I'm Not the Final Boss' Lover Volume 4 (novel), page 15
Now that I felt light-hearted after having shaken off all the uncomfortable feelings, I swung open the door of the special unit’s room in the middle of their rest and shouted crisply, “We’re going back to the dungeon tomorrow afternoon. Prepare beforehand!”
“Huh? Huhhhh?!”
At my sudden announcement, the members of the special unit tried their best to enjoy the rest of the break more efficiently. As for August, he gladly welcomed the sudden journey to the dungeon without much resistance. It was clear that he was considering this part of penance or a God-given dilemma.
“Well, five months from now! Let’s have a dungeon grind!” August cried.
Julieta said, “…Vice-captain, it’s like you’re a different person.”
“I guess it’s better than losing your mind half the time,” Sevi remarked.
“It’s our turn to lose our minds though…,” Nova added.
A shadow was cast over the faces of the special unit members as they were filled with dread from my excessive enthusiasm. Knowing that they’d loyally follow me even though they whined, their complaints went in one ear and out the other. As my head was now cleared, my mind and senses were sharper.
“Jeanne, your defense magic isn't keeping up with Nova!” I cried.
“I-I will try harder…!” Jeanne said.
“Anasta, you too! Your heal timing is too premature. Assume that Reverend August isn’t there and heal!” I said, looking at Anasta.
“Yes, ma’am!”
I adjusted their cast timing by splitting it in seconds. The three kids were used to my harsh training, but it took some time for Anasta and Jeanne to adjust. However, both of them were talented enough to be picked for the main lead’s expedition corps, so they quickly got the hang of it and were almost perfected after about a month. The only thing left now was to push forward.
For the remaining four months, we grinded the dungeons to an insane degree, like a hamster who never stopped racing around in its wheel. As a result of such an intense march, everyone’s level increased to well over 50. They were grown enough to compete with Vegan. Although they were not elites, they had now become as skillful as the members of a unit with an elite leader.
After a round of hunting, Anasta plopped down on the ground and buried her head between her knees before murmuring. “I thought the Vice-captain was someone who took the welfare of her people seriously…”
Julieta replied, “From my point of view, she’s got the reward and punishment well-established, but welfare’s a little…”
“We were deceived…” Anasta said.
Even saying so, no one ever asked to go back to the base. Instead of consoling Anasta, I said more sternly, “The real training begins from now. It will take much longer to level up than before.”
“No matter how much we level, we will have to close dungeons the same anyway,” Sevi said emptily.
As soon as he finished talking, Nova added, wiping his sweat that was mixed with fellspawn blood, “Besides, we don’t even notice when our levels go up.”
“Right. We’re too busy rolling in the dungeon…” Sevi agreed.
I wasn’t sure whether they had given up or adapted to the dungeon grind, but it was a positive thing that closing dungeons had permeated into their routines like a lifestyle. I proudly looked at the special unit.
Just like that, we spent the five months that we had planned and returned to Nochtentoria Castle in a slightly filthy but fully proud state. Unlike my last unexpected arrival, everyone welcomed us. Just as before, though, they began to talk amongst themselves.
“I can’t wait to see how much the special unit has leveled up.”
“I bet the Vice-captain is over level 60.”
“Come to think of it, she is known to be good at gauging one’s level. I heard she’s more accurate than the levelometer.”
“If that’s true, they don’t have to be nervous about how much they level up while closing dungeons.”
While the members of the Dark Knights were exchanging envious and well-wishing remarks, I glanced at the surroundings to see if Mayer had come out to welcome me.
I hadn’t paid too much attention when we finished our dungeon grind and came back triumphantly, but now that I was about to meet him, I felt awkward. It wouldn’t be strange if I was meeting him as the Vice-captain, but it was the first time seeing him after I accepted his confession. I couldn’t figure out what kind of a facial expression I’d have to put on when facing him.
