Saving Grace, page 3
Chapter 3
She saw him look forward and take a deep breath. She knew how he felt. The guilt, the fear of being judged and the apprehension of being completely vulnerable to a room full of strangers. It would even intimidate a normal person. She had never been to any type of support group and now both of them were about to experience it for the first time.
Her mother had encouraged her to attend, saying it would help her to heal. She said that sharing Stephanie’s grief-stricken heart with others who had gone through a similar loss would make her feel better, even if it were with a total stranger. But a stranger was the last person Stephanie wanted to open up to. How would they empathize with what she was talking about? They didn’t know Rachel or how things had been before her death. She could never see how talking to a stranger would help her. But that was before she had spoken to Kevin. For some unexplainable reason, she felt better when she was around him. He made her feel at ease and peaceful for the first time in a long time.
Maybe her mother had been right. Maybe she did need to open up her heart to someone. But not just anyone. It had to be someone who would understand her pain and loss. Her heart felt like it had been ripped into tiny little pieces, and her baby was gone forever. Now there was a void in her heart that she knew would never be filled again. A part of her died the night of the accident, and Rachel had been a significant, if not the best part of her life, and now she was gone. Only someone like Kevin could understand the suffering she was going through.
As Stephanie gazed ahead at the building, she struggled against the feelings of insecurity as they tried to slip back into her mind. She felt uneasy walking into a room full of strangers. She looked to Kevin and the fright must have shown on her face because he took her hand into his own and softly caressed her knuckles with his thumb. The small gesture made her heart slow, and she looked at him as she breathed deeply. In through your nose and out through your mouth Steph, she kept telling herself over and over while she sucked the air in deeply through her nose.
“Close your eyes and breathe.” His calm voice helped level her breathing.
She nodded and did as he said. His thumb continued its slow caress on her hand as she continued breathing. Her eyes closed with a sigh as she started to think about anything but where she was.
“Imagine yourself outside on the beach. You’re sitting on the sand. Feel the sand slide between your toes. Feel the little granules slide between your toes?”
“Yes I do.” With her eyes still closed, she leaned back and smiled as if the rays of an imaginary sun beamed down on her face.
“Feel the sun. The warmth is closing all around you. The sun’s rays are glowing all over your skin, and you’re basking in it. Your head is thrown back so you can feel it on your arms and legs, and it makes you feel warm inside. Do you feel it?”
“Yes, it is so warm and nice. I love the sun.” Her voice sounded softer.
“Now listen. Do you hear the waves? They’re gently lapping at the tip of your toes. It’s cold, and you hear it right before it reaches you. You hear birds flying above you in the air. They’re squawking at each other, and you can even hear their wings flapping. There are insects in the woods behind you chirping as well. They’re all making noise at the same time. It’s like a song and melody of life all around you. Do you hear it?”
“Yes.” She knew she was smiling like an idiot. She could only imagine what she looked like. She was standing in front of Kevin, and he was holding both of her hands. She slowly kept up her breathing, slowly drawing air in through her nose and then exhaling it through her mouth. All the while there was a smile on her face that spread across her face from ear to ear. Stephanie knew she probably looked stupid, but she couldn’t stop. For the first time in her life, she felt free from the shackles of depression. Her whole body was languid and free as if she could almost fly.
“Last smell the salty sea water. Smell it? There’s nothing like the smell of salty sea water. The ocean is a wonderful thing. Smell the sunshine on your face. Take in everything. The smells, sounds and feel it all inside you. Feel it deep down and breathe. When you can breathe freely, let me know.”
“I feel wonderful.”
“Open your eyes.” She opened them to see him looking at her in a way he had never looked at her. His hand reached up and gently tucked a flyaway strand of hair behind her ear. “How do you feel?”
Stephanie hadn’t known she was capable of feeling a peace that was so tranquil, so relaxing. “Amazing. You’re wonderful. Has anyone told you how completely amazing a person you are? You always know just the right thing to say and do. I don’t know where I would be or what I would have done without you.”
“Me either. You’ve given me a reason to live.” He was still holding her hands and curled them up in front of them, holding them tightly within his own. It made her feel close to him, close and comfortable. She smiled at him.
“I think God knew exactly what He was doing that day you found us outside that gun store. It’s amazing how things work out. I thank God every night that we were able to meet again and help each other. It’s more than I could have ever hoped for.” She smiled as he stood beside her looking at the building in front of them. His hand still held hers, and she couldn’t help the smile that lit her face when she looked down and saw it. At that moment, she felt suddenly fragile, vulnerable, and weak-kneed. They began their trek towards the large doors together, walking hand in hand as one as they leaned on the other for emotional support. Having him beside her had made her life easier to get through.
As they stepped into the large foyer, Stephanie looked around. It was a regular office building. The floors were the shiny tile that was seen in many different offices and schools. There was a large desk on one side made of dark wood with a young woman sitting behind it. She smiled at them as they made their way to her.
“Hello. Can I help you?”
“We’re here for the meeting.”
“The AA or the Griefshare?” The woman looked down at a piece of paper as she waited for their response. She had brown hair that was pulled into a high ponytail. She was very young, no more than twenty-five at the most. She looked up expectantly, waiting for their answer.
