Sweet Angel, page 12
part #5 of Commitment Series
Skylar's eyes grew wide. "No!" she wailed.
"Then, honey, please cooperate. They need to do this to help you feel better, okay, love?" Cat asked.
Skylar had no choice but to cooperate, however, she clung to Cat, crying hysterically during the entire procedure. Cat's heart was both breaking for the child, and unreasonably angry with Billie for leaving her to deal with the situation alone. In her hurt and sorrowful state, she had forgotten that it was she who urged Billie to leave the room during the procedure.
By the time the procedure was over, and the technicians had left, Cat was a total wreck. Tears were flowing down her cheeks, as she held the sobbing child in her arms, rocking her back and forth, trying to soothe her fears. Skylar was crying over and over that she wanted to go home. In was in this state that Jen found her when she entered the room.
Approaching the chair, Jen knelt on the floor next to her and placed her hand on Cat's arm. Cat looked at her and allowed all the sorrow, hurt, anger and heartbreak to show in her eyes. Without saying a word, Jen opened her arms and took both Cat and Skylar into them. Cat sobbed violently as Jen held them, rocking back and forth ever so gently.
Finally, the sobbing stopped as Cat repeatedly caught her breath in hiccupping gulps. Skylar had fallen asleep in her mother's arms while being rocked by Jen. Cat pulled her head off Jen's shoulder and looked at her friend.
"Let me have her, Cat. I'll put her to bed," Jen said, lifting the small child out of Cat's arms. Cat sat there in a daze as she watched her friend tuck her sleeping daughter into the hospital bed.
"Cat, what is this tube coming out of Skylar's chest?" Jen asked.
"It's called a Hickman catheter. It allows the chemo drugs to be administered without repeated injections," she said distractedly. "It will also make it easier for them to give her medications for nausea and fluids for hydration."
"Good idea," Jen said as she finished tucking the blankets around the child. Returning to Cat, she once again knelt on the floor and placed her arm around her friend's shoulder. "Wanna talk about it?" she asked.
Cat rose to her feet and walked to the window. Jen followed, wrapping her arms around her friend's waist from behind and pulling her in close. Cat let her head fall back to rest on Jen's shoulder. "Jen, I'm so afraid," she said. "If she dies...," Cat was too choked up to continue.
Jen kissed the side of Cat's head. "She won't die, Cat. We won't let her. She is getting the best medical help available. She'll make it, my friend. I know she will. Look, she's got you, Billie, the kids, and the rest of your friends and family rooting for her. She can't help but make it," she finished.
Cat took a deep shuddering breath. "You think so?" she asked.
"I know so," Jen replied determinedly.
CHAPTER 10
Skylar's chemotherapy treatments started later that evening after dinner, with the injection of four drugs into the implanted catheter. Cat and Billie stood by. Billie wrapped herself around Cat as they watched the technician administer the drugs. Dr. Berry sat on the edge of the bed next to Skylar as they all waited to see if there would be any immediate adverse effects from the treatment. Skylar was looking at a comic book that had been brought in from the nursery, nearly oblivious to the worried and strained expressions around her.
Dr. Berry motioned for Cat and Billie to meet her at the other end of the room by the window.
"How long before we know if she's tolerating the treatment?" Cat asked.
"It varies from person to person, Cat. We'll have to keep an eye on her to see," Dr. Berry explained.
"Maybe she won't have any side effects," Billie said hopefully.
Dr. Berry took a deep breath. "That's possible, of course, but not very probable. At the very least, all her blood cell counts will drop dramatically as the chemo drugs take effect. This will put her at high risk for anemia, infection and bleeding, but as you know, in order to kill the cancer cells, the healthy cells have to go as well. If the treatment works, the healthy cells will multiply and repopulate in a couple of weeks, but the cancer cells won't," she explained.
"Mommy," Skylar whined as all eyes turned to her. "My belly hurts."
