Dark, page 6
Still, Ruslan intervened to protect me, not possess me, like Kazimir was so plainly trying to do. Their fight had been brutal, though not as brutal as it could have been. Ruslan absorbed a knife in his side like it was nothing, then stood, still ready to fight if only to see no harm come to me. If it hadn’t been for Viktor and Vadim corralling Kazimir, one of them would have ended up dead.
Stabbing Ruslan with a knife hidden on his person during a feast to celebrate peace was not the way to win me back, and it was totally out of character for the male who’d rescued me from the cave in Vasvain, the highest peak in Északi.
Had he gone so mad from loss that it warped his mind?
Grief and anger were intimately intertwined, dancing together as they skewed all sense of reason, space, and time. While my grief had turned into a thirst for vengeance, Kazimir’s had morphed into something oily and sinister.
How would he have reacted if I’d finished my words and told him that I loved Ruslan?
I was too exhausted to think any longer. I turned my head to plait my hair, then winced as soreness from Kazimir’s rough grip bloomed. I healed that too. The past two days had been a whirlwind of emotion, and more tension only awaited over the coming days.
Would the discord between them suck all the oxygen from any room where they were together?
And then there was the matter of uniting the realms. Ruslan didn’t need my help – didn’t want my help – until after I’d made my choice. The reality stung like a whip across my back, and it didn’t occur to me until that moment how much I didn’t know what I truly wanted out of life. I’d spent so long only thinking of the next moment, the next problem, that I hadn’t considered what lay beyond solving them, especially what came after choosing between Kazimir and Ruslan.
Did Ruslan fear that I would oppose his goals if I did not choose him?
I was a Félvér, half Angel and half Night Fae with a hint of Crystal and Day, and I wanted to be accepted as I was.
Would my friends look at me the same once they knew?
My head throbbed as a barrage of questions pounded against the inside of my skull, and I shook it in an attempt to silence my inner thoughts. The white-knuckle grip I held over my emotions was all I could do for the moment because I needed to survive the next two weeks, figure out who the fuck my mate was, and then possibly destroy the world in the process.
No big deal.
Except, it was, and the thought itself nearly sent me into a panic attack. The room swam before me, and my breath caught in my chest. I gripped the counter beneath me with that same intensity, trying to force stillness where there was only chaos.
Too much too much too much.
I was suffocating; there wasn’t enough air.
I can’t I can’t I can’t.
My body was simultaneously freezing and sweating, and I wasn’t sure if it was tears or perspiration that dripped down my cheeks.
No no no no no no…
I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to force the tidal wave of overwhelm back into its typically tightly locked box.
But my inner voice screamed one phrase over and over again until I felt like it would deafen me.
I was not okay.
A truth I’d been hiding from myself, only accentuated when both males stood before me. The pressure of it all crashed over me, forcing my head underwater and drowning me.
I was shaking uncontrollably, and an anguished cry left my lips of its own accord.
“Sprite?” Ruslan was by my side in an instant, filling my nostrils with his cedarwood scent. I opened my eyes to see the panic in his own, and without thought, I reached for him, needing his warmth and comfort.
“What’s wrong?” he asked gently against my hair, smoothing it down my back in soothing strokes.
“I-I-I’m not okay,” I stuttered out through sobs that felt like they would never end.
How could I have thought I had a handle on this?
His arms tightened around me, providing pressure, warmth, and stability to my unmoored state.
Sobbing, hiccuping, gasping, the waves of emotion crashed through me, and I panted out everything I was feeling, needing to free myself from the burden of my thoughts. “I can’t do this. I’m so scared. Why is this happening to me? I don’t want - I don’t want this. I can’t, I can’t… It’s all so much. The choice. The feelings. I don’t want to feel anymore. I’ve hurt so much for so long, why is this my life? Why can’t it be easy? Haven’t I suffered enough?”
Ruslan said nothing, allowing me the space I needed to feel.
But I didn’t want to feel, not when every emotion was like a stab to my soul, more painful than any whipping I’d ever received.
