Let Me Love You, page 19
Theo’s eyes practically sparkle with pride. Not an ounce of regret or shame pollutes them as he looks down at me, waiting for me to take the lead. To tell them the truth. To announce something I’m pretty freaking happy and excited about, no matter how delusional it might seem from the outside looking in. Because they don’t get it. They don’t know Theo. Okay, they do. But they don’t know him like I know him.
How he’s thoughtful. And sweet. And stubborn. And sexy. How he’s the last person I think of when I close my eyes and the first one I want to see when I open them. How he bought a house with me without giving a shit what others would think because he knew none of them mattered. Their opinions. Their judgments. Nothing. The only thing that matters is if I’m happy. And dammit. I am.
So. Freaking. Happy.
All because of the man beside me and how he treats me. How he makes me feel. How he looks at me like I’m his world. Like I’m the only person who matters.
The reminder leaves my veins buzzing with anticipation as I reach up with my left hand and touch Theo’s cheek, tugging him down and kissing him, giving the whole damn room a perfect view of the ring on my finger. The ring Theodore Taylor gave me when he asked if I’d be his wife. It’s cheesy and romantic, and I smile against his lips. Pulling away, I stare each of my family members in the eye, one by one. The room is so fucking quiet I swear I could hear a pin drop.
“Theo and I are—”
“Yes!” Knox interrupts. “I fucking won! Pay up, assholes!”
I jerk back, surprised by his fist pumping into the air on the computer screen along with his whoop of victory.
“Wait, what?” I screech.
Colt explains, “I promised Garrett and Knox I’d keep them updated, and—”
“Updated on what?” I demand. “My relationship with Theo?”
“All right, back up a bit, Colt,” Garrett suggests. “Start from the beginning.”
Colt nods at our oldest brother, his eyes meeting mine. “Remember the one night when you were like, I dunno, thirteen? Fourteen? And Garrett was home from school for Christmas break? When mom convinced you to wear a dress for once?”
“Uh…yeah?” I answer.
“Yeah, well. You came down the stairs while we were all playing COD, and Theo blew up in the game because he was too busy staring at you,” Colt finishes.
“So?”
“So, afterward, we all made bets about whether or not you guys would wind up together.” He shifts Ash in his lap, the same shit-eating grin plastered across his face.
“I didn’t want to acknowledge it,” Garrett admits beside me. “‘Cause you’re my baby sister, so I said nothing was gonna happen.”
“And I knew you guys got along since I saw it firsthand all the time, so I guessed you’d at least hook up at some point,” Colt adds.
“And I had a feeling he was gonna marry you one day,” Knox yells from the FaceTime call. “And I won. So pay up, brothers. I’ll take Venmo or PayPal.”
“Hold up,” I interrupt. “Are you all honestly telling me you made a bet about whether or not Theo and I would end up together?”
“Duh,” Knox snarks.
“It’s exactly what we’re saying,” Colt confirms.
With a pointed look at Colt, I demand, “So, if you lost, why are you grinning like a lunatic?”
“Because my best friend’s marrying my little sister, and I’m happy for you guys.”
“He also tried to change his bet, but we wouldn’t let him,” Knox says.
“You guys are ridiculous,” I decide. “You know that, right?”
“Yeah, we know,” Garret replies. “We also bet on which one of us would wind up getting a girl pregnant first, but the jury’s still out on that one, right?” He pins Colt with an amused smirk, and Colt flips him off in return as Ash’s spine straightens in his lap.
“We’re not discussing potential grandbabies right now,” Mom announces. She stands up from the flower chair and walks toward me, her hand outstretched. When she’s within reach, she tugs my left hand into hers and examines the green emerald, her expression unreadable.
And it’s scary.
Waiting with bated breath as to whether or not I’m gonna be yelled at. I doubt she’d yell at me. The woman rarely raises her voice in general, but still. She has the power to make or break this moment. To make it happy and exciting or downright dreadful. I bite my bottom lip, my hands growing sweaty as Theo tangles his fingers through my messy waves and softly massages the back of my neck.
