Hunting Butterflies, page 11
part #1 of Second Kisses Series
"Dex, I know last night was bad. Can we just forget about my attempt to drown myself in a bottle of whiskey and then give you a—"
"Lily, stop talking!" Dee shouted, followed by a slightly hysterical giggle.
That got me to crack my eyes open. The sight in front of me had me trying to crawl under the pillow my head had been resting on.
Tristan sat in the arm chair across from the sofa where I apparently slept last night. His forearms rested on his thighs, and his beautiful eyes were dimmed with fatigue. "Oh, go on. Please finish your thought."
"Well, this is uncomfortable." Dee nervously smoothed her hands down her wrinkled dress. "I'm going to go find anywhere else to be."
I waited for Dee to shut the door to the room she disappeared into before I tossed the blanket off and swung my legs around to face him. "What are you doing here?"
He sat up taller and took a deep breath. "Who are you? This isn't like you."
I stood up and glared at him. "How would you know? I'm not the girl you left behind to find fame and fortune. My life didn't pause in your absence. It's been ten years!"
Leaving the room dramatically would have been a great follow up move here, but there was the small manner of not having a clue where Declan's apartment was located, or where my purse was for that manner, which would make calling a cab pretty much impossible. Instead of the dramatic exit, I chose to stare sullenly out of Dex's picture window.
Tristan risked coming near me and leaned against the window sill, watching me. "I'm trying. I want to get to know you again, but then I come near and you run as fast as you can."
I sighed. "It's been one day. You showed up out of the blue, and I needed some space to think. So I came here to reconnect with an old friend and find that space, but then there you were with her."
My eyes started to sting, and I blinked rapidly to fight the tears I could feel coming. Despite my best effort one sneaked passed me, and I quickly wiped it away. I hated myself for crying over this, but my life was a mess, and this last bit of weight made my burdens too heavy to bear.
I looked away from him, trying to hide as much of my face as possible. "I never imagined I'd see the two of you together for real. The first time I saw pictures of the two of you together was pretty soon after your dad told me you'd pay for me to take care of our baby. After that, I couldn't escape them. Everyone at school wouldn't stop talking about how wonderful it was you'd escaped Roslyn."
There was no use fighting the tears as they streamed freely down my face. The only defense I had was to turn my back to him. I'm not sure what motivated me to unload old demons on him, but I couldn't hold everything inside anymore.
"You did it. You got away from a fate of certain mediocrity, and I'm proud of you. I am. What you've accomplished is really impressive. I get it now. I would have held you back, and you would have hated me for it. But you'll have to forgive me for not wanting to see you two together while my life is still in the process of falling apart."
He put his hand on my shoulder to turn me around, but I reached out and gripped the wall to keep him from seeing my tear stained face. "There is so much we need to talk about. Please don't shut me out."
A hiccupping sound escaped my mouth while I tried to shove down the sobs percolating in my chest. "Not today."
I felt the heat from his body right before his arms came around me. We stood silently for a moment, and then his chin came to rest on my shoulder. "Take a chance, Lily. At least talk to me."
"You know this is my mom's second battle with cancer, right?"
His arms tightened around me slightly. "Yes. I'm sorry I wasn't around the first time."
"I was lost when she told me, and I felt so alone. I wasn't really, but at the time it seemed like I was. Dee and Adam had Adam Junior to take care of, and Dex was seeing some hippie chick. She was really artsy, and hated my guts, so I was trying to stay out of their way.
"Henry wasn't someone I saw myself with, but at the time, he was a decent distraction. Until the night Mom told me she was sick, which was the same day I'd seen some girl in the quad reading a magazine that announced your engagement. That's all it took was one horribly bad day, a lot of vodka, and my fate was sealed.
"I got pregnant that night. A few months later, Henry had talked me into marrying him, and by the end of the year he'd pressured me into moving to Alabama. I finished school online, but I still haven't been able to use my degree."
"Has all of the last ten years been bad?" he asked quietly.
"No, not all of it. The birth of my son was definitely a high point. It's been rough, but if I had to go through all of it for him, then it was worth it. I couldn't imagine life without him. I know every parent says that, but if Henry was able to take him, I can't imagine how bleak everything would be without him to brighten my days."
Tristan's breathing sounded rough, but I wasn't brave enough to face him. "I had no idea. You have to know I didn't just leave you. There are so many lies that shoved us apart. And for what? So I'd do another fucking movie? Make another million? Be seen with the right women to craft the image to sell more tickets so others could make more money?"
I patted his hand, and he released his hold on me. Finally, I mustered the strength to face him. "I have no idea what you're talking about."
He raked his hands roughly through his hair. "I know. I never should have left you. I didn't want to, but I'd just found out my dad was sick. He made me promise to go on that stupid road trip to see his brother in California. I told him I'd take a step away and take some time to think, but I never thought I'd be gone more than a couple months at the most.
"Some of the things he said made sense. I didn't want either of us to regret settling down young, so I went. About a week after I left I broke my phone and I had to get a new one. My dad said he'd have you call me, but you never did. Then when I'd been gone a month, he told me you'd moved on. He emailed me pictures of you out with some guy."
