The Bad Guys, page 5
Wolf broke in, his voice like silk. “Excuse me, Madame Governor, I seem to remember that a wise person once said ‘Even trash can be recycled into something beautiful.’ ”
Diane considered this. “Okay,” she said eventually. “I’m game …”
The police chief was horrified. “No!”
“But,” Diane added, “we’ll hold on to the Dolphin until the gala … just to remove any unnecessary temptation.”
“Of course!” Professor Marmalade agreed. “Good thinking. That’s why you’re governor!” The tiny rodent passed the Golden Dolphin to the chief as Wolf’s eyes tracked its course. “Now that everyone’s happy …”
“Grrr!” The police chief said, stamping a foot. “I’m! Not! Happy!”
The little guinea pig beamed for the crowd. “I, Rupert Marmalade the Fourth, will turn the Bad Guys into … THE GOOD GUYS!” The crowd erupted in cheers, engulfing Professor Marmalade as soon as he’d uttered those magic words.
Behind him, Wolf slipped out of his cuffs, then stepped into the police van a free man. “I think these belong to you,” he said, handing them back to the police chief. Then he tipped his head in Diane’s direction and winked.
Diane winked back. “Not everyone gets a second chance. Make the most of it. Mr. Poodleton.”
Inside the police wagon, the rest of the gang stared in bewilderment at Wolf. They were confused and angry, wondering what on Earth he’d just done, what kind of bargain he’d gotten them roped into. “Uh, Wolf?” Snake snapped. “What are you doing?”
“What?” Wolf asked nonchalantly. Everyone stared at him, waiting for a real answer. “Oh, that! I’m sorry, I thought it was obvious.” He paused, then added, “We’re going to go good.”
“Uh …” Tarantula gaped at him. “You totally lost me.”
“I told him to stop drinking out of the toilet,” Piranha said, shaking his head.
“Hey …” Shark said, sounding worried. “Did you get hit on the head?”
Wolf shook his head. “No, I didn’t get hit on the head.”
“My cousin got hit on the head with an anchor and after that, he only swam in a circle,” Shark said, sinking lower at the memory of his cousin.
“No, no,” Wolf said. “Guys, guys, guys. You’re not following me. We are going to pretend to go good.”
Everyone stared blankly at Wolf.
“Just a few days with Marmalade …” Wolf explained patiently. “Talking about our feelings, drinking cucumber water, ‘I’m so sorry, I’ll never be a cool criminal again,’ yadda yadda yadda—and then, we roll into the gala as the Good Guys, and roll out scot-free with …”
“The Golden Dolphin!” the other four exclaimed at once.
Wolf nodded. Now it was making sense. “You got it. Since when do we not finish a job? The Bad Guys become the Good Guys, so we can stay the Bad Guys. You know what I’m saying?”
Snake grinned. This was good. Sssso good. “Bad guys acting good! It’s the ultimate Bad Guy thing. It’s FANTASTIC! Wolf, you’re a genius!” He paused for a second, realizing something. “Wait … what do we know about being good?”
“C’mon.” Wolf shrugged. “It’s easy peasy. I mean, you know. How hard can it be? This is going to be the most relaxing con ever. Like a vacation.”
They all laughed as their police wagon drove them off to Marmalade’s mansion and the next step in their ultimate plan.
Shark chuckled and added, “A con-cation!”
Professor Marmalade’s mansion was stunning, a gorgeous and majestic compound in sunny Malibu. Wolf’s secret lair was great and all, but this compound was a whole new level of elegance. “Now we’re talking!” Piranha cheered as the police van pulled into the professor’s massive drive.
“Wow! Big and fancy!” Tarantula said.
Shark stared in awe. “Rodent’s got taste!”
“Almost makes me wanna be cute,” Snake grumbled.
As the Bad Guys stepped past the front door, Marmalade’s voice echoed out all around them, “They say experience is the best teacher. And they are wrong. I am.”
Inside, Marmalade was waiting for them, nestled inside the giant, loving hands of his eager manservant, Cuddles. “Good morning, students of goodness, and welcome to the first day of the rest of your best life.”
