Fair Play (L.A. Phantoms Book 6), page 21
I smile feebly. “Thank you. I guess it’s been a while since I had a good cry.”
“We all need one of those every now and then. Especially when the man in your life—or men, in this case—are behaving badly.”
“I thought he loved me,” I admit sadly. “Or at least thought he was getting there.”
“I think he does. Or is. But this is complicated. No one wants to come between family, especially when you and Bodi don’t have anyone else. That part of it I understand. He’s afraid you’d start to resent him, you know? And you might. Bodi did give up a lot to take care of you, and Rome respects that. How can he not?”
“So I should be alone forever because Bodi made a choice to step up and be a good big brother? I don’t get to fall in love or have a family of my own?” I demand.
“Of course you do. But he has to work through whatever is going on in his head, whether it’s trauma, like you think, or something else. And eventually, someone is going to have to give him an ultimatum.”
“If it wasn’t the playoffs, with so much at stake for both of them, I would fight, but I can’t. Not right now. And frankly, I feel like Rome should fight for me. If he loves me.”
“And maybe he will. Give it a couple of days. Let them both see what it’s like not having you in their lives. Neither of them is going to like it.”
I really, really hope she’s right because I don’t like it either.
Chapter 38
Rome
Something wet and squishy against my mouth startles me awake and my eyes pop open. Marty’s not-quite-two-year-old son, Brad, is standing at eye level, watching me intently.
“Bek-fist?” he asks, happily holding out a fistful of wet, soggy cereal.
“No thanks, buddy, I’m good.”
Apparently, no isn’t the right answer, because he pushes the messy concoction more firmly against my mouth.
“Bradley!” Stevie comes skidding into the room. “What did we say about waking up Uncle Rome?”
“Bek-fist!” he says, as if that explains everything.
“I’m so sorry,” Stevie whispers, scooping Bradley up. “Marty left to take Martin to school and Emma was having a meltdown so Bradley got away from me.”
“I mean, it’s not my choice of food, but who can say no to breakfast in bed?” I ask good-naturedly.
Marty and Stevie have been godsends, inviting me into their home pretty much no questions asked.
“Sorry!” Stevie hurries out, closing the door behind her and I roll onto my back.
It’s time to get up anyway.
Tonight is game three, here in L.A. We have a morning skate at ten and then have to be back at the arena around four. I’m trying to muster up the tiniest bit of excitement but since my conversation with Billie yesterday, it feels like my life went from color to black and white.
The hurt in her eyes nearly undid me. Then she masked it with anger, and I can’t blame her. I hate the thought that I’ve made her cry, but I’m being pulled in so many directions right now. It’s hard to consider moving on without her, especially after the things Ms. Barrowman said.
How she chose me because she thinks I’m a good fit here.
How the team needs someone exactly like me to shake things up.
How I’ve performed better in my short time here than Bodi has playing all season.
That’s such a mixed bag because on one hand—I want to stay. So fucking bad I can taste it. I can play it cool when I talk to other people, but on the inside, of course I don’t want to retire. I’d play forever if I could, and I’m pretty sure ninety-nine percent of all players would say the same thing.
Reality isn’t the same thing as what we want in our hearts, so you pretend you’re resigned to whatever is going to happen. Pretend you’re ready for whatever comes next, when hockey no longer dominates your every thought, your schedule, your life. That’s when you buy a cabin on a lake in Bumfuck, New York and pretend you’re okay with this next phase.
That is, until you meet a firecracker of a woman who tilts your world—and everything you thought you knew—on its axis.
She wasn’t supposed to be my teammate’s little sister.
She wasn’t supposed to be thirteen years younger than me.
She definitely wasn’t supposed to make me fall in love with her.
But she is and she did.
And I just told my boss that I’m okay with being traded away from the best thing to ever happen to me because her jerk of a brother deserves his chance. I’m one injury away from the end, so it makes sense to bet on Bodi. Not the old guy who doesn’t bring anything but experience to the table.
Fuck.
I get dressed and freshen up before wandering downstairs. I’ve tried not to get in the way of Marty and Stevie’s routine, especially now that we’re in the throes of the playoffs and she’s buried in wedding planning. Their wedding is at the end of June in Paris, so the formal dining room has been turned into a staging area. Folders and magazines, lists and samples, books and sketches. I’ve never seen anything like it, certainly not for either of my weddings.
Of course, I never married a supermodel.
“Hey, you ready to go?” Marty asks me when I get to the kitchen. “We can stop at a drive-through if you want to grab something?”
We’d decided to drive to practice together so I nod. “Yeah. Let’s go.”
“I hear Brad woke you up this morning. Sorry about that.”
I chuckle. “It’s no biggie. He’s fun.”
Marty rolls his eyes. “I mean, sometimes…”
We get in his SUV and he heads toward a drive-thru.
“You okay?”
“I don’t know how to answer that,” I admit. “I’m putting one foot in front of the other, trying to focus on hockey, but it’s not easy.”
