Nowhere Left to Run, page 16
“Okay.”
We had a new nanny starting on Wednesday. She would work Wednesday through Sunday since those were the busiest days at the hotel and casino, and she’d have Mondays and Tuesdays off. We were on the hunt for a part-time sitter to help out when we had to travel or on days like today when a bunch of different things came up. In the interim, I was enjoying being a father, even though it took getting used to. I’d never thought about the minute-by-minute needs of a baby, like when they cried or needed to be entertained. Most of the time it was a lot of fun, but she got fussy around nap time and those were the times I didn’t know what to do.
Liz said it was instinct, that we’d figure it out because no one got a manual with new babies and parents eventually got the hang of it. We were in a unique situation, of course, since we hadn’t been planning to have a baby and we weren’t truly a couple. Sure, we were married, and worked and lived together, but the intimacy that should have come with marriage was missing. By the time I’d asked Casey to marry me, we practically read each other’s minds. That wasn’t the case with Liz even though I considered her a good friend.
As I rocked Leni to sleep, I wondered how long before I couldn’t stand the lack of intimacy anymore and turned to my wife. Even though she wasn’t the woman I wanted or the woman I loved. I liked her, though, and she was certainly beautiful enough. I would never admit it out loud, but I was lonely. I’d never truly been alone in my life. Not only had I always had my parents and family, Sandor had been my constant companion and I’d always had friends at school and university. I’d lost all of that when I’d essentially staged my death. It hadn’t been intentional, but at the time it seemed like the best course of action. I just hadn’t considered how fucking hard it was going to be to live with.
“Hey, is she asleep?”
I looked up as Liz peeked in.
“Yes.” I put Leni in her crib and we softly closed the door behind us. “What’s going on?”
“Ace is here with an update from Limaj. I have things I have to handle at the hotel that I can’t get away from, so I have to go, and you can update me later. Ace is on his way up here.”
“Okay. I’ll see you later.” I squeezed her arm as I brushed past her and she gave me a warm smile.
* * *
I shook Ace’s hand as we settled in our living room. We’d created a suite of rooms to be our home and though it was small, it was cozy and we liked it. We’d need more room now that we had Leni, but a contractor was coming next week with plans.
“Anwar is way off his rocker,” Ace said, sinking down across from me. “He’s split the country in half, north and south, instituting Sharia law in the south and martial law in the north.
“Sharia…” I shook my head. “But the south is more than fifty percent Orthodox. The Muslim contingent is small, on the southeastern tip that borders the middle east.”
“I know.” Ace looked frustrated. “There’s rioting in the streets, the police have been overrun and he’s called in the military to get it under control.”
“Jesus.” I hated feeling helpless and it pissed me off that it was happening at all. That was my country, with my people, and their lives were being severely impacted. And not in a good way.
“I had a message from Jesper that the anti-rebellion is getting stronger, with more and more people joining each day. It’s been slow because they’re trying to vet everyone as best they can so they can’t count on word of mouth, but numbers are growing.”
“That’s good.”
“I’ve been learning the language so I can communicate better when I’m there. I’d like to practice with you when we’re together.”
“Sure.” I nodded.
“Probably best right now if you talk and I answer in English, until my pronunciation gets better.”
“That works for me.”
We talked for a while, me in my native language, him in English. He understood me pretty well as long as I didn’t speak too quickly, and though he didn’t say much, I had a feeling he spoke better than he let on. Syntax was a little tricky but as a CIA operative who already spoke six languages fluently, I had no doubt he’d catch on.
When Leni started to whimper from her room, I realized it had been more than two hours and went to get her. By the time I changed her and brought her out to the living area, Liz was back and making lunch.
“Looks like I’m going to Vegas,” Liz said as I joined her and Ace in our makeshift kitchen.
“What? Why?” I put Leni in her high chair.
“My parents announced they were coming to meet their new granddaughter and son-in-law and the only way for me to prevent that was for me to go there. Except once we started talking, she said everyone was going to want to meet the new baby so we’re all going to Vegas instead.”