Piranha, who’d been taking in the whole scene, suddenly giggled and pointed. “A giant butt!” The others turned to see what he was referring to. It was a marble replica of the Love Crater Meteorite (which did—in fact—look somewhat butt-like … even if most people preferred to say it looked like a heart) held up by a tiny marble Professor Marmalade sculpture.
“It’s not a butt!” Marmalade snapped. “It’s a lamp in the shape of the Love Crater Meteorite, my greatest good deed.” He clapped, turning the lamp on and off, to demonstrate how it worked.
“I wonder whose butt it is,” Piranha muttered.
“Once again,” Marmalade growled, “it’s not a butt, thank you. It’s a heart. Now, as I was saying …”
“Then why does it have cheeks?” Piranha blurted. “I’ve never seen a lamp with cheeks.”
Shark tried to shush Piranha; this was not the best way to get off to a good start with their host. Their job was to get Marmalade to trust them and like them, so they could trick him!
“It’s not a—” Marmalade began once more.
Piranha giggled and yelled out, “BOOOOO-TAY!!”
Marmalade exploded. “IT IS NOT A BUTT!”
The Bad Guys froze. This guy obviously had a temper.
Under his breath, Piranha muttered, “Does he even know what a butt is?”
“As I was saying!” Marmalade continued, frustrated. “On the outside, the five of you are villains, predators, remorseless sociopaths—”
“Oh, stop, you’re making me blush.” Shark fanned himself, honored by the compliments. It felt so good to be bad.
Marmalade glared at him. “But inside, there’s a flower! The flower of goodness. And when it blooms—and you feel that tingle of positivity radiating through your body—you’re going to want to feel it all the time! But not just any tingle … the tingle of goodness.” As Wolf tried to hide his tail, which had—once again—begun to wag, Marmalade led them through his house. “You’ll find this tingle of goodness in my state-of-the-art Sharing Laboratory.”
Wolf tried to hide a laugh. This guy was too much!
Marmalade continued, “Okay, Mr. Snake, I’m going to give you a push pop.”
Snake’s mouth began to water at the sight of his favorite tasty snack.
He licked his lips and lunged. “Great!” he cheered. “Push pop, just for me!”
But Marmalade pulled the push pop out of the way and explained, “No, to share.”
“Why?” Snake asked, his belly humming with excitement.
Marmalade feigned patience. “Well, on a fundamental level, it’s about putting someone else’s needs ahead of your own.”
Shark smiled and nodded, waiting. This time, his buddy had no choice but to give him the push pop! It was part of the exercise. Part of their plan.
“Oh no!” Snake snapped. “No way!”
Wolf warned, “Snake …”
“Ugh,” Snake grumbled. “Alright, alright.”
Shark grinned. “This is gonna taste extra sweet,” he told Snake. “’Cause I know how baaad you want it.” Snake reluctantly extended the push pop toward Shark. “Pop me, please!” Shark said, smiling more.
“Nope!” Snake said. “Sucker!” Then he quickly swallowed down the push pop in one quick gulp.
“That’s it!” Shark fumed. “I’ll teach you to share!” He opened his mouth and swallowed Snake in one quick gulp. Ha! Now he had taught Snake a lesson and the push pop was in his belly! “I like sharing! It’s yummy!”
Marmalade watched the “sharing” action unfold with a horrified expression on his face. “Well, that’s terrifying. Let’s try something simpler.” As soon as Shark had spit Snake out again, the professor led the gang poolside, and brought them to the base of a tall tree. Overhead, a stranded cat meowed helplessly.
“Hey, look!” Wolf said, pointing. “It’s a cat stuck in a tree!”
Marmalade nodded. “It doesn’t get much simpler than that. Now, what in this scenario would give you that good tingle?”
“Eating it,” Snake blurted. “This is why I always carry two pieces of bread with me.” He held up two slices of sandwich bread.
“No, I want you to s-s-s-s—” Marmalade prompted.
“Skin it?” Snake guessed.
“Stab it?” Shark tried.
Piranha said, “Sing to it?”
Webs asked, “Saute it?”
Overhead, the cat’s eyes went wide. “Meowwwww…”
Marmalade sighed. “SAVE it. I want you to save it.”
The Bad Guys all nodded. “Ohhhh. Right, right, right.” They turned to the tree, and took turns snarling out, in increasingly terrifying voices, “HERE, KITTY KITTY! HERE!”
