It was also time to tell my friends about my plans to retire. We were on a West Coast road trip now, and tonight, Ian, Tore and I had all scored goals. Everyone on the team was in a great mood when it was over, so many of them opted to go out for a few drinks. I convinced Ian, Tore and Zaan to meet me at the hotel bar instead of actually going out, and I waited for them to join me. Since I was closer to these guys than the others, it was time I read them in on everything going on in my head. Ian knew some of it, but not the latest stuff, so as we settled at a table in the back, I decided to bring it up.

  “I’ve had some shit on my mind,” I said once we had drinks.

  “All that going back to college stuff?” Tore asked curiously.

  “That’s part of it.” I looked from him to Ian and back again, before blurting it out. “This is my last season. I’m retiring next summer.”

  Tore was probably a lot more shocked than Ian, but none of them said anything for a long time. Until I finally took a pull from my beer and arched a brow. “Really? No comments at all?”

  Ian smiled and lifted his bottle of beer. “Mate, I’ve seen this coming for a while, so I already kind of knew.”

  “Well, I didn’t!” Tore said indignantly. “I mean, what the fuck? What are you going to do?”

  “I don’t know exactly,” I admitted. “But probably get my degree and do some bodyguard stuff for Westfield & Carruthers Security.”

  Tore frowned. “But why? I mean, I get the college thing, but bodyguard? Why would you give up the money to protect spoiled rock stars and politicians and shit? I could see you joining the military or something, but bodyguard? For what they’ll pay you? Is that going to fulfill you? I mean, I don’t know much, but I know you, and you’re better than that. I’m not saying it’s not important, but it’s not you.”

  I frowned. He’d caught me by surprise with his reaction, and while I’d had a dozen responses ready for questions I’d thought they would ask, this wasn’t one of them.

  “Well, as the husband of one of those spoiled rock stars,” Zaan said slowly, “I think being a bodyguard is important, but I’m also struggling to figure out why you would leave what we do in hockey to do that.”

  “It’s not my end game,” I said, unreasonably annoyed with the turn the conversation had taken. “But I have to start somewhere. I can’t go from pro athlete to the FBI with a snap of my fingers. The FBI is just an example, but that’s what this is about. It’s about me looking for something else, something with a little more meaning. I haven’t figured out the details yet, but the longer I stay in hockey, the longer I put off following my heart.”

  “Well, I for one, am going to miss you,” Ian said quietly. “But I respect you for listening to your gut when it’s telling you it’s time to move on.”

  “What does Isla say?” Zaan asked curiously.

  I dipped my head. “That, uh, didn’t work out.”

  Zaan and Ian looked at each other. “I’m so glad I’m married,” Zaan said.

  “You can bloody well say that again.” They clinked glasses and I didn’t know if I felt better or worse.

  “So you’re done at the end of the season?” Ian asked, turning back to me.

  “Yeah.”

  “Have you told coach?”

  “I’m not telling anyone but the three of you until later in the season. Maybe not until the season is over. Although they’re going to suspect something if I don’t renew my contract. We’ll see what my agent says.”

  “I’m sorry about you and Isla, though,” Zaan said. “I thought you two were good together.”

  “We are,” I mumbled. “She’s just not willing to leave her job and I can’t go to Scotland.”

  “What about MI6?” Zaan teased. “You could probably become a British spy, no?”

  I laughed. “I don’t know that they want a Canadian, former professional hockey player working for them, but I guess it can’t hurt to ask.”

  “What about the RCMP?” Zaan asked, referring to the Royal Canadian Mounted Police.

  “That would require moving back to Canada, and again, Isla’s in Scotland.”

  “So the only way for you two to be together would be for you to move there?” Zaan asked in confusion. “That sounds kinda selfish.” He glanced at Ian. “Sorry, I know she’s your sister, but it does.”

  Ian shrugged. “I think she’s being a bit selfish as well, but I can’t tell her that because, you know, that twin thing. She’d kill me.”

