Bad Boy Blues, page 34
In those five seconds, I’m fraught with panic that he’ll leave. And relief that it won’t cut me every day to look at him, and not be able to touch him.
Then he looks up and his eyes are glassy. Vulnerable. Overflowing with emotions.
“I remembered something the other day,” he begins. “When I was in that hole, I was scared. I thought no one would find me. They wouldn’t even bother looking. I was a pain in the ass. Why would they look for me? So I lay there, watching the sky. It felt like I was somewhere deep. It was hot and muggy and the sky looked so far away. And then, I saw a shooting star. It was quick. Just a flash, but it was enough that I closed my eyes and made a wish.”
He chuckles. “Goes to show how desperate I was. I didn’t believe in wishes. Do you know what I wished for?”
Speechless, I shake my head.
“I wished for someone who’d care for me. Someone who’d love me. Who would put up with me and all the destructive things that I just felt compelled to do. I wished for someone soft. Someone shiny and bright. But more than that, I wished for someone I could be better for. I wished for you. And then, I found you but I was too fucking blind to see it. I was too angry and wrapped up in myself to realize you were it. That you were a star. No matter how much dirt I threw on you, you just kept shining. And I kept watching you do it.
“It’ll destroy me to watch you belong to someone else. I’ll die a little every day if you give your smiles to him. It’ll fucking gut me to watch you build a future with him. A future I could’ve had with you but I was too fucked up to reach for it. But I’ll watch you, no matter what. In your letter, you said that you’ll watch the stars every night. Well, you’re my star, Blue. I can’t not watch you. I always thought that love makes you bleed. But I guess that’s okay. I’ll take it. If you’re happy with some other guy, Blue, I’ll take the bleeding. Because I love you.”
Right in front of me, Zach grows taller. Broader. His body becomes tighter. The tendons on his neck stand out, that vein pulsing.
He’s growing in front of me, becoming stronger somehow, and all I can do is witness it mutely. Tearfully.
And when he puts his hand on me, I can’t stop him.
I don’t want to. I’ve lost all my strength. I have nothing left in me but… him.
He’s running in my veins and beating in my chest.
“I’m in love with you, Blue,” he whispers, his thumbs working on wiping off my tears. “You were right. But it didn’t start that day. It didn’t start in that detention room. It started long ago, probably in that hole. Maybe even before I was born. I haven’t just loved you for years, I’ve loved you for lifetimes. Because I don’t love you with just my heart. Heart’s just an organ. It can be ripped away from the body, stomped on, squashed into a pulp. I don’t love you with all my heart. I love you with all my soul. You’re in the core of me. You’re in my fucking essence. And no one can take that away from me. Not even death.”
He drops his forehead onto mine and I’m outright sobbing.
I’m a mess.
I’m such a fucking mess that it’s embarrassing.
It’s so bad that Zach has to clutch me to his warm, hard chest, and I wind my arms around him, clinging to him like I’m drowning.
I have no idea how long I slobber all over him but finally, my tears have dried up and I move away to look at his face.
Tracing his cheekbones, I whisper, “It’s cold out.”
His lips twitch. “I know.”
“Why aren’t you wearing a sweater? A jacket.”
He looks at my jacket. It’s blue and puffy, the first thing I bought for myself the day we arrived. “I guess I forgot.”
I fist his uniform. “You’re an idiot.”
“I am.”
“I ruined your uniform.”
He looks down at the wet splotch on his chest. “I made you cry.”
“You’re always doing that.”
At my statement, he bores his eyes into me before stepping back.
And then, he takes my breath away as he comes down to his knees.
“What are you…” I ask. “What’re you doing?”
Looking up, he says, “Making a promise to you.”
“What promise?”
“I know I fucked up. I know I’ve fucked up a million times over the years. I don’t deserve you. I don’t deserve to breathe the same air as you. But if by some miracle, you give me a chance, Blue, I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to prove to you that I can be better. That I’m the guy who wished for you on a night long ago and he realizes that.”
This isn’t the first time Zach’s been on his knees in front of me. This isn’t the first time I’m looking down at him.
But it feels like it.
All those other times were for sex, because he wanted to taste me, but this is… subjugation. This is role-reversal.
This is him asking me, begging me to give him a chance.
I take in his wind-ruffled hair and his magnificent face. The sun’s bare minimum but still, his bronzed skin shines under it.
Even on his knees, he looks like a prince.
My prince.
“Okay.”
His eyes flare. “Okay?”
A smile blooms on my face. “Yeah. Okay.”
“Are you kidding?”
Something about that makes me laugh. My coat hits me mid-thigh and my bare limbs graze his chest as I step closer to him. “No. Get up. The ground’s cold.”
Still, he doesn’t move. He’s watching me seriously, like his entire life depends on it.
“I love you, Zach. I’ve loved you forever. I don’t know how I lived apart from you when you were gone for three years. Maybe it was easier then because I didn’t know I loved you. All I felt for you was this deep-seated passion that I thought was hate. But now? Now I know how it feels to love you and it’s hard. It’s so much harder to survive without you.”