But still, Mommy Dearest doesn’t utter a single word. She simply stares at the ring, running her index finger along it carefully.
“So?” I whisper, practically drowning in the silence. “What do you think?”
“Oh, honey.” Mom’s gaze flicks to mine. Her eyes are gleaming with unshed tears. “I’m so happy for you.”
Relief spreads like wildfire from my chest to the top of my head and down to my toes. With a grin, I murmur, “Thanks, Mom.”
She smacks Theo’s chest with her opposite hand. “You know, I would’ve appreciated it if you’d asked me first!”
“Always ask forgiveness, not permission, Mama Thorne. You know that.”
Dabbing beneath her eyes with her forefingers, she laughs, “Har, har. All right. Now, who wants cake?”
I perk up. “Cake?”
“Ignore the blue frosting and Colt and Ash’s names. I didn’t know you were the one making an announcement, but”—she grabs my hand and pulls me to my feet—“I seriously couldn’t be happier for both of you. Even if you are too young.” Her mouth lifts wryly. “Come on. Let’s talk wedding dates.”
31
ASHLYN
He’s with her. Eleanor.
And I shouldn’t be freaking out, but I am. Eleanor wants to talk about Colt’s expectations with Jaxon. I asked why she couldn’t wait until the results were in. Apparently, she wants to get their potential ducks in a row in case they don’t receive the paternity results prior to the hockey season officially starting, when Colt will be distracted by his new career. She has a point. Besides, Colt wants to ask if she’s heard an update from Ali because the waiting and what-if games are killing both of us.
Before he left, Colt asked if I wanted to tag along, but I declined. Not because I didn’t want to or because I’m rolling over and playing the martyr, as Mia so eloquently pointed out a few days ago. It’s because if I were Eleanor, I’d want one-on-one time with the father of my child without his girlfriend hanging around and listening to the whole thing.
They need a chance to discuss their plan and how everyone should move forward. She also needs a safe space to express her concerns about my involvement in her son’s life. While I’ve chosen Colt, and we’ve decided we want to treat Jaxon like he belongs to both of us, technically, I’m not related to Jaxon. And if I was his birth mom, I’d want a say in who’s allowed to be around my son. She should have a say too.
It doesn’t mean I don’t feel like puking, though.
I’m scared to come between Eleanor and Colt, even in a platonic way. Mia was right. I’m a wallflower. I don’t do drama. I don’t do chaos. And sticking around and staying with Colt will likely bring all of it. It doesn’t matter how determined I am to stay. If Eleanor doesn’t want me involved in her little boy’s life, it will complicate things for Colt. I don’t want to make things more complicated for him, but if I’m going to stay, we’re a package deal. And I can only hope Eleanor doesn’t hate me because of it.
Please don’t hate me.
I squeeze my eyes shut, fatigue creeping over me all over again, despite having recently rolled out of bed. But this kind of stress? This kind of duress? It doesn’t go away with sleep. It sinks deeper, leaving me bone tired no matter what I do.
And I’m so. Damn. Tired.
My body feels heavy as I brush my teeth with my baby blue toothbrush. Colt bought it for me when I moved in. It was such a little thing. A freaking toothbrush. But Colt excels at the little things. My favorite flavor of ice cream. My favorite movie. My favorite blanket. My favorite T-shirt, which happens to belong to him. Or at least, it used to. I stole it. But I still catch him wearing it sometimes to mark it with his familiar scent again. I smile, and the reminder of exactly what I’m fighting for gives me strength.
I spit the toothpaste into the sink, rinsing my toothbrush under the cold water. The white foam swirls down the drain, mixing with the water from the faucet and disappearing completely.
I hate how selfish I feel for not bowing out. For choosing to stay. But I don’t regret it. I refuse to, no matter how guilty it makes me feel.
My face is hot when I touch my cheeks and let out a slow breath.
Please don’t hate me, Eleanor. Please don’t make Colt’s life a living hell because I’m sticking around.