“Please, make it stop… I hurt so badly.” My voice cracked and shuddered as I begged someone, anyone, to hear me and do something about it. Because I was not okay, and I was powerless to it.
Grief burst from the depths of my pain, so acute that it was as if someone stuck their finger in the raw wounds that had once flayed open my back, and twisted it.
I grieved for the loss of my friends – Kriztof’s jokes, Zekari’s kindness, Kirigin’s silliness.
I grieved for the loss of Cazius, who treated me with nothing but the utmost respect.
I grieved for my mother and her suffering at the hands of King Zalan.
I grieved for Ithuriel, my father who lost his wings for wanting to be with his mate.
I grieved for Ruslan, forced to fight and kill for his place at the Iron Realm.
But most of all, I grieved for myself.
For growing up without love and safety. For doing what I had to do to survive the cave. For my identity and power being stripped from me. For not knowing my name or what I looked like until I left. For believing everything I was told because Kazimir showed me kindness for the first time in my life. For a life filled with one impossible decision after another.
I was not okay.
My empath magic had opened up a rawness in me I hadn’t begun to process, or comprehend, and I knew, deep down, that this pain wouldn’t go away until I felt every last drop of it, and let it go.
Kazimir’s cruel comments had been the key that unlocked the floodgate and left me shattered on the bathroom counter, breaking so violently in Ruslan’s arms I wasn’t sure I could ever piece myself back together. I hated Kazimir for it, just a little.
Would I ever be okay again?
The pain felt infinite, as if the time I sat there had no beginning and no end, and this would be my existence forevermore.
“It hurts… it’s too much. It’s too big, I can’t handle it on my own. I can’t do this, Ruslan, I can’t do this.” My nails dug into his back and I pulled him as close as I possibly could, the sobs wracking my entire body, despite his firm embrace. My cries echoed off the walls around us with the force with which they left my body, barely muffled by Ruslan’s chest.
“I’m so sorry, my sprite,” Ruslan murmured, puncturing my thoughts and grounding me into his arms again. “You don’t deserve this pain, to hurt like you are. I would gladly take all of it on, for you.”
If only it were possible to transfer the wounds on my soul to another; but I would never give them to Ruslan, whose soul was just as scarred as my own.
“Please,” I begged, though I wasn’t sure what for. I only wanted the pain to stop.
“You are safe, here and now, with me, Izidora. I’ve got you,” Ruslan replied, beginning to gently rock us back and forth.
Tears carved paths down my cheeks as he hummed a tune I didn’t know, and my mind latched onto it, anything to slow the tide of emotion still washing through me. His heart beat strongly against my ear, and I listened to that too, trying to anchor myself amid the storm that raged within.
“You are safe,” Ruslan repeated, then returned to his song, creating deep rumbles in his chest to soothe me.
Exhaustion from fighting and gripping my emotions finally washed over me. My breaths slowed, and I was able to suck down one ragged breath after another. “Ruslan?” I whispered, needing to hear his voice.
“Yes, sprite?” he murmured, still not releasing me.
A light sigh released the last of the air in my body, and my eyelids drooped as I relaxed into his embrace. “Why are you always so warm?”
“Because I am a Dragon. Fire runs through my veins. And it’s a good thing too, since you are always cold,” he huffed a laugh into my hair. “Do you want to go to bed?”
“Tell me a story until I fall asleep?” I murmured.
Ruslan chuckled; this had become our nightly routine when I couldn’t sleep, and he was always willing to oblige my requests. I wrapped my legs around his waist, still tucked into his chest, and he walked us into the bedroom, laying me gently down and then crawling in next to me, pulling me beside him once he settled. I curled into him, needing every inch of my skin to touch his. A deep exhale slipped out, and my heavy, swollen eyes began to close.
Ruslan cleared his throat, then launched into a story for me.“Once upon a time, a Dragon fell in love with an Angel…”
A small smile settled on my face as I listened to his highly embellished tale, losing myself among his words, until finally, I began to fade in and out of the story, drifting away to the land of sleep. I barely woke when he shuttered the lights in our room and turned us to the side so his entire body could sleep flush with mine.
