Silent Waters, page 20
‘I know.’
‘And I didn’t have to do that.’
She turns away from him, wants him gone. She busies herself with moving a cup from the table to the side, realises this isn’t the cup she drank out of this morning and feels angry because it must have been Claudia who just abandoned it – used Jen’s things and then left. Everyone just using her, time and again.
She turns back to Mark. ‘I know you didn’t have to. But you did.’
‘You weren’t being quite honest at the beginning, though, were you? She told me, you know. Claudia told me that you heard him inside. Burning to death.’
She pauses. She always thought Claudia might have told him – they got married after all – but the truth of it makes Jen wants to weep. ‘It was a long time ago. And we’re all complicit now.’
‘Where is he, Jen? Where’s Bill?’
‘I haven’t seen him. I’ve been busy, unsurprisingly.’
‘You don’t think he could have done anything to Claudia?’
‘There’s no way.’
‘How can you be sure? I told you that I saw them together.’
‘You said you saw them together once.’
‘I went to find him at the building site and the site manager told me he was away. Do you know where he is? Don’t just protect him. If you know what he might be hiding—’
‘He’s not hiding anything.’
‘Except the truth of what happened when you were all young and stupid.’
‘Get out of my house.’
His expression turns. ‘Hey, no, I’m sorry.’
‘Get out.’
‘I’m trying to deal with a lot of shit happening, you know? What am I supposed to be thinking? Doing? Saying?’
‘You’re not supposed to be here waiting for me, or threatening me. Please leave.’
‘I think we need to find Bill.’
‘I agree. I’ll do my best.’
He walks to the door. ‘If you hear anything before I do, will you tell me?’
She is silent.
‘I love you.’
‘You’ve never loved me,’ she whispers, but he’s already gone.
His departure out of the door causes a draught and she shivers with it. She’s cold, and so she sits on the sofa, pulls the throw over herself. A humming starts up in her ears; like a wasp, an insect, something whirring.
She pulls her laptop towards her, and scrolls through the national diving team that Mark and two others coach. There are four girls between seventeen and twenty-three, fresh-faced, determined. She takes the time to look at each picture of each girl, wonders if Mark would have touched them inappropriately, kissed them, and the thoughts makes her heave. She stops at Marie. At the pool, Mark said that Marie had toiled through the foster system, and Jen wonders where it was Marie came from originally, and what her history is.
She now thinks that Bill had been watching a YouTube clip of Marie because he knew what Mark was doing because Claudia had obviously told him. Jen gets up without even bothering to shut the lid. She needs to go, now, to bed.
Before turning off the corridor light, she automatically glances into Sam’s room, berates herself because he’s at Kerry’s, and turns to leave. But, she does so, she gets the shock of her life. Because Sam is in his bed. She gasps audibly. If Sam is here, it means that Kerry has brought him home. Which means that Kerry is also here. It was her teacup that was in the living room, and not Claudia’s.
Jen’s heart starts to thud as she walks slowly to her own bedroom. Inside, she can make out a bulk in her bed, and the dark tresses of Kerry’s dark hair on the pillow. Jen holds her breath, creeps forward and looks down at Kerry’s face. Her eyes are shut, her breathing is slow, her hand up by her chin, but is she asleep?
She bends to whisper. ‘Kerry?’
There’s no movement, no flicker of Kerry’s eyelashes.
Jen turns to creep out, glances behind her as she nears the door. Just in time to see Kerry’s fingers curl into a fist.
THIRTY-SEVEN
We should sleep.’
Claudia nods. ‘Yes,’ she says, but she makes no move towards the bed.
They’re in the bedroom and Bill is looking for something for her to wear, but she is blank, useless. The thought of a body down in the river that everyone thinks is her makes her feel like a living ghost. She can taste the horror of this coincidence too – thick and black like a swarm – in the back of her throat.