“What are you going to tell them about me?” I asked worriedly.
“You’re coming too.” She grinned. “Unfortunately, on the morning we leave, the CIA is going to call you back to D.C. on urgent business.” She gave a helpless little shrug. “That’s life in the agency.”
I chuckled. “They’re going to want to see pictures.”
She held up her phone. “There are some blurry ones on here, as well as a few of you kissing Leni. With your new buzz cut and beard, and all the photos with sunglasses, it’ll be fine. Once they get their hands on Leni, they’ll forget all about you.”
“Thanks.” I laughed. “I think.”
“So you’ll be in charge while I’m gone. We need to go over the schedules and security plans…” She mindlessly listed all the things she normally took care of and I nodded, unsure whether this was a good or bad thing.
“We have to come up with my life story,” I said finally. “They’re going to grill you within an inch of your life.”
She looked up, uncertainty in her eyes for the first time. “I know.”
“We’ve got this,” I said gently, even though I reservations as well. “It’ll be okay.”
24
Casey
* * *
The news that my father probably only had a year left to live had shocked me to my core. Neither of my parents had told me anything so grim, and I didn’t mention it to them either, but it was always on my mind. I made time for him every single day, whether it was breakfast together or going to the studio or just hanging out after dinner while he played with Luke and Sasha. He’d taken to being a grandfather like he was born to it and I wondered if he knew more than he let on about how limited his time was. He probably did, but always trying to protect me, he would never say a word.
Chemo had ended and he seemed to be feeling better, though a lot weaker than he’d ever been, and I had an idea. There was something I’d been wanting to do for a while and taking the family on vacation might be a way to get it out of my system.
“I’m thinking about renting a house in Crete,” I told my parents at dinner that night. “It’s right on the ocean but it has a pool and it’s just a few minutes from town so we can go out or cook, whatever we like. There’s plenty to occupy the kids and there’s a good hospital in Chania, which isn’t that far, just in case.”
“Sounds awesome,” Dad said, grinning at me over his coffee cup. “I love Greece and your mom and I haven’t been in years.”
“I contacted the owners and they said it’s free the second week of June. Does that work?”
“I’m done with chemo and right now I’m just taking it easy,” Dad said. “Let’s do it.”
“I’ll book the flights,” Mom said. “Is Sandor coming with us?”
“Sandor goes where I go,” I said wryly, giving him a wink.
“How far is Greece?” Sasha asked.
“It’s a long flight,” I admitted.
She asked a hundred questions and I patiently answered all of them as I sat on my laptop and booked our vacation.
* * *
The house was just as I remembered it, and I blinked back tears as we settled in. I gave my parents the master bedroom because they needed space and somewhere Dad could rest comfortably, and I took a room with a double bed and a balcony. Sasha and Luke had the room with bunk beds and announced it was better than their rooms at home. Marisol took a small room next to theirs with a nice view, and Sandor was in an alcove on the ground floor with a sofa bed, which he thought was safest because he would be aware if anyone tried to get in.
I wasn’t worried about any of it. We all had some semblance of privacy, I had help with the kids, and the ocean was calling my name. I slept fitfully our first night there and was up early the next morning, meeting my mother in the kitchen. I’d had the basics delivered ahead of time so we would have food for breakfast this morning, but she and I would need to go shopping today to stock up on things we wanted.
“It’s beautiful,” she told me as she made scrambled eggs for everyone.
“The time we spent here was the best of our relationship,” I told her. She knew I’d come here with Erik.
“You sure the memories aren’t too much?” she asked softly.
“Oh, they are, but that’s why I’m here. To say goodbye.”
She nodded. “Hopefully, it will be cathartic for you.”
“It’s hard,” I whispered, not wanting Sasha to hear me. “I tried so hard to find those kinds of feelings for Nick, but…”
“It was too soon,” she said. “It’s going to take time.”