However, I couldn’t find even a single strand of Mayer, who possessed a telltale presence. Feeling ungrounded remorse and relief, I sighed.
As soon as my relief hit, however, Nova asked, “You’re going to report to the captain right away, aren’t you?”
“What? Uh, y-yes.”
“Are you going to celebrate our coming back with the captain separately later?” Sevi asked. But, although he asked in the form of a question, his voice was almost certain.
I couldn’t deny it, of course. I’d be seeing Mayer in five months after learning how we felt about each other, so I wouldn’t be able to come out of his office right after giving him a report.
I replied, slowly nodding, “Umm… probably.”
“Then, we’ll go ahead and start our celebration!” Sevi declared. “We’ll understand even if you come late or don't even show up, okay?”
He knew my pattern pretty well. I wasn’t sure whether it was because he was quick or I was too obvious.
I scratched my head. I would’ve gone to report right away, but when I checked myself again, I looked so messy. The smell bothered me too. I decided I should go to my room first to wash and change.
“Oh, Vice-captain. It's been a while. Are you back for a short break?” Mary, who was changing the bed linen in my room just then, welcomed me. Thanks to her, my room was spotless despite my five-month-long vacancy.
“Yes. We just arrived,” I replied.
“Did you meet the captain?” she asked.
Everyone seemed to think that I’d go see Mayer first without a doubt even though he didn’t show up to welcome me.
I smiled awkwardly and shrugged. “I feel filthy. I wanted to take a bath as soon as I got out of that dungeon.”
“I understand. Should I mix in some perfume in the bathwater?”
“Umm… If you have something that doesn’t have a heavy scent,” I said after a moment.
I wanted to wash, but even so, I didn’t want to go see him smelling like a flower, either. It’d look like I was the only one who was excited. Following my wishes, Mary guided me to bathwater that smelled akin to eucalyptus.
After washing and dressing neatly so I at least had some semblance of respectability, I resolutely headed to Mayer’s office like someone who was going out for a final match.
“I’m back, Captain,” I said as I knocked on his door.
There was a slight pause, then his voice sounded, “Come in.”
As soon as I opened the door, I met Mayer’s eyes as he nervously fluttered about the room. He quickly came to me in big strides and opened his arms wide. It seemed that he wanted to hold me.
He was so large with his arms held out that it seemed to make his wide office seem a little cramped. He strode up like that only to come to an abrupt stop right in front of me. Then, he studied my face and hesitantly asked, “I can still give you a hug even if we’re not dating, right? May I hug you?”
‘You’re asking now?’ Having expected an embrace, I was dumbfounded and murmured in spite of myself, “You used to hug me so naturally before confessing…”
“Well, that’s because…” Mayer trailed off and smiled bitterly. “I wasn’t really aware of my feelings back then.”
“Did it become a problem now that you’re aware of them?”
“I’ve become more sensitive toward your response.”
As I didn’t seem to want to refuse him, Mayer at last pulled me into his arms. His broad chest covered me as if to hide me from the rest of the world, and my vision went dark as my head was buried against him. I was relieved that I took a shower before coming.
Having no idea what I was thinking, Mayer forcibly calmed down his racing heart and whispered to me, “I wanted to storm out to you when I found out that you were here, but I controlled myself because I was afraid that I might not be able to help holding you. I know you’d hate it if I did such a thing in front of others.”
“It’s not that I would hate it. Let’s just say that I care about how other people see us.”
It felt as if he was too close, so I gently pushed him away. I was afraid he would hear how loud my heart was beating if my body was against his. It didn’t help that, as soon as I noticed my racing heart, other things began to bother me, as well. The warmth of his arms, the location of his hands, the way his breath shivered against my ears… I only pushed his chest at first, but soon, every place that I had contact with his body tingled and I couldn’t handle being held by him. I felt so embarrassed remembering that I had previously proudly lectured Mayer, saying that he had no experience with a romance before.