‘Do you think that someone meant to kill me, Bill? Do you think that Mark was there that night? That he wanted to hurt me but instead got someone random? Maybe he asked someone else to help him get rid of me?’
‘I think you’re reading too much into this,’ Bill says. ‘We need to wait for the identification.’
‘What if the body is one of the girls on the swim team?’
‘But Jen said that no one has been reported missing except you.’
‘But what if it’s another young girl, Bill? What if it’s not only members of the swimming team that Mark’s picking up? Do you think we did the wrong thing? Do you think we should have alerted the police to what Mark’s doing with the girls?’
He puts a hand to his temple. ‘We don’t know Mark has anything to do with this,’ he says. ‘We’ve watched the news the whole time, right? He has an alibi for that entire weekend.’
‘I know but . . . it just doesn’t make sense.’
‘Nothing makes sense,’ he says. ‘We just need to sleep and hope that things become clearer tomorrow.’ He throws her a clean T-shirt and clean boxer shorts from his chest of drawers. ‘You take my bed, I’ll go on the sofa.’
‘Don’t be stupid,’ she says. ‘Get in.’
He does so and they sit against the headboard, silent.
‘Jen is upset with me for telling her about Mark. About the girls.’
‘She’s been upset with you since that night she got ill and couldn’t compete for the championships,’ he says. ‘But she needs to know about Mark. If they have a son together, she needs to know. What if he’s violent with her or Sam? God, I can’t even imagine it.’
‘I know. My blood is on the fence panels,’ she says. ‘And your DNA.’
‘Yeah.’
‘I know that I promised to help you with the money. I’m sorry. Now . . . now I don’t know what to do. What to think.’
He turns to her. ‘Regardless of the money, I would have helped you. That person in the river – whoever it is – it’s not you. That’s all that matters to me.’
She leans into his shoulder.
‘Jen told me something weird, Claud. Right before she left and you were in the bathroom. She told me not to say anything to you, but she asked me about a tie.’
Claudia looks at him. ‘A tie?’
‘She gave me one for an interview I had. She was doing me a favour because I’d bought a suit, but I hadn’t got a tie.’ He pauses. ‘And it . . . it was found.’
She frowns, feels like she’s missed a point he’s trying to make. ‘What do you mean it was found? Found where?’
‘In the river.’
She sits up straighter. ‘Are you serious?’
‘Yeah. She told me that it’s Mark’s tie.’
Shock pinches her throat and her voice is tight. ‘Mark’s?’
‘It could be coincidence – you don’t live far from the river, obviously – but Jen’s worried. I’m fucking worried. How did it get there? Why is it there? It can’t be a coincidence, can it?’
‘You told me that we couldn’t read too much into this—’
‘Well, I was trying to calm you down.’
‘Did you . . . did you see anything?’ she asks. ‘While you waited for me up the road in the truck? Did you see a person?’
‘No, of course not. Jen asked me the same question. Do you think that while I was sat warming the car for you up the road, helping you get out of a marriage you didn’t want to be in, that I saw a random person, and then what? Followed them and thought I’d push them into the water for fun? And then, threw a random tie in after?’
‘I was asking if you saw anyone,’ she says firmly. ‘Maybe subconsciously?’
‘Well I didn’t! Did you see anyone?’
‘I was trying to get into my own house! What kind of a question is that?’
‘Neither of us saw anything.’
They both lie down and he switches off the light.
‘I wanted to make things right from all those years ago when we ran away from our problems,’ he says into the darkness. ‘But we’ve run into something bigger.’
She squeezes his hand, says nothing.
Bill falls asleep quickly, but Claudia is restless, pulled to thinking about Mark. She wonders where he is, what he’s feeling. Does he know now that there’s a body? Is he worried, anguished, at the thought of Claudia being dead? Is he happy? She wants him to be devastated, to repent for all the horrible things he’s done and said to her.
