Zombie Chick, page 7
“It’s better if you hold it firmly, with two hands on the shaft. Like this.”
“Get a room! Seriously.” Janice yelled from the end lane. “Here, Ned, let’s see what you can do.” She handed him an axe.
Ned reached out and took the axe. He was completely unprepared for the weight, and the axe pulled him to the floor.
“No horseplay, Ned. These are sharp instruments of death.” Agent Mumu admonished him. “I do not tolerate fooling around.”
“Yeah. It’s a lot, um, heavier than it looks.” He tried to pick it up again, groaning with the effort, only lifting it a tiny bit.
“Let me see it.” Janice took the axe from Ned, picking it up with one hand. She threw it down the lane, hitting the target solidly in the chest. “It doesn’t seem too bad.”
“Tsk, tsk,” said Agent Mumu, while shaking her head sadly. She made a notation on her clipboard. “No more gold stars for you today, I’m afraid, Mr. McFled.”
Observation Booth
“Wow. That Ned! I wonder how he even carts himself around all day?”
“I think he doesn’t bother, and that’s the problem.”
“Oh well. You know what they say about bears and zombies.”
“What’s that?”
“I don’t need to run fast, just faster than you.”
Ned ‘Neckro Boy’ McFled
First of all, I said, ‘if she wasn’t dead.’ I only like girls if they’re alive. What? My doll collection? What do you mean you found it, and my little compressor, too? It’s not like that! I needed them to make a movie! You can watch it if you want. What? It was an art film. For Art Class.
Zombies? No. I’ve never had an interest. I prefer a different kind of film. Art films. No. The kind with subtitles.
I know my apartment is ugly. I rented it furnished and my landlady won’t let me change it. Her dead husband decorated it in the nineteen seventies. The waterbed makes me kinky, so sometimes I sleep in front of the fireplace on the rug.
Yes, I work as a masseuse and make good money too. It’s why I got into advanced anatomy, and it helps pay for med school. What? What other job would pay a young guy with no work history that kind of money?
The keys? What about them? Oh, they’re just for decoration. They came with the bowl I got from the second-hand store. I was going to put a goldfish in it, but I don’t have to feed the keys.
Mating pheromones? Uh, those are not mine. I don’t know what they’re doing in my bedroom.
Champagne? What champagne? I don’t drink alcohol. Not since that time the landlady stopped in. I swore I’d never drink again. Not ever.
Movie Theatre
“Did you get the popcorn? The good kind loaded with butter and salt? Excellent! Let’s review this footage the Idiot Trackers found for us.” Agent Dave flopped down into one of the reclining theatre seats, remote in hand.
Agent Homes passed his bowl of popcorn over, sat down as well and propped her combat-booted feet on the back of the chair in front of her. “Do you think we’ll find anything new?”
“I sure hope so. This investigation is going nowhere. We just keep hitting dead end after dead end. So far all we’ve gotten out of this is a lot of questions and a date for you with Sargent Dargent.”
“I said no. He was cheating at computer solitaire, if you can believe it. Not interested in a guy who cheats, thanks anyway. Fast forward through the school footage. Maybe something will show up if we speed watch and then reverse.”
They watched the school footage several times. Slow, fast, backwards, frame by frame, and they couldn’t find anything new. Agent Dave was equally horrified every time they saw the scene of Unster hugging Storky. He shook his head and whispered ‘thong’ EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
“OK. Let’s take a quick break and watch the footage they recovered of the delivery vans making drop-offs for the last year, since the day Officer Pier went to the murder call.” Agent Homes said, standing up and stretching.
“Officer Pier? How interesting. I believe I see the real problem with Sargent Dargent.”
“Oh, shut up. It was a slip of the tongue.”
“So I gather.”
Agent Homes glared at him.
They reconvened a few minutes later and the Idiot Trackers had the requested footage cued up. There were a lot of deliveries.
“Is there paperwork corresponding with these guys?”