“Griefshare please.”
“My condolences. Make a right at the first corner, and it will be the third door on the right. Please let me know if you need anything.”
“Thank you.”
As Stephanie rounded the corner of the hallway, she almost ran headfirst into an older man. He looked like he hadn’t eaten in a while, and his clothes hung loosely from his bony shoulders. She could tell the man needed help, but the striking thing about him was the innocent smile that lit up his face. His grin spread from ear to ear as he nodded his acknowledgement. She smiled back, and Kevin stepped aside to allow the man room to come through. Her heart jumped for joy when she heard what could only be the southern drawl of the man they just saw.
“Hey, Shirley look. I got my 60 days. I can’t believe it. Two months and no drink. Man I feel good too.”
“See Frank I told you. I knew you could do it. You just had to have faith in yourself. I had faith in you, and I told you the Lord did too. I said he was here to help you when you needed him. You just had to reach out to Him first. I’m so proud of you man.”
“Yeah, now I can tell those doubting fools to kiss my . . . ”
“Frank?”
“Yeah, yeah. I know, watch my language. I am. I am. I promise.”
Turning Stephanie looked at the older man and watched him fondle the small coin in his hand. He looked so proud holding it, she couldn’t help what she did next. Letting go of Kevin’s hand she walked back to the man.
“I’m sorry, but I overheard what you were saying. I just wanted to say congratulations. It’s a big accomplishment. You should be very proud of yourself. I know God is.”
“Thank you, ma’am.” His smile widened to show only a few remaining teeth in his mouth darkened with cavities. Without thought, she grabbed the man into her arms and hugged him deep. “I appreciate that. Many people don’t pay no attention to me but Shirley here.”
“I don’t know why they don’t. You seem like a good man Frank. Besides, we’re all God’s children aren’t we?”
“Why yes ma’am, we are.”
Without a word, Kevin walked up and held his hand out to her. She smiled at him and slipped her hand into his. Looking over at the older man, Kevin clapped him on the shoulder and laughed. “Good job man. Congrats. You should feel good.” Nodding towards the man again, Kevin turned them towards the hall and the door to their meeting.
The room was about the size of a small living room and hosted a circle of chairs in the middle of the room and a desk towards the front. There were already five people waiting in the chairs. They were all silent, and Stephanie could see a look of sadness and apprehension in their eyes as they waited for the class to begin. With a quick glance around the room, she counted a total of 12 chairs.
The first person was an older woman who looked to be in her 50s. She looked like a grandmother and had on a sweater and jeans and little white ked shoes. She seemed like the sweet old woman next door. Next was a younger man who was in dress pants and a wool jacket of dark green. He looked to be a professor at college who was quiet and kept to himself. Maybe a history or English major. Then there was another woman who looked to be in her twenties. She wore a short sleeve shirt and jeans. Her hair was blonde and hung down hiding part of her face. The woman must have felt Stephanie’s eyes on her because she lifted her head to look right at her. The woman was very pretty with deep green eyes that were filled with sadness. She glanced at Stephanie briefly and then looked back down at her hands again. Two seats over from her was a man in a leather jacket. He wore jeans and a pair of black combat boots that matched the color of the helmet sitting on top of the chair next to him. His hair was pulled back in a ponytail, and his face was covered in stubble. His eyes stared blankly at his hands just as the girl who sat a few seats over.
As her gaze traveled to the last person, she recognized him as the leader of the meeting. He was the only attendee not keeping himself at a distance and the only one whose eyes weren’t filled with complete sadness. She guessed him to be in his thirties. He wore dark dress pants and shiny dress shoes. He had on a crisp light blue button-down shirt that could probably stand up on its own from the starch. Paired with the shirt was a dark blue tie. His face held a dark black goatee and a square jaw, it was pleasant and surprisingly inviting. He focused his brown eyes on her and nodded in her direction as she took her seat beside Kevin. After a few minutes of awkward silence, he finally rose and began to speak.
“Hello everyone. I would like to thank you for being here tonight. We have a few more people who have joined us tonight I see. If everyone wouldn’t mind, let’s start by each of us standing and stating our names and why we’re here today.” When everyone murmured their agreement, he nodded towards the professor.
“My name is Josh. I’m a high school teacher. I’m here because I lost my wife of seven years to a three-day flu. She had been sick for a while, but suddenly her health turned for the worse without warning. It’s been almost one month tomorrow.” He sat down without saying anything else. He quietly looked down at the floor.
“I’m so sorry to hear that Josh. That must be so devastating to lose your wife so quickly. Thank you for coming.” Nodding, he let the older woman know that she could begin.
“I’m Isabelle. I lost my husband three months ago. We were married for 53 years a week before the cancer finally took my Herald. I’ve lived my whole life with that amazing man, and now I don’t really know how to live without him.” A tear had slipped from her eye as she sat back down.
“I am sure it has been a big adjustment, Isabelle. We’re all here for you. Thank you for coming.”
