nice smile. The omission bothered me, but I couldn’t reason why.
“I’m thinking of doing a course and joining the club.” I waited for a negative response. He was responsible with money and had made so many sacrifices for our future. But it’s not like I didn’t do my part. On top of weekend shifts at the bakery, I worked part time at Darvo Animal Hospital whilst studying veterinary nursing. The money was not great, but it was fine while I was still at home with Mum and Dad. Still, I felt a tad guilty spending money on hobbies when he struggled to pay his rent.
To my surprise, he sounded interested. I told him the cost and what was involved. “Once I’m a member, I can get involved in the evening social races and formal regattas.”
“Well, I’m glad someone will have a good time.”
I bristled at the sarcasm. “It’s not all beer and skittles here, you know!”
“You sound like your dad.” His voice lightened again.
I laughed despite myself. I did sound like Dad.
“Seriously … I’m happy for you,” he said. “A little jealous, that’s all. Have you caught up with anyone from school?”
We had a close bond with our group from school. All of us tried hard to maintain it despite many splitting off in different directions to follow their dreams. I still caught up every week with my best friend, Rose, and some others at Darvo Surf Club.
“Yeah, most of us were at the club Thursday.”
“Cool. I wish I could have come.” I heard longing in his tone.
“I know. Me too.”
“Hey sorry, babe. My shift starts in ten, I better hit the road. I promise I will make it up to you soon. Love you.”
“I love y–” He hung up before I could finish.
I sighed. This long-distance relationship deal was harder than I ever imagined.
We were sipping on wine spritzers after our first official race as crew members. Now, Carrie and I stood on the balcony at Rochford Sailing Club, watching as the sun dipped over the headland past the centre of town.
The marina was a flurry of action as people cleaned and locked up the last of the vessels before nightfall. There was always something happening in this stretch of the river and Rochford sat in prime position to view it all. No wonder the restaurant attached to it got away with charging exorbitant prices, boasting the best view in town.
I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face. The race had been a success, but even if it hadn’t, it didn’t matter. It wasn’t about winning or losing. There was something about being out on the water and returning to the dock with sinuses clear, face sticky from sea spray and licking the salty residue off my lips. I felt alive.
“I’m getting chilly,” Carrie said. “Should we head inside?”
I nodded and we walked towards the bar, where the room was a hum with music and members sprawled about, chatting about the race. Friendly banter could be heard as we passed different groups. I loved the inside of the club almost as much the view outside. The white-washed floorboards and wood panelled walls had an elegant but beachy feel, completely different to the daggy old surf club. I’d gone there less since I joined Rochford. I missed my old friends, but the surf club made me miss Matt more.
While Carrie refilled our drinks, I strolled around the room, checking out the club photos spread on the walls. Most faces I didn’t recognise, but there were a few I did. I found myself drawn to Julian, who featured in many, proudly holding trophies, Luke often by his side. He must have been a member for years, as there were photos of him at around my age, maybe younger. Since then, a few lines had appeared, and his physique had thickened, but his smile remained the same.
My eyes lingered until Carrie distracted me by handing me another wine spritzer.
The music stopped.
“Can I have everyone’s attention please?” Julian stood on the stage next to the bar. He held a Peroni stubbie in one hand and ran his other hand through his dark hair.
Everyone gathered closer and quietened.
His voice was loud and confident; no need for a microphone. “On behalf of our club president, Mr Crowlers, I would like to take this opportunity to officially welcome our newest members to Rochford Sailing Club.” He lifted his drink to his lips and took a long gulp before continuing. He had the room. No need to hurry.
He continued: “Seven people have successfully completed our sailing course over the last three weeks and tonight, two are here proving how much they’ve learnt by crewing for me in the third of the friendly series.” He cleared his throat and gestured to Carrie and me. I flushed, trying to ignore the many pairs of eyes looking our way.
“These ladies were fantastic aboard tonight, with almost no mistakes.” I turned redder remembering I had headed to the wrong block and tackle before Luke rescued me, steering me in the right direction. I had dipped my head in embarrassment for my petty mistake, but Julian had laughed it off. He had lowered his sunglasses to shoot a wink in my direction, his dark eyes momentarily blocking a chest valve.
“I would like everyone to make an effort to introduce yourselves to Carrie and Jess tonight.” He slugged his beer. “Now, can everyone please raise their glasses. Cheers to Carrie and Jess!” He drained the rest of his beer and stepped off the stage.
“Your face has gone bright red,” Carrie said, chuckling.
“You’re one to talk,” I said. “Go find a mirror. That was so embarrassing.”
A woman approached us. She wore a warm smile that reminded me of Mum’s. Nothing fake about it. “Hi, I’m Bridget Smith.” She shook hands with both of us. “Welcome to Rochford.” After we introduced ourselves, Bridget dived into stories of who’s who within the club, pointing out members as she went. “That’s my husband, Oliver.” She pointed to an older man with a serious face chatting in a group with Julian, Luke and a few others. “And over there is Rhonda and Frank. They’re second generation members. Big contributors to the club … a lot of dough to flash about.” She rubbed her thumb and index finger together.
“That’s Sarah and Tony Robinson over there.” She pointed towards a man and woman I assumed to be in their late twenties. Sarah’s hand rested on her back as if to hold the spinal curve caused by her enormous belly. “I’m surprised she’s here, she’s due any day. And, of course, you know Julian.” I followed her finger, pointing towards Julian. He was laughing with Luke again, his arm slung over an attractive twenty-something blonde.
