Dating the Other Daniel Cohen, page 1
Dating The Other Daniel Cohen
The Girls In Apartment 5G
KK Hendin
KK Hendin
Copyright © 2021 by KK Hendin
All rights reserved.
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Trademarked names appear throughout this book. Rather than use a trademark symbol with every occurrence of a trademarked name, names are used in an editorial fashion, with no intention of infringement of the respective owner’s trademark.
The information in this book is distributed on an “as is” basis, without warranty. Although every precaution has been taken in the preparation of this work, neither the author nor the publisher shall have any liability to any person or entity with respect to any loss or damage caused or alleged to be caused directly or indirectly by the information contained in this book.
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.
Cover Design by Sarah Kil Creative Studio
Dating The Other Daniel Cohen
In Search Of One Imaginary Boyfriend
After one disastrous date too many, Abbi Horowitz would love nothing more than to swear off dating for the rest of the foreseeable future. As it is, she’s too busy juggling a full-time job and law school to date anyone.
Unfortunately, her mother has other plans.
Desperate times call for desperate measures, and for Abbi, that means inventing a fake boyfriend that she can date for the next few months before conveniently breaking up with him when her life isn’t so hectic.
There’s no way that a plan this perfect will fail.
* * *
In Search Of One Imaginary Girlfriend
* * *
When Abbi tells her neighbor Daniel Cohen about her plans, he proposes an alternative.
Use each other’s very common Jewish names to create fake people to date for the next few months, and go on pretend dates to strengthen their tenuous cover story.
Dan’s an accountant muscling his way through busy season and barely has time to breathe, let alone attempt to date anyone at all.
Having a fake girlfriend will keep the phone calls from his mom to a minimum, and it’s not like he doesn’t already hang out with Abbi all the time.
* * *
It’s a flawless plan. Nothing will ruin it.
* * *
Not last-minute Pesach plans, not Jewish geography, and definitely not any unexpected feelings.
Contents
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
A Note From The Author
Acknowledgments
Also by KK Hendin
About the Author
To D, for being my apocalypse buddy through the weirdest Pesach of our lives.
Chapter One
Abbi Horowitz looked across the table at the man holding a taxidermied rat and wondered if she would ever be allowed back in her favorite cafe after this. When he had asked her if there was anywhere in specific she liked to visit, she had mentioned this cafe without a second thought. It was fairly close to where she worked, and she would occasionally come in here during her breaks to get some studying done. She didn’t think telling him to meet her here would be a bad idea.
In retrospect, maybe she should have thought otherwise. The barista was giving him a look that Abbi could only describe as mildly concerned, which in New York was akin to abject terror.
Abbi smiled politely across the table and wondered how much longer she would have to stay.
Minus his confusing affinity for taxidermy, the fact that he was far too religious for her, and the fact that he was just as confused as she was about being there with her, there was nothing overtly wrong about him.
Probably.
You never really knew.
Now would be a great time for one of her roommates to have an ‘emergency’ of some sort. The problem was, she couldn’t get to her phone to text them.
At least the coffee was good. She would take her wins where she found them.
One and a half excruciating hours later, Abbi slumped in her seat on the subway, thrilled that she had at least managed to convince Taxidermy Guy (whose name she did not remember) that she didn’t need him to take her home.
She would have to go back into the cafe the next day, tip extra, and promise that she would never bring another first (and last) date in there again.
Dan had been right. Never bring a first date anywhere you actually like, in case things go sideways and it haunts the place forever. She hoped he would be on the subway the next morning because this nightmare date would delight him to no end.
This date was also the very last straw when it came to Abbi indulging her mother’s terrible habit of finding entirely unsuitable men to not so casually suggest that Abbi go out with them. She was going to have to find a new way to make her mother happy, because mounting evidence proved that these dates never ended well.
When Abbi walked through the front door, Shira was doing yoga in the living room. “Oh, hey,” she said as she gracefully transitioned to child’s pose. “How was?”
“He had a taxidermied rat,” Abbi said.
Shira blinked. “He had a what?”
“A rat,” Abbi said as she slumped on the couch, kicking her shoes off. “A rat that once was alive, and is now dead and stuffed like some sort of horror movie teddy bear.”
“Did you know about the taxidermy situation before you showed up on the date?” Shira asked.
“Why would I have known that?”
“I dunno, maybe it came up in conversation. Or in a google search.” Shira looked up. “You did google him before you went out, didn’t you?”
