Dare Me to Want You, page 15
She started to deny it, but what was the point? She’d locked down everything after the Jeff fiasco, and all it had done was completely isolate her from the world. Maybe talking through it with her sister was the right choice.
“I... He changed the rules on me. I had a fully fleshed-out plan, and every intention of following through on it, but I didn’t anticipate him. Our connection. He showed every evidence of wanting more with me—we even talked about it and he said so in as many words—and then I wake up this morning to find him gone.” She had to stop and focus on breathing for several moments. Even with the break, when she spoke again, her voice was strained. “I thought we were meeting tonight, but when I showed up to dinner, he’d set me up with another man.”
Becka’s blue eyes, so like Lucy’s, went wide. “I think you’re going to have to rewind to the part when you woke up alone. You had sex with Gideon?”
She’d left out that part of the plan, hadn’t she? Lucy cleared her throat and stared at the ever-darkening water of her tea. “We’ve been sleeping together since the initial agreement. It started out as a way to get my confidence back sexually, but things...changed.”
“They’ll do that when sex is involved.” She shot her sister a look, and Becka gave her wide eyes. “Not that I would know, of course. Your dear little sister is most definitely one hundred percent a virgin.”
She snorted. “I’d believe that if I hadn’t caught you and...what was his name?”
“Johnny Cash.” Becka laughed. “Don’t look at me like that. I know it wasn’t his real name, but I was eighteen and he was hot.” Her smile fell away. “So Gideon pulled a bait and switch on you? That’s seriously shitty, Lucy. I never pegged him for the type to play games like that, but I’ve been wrong before.”
“We Baudin women don’t have the best of tastes in men.”
“You can say that again.”
She was tempted to let them skirt into safer territory, but the raw feeling inside her only got worse with each minute that passed.
Lucy pulled her mug closer. “I promised myself that I wouldn’t fall in love again—that I wouldn’t even put myself in the position to do so. Feelings and caring on that depth only cause pain. I didn’t expect him. I couldn’t fight against the connection or the way he made me feel.” The burning in her throat got worse. “I thought we had a chance, Becka. A real chance. That maybe I didn’t miss my chance at a happily-ever-after, and maybe it could be with Gideon.”
“Oh, Lucy.”
She laughed, the sound vaguely liquid with unshed tears. “That’s very foolish, isn’t it?”
“It’s hopeful. There’s nothing wrong with hope.”
Except it was hope that had gotten her into this situation. It was because of hope that every beat of her heart felt as if someone were stabbing her. Hope had driven her to lay her heart bare for Gideon, and it’d gotten crushed in the process.
She took a drink, ignoring the way the hot water scalded her mouth. A small pain compared to her emotional wounds. “Screw hope. I want nothing to do with it anymore.”
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
GIDEON DIDN’T LOOK up as the door to his office slammed open. “Whatever it is, I don’t want to hear about it.” Keeping the damn door shut in the first place should have been enough to discourage anyone from coming in—anyone except Roman, that was.
But when he finally looked up, it wasn’t Roman kicking the door shut behind him.
It was Becka Baudin.
He stared for a long moment and shook his head. “No. Whatever you have to say to me has already been said, so get out.”
“It might have been said, but it wasn’t said by me.” She ignored his command and marched over to drop into the chair across the desk. She wore tennis shoes and neon-green workout shorts tiny enough to have him concerned about frostbite. When she shrugged out of her huge coat, she revealed a fitted tank top in an equally eye-searing pink. How it managed not to clash with her bright blue hair was beyond him.
“What the hell are you doing, walking around New York in January wearing that? You’re going to freeze your ass off.”
She blinked and then shook her head. “You have a lot of nerve. I could appreciate that if you weren’t such an overbearing, selfish asshole.” Becka jumped back to her feet. Gideon caught several of the men from the cubicles gravitating toward the windows of his office and stalked over to close the blinds.
“Put on some damn clothes.”
She pointed at him. “Sit your ass down and listen to what I have to say, and then I’ll leave and take my apparently inadequately clothed body with me.” Becka pulled her ponytail tighter. “What the hell are you doing with my sister?”
“Nothing.”
“No, shit.” She looked like she wanted to throw something at him. “You know, Lucy doesn’t get why you pulled that sneaky little trick with the date.”
“I—”
“But I do.” Becka paced from one side of his office to the other. “I might not have been around her and Jeff as much as you were, but I was around enough. I know you’ve been holding a flame for my big sister for years, and I know you were the one who broke the news to her about Jeff being a cheating bastard.”
He started to cut in, but she spoke over him. Again. “That must have been a head trip for you, huh? Hard to break up their relationship, even if it was the right thing to do, because you were in love with your cheating best friend’s girl. That muddies the waters.”
“Actually—”
“I am not through.” She glared, her blue eyes practically luminescent. “When I’m done talking, then you get to talk. Until then, sit down and shut up.”
He didn’t sit, but he did give her a short nod. Obviously she wasn’t going to be deterred from whatever she was trying to accomplish. After what he’d done to Lucy, the least he could do was stand here and take a verbal lashing from her sister. “Fine.”