She thinks back to their argument on Saturday afternoon. She’d been sitting out in the garden on a deckchair, reading, ironically, an article about the dive team, and more specifically, the nation’s hopes for Marie Cadorna. Claudia had been studying the shape of Marie’s calves, the twist of her smile. Marie had become not just Mark’s new obsession but hers too. She found that she relished the slow burn of passionate envy, of wicked thoughts. She fantasied about Mark touching that smooth, youthful skin. She thought about all the ways they might kiss, have sex. All those thoughts culminated in a rush of ecstatic fury.
God, she had stayed through his increasingly harsh put-downs of her in private over the years, had stayed through the occasional slap to her face when he’d got drunk, and the time where he had thrown a glass tumbler at her head which had knocked her out when she’d asked him about the rumours surrounding Bella. She’d stayed because she needed him, loved him, but realised she’d completely lost his heart and her hold over him physically. When she found out about Marie – when she saw them together in her very own bed, the humiliation was worth the effort to try to leave him. But she would need leverage, money, courage. Leverage came in the form of Bella Mitchell and her confession, money came from pawning her jewellery every week to save cash and hope Mark didn’t notice. Courage came in the form of Bill Harper securing her a fake passport and offering her an escape.
She hadn’t heard Mark come out of the house, shoeless across the grass, until he was right behind her.
‘What’s this?’
She’d whirled around in the chair to see him above her, a strange look on his face. The emotion wasn’t anger or bafflement. It was something straight, quiet, measured, and she couldn’t read it.
‘What’s what?’
‘I found something interesting on your computer.’
He held up her laptop, which had been behind his back and out of her view.
She knew, instantly, that it was her email about Bella Mitchell. Had she left it up? Had he broken into it? She went to stand up from the deckchair and take it from him, but before she had a chance, he swung back his arm and smashed the laptop right across her skull.
Her hearing changed, one ear suddenly humming like she was under the water, and her eyes skittered. The green of the grass took on an odd fluorescence, and the legs of the deckchair appeared to be swimming. She realised that she was on the ground with her face sideways.
‘What game are you playing, Claudia?’
She tried to lift her head, but it seemed to roll on her neck like something huge and heavy and unmovable. His feet came into her view. He was wearing the trainers she’d bought him for his birthday only a month ago – white and clean. Unblemished.
‘When were you planning on sending this to the papers? This week? The day before the Olympics? When exactly was it that you were thinking of ruining my life?’
Something landed beside her with a thud and one of his feet moved from her view. She heard a crash beside her as he stamped on her laptop.
‘I’m guessing it’s also on your phone, so let’s take a look at that too, shall we?’
She couldn’t say anything; her mouth felt full of words, but they were scrambled.
‘Where is it?’
She made a moaning noise. She couldn’t remember where her phone was.
‘Where’s your phone?’
She raised herself to her knees, swayed, grabbed uselessly at the material of the deckchair, and then the wooden arm to support herself.
‘You’re disgusting,’ she said. One of her back teeth felt wobbly. Her mouth was puffing up.
He grabbed at her then, his fist in her hair, tangling his fingers in it, wrenching it as hard as he could so that her neck was tipped backwards and the sun hurt her eyes.
‘Where’s your goddamn phone?’
‘I don’t know.’
He let go and she put her arms out to the lawn again, panting. There were little dark spots on the grass that she realised were made from her blood.
He turned around to stalk back inside and in that split second, she reached under the deckchair to where she’d put her phone when she’d come out – she always put it there when the sun was out. She got up, grabbed the smashed laptop too, and fled across the garden, disappearing out of the fence panel that was loose, and racing through the woodland towards the water-meadows and the river. She rang the one person she knew would drop everything to help her.
‘I’m . . . I’m at Cowell Farm.’
‘Claud?’
‘Come, Bill. Please come.’
THIRTY-EIGHT
Jen needs to go into work today, needs to face the music, and – most importantly – the details of the body discovered. She glances at the clock on the wall – Sam’s beloved Transformers clock – and decides that four forty-eight is almost five, which is almost six, so she might as well get up and into the kitchen now, wake herself properly with caffeine.