7
Béke Day One
The door to the carriage opened with a blast of frigid night air, and we stepped into the snow before a slate stone building decorated with metallic climbing ivy. The craftsmanship was impeccable, and if it weren’t for the silvery color, I’d think that the Iron Fae had enchanted vines to withstand the harsh winters. Vadim whistled as he examined the filigree etched into the doors, the whorls and dainty details drawing out a story I did not know.
We pushed through them when Liliana complained of the cold, and a bulky male waited just inside the entrance, his face serious until he saw Anton and Slavian.
“They’re with us.” Slavian jerked a thumb over his shoulder, swaying slightly.
“Your usual table is available, My Lords,” the male replied, moving out of our way so we could enter the dimly lit area. Anton and Slavian descended a set of stairs to a sunken level below, the beat of drums building with each step into the earth. The air smelled of herbs, metal, and sex, and I soon learned why, when we cleared a fog of smoke and landed on the floor where scantily clad males and females served drinks and sacks of herbs to groups of people lounging in the middle. Off to the sides, curtained rooms both hid and revealed half-naked bodies writhing together while others smoked the herbs in front of them. The High Lords sauntered to a larger space at the back of the room, pulling aside the curtain for us to pass. The beat of the drums quieted as we took seats on the deep couch lining the walls.
A female appeared a moment later with a bottle of amber liquor and glasses for all of us. “My Lords, so glad you are here tonight. It was getting boring without you.” She batted her lashes as she placed everything on the table in front of her.
“Zoya, I hope you’ll join us later.” Anton pulled her into his lap, and she giggled, placing her hands on his chest.
“Do you want me to bring you something stronger?” She trailed a finger down his abdomen until it disappeared from view.
“Nothing too strong, Zoya, as this is our guests' first time experimenting.” Anton gestured to us where we sat toward the back of the room.
She hopped up from his lap with a sly grin, spinning to face us. “Welcome to Steel, My Lords and Lady. You will certainly enjoy your time with us.” She bit her lip as her eyes trailed over me, stopping at my groin. “I’ll be back in a few moments with your herbs.” She swayed her barely covered hips as she walked away from us.
Vadim whispered next to me, “I think this is the best decision we’ve made in months.”
Viktor and I snorted simultaneously, though I got the sense he was ready to let loose himself. Endre sat protectively next to Liliana, who was unfazed by the whole experience, as if she had frequented it many times. Slavian started pouring drinks for us, sliding them down the long, narrow table in each of our directions before pouring the last one for Liliana and handing it to her with a grin.
“To our health.” He raised his glass, then threw back the liquid. We replied in kind, and the alcohol burned on the way down, not in an unpleasant way. He immediately poured another round for us all, and I embraced the second shot, needing the buzz to drive away the image of Izidora spread before Ruslan that kept appearing behind my eyes, triggered over and over again by the sensual space we found ourselves in.
I rolled my shoulders, feeling the effects already, my body loosening along with my tongue. “What is this place?” I asked Anton, who was already pouring his third glass.
“It’s a place where you can lose control and experiment. Every desire you’ve dreamed of can be fulfilled here. Steel is very exclusive, and only the best Félvér work and play here.”
“Félvér? What is that?” Viktor leaned forward, resting his forearms on his thighs to hear him better over the thrumming music.
“Those of us who have mixed blood, we call ourselves Félvér. I am half Wolf,” Anton explained, his drink sloshing. Viktor and I shared a look that said ‘we’ll play dumb’ since we already knew about Izidora’s half Angel heritage, but any additional information about these Félvér would only serve to help us in the coming fight. Anton’s lips were loose now, and if he was willing to share, who were we to deny him the opportunity?
Viktor didn’t hesitate to continue with his questioning. “Interesting, I’ve never met a Wolf before. What abilities does that give you?”
