Darkness to Light, page 19
It was Bunim/Murray Productions, which produced Keeping Up with the Kardashians and Khloé & Lamar. They wanted to do another show, titled Rebound. It would be about my life after death and how I would make it back. They were ready to cut a $200,000 check up front. Greg came over to my house and dropped the news.
“The money is there,” said Greg. “But there’s one condition.”
“What’s that?” I asked.
“I don’t want to have anything to do with you unless you go to rehab. Thirty days. It has to be now.”
But rehab is expensive. This discreet facility in San Diego was going to cost $100,000. Sobriety ain’t cheap. To pay for it, a show called The Doctors agreed to cover the cost in exchange for an exclusive interview before and after I left rehab. They shot the “before” interview at Greg’s house. The next day, Greg drove me to Casa Palmera in San Diego. I checked in for alcohol, drug, and sex addiction. It’s a beautiful, expansive campus where they pamper you and treat you like royalty. But you’re not allowed to have a cell phone, even though I was able to hook up a burner phone so I could keep in contact with people. A few days after I checked in, there was a friends and family day. Greg, Liza, Destiny, and Lamar Jr. all showed up.
It was going well and everyone was happy that I was getting the help I needed. The doctors and specialists discussed my history and explained how my addictions manifested and stemmed from my need to self-medicate. I spent Christmas and New Year’s there. I did the full thirty days, and then Greg picked me up. I felt healthy and refreshed in a way I’d never felt before. I thought then that I was gonna be all right. When I got in the car, Greg handed me $50,000 in cash as part of the payment from Bunim/Murray Productions—$50K feels heavy in your hands. Then we got the hell out of there.
A few days later, my friends organized a welcome home party for me at The Lobster, my favorite restaurant in Santa Monica. Everyone was there. Luke Walton. My old teammate Brian Shaw. Keyon Dooling. People from Queens. Greg and his wife. It was an amazing night and I felt truly loved.
THE LAST CHAPTER
Joseph. That name. That is my middle name. That was my father’s name. He got it from his father. It is the most important thing I have. It informs who I have been and who I am. My father’s son.
Joseph.
I am who I am. I cannot undo who I am. I am ultimately thankful for who I am.
I look at my life now.
I can see the future. I can see where I’ve been. I can see the people I love.
Greg is still married, with four kids. He’s doing well. I remember when I first met him in a gym in Queens. We became teammates and best friends.
Sonny and Pam Vaccaro are still together. They live in Malibu. He spends his days fighting the NCAA. He still cooks every night. Ask him about his pasta Bolognese.
Khloé and her boyfriend, NBA star Tristan Thompson, welcomed their first child into the world. I am happy for them. She will be an amazing mother.
Liza lives in New York with Destiny and Lamar Jr. She has been my rock through it all. I still remember her pretty face from homeroom freshman year.
Destiny will be twenty-one soon. She wants to be a dancer.
Lamar Jr. is six feet three. He is quiet, polite, and respectful. He has none of his father’s habits.
Gary Charles lives with his family in Long Island. He is still involved with the Panthers and works in New York’s financial district.
Taraji is the star of Empire, one of the best shows on television. She is still a perfect example of black womanhood.
Tavorris Bell lives in Atlanta, Georgia. He works at a publishing company. He often visits his seventeen-year-old daughter in Miami. I regularly bust his ass in NBA 2K.
Jerry DeGregorio, Poppa D, is an assistant coach with women’s basketball at Clemson.
Aunt JaNean still lives at 131st and Linden. She’s as feisty as ever. She’s still Aunt JaNean.
Joseph, my father, lives in Brooklyn, not far from the Wood-side Houses where he met my mother forty-one years ago. I talk to him once a week.
As for me, I’m still an addict. I still struggle. Some days I don’t want to get out of bed. Some days I feel like the world and everything in it is mine. I still have my sense of humor. I can still see the bright side.
I’m hopeful. I’m determined. I am fierce. I am blessed. I am a force. I am humbled.
But mostly, I’m still figuring out who I am. I’m in a good place. I love the journey I’m on, and it’s nowhere near done.
I will not go into the darkness. Ever again. I remember Grandma Mildred. I crave the light. I went from the darkness to the light. I died. And now I live. It is truly a gift. I still struggle. Pray for me because I will pray for you. If you see me, come up and say hello. Every person I meet is a light. Every smile, kind word, beautiful gesture is something that will keep me from the darkness.