The cat freaked out. She had zero interest in being “saved” by any of these wannabe “good guys.” She climbed higher up into the tree, trying to add even more space between herself and the ground and her so-called helpers.
“Whoa,” Snake said. “The cat is obviously defective.”
“What is wrong with you?!” Piranha asked his pals. “You’re gonna give it a heart attack. I’ll handle this …” A second later, Piranha rocketed himself up to the top of the tree. “WHAT’S UP, PAPA?!!” Piranha screamed at the cat.
Now in total freak-out mode, the cat tumbled out of the tree—trying to get away from Piranha. She landed directly on Wolf, ripping his fur to shreds with her claws. “Aaaahhh! Get him off my face! He’s on my face!” Wolf screeched. “Get it off, get it off, get it off!”
“No! No no no!” Marmalade screamed. “What are you doing?”
Marmalade’s servant, Cuddles, stepped forward to take the cat. The cat squirmed, then raced back up the tree. Stuck-in-a-tree was better than stuck-with-these-guys, any day.
Marmalade sighed. “What, may I ask, are you good at?”
“Uh, stealing stuff?” Piranha suggested.
The other guys chimed in, “Yeah! We’re great at that.”
“Extortion, robbery—” Snake added.
“Larceny—” said Webs.
“Wire fraud,” Piranha put in.
“Tax evasion,” Wolf reminded them.
Shark piped up, “Heists—”
“Mail fraud—” Webs went on.
“Wait!” Marmalade said, cutting them off. “Heists, you say?”
“Well, yeah.” Wolf nodded. “It’s kind of our specialty.”
Marmalade’s tiny mouth curled into a smile. “I might just have an idea.”
That afternoon, Professor Marmalade and Cuddles led the Bad Guys to a bright, fancy-looking science lab. Protesters were gathered outside the building, holding signs that read, “Free the Guinea Pigs!” The group could hear the protesters chanting that same refrain, over and over, near the front doors of the facility.
“This is an animal testing lab,” the professor explained. “Within, 200,000 helpless guinea pigs, all being poked and prodded by sadistic scientists.”
Snake began to drool. “Guinea pigs, you say?”
“When you use your criminal skills to rescue my fluffy brethren,” Marmalade told them, “there is no way you won’t tingle. You might even wag.”
In a trancelike state, Snake muttered again, “Guinea pigs, you say …”
“Snaaaake!” Wolf warned.
Marmalade held out a tiny hand, asking for patience. “I want you to rescue them. But this is a heist for good. So, I brought something more … friendly for you to wear.” He joyfully presented the Bad Guys with a set of cute animal onesies for them to use as disguises. Wolf would be working this job dressed as a sheep, Snake as a unicorn, Piranha as a fluffy teddy bear, Shark as a harmless walrus, and Tarantula as a foolish lemur. It was the ultimate humiliation. “I’ll meet you at the front gate in fifteen minutes. Bye-ee!” He sped off, leaving the guys alone for the first time all day.
Tarantula glanced down at his lemur suit. “Is he serious?”
Piranha shrugged, snuggling into his teddy bear suit. “At least it’s comfy.”
Wolf gathered the gang together to lay out his plan. He pointed to a window on the second floor of the lab, where a scientist was working away. “That’s our way in,” he told the others. “We need to distract those scientists.” He nodded at Shark. “Shark, you’re up.”
“Copy that,” Shark agreed.
Still outside, the other guys began working on their part of the plan. “We’re gonna need a rope to get up there,” Wolf said. “And a hook.”
Snake said, “I got this one!”
The rest of the guys looked at Snake, immediately suspicious. “You’re volunteering?” Piranha asked.
“You’ve never volunteered for anything,” Wolf reminded him. “Ever.”
“Sure I did. Right now. Throw me up there!!” Snake hollered. “Giddyup!”
“Really?” Wolf asked, pointing to the window.
“Yup!” Snake said. “Let’s do it! ROPE ME!”
By that point, Shark had snuck inside the lab and was now wearing a fake mustache and carrying a baseball mitt. “Hey there, son,” he said to the scientist working inside the lab.
“D-d-dad?” the scientist stammered.
Shark nodded. “I know you’ve got an important job, but I hope you still have time for catch with your old man.”