I laughed once without humor. "Let me guess. Was it a picture of Declan and I?"
He shrugged. "Now you understand why I thought he was your ex. Dad made it sound like the two of you were together. Then I heard you guys were living together. When he told me you got married, I didn't bother checking the details. I honestly thought the two of you had been together since I left. How much could you have really loved me if you replaced me that quickly?"
"You mean like you did? How long had you been gone before you and Amber got together?"
He rolled his eyes. "That is not even close to the same thing. Yes, she and I were together. Kind of. It started out as a photo op for the movie. Then they pushed and pushed. After a while we both caved to the pressure and started dating for real. The studio thought the engagement announcement would really sell tickets to the last movie in the franchise if our relationship mirrored the couple we were playing. It worked for them, but Amber and I were never that serious. At least I wasn't. As soon as I was free of all the contractual obligations I had to the film, I ended things with her."
I scoffed and took a small step back from him. "Yeah, it really looked over the way you two were standing close together last night."
Tristan growled in frustration. "My manager is trying to convince me to sign on to the second trilogy for the Central Coven franchise. It's shit, though. The author only wrote three books and hasn't signed on for the extension, but the studio found a loophole in the contract that gave them all the film rights to the story, whether there is a story to back it or not. Amber wants to do it because nothing she's done since has been as big."
I hung my head and rubbed my temples. This was a lot of information to get while hungover. "You weren't kidding when you said there were a lot of lies keeping us apart. Lies that kept you from coming home or calling me. Lies that made me think you didn't care I was alone and pregnant. Lies that roped you into a Hollywood romance, and lies that trapped me in a loveless marriage."
"What lies?" he asked.
"I lied to him every day I wore his ring and let him believe I ever loved him. I never told him about you. It was like if I didn't tell him about you or our baby I could keep those memories to guide me through my day to day. But even that was a lie I told myself because I held on to the dream that you ever loved me."
Tristan stepped into my bubble and slipped his large hand around the back of my neck, tilting my head until I was looking into his eyes. "That wasn't a lie. I've loved you since I was a kid, and no one has ever come close to taking your place."
I put my hand on his chest to keep him from coming closer because I was close to melting for him. "How am I supposed to believe you? You believed the lies your dad told you so easily. I tried for months to contact you, but you just let me go."
"What can I do? I won't walk away this time. What can I do to fight for us?"
I smiled at him. It was small and gone quickly, but for a moment I felt something I hadn't for years. Hope. "You're off to the right start." I shrugged. "Time. I need time to see for myself that it'll be different. And you and I need to repair our friendship first. That was what made me think we would be together forever when we were teens. You were my best friend. I need you to be my friend again."
He kissed me on top of my head. "I can do that. But I think we need to promise to be honest with each other from here forward."
"That's probably a good idea."
Tristan smirked, it was the cocky half smile women around the world obsessed over, and the same one that had been driving me crazy since junior high. "In the interest of being completely honest, I'm not sure I won't try and steal a kiss at least."
He was teasing. I liked playful Tristan, but I needed a gallon of coffee before I was in a joking mood. "I need this. I don't want to open my heart to you until you know me again. I'm not the girl I was, and to continue being truthful, the woman I am is barely holding it together. I'm broken, Tristan. I need to know you want me as I am now."
The muscle in his jaw ticked over the joint. "The fact that you feel you need to warn me about how you are now makes me want to go break his face. I'll give you time, not because I need it to find out if I still want to be with you, though. This will be all about me proving to you that I do."
Please, Tristan, please prove it to me.
Chapter Thirteen
Lily
The drive home from Seattle proved to be a special circle of hell. My hangover was in full swing and my son decided that the time being trapped together in the car was the perfect time to describe to me in detail about the 'really cool' video game Adam brought with him.
I probably caught a few words per sentence, but I nodded and mhmm'd when I thought appropriate as he continued to prattle on about some 'super cool' something that 'blew up' something else.
My fingers itched to turn on the radio, but I didn't want Matty to think I was trying to shut him up. I mean I was, but only because I couldn't concentrate on 'exploding aliens' and the road at the same time, and honestly, I hated video games.
Mercifully, when we got home, he ran off to find the next door neighbor, allowing me to collapse on the couch. I heard my mother outside talking to the boys while she tended to her roses. Since I knew he was being looked after, I slept like the dead for the next two hours and woke more human than zombie.
Matty stumbled inside and was eager to watch cartoons on Netflix. I shuffled my way upstairs to stand under a stream of hot water until the rest of my hangover disappeared or the water turned cold, which ever came first. It was a great idea in theory, but I was still too lethargic to stand upright long enough for the water to even get tepid.
Shoving my mass of soaked, dark hair out of my face with one hand, I extended the other outside the shower for a towel. Since Matty was occupied downstairs, I figured it was safe to travel the short distance down the hallway to my room in the miniscule towel that barely covered both my nipples and my ass.