I took his arm off as naturally as possible and continued as if it was nothing, “It went great this time. At this rate, everyone will be able to reach level 60 before the performance report meeting. They could even gain titles, too.”
“We can talk about levels another time. More than that, are you alright?” Mayer let go of me and began to scan me thoroughly, still holding my hand tight.
“I’m fine, I’m fine.”
I tried to be stealthy as I pulled my hand from his grip, but even a dull person would’ve noticed how I was repeatedly avoiding him. Moreover, Mayer was someone who could read my expressions like a book.
His face stiffened. “…Do you not like it when I touch you this way? If so—”
“No, that’s not true,” I quickly denied, but it was already too late.
“I don’t particularly want to touch you. Of course, I’d like to because I like you, but more than that, I was just eager to hear about your trip…”
As he spoke, Mayer’s delicate mind went to the extreme about why I was avoiding him. With his face darkened, he continued calmly, “If you ever said that you’d date me only because I am the captain and you were afraid of being disadvantaged if you disobeyed me, please tell me. I don’t want you to feel stressed because of me.”
‘Oh Mayer, you're the one afraid of offending me, not the other way around,’ I thought before hastily trying to calm him, “It’s not that. I said that I like you too, Captain.”
“But why are you avoiding me?”
“…Well.” I had denied it but felt too embarrassed to say that I refused him because I was nervous to have physical contact with Mayer. I struggled to think of another excuse.
Mayer watched me and said as if he was being falsely accused, “Are you worried that I might crush you because I can’t control my strength?”
‘Oh, that was another one…’ Only then did I remember the bad condition I had ended up in after I had kissed Mayer— No. When I had reopened his mana circuit.
Startled to notice my momentary silence, Mayer urged me, “What? Is that true? Are you serious? Have I ever hurt you by any chance?”
“No, it’s nothing.” I hastily denied it, but it was already too late.
Mayer’s eyes narrowed. His gaze roamed over my face, trying to analyze my emotions from my expression.
“Is it truly nothing?” he asked suspiciously.
“Yes! Of course!”
As I gave him an exaggerated smile, his gaze became more tenacious. The eyes were called the window of one’s soul, so I smiled as widely as I could so it would reach my eyes and hopefully hide my uneasiness.
Mayer sighed and muttered after a while, “Normally, you’d openly tell me why you’re avoiding me… You must be being considerate of me by not telling me.”
‘No, that’s not it. This has nothing to do with me being considerate!’ I needed to stop the rush of his delusion. But how?
Engrossed in his thoughts, Mayer didn’t realize how confused I was. Or perhaps he assumed I was acting this way because he had guessed correctly. He hung his head miserably, his expression pitiful. His face was even more in shadow given the high bridge of his nose and his deep-set eyes, which made him look more gloomy.
“Is it because I have demonic energy? I suppose it wouldn’t really matter if I am just your captain, but it probably isn’t acceptable for you to have physical contact with me as a romantic partner…”
I couldn’t reveal that we had already kissed. If I told him, I’d have to tell him all the things that had happened between us that I had been keeping a secret. I couldn’t bear to hear him anymore. He often wasted his time being delusional over things, and even though that used to look cute to me, he was going too far.
Blaming himself as if he was the fruit of all the sins of the world, he murmured, “My touch might make your skin crawl. I understand your position.”
Understand what? I hastily grasped Mayer’s hand with both of my hands. “See? Look. It doesn’t bother me to touch your hand.”
“You don’t have to touch me against your will,” he said gravely.
As if it was filthy, he carefully pulled his hand out of my grip. My head was overloaded, leaving me dumbfounded at Mayer’s limitless self-contempt as well. A vague frustration filled me as I was trying to think of a way to resolve this situation. All of that tangled together in my head, and I heard the string that was holding my reason somewhere inside my mind snap.
I impulsively sprang to my feet. ‘Okay, so holding hands doesn’t prove anything.’
Mayer was startled and looked up at me, “…Jun?”