  “I don’t expect you to take sides,” I told him. “It’s all good. I guess it wasn’t meant to be.”

  “I wish you wouldn’t give up,” Ian said after a moment. “She loves you. I know she does, and you feel the same way about her.”

  “Is your family still planning to come for the holidays?” I asked him.

  He nodded. “It depends on Granddad’s health, but as far as I know, yes. They’re going to come here and then we’re all meeting in Limaj for the game.”

  My heart skipped a beat and for a moment, I had hope, but then I remembered that nothing would change between now and then.

  “Well, it’ll be good to see the family, but I don’t think there’s much hope for Isla and me. While there’s nothing I’m ready to talk about, I do have multiple options, but to be honest, I don’t think she’s interested in marrying a bodyguard.”

  “That doesn’t sound like Isla,” Ian said. “She’s my twin, and I know her better than anyone. That’s not like her. I think it’s more about the uncertainty. She always has a plan. Like when she blurted out that you were her boyfriend to Granddad. It was impulsive and she panicked, so she immediately called me to come up with a plan. That’s how she operates. It’s the uncertainty that has her off-balance, not your career choice. She’s not petty that way.”

  “Well, whatever it is, the fact that I love her apparently wasn’t enough to keep her with me. It is what it is. Might be time for a few one-night stands.”

  Zaan shrugged. “I can’t think of a single one-night stand that was anywhere near as hot as the sex I have with my wife.”

  “Same.” Ian nodded.

  “You guys really know how to hurt a guy when he’s down, huh?” I chuckled. What else could I do?

  “Hello, boys.” A pretty blonde with a smokin’ hot figure and a really low-cut dress came and stood beside us. “I’d like to believe one of the four of you would like to buy a thirsty girl a drink.”

  I thought about it but then shook my head, smiling. “Not tonight, doll.”

  “Did you even consider going there?” Ian asked me as she ambled off.

  “Well, I’m decidedly single again,” I sighed. “But no, I’m not ready for that kind of thing. It doesn’t feel like this thing with Isla and me is over.”

  “I don’t think it is either.”

  I wasn’t sure what was going to happen, but once all my plans came together, I was going to give it one more shot. I wouldn’t say that out loud, because I really didn’t want to jinx it.

  29

  Isla

  Granddad got his strength back relatively quickly, and though he was taking it easy, only going into the office once a week and working remotely two other days, he looked his age these days, which was terrifying. After losing my father, the idea of losing my grandfather as well was completely unacceptable. He was older, so it could happen, but I didn’t want to think about it. The prostate cancer had caught us all off guard, and though I still disliked his interference in my life, I understood it more now. I only wished he’d told us about the cancer.

  The recovery rate for prostate cancer was high, so his chances were excellent. Luckily, it had been caught at a yearly physical, so it was early and the doctors didn’t expect it had spread. It was good news all around, despite the anemia-induced collapse, but we were all spending a lot more time with him. In fact, he’d shooed us all out of his den the other morning, claiming he had work to do, though I suspected it was more about having a little peace and quiet.

  Today was Sunday and though I usually took the day off, I had what felt like a thousand papers to grade, so I was on the terrace doing that in the hopes of getting ahead of things before the new week started. It was chilly but the sun was out, so I took advantage of being outside.

  There was movement behind me and I was surprised to see Granddad coming out. He sank into the chair beside mine and smiled.

  “Hello, love. What’re you working on?”

  “Grading papers. As usual.”

  “You used to spend days off at the lab.”

  “I know.” I didn’t look up, continuing to read through the paper in front of me.

  “What’s going on, lass?” His voice softened. “Can’t you talk to me?”

  I looked up this time. “I don’t know if I can. You’re so busy trying to marry me off, you don’t really listen to me anymore.”