“Of course I googled him! And no, it definitely did not. Do you think I would have gone out with him if it had?”
“I mean, maybe? It’s not the weirdest thing that a person you’ve gone on a date with has done for a hobby.”
“If anything, that should have been a red flag about everybody I’ve ever dated.”
Shira nodded sympathetically. “So, one and done?”
“If he has gotten me banned from my favorite cafe, I’m going to cry forever.” Abbi reached into her sweater to unhook her bra.
“Oh, no. You met him there?”
“Well, I didn’t realize he was going to show up with a taxidermied rat!” Abbi pulled her bra through her sleeve and sighed in relief.
“Good point.” Shira moved into downward facing dog.
“And now I get to spend the next four hours studying, which I could have been doing instead of listening to a man talk about the process of making taxidermy things.” Abbi leaned back into the couch. “You know, I’m sure that would be interesting in concept, but in the actual practice of assessing a human being for a romantic relationship, maybe not so much.”
“I mean, everything is interesting to somebody.”
“You’re too nice, Shira.”
Shira laughed. “Nah. Just trying to find a bright side for you.”
“Well, I did use part of the time to at least consider the legal ramifications of taxidermizing different animals and what the overlap of laws are when it comes to live, dead, and stuffed dead animals. Which, while an interesting way to spend a few minutes, was not enough for me to write off the fact that I just spent all this time with this dude who, please God, I will never ever see again.” She paused, thought. “Nobody’s moved into the building since Noam, right?”
“Not that I know of. But you’re normally the one who updates me on new neighbors.”
“Because your schedule is weird and you’re not usually home to meet them.”
Shira nodded. “Well, hopefully, you don’t have to see him again. And not that it necessarily makes up for it, but you look really pretty.”
“Thanks,” Abbi said. “I tried a new lipstick, and I learned that it holds up through awkward coffee dates. That’s got to be worth something.”
“Worth a lot of somethings,” Shira said. “And at least it’s Thursday?”
Abbi nodded fervently. “Seriously. If I would have to do today all over again tomorrow, even without seeing a taxidermied animal, I would probably cry.”
Shayna walked out of the kitchen. “Did you say taxidermy?”
Abbi nodded. “Yup.”
“I think that means you won,” Shayna said, eyes wide.
“Listen, I love winning things as much as anyone else, but I really don’t like the fact that I’ve won this one,” Abbi replied. “And anyway, I think Riva is going to be the one to judge that, considering she’s usually the winner of the most terrible dates.”
“Collectively, sure. But you may have won with just this one.”
“Watch,” Abbi said. “Someone’s gonna try to set him up with Riva, too.”
“Do you remember his name, so you can let her know in case somebody does, in fact, try to set her up with him, she can just say no immediately?”
Abbi paused. “Didn’t I text the chat his information before the date?”
“You did,” Shira said from her yoga mat. “And then when you left the date, you said something along the lines of, ‘No need to summon a duo of female podcasters with an affinity for true crime to find my killer’.”
Shayna shook her head. “I don’t understand how you just don’t remember any of their names.”
“Well, if they make an impression…”
“A taxidermied animal isn’t an impression?”
“I guess it is.”
“You guess?” Shayna laughed. “At least now you hopefully have an excuse to say no to the next wonderful gentleman your mother tries to set you up with.”
Abbi sighed. “If only my life could be that easy.”
“We’ll find something, Abs. Or someone.”
“Easier said than done.”
“I know. But we’ll make an attempt.” Shayna smiled. “Shira, are we ruining your zen?”
“Nah,” Shira said. “Thanks for the debrief, Abs. Happy studying.”
“Thanks,” Abbi replied and took her bra and shoes into her bedroom. She changed out of the rest of her clothing, put on some oversized sweats, did her full skincare routine, pulled her long dark hair up into a messy bun, and then went to go sit at her desk with her pile of homework.
And because she was needing a little bit more self-care than usual, she turned on an episode of Dateline. You would think that being a second-year law student would be enough to make her mother understand that she didn’t have the free time to just date every single man thrown her way. But apparently, you would be wrong.
She looked at the clock. Ten fifteen.
It was a good thing Shabbos still started fairly early. She was absolutely going to be taking a nap before the meal, because it didn’t look like she was going to get any sleep tonight.
MOM: You’re home now? How was? Wasn’t he great??
ABBI: Mom, where did you meet this guy again?
MOM: I attended a lecture he gave at shul a few weeks ago, and then was chatting with him after. I told you that.
ABBI: You forgot to tell me he likes taxidermy.
