A Tale of Nine, page 4
“Good question.” Makai cast about for paper and pen, neither of which he found within reach. Normally he took to recounting the day’s events in his journal as he lay in bed. It was how he ended his days, reliving the seconds and minutes that brought a smile to his face, or giving voice, in a manner of speaking, to the worries that threatened to plague his sleep if he didn’t set them free. “Hold on, I’ll be right back.”
Makai was on his feet and heading toward the kitchen before Nolan uttered a reply. Sure, he could have grabbed his journal from the bedside drawer, but there were passages contained within that he’d rather Nolan never saw or even knew about. The voiced doubts would remain just so, tucked away until the time was right, or forever, depending on how things played out. For now, it was all about this night and the beginning of a new chapter between them.
In a drawer next to the fridge Makai found a pad of paper, the one he used to make up his shopping list, and beneath it amongst random junk lay a pen. He was about to bring the items to Nolan, when he remembered something he’d tossed into the drawer back when he moved in. Makai began to root around. Outside the wind howled.
“Good grief,” he heard Nolan mutter.
Makai’s fingers seized around the small object he’d been searching for, closed the drawer, and returned to his beloved.
“Is this weather ever going to let up?”
Makai shifted his glance to the window. Night had fallen hours ago, the world outside lit by a lone streetlight, revealing the driving precipitation that may have been rain, could have been sleet, it was hard to tell. Trees in the glowing circle danced under the touch of the wind.
A smile tugged at the corners of Makai’s mouth. “What a pity. I guess this means you’ll have to stay the night. I can’t have you going off in this crap, anything could happen.”
Mischief danced in Nolan’s eyes. “Hmm, now there’s an invitation I won’t turn down. Let’s say we hurry up with this and seal the deal in a different way?”
“Excellent idea.”
Settling back amongst the blankets and pillows—who needed to retire to the bedroom when right here would do just fine—Makai passed over the pen and paper.
“I think this one should be written by you.”
Nolan looked at him wide eyed. “Me? I wouldn’t even know where to begin.”
“Write what’s in here,” Makai suggested, placing his hand momentarily on Nolan’s chest. “Just close your eyes and let it all rush out. The heart never lies.”
“I like that. The heart never lies. What a lovely sentiment.” He brought pen tip to paper. “Okay, let’s see what my heart has to say.”
Makai allowed himself to be lulled by the crackle of the fire, the whine of the wind, and the scratch of pen against paper. With his eyes closed he saw nights like this stretched out before him, especially with the chill of winter knocking at the door. Just the two of them, cozy by the fire, enjoying each other’s company. And yet, underneath it all there remained a hum of unease, one that whispered negatively to him about all the ways this could go wrong, how it could end their relationship instead of furthering it.
How did the old saying go?
You don’t truly know someone until you live with them.
What if there are annoying habits he has or vice versa, Makai pondered. Would he be able to overcome them and focus on loving every aspect of Nolan, every little thing that made him the person he was? Why did he constantly feel the need to overthink things when he should be basking in this moment, letting it wash over and through him, and bring him a sense of calm? Nolan loved him, what else mattered?
“There, it’s done,” Nolan declared. “Or at least I think it is, will you read it?”
“Do you want me to?”
“Yes. Though you gifted it to me, this book is as much yours as it is mine. This,” he said, running his hand down the page, “is a beautiful way to celebrate us. I wish I was a hopeless romantic like you and thought of things like this, it’s an amazing gesture. And I want to keep adding to it. Together.”
“I like the sound of that.”
Nolan frowned, his brow furrowing. “The only problem I see is what do we add to the page? All the others have decorations, what does this one get?”
Makai unfurled his fingers to reveal a scratched, worn silver key. “I believe it belonged to the original owner. It’s been in the junk drawer for years and for some reason, every time I go to toss it, I just drop it back into the drawer. I have, of course, changed the locks so it doesn’t work, but I think the symbolism is enough.”
“Yes,” Nolan agreed. With a piece of tape from the roll Makai withdrew from his pocket, another token from the junk drawer, Nolan taped the key to the page. He followed suit with the piece of written upon paper. “I still feel like it needs a little something else. The page looks blank compared to the others.”