“What are you looking for, Agent Homes?”
“I’m just wondering if all these bodies were donated for cadaver class, or how many went to the cremation facility they have there.”
“Good call.” Agent Dave said. He made a quick call to the Idiot Trackers and had the relevant info sent to Agent Homes’ phone.
They spent the next few hours tediously going through the delivery videos and comparing the logs.
“OK, well, it looks like both the hospitals use this facility to incinerate medical waste, so I think we can rule out some of this stuff if it looks too small to be a body. In one way, with the school having the only cremation facilities in town this is easier, but there sure seems to be a lot of traffic.”
“Well, don’t forget, the nursing homes and funeral parlours use it, too. Everyone gets cremated now since the cemeteries are all full. Good for business to be the only game in town. Hey, do you see this guy?” Agent Dave asked, pausing the video.
“What about him?”
“I can’t put my finger on it. There’s something about him, though. Almost like I’ve seen him before. I don’t know. He’s never facing a camera. That seems pretty dodgy.”
“Remember when you called the Priest of the Arcane Arts dodgy? And then he exorcised that demon you accidentally summoned?”
“What about it?” Agent Dave asked a little frostily.
“I checked the GPS from yesterday. If we hadn’t turned left at the Chia shake place, you would have driven an accidental pentagram. Again.”
“What does that have to do with this?”
Agent Homes shrugged. “Nothing, but you said dodgy, and it made me think of it. This guy seems to make an awful lot of deliveries. I can’t make out the name on the sign-in sheet. Maybe IT... oh, there’s a note saying they can’t clean it up anymore.”
“Let me see. Mmmmrubant. Sounds like an exotic island somewhere. Another dead end from the looks of it. But he does seem to leave a lot of bodies behind. Are they all for disposal?”
“Yup. Doesn’t say why though.” Agent Homes replied, searching in the database. “Never leaves them for cadaver class.”
“I vote we take another break, then watch the video from the murder scene. Maybe we’ll see this fake coroner Officer Docklund mentioned.”
They came back and cued up the scanty video from Unster’s apartment. “This was all the video the Idiot Trackers could find. All the other cameras were either scrubbed or broken. Apparently, this camera belongs to some do-gooder neighbourhood spy dude. Cops never asked, he never volunteered. Lucky for us I guess.”
“It’s called Neighbourhood Watch, and anyone can join. It’s a civilian effort to cut down on crime.”
“Well, it certainly seems effective.” Agent Dave said sarcastically, pointing at the screen. “How does anyone get murdered in the quietest, most sedate neighbourhood in town?”
“This isn’t very helpful. Crappy angle, generic white van, mud on the plates, no make, no model.” She growled and kicked the seat in front of her in frustration.
“No. Wait. If we split the screen... just, give me a minute.” Agent Dave, standing by the screen, worked some controls on the remote. “See? That’s the same guy,” he said as he displayed the van driver on the screen beside the school delivery driver.
“Still not very helpful. No faces.”
“More than we had, though. And I’m telling you, I feel like I know this guy.” Agent Dave said with conviction, tapping the screen.
Dr. Marten
Dr. Marten was in the cafeteria enjoying dinner with the rest of his fellow quarantees. He looked down at his wrist to check his watch. It had been vibrating the crap out of him for the last few minutes, so much so that he’d thought he was being electrocuted. “Well, I think I will retire for the evening. I have some reports to write and a book I’ve been meaning to read. Unster, enjoy your poutine. You should go for a stroll with Storky in the Hydroponics lab.” he said, winking at Storky as he left.
He hurried down the corridor to his suite and went inside, turning the lights on as he did. He locked the door behind him.
“This better be important, Bill,” he said, addressing the figure sitting at his desk.
“It is, Marty, it is. You need to look at this.” Agent Orange handed him a tablet.
“What am I looking at?”
“Some test results from Unster. DNA tests.”
“So? She’s human, or at least she used to be. I don’t see the big deal. Everything looks... wait. Is this right?” He glanced up at Bill.