She goes to fill the kettle, relishes the quiet of the house, and wonders how she can slip out without a conversation with Kerry.
‘Why did you not tell me?’
Kerry stands in the door frame and Jen debates playing dumb, but can’t insult her best friend. Besides, Kerry knows her well enough to call out her bullshit.
‘Which bit?’
‘I know that Mark is Sam’s dad, Jen, but I’ve known that since the second you got pregnant. I’ve been waiting for you to tell me for six years.’
‘How did you know?’
‘Because you’ve always loved Mark. Because there’s never been anyone close to hold a candle to the way you used to talk about him. Intense training with someone who sees you basically naked the whole time must really warp your senses. And having Sam has kept you connected to him for all these years. I get it – it’s easy not to move on when you have a real-life solid hope in front of you, that you put to bed every night. But obviously that’s not the reason why I’m upset.’
‘You heard everything.’
‘They’ve found Claudia, right? In the river?’
Jen sinks her head into her hands, wants to tell Kerry that it’s not Claudia, but how would that help anything? Kerry doesn’t deserve to be dragged down any further than she already is.
‘I heard it, Jen! There’s a body. And then Mark threatened you.’
‘No—’
‘Yes. I know what I heard. Do you think I’m stupid? He’s got something on you that happened eighteen years ago? What’s it about? Diving?’
‘We made a pact,’ Jen says and it sounds so childish, so ridiculous. ‘I can’t talk about it.’
‘Do you think Mark has killed Claudia?’
‘No.’
‘How are you so sure?’
‘Because I am,’ Jen says because she can’t say that she’s seen Claudia, only hours ago.
‘And Bill?’
‘Bill hasn’t done anything bad, I swear to you,’ she says. ‘The thing that happened all those years ago, I thought was forgotten about, but it’s all become . . . complex. Risen to the surface.’
‘Is it to do with Claudia?’
‘Sort of. Her family.’
Kerry scowls. ‘Everything has always been complicated with that family. They’re liars, all of them.’
Jen looks at her, surprised. ‘Liars? You didn’t even know them?’
‘What happened then? Why can’t you tell me? Do you not trust me?’
‘No! I mean, of course I trust you, but I can’t get you into any of this, do you understand?’
‘I would have lied for him! I would have!’ Kerry starts to laugh, but it’s punctured with grief. ‘I keep everyone else’s secrets for them – why not Bill’s too?’
‘I told you, Bill has got nothing to do with—’
‘Mum!’
Sam barrels forward at her into the room, knocks Jen off balance.
‘Sam, it’s so early, what are you doing awake?’
‘I heard you!’
Jen catches Kerry’s eye and at once they rearrange themselves into how they should be – Jen pouring hot water into cups, adding milk, all smiles. Kerry switches on the radio.
‘Can I have toast and peanut butter?’ Sam grabs her arm, swings it, does the same with Kerry. ‘Why is it still dark outside?’
‘Because it’s five in the morning.’
‘I’m not tired.’ He bounds away into the living room. ‘Can I watch Ryan’s World on your laptop?’
‘I . . . Sure.’
Kerry looks at Jen. ‘I’m assuming you’re going into work.’
‘Yes. Idris needs me in.’
‘I’ll take Sam to school then, shall I?’
‘Wait—’
‘I thought we were best friends?’
‘We are.’
‘So act like it, Jen. Tell me what’s going on.’
‘I can’t. I’m sorry.’
Kerry walks out of the kitchen, and Jen hears the bathroom door close and the lock turn.
‘Mum?’
She turns and sees Sam through the open doorway, her laptop still open from last night. He’s woken it and on the screen is a picture of Marie Cadorna.
‘Why have you got a picture of the nanny?’
She frowns. ‘What?’
