New From Here, page 21
Lea offers me one of her sprinkles as Bowen busies himself loudly washing dishes, and I shake my head, No thanks.
“Why do you look so down?” Lea asks.
I google CJ Axel, ignoring the question. Who is this guy? But all that comes up is a bunch of ads for car axles.
Bowen rummages through the kitchen. One of the cabinets makes a bang sound. “Argh! This handle!”
“Want some help?” I ask.
“Nope! Found the popcorn!”
Soon the smell of buttery popcorn wafts from the kitchen as Bowen microwaves the bag. My sister and I close our eyes and breathe it in.
“Hey! Is there any Parmesan? Maybe you can sprinkle some on the popcorn like Dad does!” I call out.
Bowen bangs around in the kitchen, then disappears into the garage.
When he walks into the living room, I turn around, expecting to see a giant bowl of cheesy popcorn in his hands, only to see Bowen’s nostrils flaring as he clutches his headphones.
“WHAT. IS. THIS?” Bowen demands, holding up the Bose headphones. Uh-oh.
I hide under the sofa throw for cover. But Bowen pulls the blanket off me in one violent jerk.
“I can explain,” I say, putting my hands up.
Bowen thunders toward me. “I can’t believe you stole these from me! This was my birthday present from Dad! You have any idea how much these headphones mean to me??” he asks, shaking them so hard, they rattle. “And you just sat there while I freaked out looking for them!”
His anger burrows deep into my bones. I look around for Mom, but she’s thousands of miles away, unable to protect me. She might as well be on the moon.
“I’m sorry…,” I say. “I was gonna give them back—”
“No, you weren’t! You were going to pawn them!” Bowen says. “Admit it! You don’t care about me.”
“Of course I do,” I say, standing up. Tears spill out of my eyes. “Why do you think I echoed you on the track? Because you’re my brother.” Now I’m full-on crying. “And I will always echo for you. Even if you don’t even appreciate it!” I shoot out the words from the rawest part of me. “It’s like you don’t even want me for a brother!”
There, I said it. The painful shard of truth that has been poking me through the mattress of our bunk bed ever since we got here. I squeeze my eyes shut, thinking of the deep wounds that can’t be patched up with a few days of nice. All the times my brother has called me Knot over the years. Made fun of my disability. Yelled at me to stay far, far away from him on the track field. “It’s like you’re ashamed of me.…”
I run up the stairs and fly into our room. That’s it, I’ve had it! I grab my sleeping bag and stuff it into my backpack along with my iPad and some of Bowen’s CLIF bars for track. Then I run downstairs and I bolt out the door. I don’t know where I’m going. I just know I can’t be here anymore.
“Knox, wait!” my sister calls out.
But I charge up the hill as quickly as I can, toward the horses, and don’t look back. I can’t handle one more minute with my brother, who will never love me the way I love him. Not in a million years. Not even if I stand on the top of the mountain and echo him until the valleys shiver and my lungs collapse.
So I run.
Chapter 76
I hike and hike and hike up the muddy trail, lugging my huge backpack on my achy back. I’ve never been this far up the trail. I have no idea where I’m going. Part of me is tempted to turn around and bike over to Christopher’s restaurant, but I don’t want to bump into Bowen on my way down. He’s probably called Mom by now. And they’re probably both mad at me. I think about their joint angry faces and I charge forward. I can never go back. They’ll skewer me!
I hike until the soles of my feet are blistering raw, and finally collapse at the base of a tall oak tree on top of the hill. The tree is so vast and big, its leaves form a snug roof. I drop at its feet and lie on the ground.
Gazing out at the gorgeous view, I can see the entire bay, stretching as far out as Marin to the right and my namesake beach to the left. This was the picture I imagined in my head before we left for America. A postcard of green rolling hills and pink sunsets. This was the picture that got me on the plane.
And now I’m here and everything’s falling apart.
I take my iPad out to call Dad. In my mind, the no-calling-Dad rule went out the door when I did. But there’s no Wi-Fi, so I take a picture instead.