“Good.” She took another lap from one side of his office to the other. “So, you’re carrying around a boatload of guilt, and playing the martyr and letting her try to move on with her life.” She shot him a look. “Martyrs aren’t sexy, by the way.”
She sure as hell wasn’t holding back. “Noted.”
“So, as my sister is telling me the insane deal she put together with you, I can’t help wondering what your motivation was. For screwing her, I get that—it was fulfilling a lifelong dream.”
He couldn’t let that stand. “No.”
She stopped. “No? Which part? Screwing my sister being a lifelong dream or—”
“Stop saying that. Fuck, Becka. I didn’t manipulate your sister into bed with me. She came to me.”
She propped her hands on her hips. “Aha. It wasn’t the sex, then. It’s the guilt.” She pursed her lips. “Guilt isn’t any sexier than martyrdom.”
“Why are you here, Becka?” He needed her to get to the point of this verbal thrashing so she’d leave. She wasn’t saying anything Gideon hadn’t already gone over more times than he could count. He’d replayed every step and second-guessed every action. It all added up to a mistake he couldn’t take back.
He still wasn’t sure if the mistake was agreeing to help Lucy—or leaving her.
“My point is that you love the shit out of my sister and have for years, but you decided to be the guilty martyr and make an executive decision about what she should have.” She stared him down. “Tell me I’m wrong.”
“She should—”
“Sweet baby Jesus.” Becka rolled her eyes. “Here’s a tip—take ‘should’ out of your vocabulary when you talk about my sister and her future. You might care about her, but ultimately, you don’t get a vote. She’s an adult. She can make her own choices. And she chose you, you asshat.” She shook her head. “The question is whether you are willing to choose her instead of your idealized version of her.” She snatched up her coat. “If I had a mic, I’d drop it, but you get the picture. Woman up or don’t, but unless you have a good grovel prepared, I don’t want to ever hear about you contacting my sister again.” She strode out the door, leaving a trail of startled and appreciative gazes behind her.
Gideon dropped into the chair behind his desk and stared at his dark monitor. Becka hadn’t said anything he didn’t already know. And yet...
And yet.
He drummed his fingers on the desk. The last twenty-four hours since the fallout with Lucy had been the worst of his life. He hadn’t slept. Food wasn’t of interest. He hadn’t even been able to work up the resolve to get good and drunk. Every time he turned around, he caught a trail of her summery scent, and the few times he’d been on the street, he’d looked for her distinctive stride even though he knew better.
He’d had his dream in the flesh—Lucy in his bed and in his life—and it’d been better than he could have imagined. He already knew she was driven and kind and had a sense of humor. He knew she loved Chinese takeout and discovering little hole-in-the-wall restaurants no one had ever heard of. He knew her parents were MIA, but she had a wonderful relationship with her sister.
He couldn’t have anticipated the passion that flared between them. Hoped, yes, but even that hadn’t encompassed reality. Lucy met him every step of the way, challenged him every step of the way. She brought fun into the bedroom even as she made him crazy in the best way possible.
And now he’d never touch her again. He’d never be able to show her a new place that he discovered. Never call just to chat with her because he was thinking of her. Never spend those fantasy lazy Sundays they kept talking about.
He’d done that.
There’s no one to blame here but me. I had it all and I shit it away.
Even if he tried to make things right, Lucy would likely tell him to get lost. She should tell him...
He went still. Fuck me, Becka is right. He and Lucy had been doing just fine before he’d started obsessing over what should happen rather than what was happening.
He’d done this. He’d ruined it.
Gideon had known that, but the truth drove home hard enough to have him rubbing the back of his hand across his mouth. He felt like the biggest piece of shit in existence to have been so close to everything he’d ever dreamed of romantically and for him to have been the one that made it combust.
He drummed his fingers faster.
Could he fix this?
Should—
No. There was no more room for should. He was head over heels in love with Lucy. If she’d have him—if she’d forgive him once again—he’d do everything in his power to ensure that he never hurt her again. Not like this. Never like this.
He straightened. He’d fix it. Tonight.
Right now.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
LUCY CRASHED AND burned in court. There was no other way to describe it. She’d bungled the opening statement and then made an ass of herself getting into it with the prosecuting attorney until the judge called a recess until the following day. She strode out of the courtroom, her throat tight with shame and her skin hot. I screwed up.
No matter how frustrating or crazy her personal life got, she had always—always—found refuge in work. With her clients, the world made sense. It didn’t matter what case they had leveled against them, she had a knack for finding the right facts to turn things in their favor. That click was her favorite thing in the world.
She’d lost it.
Two days since Gideon had unceremoniously dumped her, and she’d spent the entire time going through too many boxes of Kleenex and watching movie after movie while clutching Garfunkel. She hadn’t touched her files. She hadn’t checked her email. She hadn’t done anything other than sit there and feel sorry for herself.
It didn’t make sense. Work was her everything. Work was the reason she had contacted Gideon to begin with. Dropping the ball there was inexcusable.
Why? Why can’t I focus?
She knew the answer. She didn’t want to face it.