Please. Please. Please.
The door opens with a soft click, followed by footsteps as I lounge in bed, attempting to play a game on my phone. I’ve been too distracted to be successful.
“Hey, Sunshine,” Colt murmurs when he reaches the bedroom doorway.
I set the phone on my chest, giving Colt my full attention. “How’d it go?”
“Ali called Ellie while we were out. Apparently, she has the results.”
My fingers touch my lips as I’m caught between excitement and absolute dread. “And?”
“I dunno yet.”
My eyes widen in surprise. “What?”
“I told them I didn’t want to find out the results without you.”
“Colt.” I shake my head, caught between exasperation and amusement over his stubbornness at a time like this. “Aren’t you dying to know?”
“I am, but not without you.” He strides toward the bed and sits down beside me. “I told Ellie you’re not going anywhere. You’re going to be in Jaxon’s life.”
“And?”
“And she asked if I wanted to give our relationship another try first. Just in case.”
A tremor of dread rolls through me, but it’s followed by full-blown disbelief. Is he serious? “Oh.” I hesitate. “Wow.” A sharp pain spreads through my chest, confirming my greatest fear. “Uh, I did not see that one coming—”
“I told her there’s no going back,” he interrupts. “There’s no after you. You changed me. You made me a better man. But I can’t go back to who I was, and honestly, I don’t want to.”
My breath hitches as I hold his gaze. Because I know this look. It’s filled with determination. And sincerity. And ferocity. It’s one I've seen when he’s on the ice. When he isn’t afraid to get his hands dirty or to fight for what he wants. When it doesn’t matter what the score is. When it doesn’t matter if his back is against the glass and he’s being cornered by every defenseman on the opposite team. He’s going to give it his all. He’s going to fight. He’s going to win. No matter what. And there isn’t anything to change his mind or convince him to give up or throw in the towel.
Nothing.
And part of me is grateful. Seeing his determination despite not knowing if it’s for the right reason. Because I love him. Every piece. And I don’t want to give him up. I don’t want to give this up. Not for anything. Not even for the little boy who belongs to him.
“You said that to her?” I ask.
“Yeah. I told Ellie I want you,” he continues, pushing my hair away from my forehead as a soft smile graces his lips. “I want all of you. I wanna see you with Jax. Holding him. Loving him. I told her I wanna marry you.” His hand slides down to mine, the heat from his palm warming me as he tangles his fingers with mine. “I wanna make babies with you. I told her you aren’t going anywhere, but you’ll treat Jax like your own, and she should be happy for me. Happy I found someone who will support her son the same way she does.”
“What was her response?” I prod.
“She said she wants to talk to you. Alone.” He squeezes my fingers one more time, bringing them to his lips and kissing my knuckles.
Panic claws at my insides, eradicating whatever semblance of hope I’d felt from his declaration, and I jerk away from him. “What?”
“Eleanor’s outside. She wants to talk to you.”
My head shakes back and forth as I push myself up from the mattress and press my back to the headboard. “Colt, if she told you she wants to give you another shot, I have nothing to say—”
“Yeah, well, she does. And I think you need to hear it from her.”
“Colt,” I plead. I don’t even know what I’m begging for. Solace? Understanding? A scapegoat?
His smile softens. “Trust me, Ash. I wouldn’t throw you to the wolves.”
“She has to hate me, Colt.”
“If Jaxon’s mine, Eleanor isn’t going anywhere, but you’re not going anywhere, either, which means you gotta sort this shit out. But trust me,” he repeats. “I think you’re gonna wanna hear what she has to say.”
“Colt…” My voice trails off as he stands up, offering his hand. And because I’m insane and a sucker for the man in front of me, I take it.
Helping me to my feet, he prods, “Go.”
32
ASHLYN
My nerves feel like they’re connected to a live wire. Like even the tiniest circumstance—a look or a pause—could set me off at any second, but I force my legs to move anyway.