His hands come up to my waist. “I’ll never put you through anything like that again. I’ll never leave you.”
Bending down, I kiss him lightly. “I know. But you gotta get up. My break’s over and you have to kiss me thoroughly.”
“I have to?” he teases.
“Uh-huh. I’m dying here.”
Chuckling, he presses a kiss on my mouth before getting up and heaving me in his arms in that typical way of his.
And then he kisses me. Thoroughly.
They call him the Dark Prince.
Rumor has it that he has the blackest pair of eyes anyone has ever seen. And equally black hair.
Although, no one can say for sure because he always has his helmet on – it’s a big, black thing that hides his entire face, and he leaves right after the show. He isn’t much for the fanfare or stuff like that.
Nope. He’s all about the bike.
The bike he calls Blue.
He can do a wheelie with his eyes closed and he can fly over holes. When he’s in the air, he flips his bike like it weighs nothing. The crowd goes wild over him, chanting and screaming out his stage name.
Tonight, he’s going to take a ride on the wall of death.
It sounds ominous and I swear it is with the way I’m shaking at just the thought of it. It’s a well type thingy where the bikers start at the bottom, slowly gaining speed as they circle and circle. Until they gain enough momentum to ride parallel to the ground.
It’s supposed to be based on a very simple principle of physics but I wasn’t into science much back in school.
It all feels like magic to me. A magic that can go wrong at any time.
Although, Zach’s been practicing for it for weeks now. I’ve seen him do it and he does it beautifully.
Even so, I’m nervous.
I guess I’ll always be nervous when he goes on stage. He’s the most precious thing in the world to me.
He’s the love of my life.
And I’m waiting for him at the rink, hanging over the railing, getting jostled in the crowd, impatient for him to come out. He’s the last one to go on and it feels like I haven’t seen him for days. When I only saw him a few hours ago at the house we’re staying in for the next few weeks.
We’re in Vegas for the carnival where he’s performing. His friends from New York tipped him off and now, we’re sharing an apartment with them.
They are a good bunch; I met them a couple of days ago when we arrived. Although, Zach gets a little territorial when they talk to me. He’s asked me to stay away from them and be by his side all the time.
I usually roll my eyes at him when he gets this jealous and tell him he isn’t the boss of me. And he proceeds to prove me wrong by playing with my body like he owns it.
He does. I’ve no shame or reservations in admitting that.
I own him too.
And now, I’m getting all sorts of turned on, standing in the middle of the crowd. I can’t wait for him to come out and be done with it so we can go back and be alone.
He gets all sweaty and impatient after one of his shows.
Although, in all fairness, this is only the second one I’ll see him perform for a crowd. Last time was at a carnival like this in New York. That show was wild. We were there for about a week and every night was amazing.
I still can’t believe how popular he is with the crowd. How people chant for him and how girls go crazy.
That, I don’t like and I’m glad he isn’t interested in fame or whatever.
He’s only interested in me.
He shows me that every day. He’s been showing it to me for the past six months, ever since he got down on his knees and asked me to give him a chance.
We decided to stay in Blue Dot because we both love the place. The cold weather, the mountains, the lake. There’s so much sky there and everything is so wide and open and blue.
It feels like freedom.
We live together now, in the same apartment he got through his job at the shop. In the beginning, I thought it would be a little awkward. Moving in together when we’ve never even really dated.
But it wasn’t.
Nothing with Zach is ever awkward. It’s always filled with passion, yes. Intensity and an in-born heat. But it’s never weird. Even when we clash, we clash so gloriously and naturally, like two celestial bodies meant to crash and burn and yet, still somehow orbit around each other.
Anyway for the first few weeks, I took the bedroom and he slept on the couch. We were sort of roommates.
Roommates who were irrevocably in love with each other.
We went on dates, explored the town, made some friends. It was Zach’s way of making me feel cherished, doing the right thing by me. By the end of his courting though, I was bursting out of seams. I wanted his hands on me, his lips, his teeth. I wanted to be able to dive into his arms whenever I wanted and I wanted him to sink into my softness whenever he wanted.
Good thing, he was about to combust, too.
So, we graduated from being roommates to being girlfriend and boyfriend a month after we moved in.
Zach doesn’t like that term: girlfriend and boyfriend. He thinks it’s childish. But whatever. I like it. It makes me think that we’re young and in love and the time we lost fighting and hurting each other wasn’t as long.
In reality thought, it was close to a decade.
A decade of hate and screw ups and misery. When we could’ve been there for each other, through years of bullying.
I could’ve told him that he was amazing when his Dad beat him down and his mom didn’t care enough. And he could’ve made me realize that it didn’t matter that I didn’t possess a society- certified body or if my hair was blue or if I came from the other side of town, I was still beautiful to him.
We could’ve saved each other so much heartache.
But I’m glad we’re together now. Us against the world.
I’m glad I was with him when his mom passed away a couple of months ago.
Mrs. S called him with the news and we headed back to Princetown the very next day for the funeral.