But Lucy couldn’t keep on like this indefinitely. If she didn’t recover tonight and fix the mess she’d made today, she could kiss her promotion goodbye and it would all be for nothing. Facing down the ugly truth required more courage than she thought she had.
She hit the street and turned a direction at random, needing the movement to untangle her thoughts. Three blocks later and she was no closer to unveiling the truth.
Coward. Just like you called him.
Damn it. Lucy stopped short. “I love him.” The comment earned her a few looks from people walking around her, but she started moving again before anyone could get pissed about her being a human roadblock. I love him.
She’d loved Jeff, but it was...different. Even if they’d been planning their wedding when she’d found out that he’d cheated on her, her connection with Jeff had never come close to what she felt for Gideon. Her heartbreak at the time hadn’t made her miss a step at work. If anything, without the stress of trying to juggle her emotions over Jeff’s nasty comments, she’d been free to focus solely on what was most important—her job.
The only problem? Her job didn’t hold up against what she felt for Gideon. Every time she tried to work, she caught herself wondering where he was or what he was doing—or who he might be with.
The last was her own personal demon. Lucy didn’t think for a minute that Gideon had dropped her on her ass and gone off to hook up with someone else. No matter what he’d said about not being the keeping kind, it was his fear talking—not reality.
He cared about her. He wouldn’t have taken the noble route if he hadn’t. It was a stupid choice, to be sure, but she understood that he was trying to protect her. He just wasn’t giving her the benefit of making her own choices.
That was the problem.
That was the thing she didn’t know if she could get over.
Liar.
Gideon might have pulled the trigger on ending things, but only because he’d beaten Lucy to it. She hadn’t fought for him—for them. He’d tried to do the noble thing and, instead of telling him where to stick his high-handed attitude, she’d just walked away. So much easier to retreat than to put herself on the line and be rejected by him.
Lucy wove through the crowd of people on the corner and stopped next to the building, staring at the stream of yellow taxicabs. She’d projected herself. She couldn’t even blame her history on her reaction. What she felt for Gideon scared the hell out of her. She knew he cared about her—loved her, even. They hadn’t shared so much for it to be anything less than love. He wouldn’t have told her to pick him unless he was one hundred percent serious. That wasn’t how Gideon operated. He didn’t play games.
Honesty. He demanded perfect honesty—and he’d given it, as well. She mentally played back everything he’d said to her. Nowhere in there was him telling her that all he’d wanted was sex. No, he didn’t think he was good enough for her, so he’d cut her loose. High-handed, but so very Gideon. He’d chosen her happiness over his.
She needed to put herself out there. To tell him that he was her happiness. Lucy had lived a decent life the last couple of years. She’d been perfectly content, but she’d also cut herself off from anyone that would make her feel deeply enough to hurt her. She’d barely tried to date and hadn’t attempted to reach out to friends she’d lost touch with.
She’d been the coward.
That stopped now. If Gideon didn’t want her—didn’t love her—he could damn well tell her to her face. That was the only acceptable reason for him dumping her. Anything else they could work past as long as they were together. Lucy would make him see that. The man might make her fumble her words a bit, but she’d power through it to get the truth out.
Her phone vibrated and she almost ignored it, but the only way to make her Dumpster fire of a day in court worse was to ignore a call from her client or one of the partners. But when she dug it out of her purse, it was the last number she expected to see there. Roman?
Lucy frowned and answered. “Hello?”
“I owe you an apology.”
She blinked. This situation kept getting weirder and weirder. Roman had never called her before, and she couldn’t think of a single reason he’d have to call her now. Unless... Her heart lodged in her throat. “Is Gideon okay?”
“What?” His shock seemed genuine and then he laughed, breaking her tension. “Shit, I guess I owe you two apologies. Gideon is fine last I saw him, which was yesterday. I should have realized you’d think the worst.”
Lucy let loose the breath she’d been holding. “Okay. Sorry. I just thought...”
“Logical. I should have considered it.” He cleared his throat. “Look, I fucked up, Lucy. I never asked your forgiveness for not telling you about Jeff, and then I went and compounded the issue by letting my guilt prod me to give Gideon some truly shitty advice.”
She’d known that something had happened while Gideon was with Roman to push him into action, but she didn’t hold it against him. Any of it. “Gideon’s strong-willed. He wouldn’t have been pushed into doing something he wasn’t already considering doing.”
“Still.”
She smiled at the stubbornness in that single word. It was no wonder the two men got along so well. They were cut from the same kind of cloth. “Consider yourself forgiven.”
“I’d actually like to make it up to you. Before you tell me it’s not necessary, know that I realize it’s not necessary and that’s how good apologies work.”
Amusement curled through her, though she wished he’d get to the point so she could hang up and call Gideon. “What did you have in mind?”
“What are you doing right now? A friend is doing a soft opening of his restaurant and I have a table reserved so we can talk.”
“Right now?” She looked around. “I guess that works.” Damn it, she wanted Gideon, but if she was going to get him to come around, it wouldn’t hurt to have Roman on her side. Maybe she could use the lunch to mine for information. The thought buoyed her disappointment a bit. “Text me the address, please.”
“Will do. I’ll meet you there.” He hung up before she could ask him any further questions.