I put bread in the broiler of the oven to make toast since the kitchen didn’t have a toaster. “He’s been gone three years this month and I haven’t had sex in almost four.”
Mom grimaced. “That’s very sad. For more reasons than one.”
I smiled. “I agree. It’s just the thought of…” My voice trailed off as Sandor came in, followed by my dad.
“What’s the plan today?” Dad asked, leaning over to kiss my mother’s shoulder and the tops of both kids’ heads.
“We’re going to have breakfast and then Mom and I are going to walk into town to buy groceries.”
“And me,” Sandor reminded me.
I stuck my tongue out at him. “Yes, sir.”
He stuck his out back, which was the most shocking thing of all. He’d always been so prim and proper with Erik, but he was suddenly full of piss and vinegar these days and I kind of liked it.
“Do I have to separate you two?” Mom asked, putting plates of eggs down in front of the kids.
“Most likely,” Dad laughed.
I buttered the toast and everyone dug in. It wasn’t a very Greek meal, but we had plenty of time for that.
* * *
After breakfast, Mom, Sandor and I walked to town. I spied the music shop where I’d bought that acoustic guitar I’d had while we were here last time and I made a detour in that direction.
“Give me a minute,” I said, entering the shop. “Hello? Yassou?” Yassou was hello in Greek.
“Kalimera!” Good morning.
“Hi, Antonis.” I gave the owner a smile and his eyes widened.
“Casey! You have returned.” He hurried toward me and gave me a hug. “Welcome. You have come for guitar?”
“You still have it?” I asked in surprise. I’d signed it and given it back to him, hoping he’d be able to sell it for a little more money with my signature on it.
“Is special. I no sell.” He went in the back and came back with it, holding it out. “How long you stay in Crete?”
“Two weeks.”
“You play, then you bring back to Antonis.”
“Thank you,” I said softly. “I should pay you something.
“No. You play. You enjoy. Maybe bring Antonis some gelato one day when is very hot.”
I nodded. “Deal. Efharisto.” Thank you.
“Parakalo.” You’re welcome.
* * *
That night I serenaded everyone on the back patio by the pool. It brought back so many beautiful memories even Sandor was affected. I could tell by the way he wouldn’t look at me, staring out at the sea as the sun dipped lower and lower on the horizon. I played everything from the fun Greek songs we’d sung last time to a few of my hits. Then I played “Nowhere Left to Fall.”
My father hummed along with me, singing harmony during the chorus since he’d heard it before, and my mother wiped tears from her eyes.
“Casey, that’s…incredible,” she whispered.
“You just broke my heart,” Marisol said, fanning her face as though that would help her teary eyes. “Goodness, I hope I can buy that somewhere.”
“I haven’t recorded it,” I admitted.
“You have to,” Mom said firmly. “It’s the most beautiful ballad I’ve heard in ages.”
“It’s fantastic, honey,” Dad said. “You can’t keep this one to yourself. Let the world share the gift of your talent.”
“This is my pain, my grief over losing Erik,” I said quietly. “I don’t know if I can share that.”
“There are going to be a million people around the world who’ve lost someone that are going to find comfort in those words, in the music, in the beauty of your talent,” Dad said. “Not only will it be healing for you, it could help others. I think Erik would like that.”
I breathed in deeply, staring out at the waves crashing onto the sand. Would he like that? Yeah, knowing Erik, he would like anything that helped others. That’s who he was and even in death, it would mean something to him that I made a difference in the world because of him. I didn’t know if my songs, or this one in particular, impacted people that way, but I’d like to think they did.
“Jayson could sing the hell out of this,” I said at last.
“Oh, he definitely could,” Dad agreed. “This should be the single we record for the label.”
“Will you produce?”
“Of course. Do you have a band?”
“I have three-quarters of a band,” I laughed. “Me, Jayson, and Tyler Thompson. I’m looking for the right drummer.”
“What about Declan James?” Dad asked. “I haven’t met him, but he submitted a song to me a few months ago, asked about me producing it for his band. The song itself was horrible, but he’s got a real Tommy Lee vibe with a dash of John Bonham.”