I bumped my door open with my hip and quickly shut it behind me. My wet hair streamed cold water down my body, causing my skin to erupt in goosebumps. Shivering a little, I released hold of the towel to swipe the frigid water from my skin.
"I feel like I should stop you right now, but I really don't want to."
Squealing, I spun around, accidentally dropping the towel, to find Tristan sitting in a chair in the corner of my room. This would have been a good time to have a robe hanging on the back of my door, but my only current option was to bend over to retrieve the towel. The idea of him seeing my stretch marks and C-section scar made me want to cover myself, but bending over and showing my soft stomach roll in a way it hadn't when I was seventeen kept me standing.
Tristan didn't turn his eyes away. Instead, they seemed to heat to a more golden shade while he let his gaze slowly take me in. Nervously, I wrapped my arm around my chest and tried to cover my mound with my hand. Why hadn't I gotten into the habit of shaving there?
He'd probably seen many beautiful women in the years since we'd been together, and I couldn't imagine I could possibly measure up against any of them. The marks and experience of motherhood were written on my body, and while I was proud of my life, I wasn't sure I felt comfortable showing my imperfections to him.
The funny thing was that sex with Henry was a miserable experience, and even though he was most often degrading, I never once worried about how my body appeared nude. The stretch marks were caused by our child, and they were a part of our story as a couple. How would Tristan see them? If he even remotely enjoyed looking at me this exposed, wouldn't those same marks always be a reminder of the years we spent apart?
My breathing hitched, and my eyes started to sting with wetness. Exhaustion and vulnerability were hammering against my usually tough exterior.
Tristan unfolded himself from the small chair and stalked toward me. Seeing him always made my chest tighten with the racing of my heart. No one ever made me feel the way he did, like I was standing on the edge of a cliff both fearing and desiring the fall.
He stood in front of me, silently watching me have a freak out. I couldn't withstand his searing gaze a moment longer, not with the heat of his body warming my naked flesh. My head dropped forward in the only escape that didn't feel like retreat.
Gently, his hand came under my chin and tipped my face back up toward his. "You don't need to hide from me. You are even more beautiful today than you were ten years ago. The next time I see you like this, I want you to believe it."
He reached behind his neck and pulled his T-shirt over his head. For a moment, my focus wasn't on my naked skin, but his. I studied every defined ridge and mentally compared it against my memory of our brief relationship.
While I ogled him, he pulled the shirt over the top of my head. His shirt fell to the middle of my thighs, but I still tugged on the hem to pull it down farther. Ten years ago, being naked in front of him was exhilarating, but now I felt like more than my flesh was exposed.
"Go to dinner with me." He said it like an order, but his voice wavered and I could hear the vulnerability laced with his words.
It didn't fit with my perception of him, but it made me feel like we were on a more even ground. My throat felt thick with the emotions swirling through my blood stream, so I nodded my answer. Fighting my feelings for Tristan was exhausting and it felt wrong. He was a part of me, and I was starting to believe I was a part of him.
I'd lived without him, but I wouldn't call the last ten years of my life living. I'd survived without him. I could again, but what if I didn't have to?
He shifted his weight back and forth between both feet. "I'll let you get dressed."
As soon as the door closed behind him, I tore off his T-shirt and pulled open my lingerie drawer. Digging past my cotton underwear, I reached the few pairs of sexy underwear and bras that I owned. With Tristan, you never knew where the night would lead, and I didn't want to be unprepared. It wasn't that I wanted to rush things, but I wasn't holding back anymore.
I dressed quickly, but carefully, in a fitted pair of jeans and my favorite blouse. Henry always complained that it was too revealing, but it made me feel sexy. I shoved thoughts of Henry from my head and took the first step torward living my life.
Laughter floated up the stairs. I recognized the sound of my son's chuckle followed by a deeper masculine one. I descended the stairs and found Tristan and Matty engaged in an epic video game battle.
I paused just outside their view, watching, when a small hand slid up my back. "It's the small things that make the flutters start. Never forget that, and don't take it for granted."
"Mom," I whispered. There was a tone in her voice. She was saying goodbye to me in pieces, but that wasn't going to soften the blow. Losing her was going to be hard, no matter how long I had to get used to the reality. Somehow, I didn't think I'd have very long to try.
I turned to look at her. Had she gotten sicker in the hours since I'd last seen her? There was a greyish pallor to her skin, and the dark circles under her eyes looked like angry bruises.
"If you don't have plans tonight, would you like to have a movie night with me?" she asked.
I nodded. Tristan would understand. Henry would have pulled a guilt trip, but the anxiety I felt in my marriage was absent with Tristan. There were plenty of other things that caused stress between us, but he would never hold my loyalty to my loved ones against me.
"Do you think we could rope Tristan into watching it with us? I get such a kick out of watching him pretend to hate chick flicks."
I giggled. Stepping back in time before he and I started dating to when things were simple sounded perfect. It wasn't just the trauma of my marriage and the heartbreak of the end of my relationship with Tristan I wanted to forget, but maybe for one night I could forget the clock counting down on the time with my mother.