I’ve never been truly able to express how I feel about the fans. You know what? Not fans. Just friends I’ve never met. I’ve been as low as a person can go. But you never let me fall. You kept me from the pit of despair. Your love saved my life even if I’ve never met you. Your spirit is with me. Thank you. Your love has been a light that has never gone out. These pages must show.
One day I will meet my mother again. I will tell her about my life, and I will ask her about hers. I will hold her as she once held me. I will tell her I tried to be kind to everyone. Just like she told me to be the last time I talked to her. I will tell her that Mookah did his best.
I will hug my mother and I will cry. I won’t ask why. I will tell her that I kept our room clean. I was tall and handsome and polite. Just like she wanted her boy to be. I hope she still loves me. I will tell her that I love her. I will hug my mom.
But not yet.
I am thirty-nine.
This is where I was born.
This is where she died.
I can close my eyes and still see it.
I will die.
But I will not die today.
I will not go into that sweet good night.
Not yet.
I made it this far.
I have lived to tell.
I am Lamar Joseph Odom.
And I am alive.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
First, I would like to thank God for the opportunity to tell the story of my life. It has been an incredible journey filled with amazing people, as these pages will show. Thank you to one of the most loyal, trustworthy women to ever come into my life, the mother of my children, Liza Morales. You have been more than patient, forgiving, and understanding when it came to my wild ways. I didn’t deserve your love, but you gave it to me nonetheless. My children Destiny Odom and Lamar Jr., whom I love unconditionally. They loved me despite my absence from their lives at times, and there’s no love that I can give like the love I get from them.
I want to thank my mother, Cathy Mercer. Not a day goes by without me thinking about you. Each day I realize how much you gave me in such a short time. I wish you could see the man I am today. Your granddaughter, Destiny, looks more like you every day. I know you’re in heaven holding Jayden’s hand. My grandmother, your mother, Mildred Mercer, kept my spirit intact when you went away, and she will forever be a piece of my soul.
Thank you to Aunt JaNean, who is the last connection I have to my mother and grandmother.
There have been so many people who have helped shape my basketball experience over the last three decades, including Gary Charles, Jerry DeGregorio, Sonny Vaccaro, Jeff Schwartz, Rob Johnson, Tom Konchalski, and Jim Harrick.
Much love for the hundreds of teammates I got to call my brothers. Kobe Bryant, from whom I learned everything about competing and giving yourself to the game. I tried my best to keep that Mamba Mentality whenever we stepped on the floor together. You are my brother for life.
Pau Gasol, Dwyane Wade, Rasual Butler, Speedy Claxton, Ira Miller, Darius Miles, Quentin Richardson, Elton Brand, Ron Artest, and Tavorris Bell are some of the best brothers I’ve ever had.
I was fortunate enough to have great teachers in Phil Jackson, Pat Riley, and Alvin Gentry. They not only taught me what it means to be a well-rounded player but also what it means to be a man. Thank you to Jeanie Buss for her kindness and compassion.
To Khloé Kardashian, the love of my life. I wish I could have been a better man. Thank you to the entire Kardashian family for embracing me and giving me an incredible kind of love. I will always be “Lammy.”
No man takes a journey by himself, and I’ve had some great people to accompany me along the way: James “Dollar” Gregory, Lara “Cake” Manoukian, Greg Nunn, Joseph Odom, Curt Smith, George “Boss” Revas, Ian Dominic, Alley Cat, and Big John.
Thank you all for being part of my journey.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
LAMAR ODOM is a two-time NBA champion, former Sixth Man of the Year, and thirteen-year NBA veteran. He was a regular cast member on E!’s worldwide sensation Keeping Up with the Kardashians, the highest-rated reality show in history. He also starred in the popular spin-off Khloé & Lamar, which documented one of the most famous marriages in recent Hollywood memory. He calls Queens home but lives in Los Angeles.
CHRIS PALMER is a longtime sportswriter who covered the National Basketball Association for twenty years for ESPN The Magazine and all of ESPN’s digital platforms. He is currently a contributor for ESPN’s The Undefeated, Spectrum SportsNet, as well as various other outlets. He’s the author/contributor of six books, including Wide Open, the New York Times bestselling autobiography of Supercross champion Jeremy McGrath. He lives in Los Angeles.
Lamar Odom, Darkness to Light