ABBI: And so did his social media.
MOM: Taxidermy???
ABBI: He brought a rat with him like this was some sort of show-and-tell.
MOM: He said something about being interested in taxes. At least, I thought he said taxes. It was loud.
ABBI: Maybe he also enjoys April 15th. But I’m pretty sure he said taxidermy. What did you say when he told you that?
MOM: I told him that you’d just taken a class about that.
ABBI: Oh nooooooooooo
MOM: Well, didn’t you just take a class on tax law?
ABBI: I had, but that’s not the same thing as taking dead animals and stuffing them? Preserving them? I can honestly say I wasn’t really paying attention when he was explaining.
MOM: Other than the taxidermy, was he a nice boy?
ABBI: I mean, he was nice, I guess.
MOM: So, are you going to go out with him again?
ABBI: No, Mom. I will not.
MOM: Why not? You said he was nice!
ABBI: Well, minus the troubling hobby, he was also way too religious for me.
MOM: It’s okay. I know the next one will be the one.
ABBI: …what next one?
MOM: I didn’t tell you? Aunt Susie had a great idea for you. One of her friends has a son.
MOM: I’ll check with her to make sure he doesn’t have any interesting hobbies like that.
ABBI: Mom, no. I really don’t have time to date anyone now. Please don’t encourage Aunt Susie.
MOM: Susie says he’s really cute and as far as she knows he doesn’t have any interesting hobbies, but she’s not sure what you count as an interesting hobby.
ABBI: Mommmmm seriously I do not have time
MOM: I’ll tell Susie to give him your number.
ABBI: Mom. Please. No.
MOM: Why not? You never know, Abbi. What’s the worst that can happen?
ABBI: I get brutally murdered?
MOM: Avigayil.
ABBI: Mom.
Chapter Two
Was busy season like having a child? Dan Cohen wondered as he sat through yet another meeting that could have just been an email. Forgetting just how horrible it was, and when the next one comes around, having some semblance of optimism that it won’t be too bad until it was too late?
Considering that Dan had never had a child, he couldn’t pass judgment. But in concept, it sounded similar. If you asked him in December how much he was dreading busy season, Dan’s answer would have been significantly more optimistic than the answer he would have had in January.
February Dan?
February Dan hadn’t had a full night’s sleep in so long, he wasn’t sure he would be able to give any sort of coherent answer. It was Thursday evening, and he had been at work since seven, with no signs of going home any time before midnight.
The meeting finished up, and Dan headed back to his desk so he could sort through the mountain of work that the client had just emailed. He debated the merits of making another cup of coffee and decided that he would make better life and caffeine choices tomorrow.
It wasn’t like he was going to be getting all that much sleep tonight, but tomorrow was Friday. And winter Shabbosim meant that there was a small chance he’d actually be able to get a human amount of sleep.
He grabbed his thermos and headed to one of the break rooms to get a refill.
Steve was standing by the coffee machines when Dan came in. “You, too?”
Dan laughed. “Gotta stay awake somehow.”
“And this is your only legal option?”
Dan considered. “I mean, probably?”
Steve nodded. “Every year around busy season I debate the merits of… well, pretty much everything. Never actually do anything about it.”
“I don’t think any thought one has during busy season can be used as a legal basis for anything,” Dan said. “It’s not like any of us are sound of mind.”
“Ain’t that the truth.” Steve picked up his coffee, added a spoon of sugar, and stirred. “So. Who’s the lawyer?”
“Huh?”
“My husband’s a lawyer,” Steve explained. “Those are the kinds of conclusions you only jump to if you spend time with one.”
“One of my friends is in law school,” Dan offered. Was the reason he jumped to that thought because of Abbi? It was possible. Abbi Horowitz was his favorite neighbor, and one of his closest friends.
“So the two of you are suffering together?”
“I suppose,” Dan said. “And then a third friend is in medical school. So, it’s just a whole party of people who are existing on absolutely no sleep.”
“No sleep at all,” Steve agreed. “But look at that. I’m sure your mothers are proud. All you’re missing is a rabbi, and then you’d have the whole party of preferred Jewish mother professions.”
“My former roommate is finishing rabbinical school,” Dan said. “So, I guess we really are just a party of nachas.”
Steve grinned. “The only way to level up is if one of you decided to go back to school and get a second Jewish Mom Profession. Any interest in rabbinical school, Dan?”
“With what free time?”
“Free time is for people who don’t know how to read financial statements.”