With a start, Stephanie realized she was next. Her muscles trembled involuntarily as she took a deep breath and stood slowly. “My name is Stephanie. I’m here because I lost my daughter two weeks ago. She was 13. I can’t even walk into my home anymore because I can’t bear the thought of her not being there. I should have gone first, and I try to believe that God has a reason, but I’m still working through believing that.” She hadn’t realized that tears streamed from her eyes as she spoke. She sat down quietly and accepted the tissue that was handed out in front of her. Looking up, she saw that it was the counselor.
“I’m sorry for your loss, Stephanie. We don’t understand why God allows certain events to happen in our lives. We just know He has his plans. I’m glad you’ve decided to join us tonight. I know when you leave, you’ll take away something that will help you cope with the pain you’re experiencing, my dear. We’re here for you.” He smiled gently before patting her hand and returning to his seat. When she raised her eyes, she saw that everyone looked at her with pity. Tears streamed down the women’s eyes, and she smiled weakly at them.
“My name is Kevin. I am an ER surgeon. I am here because I lost my niece a year ago, and then I was the doctor who had treated Stephanie’s daughter. I’m here because it’s my fault they are both gone. I was the doctor to both girls and couldn’t save them. I’m here to help Stephanie heal from her loss. God has brought us back together for a reason.”
“Hello Kevin. First it was not your fault. God is all powerful, and there was no way you could have stopped His calling if He called those girls home, no matter what you did. He is in control of our destinies. You must accept the fact there’s nothing you can do to extend or take away from the time He has ordained for each one of us. I’m glad to see that He has brought the two of you together so that neither of you was alone in your healing. It’s good to see you both have someone to lean on during the healing process.”
Kevin nodded at the counselor and then the counselor’s attention turned to the blonde beside Kevin.
Slowly the woman stood and kept her face downward. “My name is Amanda. I am here because I lost my husband. We had been married two years when he was murdered.”
“It’s good to see you again, Amanda. You’re on the road to healing from your loss. I’m glad to see you came back again.” He smiled at the young woman and then directed his attention to the man at the end.
“My name is Xavier. I am here because I lost my brother. He was killed in Afghanistan. He was a marine, just as every other man in my family history was, except me.” He looked up with anger in his eyes. She could see he wasn’t sad because his brother was gone, but instead he was seething mad over something or someone else. She knew there was something more behind his story. Stephanie looked around at the people and felt as if they were all kindred spirits in their pain.
The counselor stood and began his speech. “My name is Dr. Richardson. I’m a psychologist and started my counseling in the area of grievance after I lost my son to leukemia. I have been holding these meetings for over 12 years. First and foremost, I would like to say that I’m here for each and every one of you. I have cards that I give all newcomers, so if you feel you need some extra help or time to talk, you can reach me easily. First off, I want you to know there’s no way I can promise you will get over the loss you have endured. Yes, you will still feel that pain; however, the intensity will dull with time as you learn to cope. I’m here to tell you that although your loved one is gone, God still has a plan for your life. Someday, if the Good Lord chooses to reveal it, you’ll understand what good blossomed out of the pain you suffered through. I put my life and faith in the Almighty God to get me through the loss of my son, and He can do the same for you if you let Him. This is the first step I ask you all to do. Put your trust in God’s hands and let Him start the healing in your life.
“Yes, Lord Jesus. Thank you.” The older woman had her eyes closed and whispered as she held her hand up to the sky.
“If everyone will bow their heads then we will open with a prayer.”
Bowing her head, Stephanie listened to the counselor’s words as he prayed.
“Dear heavenly Father, we are gathered here to express our grief at the tragedies we have each faced. We ask for your help dear Lord. We need your guidance in walking the right path, Lord. We are faced with obstacles in our time of grieving. Obstacles that would lead us astray. We give ourselves over to you, Lord. Use us as your vessels, dear Lord. Show us the path of righteousness and the purity of healing. We know not why you do the things you do Lord. We know only that you do them for us. We know only that your plans for us will be revealed in time. We thank you dear Lord for everything you have done for us and continue to do for us dear Lord. In heaven’s holy name, Amen.”
Stephanie recited her amen with the rest of the people in the group.
“Is there anything anyone would like to share with us, some positive news of healing?” He looked around and finally the older woman stood and looked around.
“I would like to say that Friday is my husband’s birthday. Or it would have been. He would have been seventy-five. We had planned on going back to Ireland for his birthday next month. I cashed in the tickets after he died. Although my husband isn’t by my side, I know he’s looking down from above. For this reason, I’ve decided to purchase a single ticket to Ireland for myself. Although I can’t see the joy on his face, I know he would have loved the trip. He may be gone, but I plan on enjoying my time before I join him again. I’m seventy-three, and I think I’m long overdue for a trip.” She grinned, and Stephanie felt good for the woman. For seventy-three, she looked really good for her age, and the woman looked better than she did when they had first walked through the door. There was a look of relief on her face as if a heavy weight had been lifted from her shoulders. It was a sight that made Stephanie’s heart feel lighter.
“That’s good Isabelle. I think you’ll enjoy your trip a lot, and I think it will be a trip you and your granddaughters will never forget. Your husband would be proud of you.”