  He sighed. “I’m sorry about that, love. I tried to let it go, to let you find your own way, but when I got this bloody diagnosis, I may have panicked a wee bit. You’re my only granddaughter—I want to see you happy, settled, with someone to take care of you when I’m gone. And I don’t mean financially. I’m talking about your mind, your soul, the things that money can’t help with. You’ve not been truly happy for a while, lass, and I wanted to help.”

  “I know, but you can’t force me to love someone.”

  “Seems I didn’t have to. You found someone that made you smile. And now I understand it’s over?”

  I sighed. “I can’t follow him around while he has this early midlife crisis. I would be willing to move, find a position at a university wherever he is, but from what he’s been saying, he doesn’t even know what he wants to do, much less where he’s going to be.”

  “So you ended it?”

  “We kind of mutually ended it. I think I hurt his feelings a bit, but I didn’t know what else to do. I’d be willing to compromise, but it doesn’t feel like a compromise—it feels like he wants me to give up everything I’ve worked for to be with him. And it’s not fair. I know you think I should stay home and make babies, but I’m a scientist, and frankly, it shouldn’t have to be all or nothing.”

  “I couldn’t agree more.”

  I blinked. “You…what?” I wasn’t sure I’d heard him right.

  “I agree. A relationship is full of compromise, but no one should give up everything. However, what I disagree with, is that the two of you just ended it without at least trying to come up with a plan. Dax is a good man. I was over the moon when I thought the two of you were together. But since you mucked it up, now it feels like I may have to interfere in your life again.”

  I smiled sadly. “I don’t know what you can do. Unless you know something I don’t, he literally doesn’t know where he’s going to be at the end of hockey season… Where does that leave me?”

  “On sabbatical? Writing a book? Perhaps doing some guest lectures. You still have friends at Harvard, don’t you? You have dozens of options if you let yourself explore some of them.”

  “Change is hard,” I whispered. “And what if no one wants me?”

  “Isla.” He shook his head. “You’re a brilliant scientist. You’re Harvard-educated, with a Ph.D. Your dissertation was absolutely incredible. Since when are you insecure about your accomplishments?”

  I didn’t have an answer to that.

  “Isla?”

  Great. He wasn’t going to let it go, which meant I actually had to answer him.

  “I’m not insecure, so to speak. More that I don’t like to be without a plan, and randomly lecturing here and there, writing a book, things like that are very unorganized.”

  “You’re far too young to be so rigid,” he said quietly. “This is one of many reasons I thought I had to meddle in your life in the first place, but if we’re being honest, there’s enough leftover toxic masculinity in my generation to make me feel like I knew what was best for you better than you did. I think I’ve come a long way, but I’m probably not where I need to be either.”

  “Toxic masculinity…” I stared at him for a moment and then we both chuckled. “You never fail to amaze me, Granddad. And I understand the generational differences, but nothing you do is going to make me fall in love with a man I simply don’t love.”

  “I know that, but you fell in love with a good one, and now it seems like I may have to do something to help things get back on track.”

  “There’s nothing you can do,” I said gently, “but you’ve given me something to think about, and I’m going to put out some feelers to see what’s out there. I promise.”

  “That’s a good start.” He got to his feet and reached out to squeeze my shoulder before going back inside.

  I still hadn’t booked my flight to Las Vegas and one day early in November, Everly called to nag me about it.

  “You’re not going to spend Christmas alone,” she said firmly. “Now book your bloody ticket before I sic your brother on you!”

  “My brother is rubbing off on you,” I said, laughing at her use of the word “bloody.”

  “Probably, but don’t change the subject.”

  “I know.” I sighed. “I just don’t know how I’m going to be around Dax through the holidays with us not together anymore.”

  “Do you still love him?”

  “Of course. Feelings don’t change just because of circumstances.”

  “Then maybe it’s time for a Christmas miracle.”

  “Oh, not you too,” I said. “My grandfather is threatening to interfere and Ian keeps saying there’s hope.”