“Very well. I will prove that your touch doesn’t disgust me.” As soon as I spit out those words, I reached to the back of his head. My fingers clutched at his black hair. Mayer looked at me with surprised eyes, but he didn’t pull away. To be more accurate, he couldn't because I pressed my lips to his.
Mayer’s eyes widened. He unwittingly let out a low groan, and the little gap through his open lips was enough. “Haah…”
No matter how tall Mayer was, I was still taller than him standing up than he was sitting down. His Adam's apple, which protruded as his neck tilted back, moved roughly as his golden eyes went hazy. My hair flowed down against his face, and it almost looked like his own hair was threaded with silver.
He had wrapped his huge hands around my arms, perhaps to try and stop me, but now he clung to me like a beggar. It was as if his confusion had been a lie, and now I was a lifeboat in a storm-tossed sea. It reminded me exactly of the time we exchanged mana, and I also felt dazed. Feeling the firmness of his muscles wherever we touched made me feel solid and stable, safe as if I was in my own bed.
We exchanged several breaths like that. Mayer obsessively, ardently clung to me, seeming to want to feel this moment for eternity. Even though I had thoughtlessly kissed him to shut him up at that moment, it seemed that he didn’t doubt that this was a sacred act of intimacy.
However, just as one couldn’t contain the moonlight, our kiss finally came to an end. Unlike the first time when we had suddenly bumped into each other, this time we lingered, only parting slowly.
Leaning against the back of the sofa, Mayer looked up at me blankly, seemingly unable to grasp the situation yet. I also slowly regained my reason as my brain at last began to work once more. I realized that I made a huge mistake.
‘So… I threw myself at Mayer while sober. This is why they say one’s true colors will always show through! So, what good is it to keep kissing him a secret when doing so seems to have become a habit!’
The strength left my legs and I staggered. I tried hard to take control of my body. Meanwhile, Mayer’s eyes were slowly filled with questions as he began to regain his composure. It was a natural response since no one in the world would just kiss—and a very deep one of that—someone who was only asking to hold hands. Even though we were lovers-to-be, my actions were close to harassment or even molestation. However, what was done was done. I had to sort this out somehow.
‘Should I apologize? Or should I hold my head up instead?’
I ended up choosing the latter. Hoping that a confused Mayer wouldn’t be able to read my flustered mind, I said as calmly as possible, “I like your black hair. I’ve never thought about the demonic energies when looking at your hair…”
I tried to act calmly, but my mouth went dry because of Mayer’s gaze, which was piercing even though he kept slowly blinking. I would’ve felt less embarrassed if Mayer was sly or brazen. Instead, he looked at me as if each word from my mouth was a divine revelation of salvation.
Feeling pressured, I rushed to conclude, “…I’m saying, you shouldn’t think nonsense… And I’ll go to bed early tonight.”
Our sensitive bodies could notice even a little sound made by each other. It wasn’t a good idea to remain in a sealed space alone with him for a long time in such a state. I rushed to get out of the room.
At a loss and full of regret, I raked a hand through my hair as soon as I was outside. ‘I’ve finally gone insane…’ I think I had been more rational when I used to believe that Fabian was a champion, giving him unconditional faith. But now? I had none remaining, it seemed.
I could escape his room easily now because Mayer was in a muddled state for a moment, but it’d be troublesome once he came to his senses… ‘As nice as they are, the kids will surely flip if I ask them to go back to the dungeon right now, won’t they?’ I sighed deeply. Yet, the situation wouldn’t change no matter how much I regretted it. I didn’t have any strength left to go to the special unit’s celebration dinner.
When I was about to start walking, thinking that I should really go back to my room and get some rest, the door to Mayer’s office opened right behind me. He stood there, almost filling the whole entrance, and glared down at me.
‘He must’ve been offended by it…’ I smiled awkwardly and looked up at him. “Umm, Captain… The reason why I kissed you before was…”