“We can add the label from the wine bottle,” suggested Makai with a shrug.
“Okay.”
“So?” prompted Makai. “Are you going to read to me what you wrote?”
Nolan sucked in his bottom lip, averting his gaze. He closed the book, keeping track of the page with his hand, holding it close to his chest. A heartbeat ago he wanted Makai to read it, now it was like he wanted to keep it a secret, or as though he regretted his choice of words. What could be written on the page? Curiosity burned in Makai, but he promised to let it slide if Nolan preferred; in his eyes some secrets were okay.
“You can keep it private if you want.”
The suggestion earned him a slow head shake. Nolan held out the scrapbook, open to his entry. “Promise me you’ll read it with an open mind. You said to write what’s in my heart and this is what came out, for better or for worse.” He passed over the book, whispering under his breath. “And I hope it’s for the better.”
As Makai took the book, he tried to chase away the sickening touch of unease. Before Nolan, he walked through his relationships with untouched confidence, one hundred percent completely sure of himself and his ability to handle whatever direction the path took him. If they went their separate ways, then yes, there would be pain, but he’d accept the outcome. With Nolan he experienced a sense of fear, worried how much his heart would break if Nolan bid him farewell. For him that cemented things, it said a great deal about how he felt in regards to their love.
“I promise to read it with an open mind,” Makai assured Nolan.
He lay the book in his lap, bracing himself for what waited.
Chapter 8
September 19th, 2018
Today…I’m not entirely sure what to say so I’m going to take the advice of someone I trust and just let my heart do the talking. Whatever comes out on the page will be a reflection of my inner most thoughts, the truth in my heart laid bare. Here goes nothing.
Today, on my way to Makai’s for our date, I nearly turned around. Again. This anxiety that comes over me every time I’m about to see him, I’m afraid it’s going to win and wind up ruining something I’ve come to cherish. At this point, I’m honestly surprised he hasn’t caught on, or maybe he’s being nice and choosing to stay quiet.
By the time I see him, after we hug, it all fades away. Disappears, and I have no words to explain what’s happening. I suppose he brings me peace. It could be I’m reading the anxiety all wrong, who knows.
The events tonight have played out the same way.
Once he opened the door and I stepped over the threshold I sighed, the tension eased from my body. It’s truly the strangest thing.
Dinner, of course, was perfect. It’s always perfect. Every single second with Makai is absolutely wonderful. We talk about everything under the sun and instead of heated disagreements, we discuss facts and opinions, and he gets me thinking. Even if the conversation ends, the silences are comfortable and comfortable silences are underrated.
Still, tonight I could tell something was bothering him, something weighing on his mind and distracting him from us. Was he feeling his own anxiety? Was he planning to break up with me?
I let myself be swept up in the romance of Michael Bublé on the radio, the snap and pop of the fire, sitting across from the man I adore.
Then he gave me the greatest gift. This amazing book filled with all our important dates, all these little thoughts he never shared until now, and I’m awestruck. This man is well, perfect. (You’ll have to forgive my limited vocabulary, my brain is muddled, filled with all this warm fuzziness). But this book, this thing I will forever cherish, was just the appetizer. There was to be a second gift.
Now this is where I will once again be open and honest.
When Makai presented me with the black box my heart nearly stopped. He told me he had a big question to ask and instantly I worried, is this a ring? Have we reached that stage in our relationship? Am I ready? What do I say? All this uncertainty, this fear, the anxiety, it blurred the world around me until all I saw was the box.
Turning down a marriage proposal would cost me this great man, but faking my readiness would be even worse. I want us to always be honest, open, to feel the space between us is always safe, judgment free, and maybe that’s why I find myself writing these words. I know I’ll have Makai read this and I want him to see, to know, to hopefully understand.
He has given me a key, and I guess in a way it’s like the key to his heart because he asked me to share his space with him. To move in. I’m elated. To wake by his side every morning, is there any better way to start the day? To be around him, happy in his mere presence.
I have found my place.
I have found my man.
My heart couldn’t be happier.
I embrace this new chapter of our relationship.
And maybe, when the time is right, there will be a ring.