“It’s not. I found out my wife was fucking one of my teammates on a road trip, so I understand the distraction, the turmoil. But you need to put it all on the back burner until the season is over.”
“Doing my best.” I stare out the window, trying not to show any more vulnerability than necessary. He’s been a good friend to me but I’m not ready to talk about the mess I’m in beyond what he already knows.
“If you love her, she’ll still be there this summer.”
“She said she wouldn’t.”
“When?”
“Yesterday. I asked for some time to figure out some things and she told me to take all the time I need because she won’t be there when I’m done.”
“That was hurt talking.”
“It was. But I know Billie. She’s torn between me and her brother, so I had to take that choice off the table. There’s no way in hell I can make her choose. For whatever reason, he doesn’t want us together, so…”
“He’ll get over it. He has to. Because he’ll drive her away all on his own if he keeps this up.”
“He needs therapy,” I say. “Billie thinks it’s because he never got help for the trauma of losing his parents the way he did. Now that trauma is manifesting itself in being overprotective with her. And it’s random, like he was fine with her living in a dorm in college, as long as they were in the same city, but when he moved to L.A. he wouldn’t leave her behind. And he seems to think hockey players are the worst human beings on the planet.”
“He’s projecting,” Marty says after a moment. “He’s always on the prowl. And he’s single, so more power to him, but it’s not fair to paint us all in the same light.”
“To be fair, I’ve been divorced twice and haven’t always been a good guy in relationships.”
“Have you been good to Billie?”
I take a few seconds to think about that.
Have I?
I think back to us going skating in Venice. Helping her get on the ice on Easter. Introducing her to my family. Giving her my dad’s car. So many ways I tried to show her I cared.
“I have,” I say finally, because it’s true.
“And do you love her?”
That’s the million-dollar question.
Because I think I do but is thinking it the same as actually feeling it?
“If you don’t, then you’re doing the right thing by walking away.”
“But if I do?”
“Then you’d better figure out how to make this up to her—and how to get things right with Bodi—before you lose her for good.”
“I don’t know that there’s anything I can do to make Bodi accept me as the man in Billie’s life.”
“It might be time for Bodi to grow up,” he says thoughtfully. “Because even if it’s not you, there will be a man in Billie’s life at some point. Today, tomorrow, in five years. He has to get his head out of his ass. Maybe we should talk to Blake—the two of them go way back—see if we can get any insight.”
“We?”
He smiles. “It’s exhausting being the second-oldest guy on the team. It’s like being a big brother to the whole locker room. Gabe and I need some help reining them in. So I don’t want to lose you.”
“I told Ms. Barrowman if one of us had to go, it should be me. Chances are, I won’t be here next season.”
“Dude, you know damn well that’s not how it works. Bodi’s talented but lazy and distracted by all his extracurricular activities. I’d be willing to bet they keep you and trade him. At the very least, he won’t be protected during the expansion draft.”
There will be a new team coming into the league next season, the Atlanta Thunder, and once the season is over, they’ll be able to take one player from each existing team during the draft. Current teams can only protect a limited number of players, so guys like Bodi and me will be up for grabs. And no one is taking a thirty-five-year-old prone to injury.
“I just don’t want them to send him back down to the minors.”
“That’s not on you. Nothing that’s happening is your fault. You and Billie started dating, which shouldn’t be a big deal. Bodi’s the one who made it into a thing.”
“I know.”
“What do you want to do?”
“I don’t fucking know.”
“You’re going to need to figure it out because you can’t fix any of this if you don’t.”
It’s just not that easy.
My feelings for her and being together—that part is easy. It’s everything else that gets complicated.
Whether or not I want to stay in L.A.
Not knowing what the future holds for me professionally.
My finances, or lack thereof.
Except Billie doesn’t care about money. I know that with everything I am.
She’s tied to L.A. short-term, especially if she decides to finish grad school, but it wouldn’t necessarily be forever. She has a lot of irons in the fire, all of them promising, and it feels like she’s put a lot more thought into our future than I have.
Please don’t give up on me, I think as we pull up to the arena.
I just need a little time to get through hockey season, figure out what’s next both for me and for us, if there’s going to be an us.
Because I do love her.
I’m just not sure that’s enough.
Chapter 39
Rome
We sweep the Sidewinders in four games and get ready for the semifinals since the other match-up in the west is still going on. There’s a weird vibe in the locker room, despite the excitement, because it feels like everyone is walking on eggshells. Not just Bodi and me, but the entire team. It’s almost like everyone is taking sides but they don’t want to let others know they’ve picked a side, so no one says anything.
Instead of a celebration when we get to the lounge, most of the guys are focused on their families. Mom and Athena are here, which is nice, but it’s not the same as when Billie was here.
And I fucking hate it.
“Rome.” Bodi comes up behind me, his face a mask of nothingness. As if he’s working hard not to let me see what he’s thinking.
“What’s up?” I ask in a guarded tone.