We saw everyone: Maggie, Mrs. S, Grace, Tina, Leslie and Art. He’s doing great and he’s gotten so big. I can’t wait for the day when he’s the tallest kid in his class. No one will have the guts to pick on him.
Zach’s dad was there at the funeral too. He met with Zach like the whole prison incident never happened. Like, Zach never punched him and Mr. Prince never slapped Mrs. Prince.
As expected, nothing came of that incident, anyway.
I don’t know what’s wrong with rich people but I’m glad we’re out of that town. I’m glad Zach’s moving on.
He did the eulogy that he wrote himself.
I’ve never been prouder of him. Not even when he brought home books and notebooks and told me that he wanted to learn.
He wanted to be better. For himself.
Every night before going to sleep, we read together. It feels like a dream, where we’re naked and sweaty, wrapped up in a sheet, reading about love and passion.
Who knew reading could be so hot? Who knew I’d want to do it for the rest of my life? Maybe even get a degree in literature. But I’m not thinking that far ahead right now.
Right now, I’m in love.
I look down when the announcer introduces Zach aka The Dark Prince.
It’s a mini-version of a stadium with the well at the bottom and spectator area up top. I’m two floors up and the bottom looks way deeper than it did a second ago. Swallowing, I scan the wall that Zach will be riding on, going in circles.
God, I don’t want to imagine how far up the top is from the bottom and how hard the ground looks. Why can’t they have safety nets or something?
Why do they have to make it so dangerous?
I grip the railing tightly when the door on the far side of the well opens and Zach emerges from it.
He has his helmet on and his outfit is all black. Hence, the name.
He rides out to the middle, churning gravel in his wake and the sounds are deafening. I just stand there like a mute, on shaking legs as I watch him revving the bike and looking so invincible down there.
But he’s not invincible.
He’s just a… guy. A layered, beautiful guy I’m in love with and I’m so scared for him.
Blowing out a breath, I look up at the sky. It’s studded with stars.
Our stars.
They feel like ours now, mine and Zach’s. We watch them night after night, through the window above our bed. Sometimes, I watch them when he moves inside of me. Fast and furious, or slow and lazy.
I look to them now and ask them to keep him safe.
Please, keep him safe.
I whip my gaze down when the roar of his bike rises higher than the chant of the crowd. And then, he’s taking off. He rides toward the wall at a speed that steals my breath and before I can even blink, he slides up.
He’s there, on the wall.
I lean over the railing, hang my body out like so many other people as he circles the wall. He circles and circles, inching higher, gaining speed.
When he reaches the top, I bite my lip so hard I taste my blood. It’s metallic and full of nerves as I watch him finally go parallel to the ground.
In this moment, my nerves abate a little.
They’re there, of course but something else creeps in.
Something like adrenaline.
I feel like it’s coming from him. Just as he hits the top-most part of the wall, he feels elated. He feels like he’s conquered the world. He’s touching the sky because in this moment, he’s a star himself. Dark but still, bright.
And I smile even as my eyes sting.
It’s like I can feel him, his emotions through the space. I can feel how much he loves it. How much he revels in it.
This is freedom for him.
Butterflies flap just under my ribs and I put a hand on my stomach. I’m shaking but not just from the nerves.
I’m shaking from watching him go round and round. I’m shaking from watching him go down this man-made hole and come back up. All in a blink of an eye.
He’s light as air, and gravity doesn’t mean anything to him.
Zach doesn’t follow the basic laws of nature. He’s above that.
He is the dark prince.
He’s my prince and when his act is over and he brings his bike to the middle of the well again, I turn around.
I make my way through the chanting crowd and rush down the stairs. There’s a staff entrance at the bottom of the stadium and I flash my visitor pass to the guy standing guard.
The inside is bustling with activity and people. The crew has their headsets on and they’re running around like the entire world depends on them. Well, at least the act does so I’m happy they seem so dedicated.
It’s a big space that breaks off into a tunnel, leading to the bottom of the well. I reach the mouth of the tunnel and see Zach getting off his bike. He takes his helmet off, followed by his jacket.
Even when he’s practicing, he’s always super-heated and sweaty after his stunt.
His black t-shirt is sticking to his muscular chest and his hair is all mussed up and spiky. There’s a dark hue on his cheeks from the rush, I think.
A crowd is gathered around him, a couple of staff members and his friends from New York, and even though, I’m impatient to get him alone, I don’t mind waiting until he finishes up.
But as it turns out, I don’t have to wait long.
He looks at me as soon as he’s done throwing the jacket on his parked bike. Back when I hated him or I thought that I hated him, this connection between us used to bother me. But now, I’m thankful for it. It makes me feel special, the only girl for him in this world. In this entire galaxy.
His stare is dark as always, and hungry.
He seems ravenous and my skin breaks out in goose bumps when he starts to walk toward me, in the middle of the conversation.
Breathing hard, I stand there, watching him approach me.
The first thing I notice when he gets close to me is his smell. It’s musky mixed in with his favorite: blueberry pie. When we were in Princetown, I got the recipe from Maggie. I’m a disaster in the kitchen but somehow, I’ve learnt to perfect it for Zach.