  “Don’t you want there to be? Hope, I mean?”

  “Of course, but with both of us going through professional crises, I don’t know that we can even try until we’ve sorted out some of it.”

  “Are you working on some of that?” she asked softly.

  “I am. I spoke to one of my professors at Harvard, and he said they’d love to have me come do some guest lecturing about my black hole research, and I have a phone conference this week with someone in the physics department at UNLV.”

  “So there is hope.”

  “I suppose there is. You mustn’t mention it to anyone, though, not even Ian. I don’t want him to feel like he’s keeping a secret from Dax. Just a few weeks until I get to Vegas and then I’ll talk about everything in person.”

  “My lips are sealed. Now, I’m emailing you the flight we’ve all booked to Limaj for the thirtieth of December. You need to get on it.”

  I laughed. “I’ll take care of it today.”

  We talked for a few more minutes and then disconnected. I was about to log into my email to see her itinerary when Dr. Graham knocked on my office door. I looked up warily. It was never a good thing when he stopped by.

  “Dr. Campbell.” He came in briskly, putting some papers on my desk. “We’ve just heard from Dr. Brandon. It appears she’s not coming back. She’s decided to stay home with her newborn, so we’re scrambling to reassign her classes. This is what your schedule will look like in the winter. I need you to sign off on these as soon as possible because registration for next term is coming up quickly.”

  I glanced down at the papers on my desk and had to do a double take. “Seven classes?” I asked in shock. “You can’t be serious.”

  “You’re the most qualified to teach astronomy,” he said.

  “So then I won’t have time to work on my research at all,” I said.

  “That’s what nights and weekends are for.”

  “Are you going to read and grade essays for me then?” Six months ago, I never would have spoken to my boss that way, but I was furious.

  “This is what’s called paying your dues, Isla. Everything’s come easy to you because of your intelligence, but you’re on an even playing field now, so you’ll have to work harder and sacrifice more to get ahead.”

  I stared at him and a thousand things raced through my mind. Including telling him to go fuck himself and quitting. I wouldn’t do that to my students this deep into the semester, though, plus I’d never been impulsive that way. It was the first time in my life I’d thought about it, though.

  “While I’ll do what’s best for the students, I’ve been teaching here for four years. Why on earth would I start paying dues now, versus when I first started?” I truly wanted an answer to this question and I waited patiently for him to give me one.

  “You were a shining star and we knew other universities were recruiting you, so we made our offer attractive. Now that you’re settled, you’ll have to fight for perks like choosing your own schedule and teaching fewer classes.”

  “Fight how? Do you suggest fisticuffs with the other lecturers? Or perhaps I should bring you coffee each morning? Shine your shoes? Is this what the world of academia has come to?” I didn’t know what was wrong with me, but I couldn’t seem to stop talking and I was growing more furious by the moment.

  His eyes narrowed slightly. “You should watch your tone, Dr. Campbell.”

  “What will you do? Fire me?” I actually laughed. “Please do. It would make my life so much easier.”

  Our eyes met and amazingly, he backed down first. “Of course I’m not going to fire you. You’re one of the best lecturers we have. I’m sorry if I’ve upset you. I didn’t mean it that way. Tensions are a bit high this time of the semester. Anyway, please sign off on the classes and get them to my assistant by tomorrow.”

  He turned and hurried out before I could respond, and I stared after him in confusion. What the hell had just happened and why was I suddenly considering walking away from my job? It had to be at least partially because of how much I missed Dax, but there was more to it. There had to be.

  I longed to call my twin, but he was probably asleep now and I didn’t want to wake him. Besides, I didn’t know what to say. I could always talk to Mum, but she didn’t understand. She had a college degree, but she’d never worked and had never wanted to. All she’d ever wanted was to love my father, take care of their home, and be a mother. I wanted some of those things, like loving Dax, but I had no interest in managing a home, and being a mother felt like something that was still far in the future.

 

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