‘That’s the nanny who comes to the park.’
‘And I didn’t have to do that.’
She turns away from him, wants him gone. She busies herself with moving a cup from the table to the side, realises this isn’t the cup she drank out of this morning and feels angry because it must have been Claudia who just abandoned it – used Jen’s things and then left. Everyone just using her, time and again.
She turns back to Mark. ‘I know you didn’t have to. But you did.’
‘You weren’t being quite honest at the beginning, though, were you? She told me, you know. Claudia told me that you heard him inside. Burning to death.’
She pauses. She always thought Claudia might have told him – they got married after all – but the truth of it makes Jen wants to weep. ‘It was a long time ago. And we’re all complicit now.’
‘Where is he, Jen? Where’s Bill?’
‘I haven’t seen him. I’ve been busy, unsurprisingly.’
‘You don’t think he could have done anything to Claudia?’
‘There’s no way.’
‘How can you be sure? I told you that I saw them together.’
‘You said you saw them together once.’
‘I went to find him at the building site and the site manager told me he was away. Do you know where he is? Don’t just protect him. If you know what he might be hiding—’
‘He’s not hiding anything.’
‘Except the truth of what happened when you were all young and stupid.’
‘Get out of my house.’
His expression turns. ‘Hey, no, I’m sorry.’
‘Get out.’
‘I’m trying to deal with a lot of shit happening, you know? What am I supposed to be thinking? Doing? Saying?’
‘You’re not supposed to be here waiting for me, or threatening me. Please leave.’
‘I think we need to find Bill.’
‘I agree. I’ll do my best.’
He walks to the door. ‘If you hear anything before I do, will you tell me?’
She is silent.
‘I love you.’
‘You’ve never loved me,’ she whispers, but he’s already gone.
His departure out of the door causes a draught and she shivers with it. She’s cold, and so she sits on the sofa, pulls the throw over herself. A humming starts up in her ears; like a wasp, an insect, something whirring.
She pulls her laptop towards her, and scrolls through the national diving team that Mark and two others coach. There are four girls between seventeen and twenty-three, fresh-faced, determined. She takes the time to look at each picture of each girl, wonders if Mark would have touched them inappropriately, kissed them, and the thoughts makes her heave. She stops at Marie. At the pool, Mark said that Marie had toiled through the foster system, and Jen wonders where it was Marie came from originally, and what her history is.
She now thinks that Bill had been watching a YouTube clip of Marie because he knew what Mark was doing because Claudia had obviously told him. Jen gets up without even bothering to shut the lid. She needs to go, now, to bed.
Before turning off the corridor light, she automatically glances into Sam’s room, berates herself because he’s at Kerry’s, and turns to leave. But, she does so, she gets the shock of her life. Because Sam is in his bed. She gasps audibly. If Sam is here, it means that Kerry has brought him home. Which means that Kerry is also here. It was her teacup that was in the living room, and not Claudia’s.
Jen’s heart starts to thud as she walks slowly to her own bedroom. Inside, she can make out a bulk in her bed, and the dark tresses of Kerry’s dark hair on the pillow. Jen holds her breath, creeps forward and looks down at Kerry’s face. Her eyes are shut, her breathing is slow, her hand up by her chin, but is she asleep?
She bends to whisper. ‘Kerry?’
There’s no movement, no flicker of Kerry’s eyelashes.
Jen turns to creep out, glances behind her as she nears the door. Just in time to see Kerry’s fingers curl into a fist.
THIRTY-SEVEN
We should sleep.’
Claudia nods. ‘Yes,’ she says, but she makes no move towards the bed.
They’re in the bedroom and Bill is looking for something for her to wear, but she is blank, useless. The thought of a body down in the river that everyone thinks is her makes her feel like a living ghost. She can taste the horror of this coincidence too – thick and black like a swarm – in the back of her throat.