“Is she okay? I mean, if she… needs anything, uh, you know, money or whatever, tell her to just take it out of the household account.”
I frown. “Why are you asking me? I haven’t seen her.”
His eyes snap to mine. “What are you talking about?”
“What are you talking about?”
We stare at each other.
“She’s not living with you?”
“I’m staying with Marty. I thought she was home with you.”
“I came home from practice the day after we met with Ms. Barrowman and her stuff was gone. I assumed she was with you.”
“We had a fight. She’s not speaking to me.”
His face hardens. “Then where the hell is she?”
“Again, I assumed she was with you.”
“She’s fine.” Athena comes up to us with a scowl on her face. “She’s living with Nita, trying to finish the semester and graduate college without the two biggest pains in the ass in her life fucking with her head.”
Bodi looks like he wants to say something but then shakes his head. “I’ve tried calling but she blocked my number.”
I don’t say anything because I haven’t tried reaching out since I left the diner last week.
“She’s pissed at both of you,” Athena says, shaking her head. “And if you care about her, leave her alone. At least until she gets all her end-of-semester work turned in. She’s stressed and working a lot of hours, so try not to add anything to her plate.” At that, she turns and walks away.
I don’t have anything to say to Bodi but he’s shuffling his feet, looking uncomfortable.
“What?” I ask when I can’t stand it anymore. “Whatever you’re trying to say, just spit it out.”
“I was going to throw her a graduation party but she told me not to bother. Then she blocked me. She’s never done that before.”
Am I supposed to tell him I’m sorry?
I’m trying to be professional but I’m at a loss here.
“Dude, I don’t know what you want from me. You wanted me to leave her alone, so I did. Now you’re acting all confused that I can’t help you make up with her. You can’t have it both ways.”
He puts his hands on his hips and finally meets my gaze. “Do you love her?”
I laugh.
It’s not funny but it’s so ironic I can’t seem to help myself.
“Are you for real right now?”
“I’m trying to be open-minded,” he growls through clenched teeth.
I feel more than see Marty’s presence at my side.
Blake seems to materialize out of nowhere as well, coming to stand beside Bodi.
Like this is an old-fashioned duel or some shit.
“It’s too late for that,” I say quietly. “You forced me to break her heart, so she wouldn’t have to choose between us. Now you can’t seriously expect me to help you fix things on your end.”
Bodi looks completely frustrated. “But I thought…”
“What? What did you think? That I threw myself under the bus with Ms. Barrowman because I don’t love your sister? That’s the difference between us, man. I love her enough to put her needs before my own.”
I see Blake grimace and Bodi’s ears turn red but I’m not getting into any pissing contests with him.
Especially not with all the kids running around.
I turn and head into the hallway before I do something I regret. It’s hard to resist the urge to punch Bodi in the face, but I’m doing the best I can.
“Rome.” My sister catches up to me and takes my arm as we walk down the hall toward the players’ parking lot. “Talk to me, big brother. What’s going on in that messed up brain of yours?”
I snort. “I’m attempting to be the grown-up and do what’s right. For Bodi, for Billie, and even for me.”
“I’m going to go out on a limb and say that nothing you’ve done is the right thing for you.”
“Like I told him, I did what I did because it was better for her. My future is completely up in the air, but he’s her brother. Coming between them will never end well for me. It might be a year or ten years, but eventually she’ll resent me for driving that wedge between them, and I can’t do it.”
“I think you’re scared,” she counters.
“You wouldn’t be wrong.”
“Don’t let her slip through your fingers, Rome,” she says softly. “She’s special. You know it. I know it. Even Bodi knows it. He’s not good at expressing himself but tonight was an olive branch.”
“Tonight was him acknowledging that he’s going to lose his sister if he doesn’t change his ways. It had nothing to do with me. Not really. Besides, even if he full-on gave us his blessing, I’m probably not going to be here next season. What’s the point?”
“Your life could be here too. Tell the boss you changed your mind, you don’t want to be traded.”
“It’s too late.”
“Even if it is, it might just be one season where you do the long-distance thing. Give Billie a chance to learn the ropes with Nita, finish her master’s degree, and then maybe open a franchise in a city where you can both be happy. Bodi has issues but you do too. Don’t let your disastrous past relationships impact what you could have with Billie. She’s not them. Not by a long shot.”
“I know that.”
“She’s the one, Rome. The balm to your wounds. The love you never thought you could have. Go get her. Sell that stupid house in New York and use the money to start your life with Billie. Remember when she told you Bodi would come around?”
I nod, my heart suddenly racing.
“What do you think just happened? Now you just have to get your head out of your ass and go get your girl. Do I have to teach you everything?”
“No, but sometimes it’s good if you do anyway. Thanks, sis.” I lean over and kiss her cheek.
First thing tomorrow I’m going to call my realtor in New York.
Then I’m going to meet with Ms. Barrowman again.
I don’t have a plan yet but I’m buzzing with ideas.