“Yes. I’ve had the techs check it several times and recalibrate all the equipment. I also had two outside labs confirm it.”
“Does he know?”
“No. I wanted to be sure. You know his history as well as I do. I don’t think we should tell him.”
“Bill, if it was you, you’d want to know, wouldn’t you?”
Agent Orange sighed. “Probably. But I can’t tell him.”
“I was his partner, I know him. I’ll tell him when the time’s right, but this?” Marty said, tapping the tablet. “This changes everything.”
A Stroll
Unster looked at Storky. “A stroll in the Hydroponics lab? What’s Dr. Marten talking about? Why would he want me to go for a stroll there?”
Ned was watching the scene playing out in front of him intently. He was secretly hoping Storky would be turned down. It just wasn’t fair that he got all the girls. They always seemed to throw themselves at him, and Ned was lucky if he could get one to wave at him, let alone actually talk to him. Seriously, he couldn’t even get the dead chick to hang out. Maybe he should ask for some pointers.
“OK. Guys, I think we were assigned some extra axe throwing for tonight.” Janice said, grabbing Ned and Jock each by an arm. “We’ll see you two later.”
“I didn’t see that on my schedule,” Unster said, frowning. “Are you sure?”
“Yes. And it’s just for the three of us, so, you two just enjoy your evening.” She hustled the guys out the door. Storky shot her a grateful, nervous smile. Janice winked at him and left.
“Is there some kind of eye infection going around? Dr. Marten had the same twitchy eye.” Unster asked, looking concerned. “I hope I don’t get it. It seems like it would be annoying.”
“I don’t think you’ll catch anything. Did you enjoy the poutine?”
“Yes, it was very nice. Lots of gravy, and I was surprised I could eat the cheese.”
“Thanks. I ordered it myself, especially for you. I got them to put an extra high fat cheese on it.” He sat across the table from her, nervously fidgeting with a glass. “Oops!” he said as he accidentally dumped it and flooded the table. They both jumped up, trying to avoid the mess.
“Oh, no! I’m sorry. Did I get you wet? I mean, uh, I think we need a towel.” He was flustered and didn’t know what to do. Luckily, there was an intervention from the intercom.
“Leave the mess. Mervert will get it. Go for a walk.”
“Sounds like a good idea. Ready?” Storky asked, offering an arm to Unster.
“Sure, why not.” She said, taking his arm. They strolled down the hallway to the Hydroponics lab. The sign on the door said, ‘Welcome to the ZHPTF Park’.
“This is new,” Unster said and touched the sign. “The paint is still wet.”
Observation Booth
Hello? Yes. It’s finally happening. He’s got her going to the park for a stroll. Fine. The Hydroponics lab. Of course, I’m recording it, we record everything. You know that. You’ll be able to watch it later, I promise. Why didn’t you just trade shifts? No one would, eh? Well, I guess nobody wanted to miss this. What do you mean why the Hydroponics lab? Are you crazy? He wants to show her the birds and the bees. Shh! Something’s happening.
The Park
“Close your eyes. I want to show you a surprise,” said Storky as he took Unster by the hand and led her deep into the park. She jumped when several somethings buzzed past her ear, creating a slight breeze that wafted her hair.
“OK, open your eyes.” She did and gasped. The air was filled with tiny, sparkling jewels flitting around, buzzing her pink hair, hovering in mid-air to look at her.
“What are they? They’re beautiful.” She said, enchanted.
“Hummingbirds. Hold out your hand.”
She did and gasped with wonder. The tiny, buzzing birds landed on her fingers and rested for a moment before flitting away again. She marvelled at the way several of them on her hand weighed nothing.
“Why are they here?”
“They use them, and the bees, to pollinate the plants. Come on, I’ll show you the hives.”
He took her hand again and led her a few rows over, fighting the thick vegetation. There were some tables holding glass hives. They sat on the handy bench and watched the bees working. They mesmerized Unster.