‘Do you think that someone meant to kill me, Bill? Do you think that Mark was there that night? That he wanted to hurt me but instead got someone random? Maybe he asked someone else to help him get rid of me?’
‘I think you’re reading too much into this,’ Bill says. ‘We need to wait for the identification.’
‘What if the body is one of the girls on the swim team?’
‘But Jen said that no one has been reported missing except you.’
‘But what if it’s another young girl, Bill? What if it’s not only members of the swimming team that Mark’s picking up? Do you think we did the wrong thing? Do you think we should have alerted the police to what Mark’s doing with the girls?’
He puts a hand to his temple. ‘We don’t know Mark has anything to do with this,’ he says. ‘We’ve watched the news the whole time, right? He has an alibi for that entire weekend.’
‘I know but . . . it just doesn’t make sense.’
‘Nothing makes sense,’ he says. ‘We just need to sleep and hope that things become clearer tomorrow.’ He throws her a clean T-shirt and clean boxer shorts from his chest of drawers. ‘You take my bed, I’ll go on the sofa.’
‘Don’t be stupid,’ she says. ‘Get in.’
He does so and they sit against the headboard, silent.
‘Jen is upset with me for telling her about Mark. About the girls.’
‘She’s been upset with you since that night she got ill and couldn’t compete for the championships,’ he says. ‘But she needs to know about Mark. If they have a son together, she needs to know. What if he’s violent with her or Sam? God, I can’t even imagine it.’
‘I know. My blood is on the fence panels,’ she says. ‘And your DNA.’
‘Yeah.’
‘I know that I promised to help you with the money. I’m sorry. Now . . . now I don’t know what to do. What to think.’
He turns to her. ‘Regardless of the money, I would have helped you. That person in the river – whoever it is – it’s not you. That’s all that matters to me.’
She leans into his shoulder.
‘Jen told me something weird, Claud. Right before she left and you were in the bathroom. She told me not to say anything to you, but she asked me about a tie.’
Claudia looks at him. ‘A tie?’
‘She gave me one for an interview I had. She was doing me a favour because I’d bought a suit, but I hadn’t got a tie.’ He pauses. ‘And it . . . it was found.’
She frowns, feels like she’s missed a point he’s trying to make. ‘What do you mean it was found? Found where?’
‘In the river.’
She sits up straighter. ‘Are you serious?’
‘Yeah. She told me that it’s Mark’s tie.’
Shock pinches her throat and her voice is tight. ‘Mark’s?’
‘It could be coincidence – you don’t live far from the river, obviously – but Jen’s worried. I’m fucking worried. How did it get there? Why is it there? It can’t be a coincidence, can it?’
‘You told me that we couldn’t read too much into this—’
‘Well, I was trying to calm you down.’
‘Did you . . . did you see anything?’ she asks. ‘While you waited for me up the road in the truck? Did you see a person?’
‘No, of course not. Jen asked me the same question. Do you think that while I was sat warming the car for you up the road, helping you get out of a marriage you didn’t want to be in, that I saw a random person, and then what? Followed them and thought I’d push them into the water for fun? And then, threw a random tie in after?’
‘I was asking if you saw anyone,’ she says firmly. ‘Maybe subconsciously?’
‘Well I didn’t! Did you see anyone?’
‘I was trying to get into my own house! What kind of a question is that?’
‘Neither of us saw anything.’
They both lie down and he switches off the light.
‘I wanted to make things right from all those years ago when we ran away from our problems,’ he says into the darkness. ‘But we’ve run into something bigger.’
She squeezes his hand, says nothing.
Bill falls asleep quickly, but Claudia is restless, pulled to thinking about Mark. She wonders where he is, what he’s feeling. Does he know now that there’s a body? Is he worried, anguished, at the thought of Claudia being dead? Is he happy? She wants him to be devastated, to repent for all the horrible things he’s done and said to her.