As I curl up in my sleeping bag, I record a message to Dad on my iPad.
Hey, Dad, it’s me. I just want to you to know, I’m safe and well. I’m in the canyon behind our house. Don’t worry, I hiked WAY past the wild horses, so they can’t bother me in the middle of the night. I’m under a tree right now, looking out at this great view. I wish you could see it. I wish you were here with me, and we were camping together. If you were here, maybe none of this would have happened.
I’m sorry I took Bowen’s headphones. I’m sorry that I ran away, but I just couldn’t take it anymore. I hope Mom doesn’t blow her interview because of this. Bowen’s probably told her at this point and she’s probably freaking out in New York right now. I don’t mean to cause problems for our family. But I’m tired of feeling like the purple Goldfish. I know I do things differently, but I’m trying hard. I wish people could see me and love me for who I am.
I really miss you, Dad. You’re the only one who understands. Anyway, I’m sorry. I hope you’re not mad at me too.
The wind blows as I press send, and I wrap my sleeping bag firmly around me. I know Dad can’t get it just yet because there’s no Wi-Fi. But I imagine him getting it anyway and I imagine what he’ll say.
I record another message, this one from Dad to me:
Hey, Knox, it’s Dad. No need to apologize. I’m sorry about Bowen getting so mad at you. We all love you very much. And I know Mom and Lea will want you to come home. But you take all the time in the world that you need right now. I promise if you go back, Bowen will not get mad at you. You running off has taught him a HUGE lesson—trust me. (Also I am taking away his headphones, because they were too expensive for him to begin with.) He loves you. He misses you as a brother. And he NEEDS you. Come home soon, son. Love, Dad.
Somewhere between “huge lesson” and “come home,” I get sleepy. I dream of many things as I curl myself into a ball to warm myself against the chilly, breezy night… the snuggle of Mom when she wakes me up, my grandmother’s homemade dumplings, which she pan-fries just for me, my sister’s long, funny stories, which she tells her imaginary friends whenever she’s combing her hair. All the things I have to go back for… if I ever go back.
Chapter 77
My brother’s and sister’s faint voices wake me up the next morning.
“Knox? Where are you??” Lea calls.
Her voice gets louder and louder. What do I do? My first instinct is to lie frozen and not make a peep. Bowen is probably still boiling mad. If he finds me, I’m deader than the branches by my feet.
Then I hear another voice.
“Knox, please. If you’re out there, say something!”
It’s Mom! Her voice cracks as she pleads. I immediately jump up, wanting to know how her New York trip went.
“Mom! I’m over here!” I cry out to her.
The look on her face when she sees me, happiness engulfed in relief, makes me forget all about Bowen, all about the fight last night. Mom runs toward me, galloping like a wild horse, jumping over dandelions and wood chips until she crashes into my arms. She hugs me so tight, no words can escape.
“Don’t ever do that again, bao bao,” she cries, tears streaming from her eyes.
I cry too. Not just for last night but for everything… all the tears I’ve been hanging on to, trying to be so brave in front of my big brother. Trying to be like him and step out from his shadow.
“I’m sorry, Mom,” I say, when we finally pull away. “Did I screw up your interview?”
Mom runs her fingers through my hair. “No,” she assures me. “Bowen didn’t call me until it was already over. I was scared sick. I flew back as soon as I could.”
“I was worried sick too,” Bowen says. “I lost a person!”
I sneak a glance at him, standing sheepishly in the grass.
“Not just any person,” Lea adds, tugging at my hand with hers. She dabs her eyes as she whimpers, “I thought I was never going to see you again.” It hits me that by leaving Bowen, I also left Lea. I put my arms around my mei mei.
“I’m sorry, Lea,” I say to her.
As Lea hugs me back, Bowen picks up my sleeping bag off the leafy ground. “C’mon, let’s go home,” he says.