After my conversation with Colt, I grudgingly piled my hair into a messy bun on top of my head, and Colt grabbed me a change of clothes from the closet, offering them to me. Once I’d changed and looked halfway decent, I took the stairs, as ready as I’d ever be, while trying not to puke.
Again.
This feels weird. Talking to Eleanor. Knowing I’m the reason she’ll never have her happily ever after with the father of her child while being too drained to care anymore. Especially after she informed Colt she’d be willing to give things another try with him. How awkward. Do I ignore it? Do I tell her to go to hell? If only I could figure out why she wants to talk to me and why Colt thinks this will be a good idea. But he’s right. I need to trust him, and I do trust him, which is the only reason I’m not running in the opposite direction right this second.
When I reach the main floor, I take a deep breath and walk outside. The late morning sun is high in the sky and kisses my cheeks, warming me. Spurring me on.
A Range Rover is parked out front, and Eleanor’s hazel eyes meet mine through the windshield.
She’s even prettier than I remember.
More put together than at our previous meeting. Like she had time to get ready for her coffee date instead of rushing out the door. Or maybe it’s only my imagination. My insecurities strangle me, but I force myself to swallow as I walk toward her.
The driver’s side window rolls down, and she tilts her head toward the passenger door. “Hey. Climb in.”
“Do you mind if we go for a walk instead?” I counter.
She shakes her head no. The window rolls back up, the engine quiets, and she unfolds from the car. She’s taller than I remember too. Like a willow. Long and lean.
I’ve never been more intimidated in my entire life, despite Colt already making his stance clear. Because she wants him. She said so herself, didn’t she?
“Where to?” she asks.
“There’s a pond.” I turn on my heel and head toward the gorgeous open space in the center of the complex. It’s one of the reasons I fell in love with this place. One of the reasons Colt put money down after our little tour of the apartment. Because he knew I loved it. The quiet. The mature trees. The geese and ducks waddling along the trimmed green grass. The bike path and benches. All of it is my favorite. But even the familiar ambiance refuses to settle my nerves.
Muffled footsteps follow behind me as I take the winding path without waiting for Eleanor to catch up.
This is awkward.
More awkward than the paternity test.
But I’m lost.
I don’t know what to say. I don’t know her. She’s a stranger. A stranger who slept with the love of my life. A stranger who’s never going away if the paternity test confirms what everyone suspects. A stranger who may or may not hate me after Colt announced he’d chosen me instead of her, and I’m too terrified to find out how she feels.
Peering over my shoulder, I force my steps to slow. “So, who’s watching Jax?”
“He’s with my mom.”
I nod and fold my arms.
“He’s the father, Ash,” she tells me. “My lawyer told me on the phone. Colt doesn’t know yet. He wanted to wait until you were around.”
Shock wracks through my system, despite the confirmation. I was right all along. Yet I’m still left reeling. He’s the father. Colt’s a father. I lick my lips, a cacophony of emotions ripping me in two as I let out a deep breath and turn back to Eleanor. “Why are you telling me this?”
“Because now you know. Now we aren’t playing the what-if game.”
She’s right. Now, it’s official. And now, we need to figure out whether or not we’re on the same team. Because Colt’s a dad. And no matter what, I know he’ll be a great one. But I’d prefer it if his first experience with parenthood isn’t an awful one.
“You should tell Colt,” I add numbly as Eleanor catches up to me.
“I think it’s sweet how you care about Jax already,” she says, not bothering to acknowledge my comment.
But I don’t deny it.
I do care about him.
So much.
“Do you want children of your own?” she asks.
Avoiding her gaze, I look at the rows of trees surrounding the pond instead and nod again. “Yes. I do.”
“Me too. More children,” she clarifies. “Jaxon’s my life. And I’m not gonna lie. I hate how he spent his first year with a mom who was distracted most of the time, thanks to her divorce.”
My steps falter. I hadn’t thought of that. What it must’ve been like for Eleanor to juggle being a mom for the first time while cutting ties with her long-time husband.