“Oh!” the scientist said, shocked.
“You’ll always be my special boy!” Shark cooed.
The scientist raced toward the door. “I’ve been waiting my entire life for this moment!”
“Okay, then,” Shark said, grinning as he held up a baseball. “Now, go long!”
As soon as the scientist was gone, Shark thrust his fin out the window and caught Snake. The rest of the team used Snake’s body to crawl up and into the window.
Once they were inside, the guys regrouped outside the lab’s steel door, which led into the guinea pig testing area. “All right,” Marmalade said, his voice cracking over the radio. “The only way in is through the vents.”
Snake was already climbing into the vent. “I got it! Upsy-daisy!”
Wolf glared as Snake’s tail disappeared into the vent. He could tell his buddy was up to something … something decidedly not good.
“I’ve never seen him so chipper,” Shark noted. “Has he been meditating?”
As he slithered through the vents, Snake felt good. Sooooo good. Heading toward the testing area full of guinea pigs, he sang, “Over the filters and through the vents, to guinea pig land we go …” He sniffed and licked the air, working his way closer and closer to the little rodents. Suddenly, he fell from a vent, down, down into a dark room.
It took a moment for his eyes to adjust to the darkness, but when they did, Snake could hardly believe what he was seeing: It was a whole room packed full of his very favorite snack. And he had the whole place all to himself! “Snake attack …” he muttered.
“Come on, Snake!” Wolf called, a few minutes later. “Snake, open up.”
Eventually, the door to the central vault swung open. “Relax,” Snake told him. “These doors are complicated. Takes a lot of finesse.”
But as soon as the other Bad Guys made their way into the guinea pig vault, they could see exactly what had taken so long. Snake’s belly was full of guinea pigs. He was loaded down like Santa Claus with his bag of presents—but Snake’s bag was his belly, and his presents were guinea pigs!
“Are you kidding me?!” the rest of the Bad Guys shrieked.
“What do you think you’re doing?” Wolf growled. “We’re supposed to save them, not eat them!”
Snake licked his lips. “Well, I’d say they’ve gone to a better place.” He burped, tasting the smell of rodent on the air once more.
“Alright,” Wolf grumbled. “That’s it.” He picked Snake up and began to swing him around like a lasso. Guinea pigs began to fly everywhere, spewing out of Snake’s belly like gunfire. “Spit! Them! Out!” As they shot across the room, the guinea pigs squealed and scattered, trying desperately to escape while Shark, Piranha, and Tarantula tried to wrangle them. “Calm down!” Wolf ordered. “We’re saving you, you stupid hairballs.”
Outside the lab, Marmalade’s limo pulled up to the front of the testing facility. He greeted the protesters, who were still gathered outside. “Hey, look!” one of the protesters shouted. “It’s Professor Marmalade! He’s here to save the guinea pigs!”
Marmalade bowed and waved. “Yes, that’s right. Help has arrived!”
The protesters all held up cameras, eager to capture the moment of their hero’s triumph.
“Keep watching,” Marmalade told them all. “Any second now …”
Just then, another guinea pig flew out of Snake’s mouth and—bing!—hit the latch on the doors to the facility. The pressure from the crush of terrified guinea pigs trying to make their escape caused the doors to fling open. The guinea pigs stampeded out of the building, squealing in terror, as the Bad Guys chased after them. Wolf set Snake down, mid-spin. “It’s not what it looks like,” Wolf said to Marmalade and the protesters. Though even Wolf could see this whole scene really didn’t look good.
And then, moments later, Snake coughed, and the final guinea pig popped out of his mouth. The protestors all gasped, horrified to see what exactly had been going on inside the lab during the Bad Guys’ supposed rescue mission.
Standing before the crowd, Marmalade slowly shook his head. It was becoming clear this plan to turn the Bad Guys good was going to be a whole lot more complicated than he’d bargained for.
The next day, Governor Diane Foxington paced in front of the Bad Guys, inside Marmalade’s mansion. She held up a newspaper with a frozen image of the Bad Guys splashed across the cover. The headline read: “BAD GUYS TERRORIZE ADORABLE RODENTS.” She glared at the crew, who were all smart enough to pretend to look sheepish.