* * *
Mom sits me and Bowen down in our room when we get back. I peek out from behind the wooden guardrails on the top bunk, dreading the heart-to-heart. I just know Bowen’s gonna roll his eyes. While I lay out my feelings and feel all naked, even though I’m covered with blankets, he’ll act like what happened was all my fault.
Instead, Mom starts off with a question. “What’s one thing you wish your brother knew about you?”
I blurt out “I’m sorry I took your headphones” at the same time that Bowen says, “I’m glad you echoed me.”
I look over to Bowen at his desk in surprise. WHAT? I stare into his eyes, at the rawness of the confession. He squirms like he’s naked too.
Mom holds out a hand to us both. “You two are the only brother you’ll each ever have, you know that?” she asks. “You need to protect each other, and love each other.”
Bowen doesn’t say anything.
“The world is hard enough as it is,” Mom continues. “Did you know on my flight, there were people wearing pantyhose over their heads, because they didn’t have a mask? We never know what life’s going to throw at us. But one thing we can control is how we treat each other. Here in this house. The love and support we give to one another, that’s what will get us through the tough times.”
I nod, feeling every single one of her words. I glance at Bowen to see if he’s ready. I’ve always been ready.
“Now come down here,” Mom orders. Gently, I lift my covers and start climbing down.
As I climb, Mom admits tearfully, “When Bowen called me, my heart dropped to the pit of my stomach. You’re the light of my life, you know that?”
Mom pulls me in for a hug when I get down. I close my eyes and feel the love she has for me. It’s enough to launch a rocket to the moon.
“Promise me you’ll never do that to me again, bao bao,” Mom says.
A lump forms as I promise Mom I won’t.
In a small voice, Bowen adds, “Or to me.”
I look over at my brother. Even though it’s just three little words, it means the world.
The fog lifts as I run over to Bowen’s desk and give him a hug.
Lea comes in with the home phone as we’re hugging. “It’s Daddy,” she says, handing Mom the phone. “He knows about Knox!”
Mom knits her eyebrows. How?
I gaze down at my iPad—my voice message! It must have automatically sent when I walked into the house!
Chapter 78
Bowen, Lea, and I lean against Mom’s door, trying to listen as she takes the call with Dad.
“What are they saying?” I ask.
“Shhhh!” Lea says. “I can’t hear!”
I look over at Bowen, expecting him to huff, It’s all your fault. Why’d you record a message for Dad? Instead, he says, “I’m not going to mention the headphones if he asks.”
Which is generous. I take it.
“I won’t either,” I say.
My head jerks up at the sound of Dad’s booming voice on speaker, “I want you all to come home!”
Our faces turn ashen white. I immediately scramble up and reach for the doorknob. “I don’t want to go back. I like it here!” I blurt out as I run inside my parents’ room.
“Knox, I need to talk to your mother about this alone,” Dad says back on speaker.
“No!” I’m done having my parents make decisions about my life and keep me out of the conversation. I run to my room and grab my iPad and play back the message I want Dad to say—the one from him to me.
As everyone listens to my message as Dad, telling me everything’s fine, that he understands why I ran away, and assuring me how much he loves me, I beg Dad, “Please, Dad, I have a life here now! I have friends! I have school!”
“Me too!” Lea chimes in. “I finally did the Cruyff turn with Stuart! And we have rainbow trout that we have to release back in the river! And DAD, yesterday I ate a snow pea!”
“And I finally have time to do stuff, like bike around town! Not just do my homework all day!” Bowen says.
Our pleas are not enough to melt Dad’s anger, though.
“Well, you’re still coming home,” Dad says. “I can’t believe your mother left you by yourselves overnight. Julie, what were you thinking? My God, when I think about what could have happened…”
Bowen grabs the phone. “It’s not Mom’s fault. I was the one who told her to go.” He takes a deep breath. “And I was the one who drove Knox away.”
My head swivels as Bowen accepts full responsibility for what happened. It’s so unexpected, even Lea’s jaw hangs open. And yet. The guilt nibbles at me.