“What happens when the spit jars get filled?”
“Spit jars? Oh! You mean the honeycombs. They get changed out and then we can put the honey on toast, or in tea. It’s food. We eat it.”
“Gross. I think I’ll stick with French fries. Bee vomit doesn’t sound very appealing.”
“It sounds kind of gross when you put it like that. I never really thought about it.”
“This is amazing. Thanks for bringing me here.” Unster said.
Storky took his chance. He leaned in, closed his eyes and was about to kiss Unster when something hit him square in the forehead, knocking him back. “Ow! What was that?”
“A hummingbird.” She laughed, wiping the spot of blood away.
He tried again, and this time there was no bird attack.
Observation Booth
Aww.
Mervert
“Hey, Mervert! Can you come in here and give me a hand for a minute?” Techno-b-boy called out as the janitor went past the open door of the lab.
“Sure. What’s up?”
“Well, Agent Dave found something on some of the security footage, and I need a model for some tests I’m doing. Do you mind? You seem close to the same size as the guy.”
“Not a problem. I’m not doing anything that can’t wait a few minutes,” he said, thinking of the plugged toilet in the Agents bathroom in the lobby and the broken heater in the zombie vault. “I got some time. All the time you need.”
“Great! This won’t take too long. Oh, my mom made some cookies, so make sure you take some with you. Stand here, please.”
Mervert stepped up onto the platform Techno-b-boy pointed to. He got weighed and measured in all directions. Mervert was glad he’d worn the shoes with the lifts to work today. He didn’t like to feel as if he didn’t measure up.
As he left the lab, he took some cookies and Techno-b-boy thanked him again for his help.
“No problem! Not a problem at all. Glad I could help.”
Unster Gets Hypnotized
“Hello, Unster! How are you today?” Agent Quill asked me as I entered the office.
“Fine, thank you.” I sat down awkwardly on the couch. I’d made some progress physically, but I still had issues with bending or doing anything quickly.
“How have things been going? I heard about the dodge ball incident with Ned yesterday during gym. Unfortunate.”
“I didn’t mean to hit him there, or so hard with the ball.” I couldn’t go fast and was lacking in coordination, but apparently, I had amazing strength. “Do you know when he’s going to get out of the infirmary?”
“Dr. Marten said a few days lying down with some ice should fix him up and recommended some safety equipment he should wear. Luckily, we had all those baseline tests on hand so we could assess the seriousness of his injury.”
“That’s good. I feel terrible, I never wanted to hurt anyone, I reacted and just hit the ball.”
Agent Quill made some notes. “How are you enjoying the television programming?”
“I love it. Although when a new log gets added, that can sometimes be too much excitement.”
“Really? How interesting. Have you had any memories since we had our group session?”
“No. I just have vague impressions of things, nothing specific that would tell me what happened to me. Mostly, being in a cold, dark place.”
“How do you like your apartment?”
“The pink everything is creepy. It makes it hard to sleep.”
“That is very interesting. What do you want out of life Unster?”
The question caught me completely off guard. “What do you mean?”
“I mean, have you thought about what you would do if you weren’t here? Not a zombie, free to live your life, on your own terms?”
I sat on the couch, shocked. The idea honestly hadn’t even occurred to me. “I have no idea.”
“Hmm. Interesting. Now, if you will lie back on the couch, I will hypnotize you. Hopefully, we can get some answers about your past. Close your eyes, and count with me backwards from one hundred. When we reach zero, I will say the magic word, Abra-cadaver, and you will be taken back to your memories of life before you woke up at the school. Ready?”
I nodded and lay back on the couch, closing my eyes and counting down. I never heard him say the magic word.
I woke up in my apartment. Someone had moved me from Agent Quill’s office, changed me into my pyjamas, and put me to bed. It was dark. Odd. It was never dark. There was always a bit of light from the kitchen. Always. I didn’t like the dark.