“Well, not to brag, but my mother is an alpha. I can fully shift into a Wolf,” Anton boasted unabashedly, then he jerked his thumb in Slavian’s direction, spilling alcohol in the process. “Slavian here is part Demon, part Centaur, but he only got horns and wings from his mother.”
Zoya pushed aside the gauzy curtain a moment later, then laid sacks of herbs on the table. Anton pulled her into his lap once again. “Zoya is a Wolf also, and she likes to play.” He nuzzled her neck, and she sighed and leaned back into him. He trailed a hand down the bare skin on her front, slipping a hand under the fabric that covered her hips. She moaned as he touched her.
“Come back later and bring more friends,” he purred in her ear, before removing his hand. She straightened her skirt, flashing him with a seductive smile, then disappeared into the dimly lit room beyond.
“So everyone here is Félvér?” Viktor clarified.
“Yup. Let’s see, we’ve got more Wolves out there, a few with Demon blood – you’re going to love them, most of them are incubi like Slavian – a couple of Dragons, I think she’s a Mage…” Anton trailed on as I blinked rapidly, processing everything he said.
If so many Félvér hung out here tonight, how many more were out there? And if they had other magic outside of Iron Faes’ elemental magic, how would we take them on in battle?
“We’re pretty progressive here you know, not like the other realms who are all ‘pure blood is the only way to maintain power’ bullshit. Plus the Félvér have way more fun than you Fae,” Anton finished, his finger wagging as his words slurred even more.
I bristled at his insinuation that the other realms were so rigid in their beliefs. Before I could open my mouth to protest, Viktor’s elbow dug into my side, and he topped off everyone’s glasses in rapid succession.
“I’ll drink to that.” Slavian chuckled, lifting his glass before downing it. “Let’s break out the herbs now, Anton.” He reached for a bag and pulled an apparatus from beneath the table. Taking a pinch of herbs in one hand, he stuffed it into a small opening before lighting it and bringing it to his mouth. He sucked in a deep breath, then exhaled a plume of smoke into the space. It smelled sweet and earthy, like rain on a spring day.
“My turn.” Liliana eagerly held out her hand for the apparatus.
“Not so fast, beautiful. You’ll hurt yourself if you don’t know what you’re doing. I’ll help you.” He placed the apparatus to her lips, then flicked a mote of fire to his fingers. “When I put my finger here, you breathe deep into your belly. Hold it for a moment, then exhale slowly.”
Endre’s eyes were hard as he watched Slavian and Liliana flirt, a muscle feathering in his jaw. Liliana’s green eyes locked on Slavian’s gray ones as he placed his flaming finger on the herbs. She inhaled slowly, then stopped as he took the apparatus from her. She held for a beat, then released a tendril at a time before forming an O with her mouth and blowing rings in Slavian’s face.
I leaned over to Vadim. “You know she’s done this before, right?”
“I do now,” he huffed and I followed with a low laugh. She clearly kept a lot from us.
“How long until Endre snaps?” Viktor joined our hushed discussion.
“Why is Endre allowed to snap but I am not?” I quipped.
“Because when we found Izidora, you found a temper. Endre is too nice. My bet is he won’t break in public,” Viktor snickered.
Vadim grinned wolfishly. “If he wants Liliana, he has to earn her. It’s not his fault that she wants to test him. Deep down, she wants him to succeed, and I think he knows that. I bet he loses it in the next hour, especially if Slavian keeps touching her.”
“If Endre hadn’t had his heart set on her for the past six or so years, I think he would have dropped her rather than keep fighting. He is a stubborn male. I give him until the end of the night,” I chimed in.
“Six years?” Vadim exclaimed in a hushed whisper.
“To be fair, he never said anything, but Kazimir and I always knew,” Viktor shrugged.
Endre declined the herbs, so he passed them along to Vadim. “This shit better make me forget that last statement,” he grumbled.
Slavian leaned forward with his fiery finger to light Vadim’s pull. He repeated Liliana’s motion, but instead of holding, he came up coughing and wheezing.