“Actually,” I confess, “I took his headphones. I wanted to pawn them and use the money to get you here, Dad.” I suck in a breath, waiting for his response. Please, please say you’ll come.
“Well, that’s not happening. You’re all coming home,” Dad replies.
As Dad delivers his verdict, I drop onto the floor. All I wanted was to talk to Dad under the stars. I never thought the sky would collapse.
Chapter 79
I guess we better start packing,” Lea mumbles, wiping her eyes and walking back to her room with her stuffed bunny in her hand.
Bowen and I follow Lea to her room, while Mom continues pleading with Dad on the phone, telling him how well her interview went, and how she’ll hear back in just a few days. Please, just give her a few more days!
As Lea starts pulling out the suitcases, I glance timidly at my brother.
“Do you really mean what you said? About how you liked me echoing you?” My voice lingers. “Because if you don’t, I can stop.”
Bowen looks down for a long time at the frayed carpet.
“No, I don’t want you to,” he finally says. “What I really want… is for them to stop.”
I plop down on the floor cross-legged, gazing up at my brother.
“But they won’t on their own. It takes all of us to stand up to them,” I say.
“Yeah!” seconds Lea.
“There are too many of them, and there’s only one of me,” Bowen says, shaking his head.
I get up and reach my arm out, placing it side by side with his arm. Even though mine is a shade lighter than his, we’re made of the same blood inside. We have the same hopes and dreams. And fire in our step. “You’ve got me,” I say.
“And me,” Lea adds. She puts her stuffed bunny down and flexes her arm. “Power of family.”
Bowen beams, his eyes glassy.
“Thanks,” he says.
I smile at him.
“What about Dad?” Lea asks. “How are we gonna get him to let us stay?”
“Maybe if he has a job offer here…,” I think out loud. At the thought of Dad’s job, I scramble up and run to my room to double-check the time of Dad’s interview at Oakhill Country Club. It’s this afternoon after school!
* * *
That day in school, my sister and I arrive late. Thankfully, Mom tells the school it’s because she was in New York, not because I ran away and slept in the hills because I was mad at my brother.
In class, I finish my math early and then spend my ten minutes of earned gadget time secretly googling everything there is to know about Oakhill Country Club. It has a dining room, a golf course, a badminton court, and a pool. I wonder if Dad works there, if we get to go for free. Maybe Bowen and I can play badminton again. Mrs. Turner interrupts my daydreaming with an announcement.
“Boys and girls, can I please have your attention? Governor Newsom has just announced that California is in a state of emergency due to the coronavirus.”
Christopher immediately pulls out his organizer and scribbles two Post-its—one for him and one for me: Go to the grocery store!!!
“Why?” I ask.
“Before all the rice, pasta, and flour get snapped up! It’s a state of emergency!!!”
I make a yeah right face. The last time we were at Safeway, there was plenty of flour. Then I remember what Dad said about the toilet paper in Hong Kong and how it all disappeared so quickly that people were getting into fistfights over it.
“Do you guys have a second fridge?” Christopher asks.
I shake my head. We barely have a first fridge! Ours is tiny!
“Well, if you run out of space, you can always come over and use ours. We have five big fridges in the restaurant,” Christopher tells me. “Now we’re really not going to need all of them.”
“Hey, don’t worry, we’ll think of something together!” I say to him. My face falls. That is, if Dad lets us stay.
Christopher studies my worried expression. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.” Now’s not the time to tell him about Dad. I can’t abandon my echo buddy in a state of emergency.
I take the Post-it note from Christopher and staple it to my backpack. “Grocery store—on it!”
Chapter 80
I tell Mom and my siblings what Christopher said about the grocery store when she picks us up. We should go as soon as my country club interview is over, which Mom hopefully won’t overhear.
“I highly doubt all the food will be gone,” Mom says, skeptical. “But if you really want to go, we can go a little later. I have to send off some emails, then I need to FedEx my college transcript over to the company in New York. I can drop you three off at the store and come back to pay.”