She thinks back to their argument on Saturday afternoon. She’d been sitting out in the garden on a deckchair, reading, ironically, an article about the dive team, and more specifically, the nation’s hopes for Marie Cadorna. Claudia had been studying the shape of Marie’s calves, the twist of her smile. Marie had become not just Mark’s new obsession but hers too. She found that she relished the slow burn of passionate envy, of wicked thoughts. She fantasied about Mark touching that smooth, youthful skin. She thought about all the ways they might kiss, have sex. All those thoughts culminated in a rush of ecstatic fury.
God, she had stayed through his increasingly harsh put-downs of her in private over the years, had stayed through the occasional slap to her face when he’d got drunk, and the time where he had thrown a glass tumbler at her head which had knocked her out when she’d asked him about the rumours surrounding Bella. She’d stayed because she needed him, loved him, but realised she’d completely lost his heart and her hold over him physically. When she found out about Marie – when she saw them together in her very own bed, the humiliation was worth the effort to try to leave him. But she would need leverage, money, courage. Leverage came in the form of Bella Mitchell and her confession, money came from pawning her jewellery every week to save cash and hope Mark didn’t notice. Courage came in the form of Bill Harper securing her a fake passport and offering her an escape.
She hadn’t heard Mark come out of the house, shoeless across the grass, until he was right behind her.
‘What’s this?’
She’d whirled around in the chair to see him above her, a strange look on his face. The emotion wasn’t anger or bafflement. It was something straight, quiet, measured, and she couldn’t read it.
‘What’s what?’
‘I found something interesting on your computer.’
He held up her laptop, which had been behind his back and out of her view.
She knew, instantly, that it was her email about Bella Mitchell. Had she left it up? Had he broken into it? She went to stand up from the deckchair and take it from him, but before she had a chance, he swung back his arm and smashed the laptop right across her skull.
Her hearing changed, one ear suddenly humming like she was under the water, and her eyes skittered. The green of the grass took on an odd fluorescence, and the legs of the deckchair appeared to be swimming. She realised that she was on the ground with her face sideways.
‘What game are you playing, Claudia?’
She tried to lift her head, but it seemed to roll on her neck like something huge and heavy and unmovable. His feet came into her view. He was wearing the trainers she’d bought him for his birthday only a month ago – white and clean. Unblemished.
‘When were you planning on sending this to the papers? This week? The day before the Olympics? When exactly was it that you were thinking of ruining my life?’
Something landed beside her with a thud and one of his feet moved from her view. She heard a crash beside her as he stamped on her laptop.
‘I’m guessing it’s also on your phone, so let’s take a look at that too, shall we?’
She couldn’t say anything; her mouth felt full of words, but they were scrambled.
‘Where is it?’
She made a moaning noise. She couldn’t remember where her phone was.
‘Where’s your phone?’
She raised herself to her knees, swayed, grabbed uselessly at the material of the deckchair, and then the wooden arm to support herself.
‘You’re disgusting,’ she said. One of her back teeth felt wobbly. Her mouth was puffing up.
He grabbed at her then, his fist in her hair, tangling his fingers in it, wrenching it as hard as he could so that her neck was tipped backwards and the sun hurt her eyes.
‘Where’s your goddamn phone?’
‘I don’t know.’
He let go and she put her arms out to the lawn again, panting. There were little dark spots on the grass that she realised were made from her blood.
He turned around to stalk back inside and in that split second, she reached under the deckchair to where she’d put her phone when she’d come out – she always put it there when the sun was out. She got up, grabbed the smashed laptop too, and fled across the garden, disappearing out of the fence panel that was loose, and racing through the woodland towards the water-meadows and the river. She rang the one person she knew would drop everything to help her.
‘I’m . . . I’m at Cowell Farm.’
‘Claud?’
‘Come, Bill. Please come.’
THIRTY-EIGHT
Jen needs to go into work today, needs to face the music, and – most importantly – the details of the body discovered. She glances at the clock on the wall – Sam’s beloved Transformers clock – and decides that four forty-eight is almost five, which is almost six, so she might as well get up and into the kitchen now, wake herself properly with caffeine.