I nodded. “I’ll check him out.” I was a big fan of Motley Crüe’s Tommy Lee and of course, Led Zeppelin’s John Bonham was legendary.
We talked music for a while until Marisol took Luke to bed and my mom took Sasha in to help her bathe and wash her hair. Sandor was moody and quiet and Dad had picked up the guitar to doodle a little.
“Do you miss music, Dad?” I asked softly.
He smiled. “I’ve played since I was fifteen. Met the other guys when I was eighteen and we went on tour right after that. We made it big a few years later and toured for nearly twenty-five years. Like I told you before, I’ve lived a full, exciting life. I miss playing, but I don’t miss touring, and even if I did, I don’t have the energy anymore. I want to spend what time I have left with you, your mom, the grandkids, and my friends.”
“Daddy, I can’t think about you not being here anymore.”
“I know. I’m kinda having some trouble with it myself. But all I can do is what the doctors tell me, and fight until I can’t anymore.” He reached for my hand and I squeezed it.
“I’m so tired of death,” I whispered.
“I know, honey. I hate that I’m adding to your pain.”
“You’re gonna fight this, right?”
“You bet your ass. I have grandkids I want to watch grow up.”
I smiled. “I love you, Dad.”
“Love you too, kiddo.”
I gathered up our glasses and dessert dishes, bringing them inside as I fought conflicting emotions. So much had happened and fate wasn’t done with me yet. I wondered if it would ever be.
25
Casey
* * *
The two weeks in Crete were as relaxing as they’d been when I’d been here with Erik. It was different this time, but it still made me happy, and though I missed him, I was ready to move on. Maybe not deep down in my soul, but personally and professionally I had to because mourning hurt too much. I couldn’t bring him back, and suffering like this wouldn’t help anyone. Least of all my children.
On our final morning in Crete, I got out of bed early and texted Sandor that I was going down to the beach. I knew he would wake up immediately when I texted, so I wasn’t worried about being on my own. I felt as comfortable here now as I always had, and the Greeks in the area acted like they knew me but didn’t care that I was a rock star or slutty jilted bride or anything else. They gave sweets to the kids when we walked around town, flirted with my mother when she shopped or lay on the beach, and asked my dad for autographs the night we’d gone to a popular restaurant for dinner. It felt like a home away from home and I had a feeling this would be a regular vacation place for me. It had too many memories to ever give it up.
Now that our time here was over, I had one last thing I needed to do and I padded down to the beach in cut-off shorts and bare feet. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and found a picture of Erik and me, taken right here at this spot. The quality wasn’t great but there was so much love and laughter in our eyes. He was looking down at me and I was looking up at him as if he’d hung the moon. It was the sappiest picture we’d ever taken, but we’d been so happy.
I blinked away tears and sank onto the damp sand, resting my phone beside me.
“Hey, babe,” I said softly, staring out at the water. The beach was deserted since it wasn’t even seven in the morning yet, and there wasn’t another soul anywhere in either direction. The water was calm, as flat as glass this morning, and I could almost picture his face as I stared out at the horizon.
“It’s been a great two weeks here in Crete. Antonis let me use the guitar and the kids loved the beach. Mom relaxed, which she needed, and Dad seemed like himself most of the time. It’s been the best family vacation I’ve ever taken. I missed you, though. It would’ve been so much better if you were here. Well, I guess everything would be better if you were still here. I miss you so much, Erik. Too much. I have to say goodbye, though, you know? I’ll always love you, but it hurts being without you. I don’t know if I’ll ever love anyone else, but I have to try. It wouldn’t be fair to the kids for me to become a lonely old cat lady or something.” I snickered, wiping a stray tear with the back of my hand. “Damn, this is hard. I don’t want to say goodbye, but I have to. I love you, Erik. Always. Goodbye, my love.” I blew a kiss towards the sea and then deleted that picture off my phone, letting tears slip down unchecked.