Chapter 9
Nolan waited anxiously, fiddling with the edge of a blanket, wondering if the words he wrote would abruptly end their relationship or be the beginning of a fight. The seconds stretched into minutes and the minutes seemed to go on for hours. At about the point where Nolan began to worry he might pass out from his own fretting, Makai closed the cover and set the book aside.
Here it comes, he thought. Here comes the breakup.
Makai scooted around until he was facing Nolan directly. He held out his hands. He hesitated, then followed suit, turning to face this man he loved with every fiber of his being, and allowed Makai to take hold of his hands. Their eyes met. He swallowed the pump forming in his throat, the one threatening to choke him. Was he sweating? Was his heart going to beat a hole right through his ribcage?
“I’m sorry,” Nolan blurted. Tears began to well in his eyes.
“Whatever for?”
“The things I said, for doubting this, for mentally freaking out.”
Makai didn’t answer right away, ratcheting Nolan’s anxiety up another notch. “My love, the emotions expressed on that page are pure and straight from your heart,” he started, massaging the back of Nolan’s left hand with his thumb, moving it in little circles. “So what if you have your doubts about marriage? Nolan, look at me, I’m in my forties and this is the first relationship I’ve told another I love them. And you said it yourself, I was a basket of nerves this entire evening, because I was worried you’d turn me down. Afraid you might think me too old for a serious relationship.”
“Never!” exclaimed Nolan, his mouth hanging open. “I mean, that’s absurd.”
Makai shrugged. “Maybe. But we all have our doubts, Nolan, that’s what I’m trying to say. I have mine, it happens. It doesn’t mean I love you any less or vice versa. To me, it simply means we’re scared of losing something we view as precious.”
Nolan found he could only nod. A tear slipped free. Makai was quick to wipe it away.
“I love you, Nolan Argois, and nothing is ever going to change that. I love that you feel comfortable enough to be open with me, to share such deep, meaningful thoughts. And I think we can make a promise.”
“To?”
“Love each other the best we know how and to always be there, like you said, in this safe space we make for each other.”
“I promise, with all my heart.”
“Me, too, I promise.”
“So, we’re really going to do this, move in together?”
Makai nodded. “Yeah, we are.”
“I can’t wait, how exciting.”
“And a little scary, at least for me.”
“Me, too.”
“But we shall navigate these new waters together.”
“Exactly,” Nolan agreed. He could already hear the jokes from his friends, but let them say what they wanted, let them be jealous of the love he’d found and wanted so desperately to hold onto. The world could be cold and cruel, and the sort of love he’d found with Makai was rare and true. They cracked funnies out of jealousy, he decided, wishing for what he managed to find. “I’m so happy I commented on the book you were reading. You might not have noticed me otherwise and we wouldn’t be here now.”
“Oh, Nolan, you were on my radar as soon as you entered the café.”
“I’m going to love you until I take my final breath,” he said, surprised by the conviction in his own voice, realizing it to be true.
“And I shall do the same.”
They kissed, warmth spreading through Makai’s body. There was a flutter in his stomach, a sensation he’d grown to love.
When it ended, Nolan smiled. “So…how about we seal the deal, if you know what I mean.”
“Let’s,” Makai agreed. He was quick to his feet, offering his hand to help Nolan, who took it gratefully. “How about I put out the fire and you ditch the plates in the sink?”
“Sounds like a plan.”
They moved to complete their individual tasks. Nolan scrapped the leftover cheesecake into the trash and rinsed the plates, leaving them in the sink with the wine glasses. The work was quick and mundane, but it made him smile. This was now going to be his kitchen and he saw many more nights like this very one in their future. He could hardly wait.
They met at the entrance to the hall. Makai took his hand. “Come on,” he said, “Let’s retire to our bedroom.”
The night felt late when they stepped into the room, Nolan’s gaze going directly toward the alarm clock: 9:49 P.M.
He smiled.
Nine, what a lucky number.
THE END
ABOUT KASSANDRA LEA
Kassandra Lea lives in WI where she enjoys the bitter winters with long hours of writing. She shares her living space with a cast of four-legged critters, her mom, and a friendly ghost.
ABOUT JMS BOOKS LLC
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Kassandra Lea, A Tale of Nine