She goes to fill the kettle, relishes the quiet of the house, and wonders how she can slip out without a conversation with Kerry.
‘Why did you not tell me?’
Kerry stands in the door frame and Jen debates playing dumb, but can’t insult her best friend. Besides, Kerry knows her well enough to call out her bullshit.
‘Which bit?’
‘I know that Mark is Sam’s dad, Jen, but I’ve known that since the second you got pregnant. I’ve been waiting for you to tell me for six years.’
‘How did you know?’
‘Because you’ve always loved Mark. Because there’s never been anyone close to hold a candle to the way you used to talk about him. Intense training with someone who sees you basically naked the whole time must really warp your senses. And having Sam has kept you connected to him for all these years. I get it – it’s easy not to move on when you have a real-life solid hope in front of you, that you put to bed every night. But obviously that’s not the reason why I’m upset.’
‘You heard everything.’
‘They’ve found Claudia, right? In the river?’
Jen sinks her head into her hands, wants to tell Kerry that it’s not Claudia, but how would that help anything? Kerry doesn’t deserve to be dragged down any further than she already is.
‘I heard it, Jen! There’s a body. And then Mark threatened you.’
‘No—’
‘Yes. I know what I heard. Do you think I’m stupid? He’s got something on you that happened eighteen years ago? What’s it about? Diving?’
‘We made a pact,’ Jen says and it sounds so childish, so ridiculous. ‘I can’t talk about it.’
‘Do you think Mark has killed Claudia?’
‘No.’
‘How are you so sure?’
‘Because I am,’ Jen says because she can’t say that she’s seen Claudia, only hours ago.
‘And Bill?’
‘Bill hasn’t done anything bad, I swear to you,’ she says. ‘The thing that happened all those years ago, I thought was forgotten about, but it’s all become . . . complex. Risen to the surface.’
‘Is it to do with Claudia?’
‘Sort of. Her family.’
Kerry scowls. ‘Everything has always been complicated with that family. They’re liars, all of them.’
Jen looks at her, surprised. ‘Liars? You didn’t even know them?’
‘What happened then? Why can’t you tell me? Do you not trust me?’
‘No! I mean, of course I trust you, but I can’t get you into any of this, do you understand?’
‘I would have lied for him! I would have!’ Kerry starts to laugh, but it’s punctured with grief. ‘I keep everyone else’s secrets for them – why not Bill’s too?’
‘I told you, Bill has got nothing to do with—’
‘Mum!’
Sam barrels forward at her into the room, knocks Jen off balance.
‘Sam, it’s so early, what are you doing awake?’
‘I heard you!’
Jen catches Kerry’s eye and at once they rearrange themselves into how they should be – Jen pouring hot water into cups, adding milk, all smiles. Kerry switches on the radio.
‘Can I have toast and peanut butter?’ Sam grabs her arm, swings it, does the same with Kerry. ‘Why is it still dark outside?’
‘Because it’s five in the morning.’
‘I’m not tired.’ He bounds away into the living room. ‘Can I watch Ryan’s World on your laptop?’
‘I . . . Sure.’
Kerry looks at Jen. ‘I’m assuming you’re going into work.’
‘Yes. Idris needs me in.’
‘I’ll take Sam to school then, shall I?’
‘Wait—’
‘I thought we were best friends?’
‘We are.’
‘So act like it, Jen. Tell me what’s going on.’
‘I can’t. I’m sorry.’
Kerry walks out of the kitchen, and Jen hears the bathroom door close and the lock turn.
‘Mum?’
She turns and sees Sam through the open doorway, her laptop still open from last night. He’s woken it and on the screen is a picture of Marie Cadorna.
‘Why have you got a picture of the nanny?’
She frowns. ‘What?’
‘That’s the nanny who comes to the park.’