Before any of them could reach her, or the container on the nightstand, Skylar vomited all over herself and the bed. Seeing the mess she had made, she started to cry as more spasms wracked her small body.
Cat and Billie reached her at the same time. Skylar immediately climbed into Billie's arms, but continued to retch into the container that Cat was now holding under her chin. Before she was done, she'd managed to soil Billie's clothing as well as her own. Billie lifted Skylar into her arms and brought her over to the chair, holding her trembling body close as the interns came in to change the soiled sheets.
Dr. Berry retrieved a basin of warm water and a cloth and handed them to Cat who proceeded to clean Skylar up and dress her in a clean hospital gown as she sat in Billie's lap. Cat then took the sick child from Billie and lay on the bed with her, wrapping her in her arms as Billie did her best to clean the vomit off her own clothing.
"Cat, I need to go home and change. Is there anything you'd like me to bring back?" Billie asked.
Cat reached her hand out to Billie, who took it and brought it to her lips. "Just yourself, love," she answered.
Billie kissed Cat gently then repeated the gesture on her daughter. "I'll be back soon, sweet pea. Is there anything you want from home?" she asked.
"Petey," replied Skylar, referring to the worn out, beat up teddy bear whose fur she had effectively loved off.
Billie smiled and kissed the child again. "Okay, love bug. I won't forget. I'll bet Petey would love to sleep with you here. I'll be back soon," she finished before placing one more kiss on Cat's forehead, then heading out into the hall.
Dr. Berry caught her before she headed to the elevator. "Billie," she said. "Why don't you have your other two children put together a care package for Sky, you know, a collection of her favorite books and toys, and maybe they can make her get well cards to bring back and hang in her room. She's going to be here for a couple of weeks at the very least. She'll be more comfortable surrounded by some of her personal things," Dr. Berry finished.
Billie smiled. "That's a good idea, Alexis. Thanks." Turning, she was soon on her way home.
* * *
When Billie arrived home she was greeted by two children very eager to see how their little sister was. As habit dictated, Tara ran and threw herself into Billie's arms the minute she saw her, that is, until she realized what was all over her mother's clothing.
"Ewwwww, let me down, quick!" Tara exclaimed as she scrambled out of Billie's arms as fast as she could.
"Sorry, squirt. Your sister threw up on me. That's why I'm home. I need to change my clothes and pick up a few things," Billie explained.
"Is Sky gonna be all right, Mom?" Seth asked.
Billie caressed the side of her son's face. "I sure hope so, sweetie." Then, remembering what Dr. Berry had suggested, she said, "Look, Dr. Berry thought it might be a good idea for you two to put together a care package for your sister. You should include some of her favorite toys and games, stuffed animals...you know the things she likes to play with. Oh, and if you hurry, you have time to jump on the computer and make a couple of get well cards for her while I get out of these smelly clothes and take a shower, okay?" Billie said.
The kids were off in a shot, racing to see who would make their card first.
Billie turned to head for the stairs and encountered her mother in the doorway to the living room. "Laurel," she said.
An awkward pause permeated the room.
"Laurel, I want to thank you for staying with Seth and Tara. We didn't realize when we took Skylar to her appointment this morning that they would admit her today. We really appreciate it," Billie said.
"Billie, look at me," Laurel said.
Billie hesitated at first, but finally met her mother's eyes.
"Billie, I know you have every reason in the world to be angry with me. I know I denied you a real mother, a real family, but please let me make that up to you now. I want to help you. Please don't thank me for trying to fit into your life and the lives of my grandchildren," Laurel finished.
Billie just looked down at the floor and nodded her head. Meeting Laurel's eyes again, she said, "Look, I have to take a shower. I need to get back to the hospital. I'm not sure what time I'll be home tonight."
Laurel took Billie by the shoulders. "Billie, I said let me help. It doesn't matter what time you come home, or even if you come home. I will be here with Seth and Tara. I won't leave until you tell me to, okay?" she said.
"And what about Jim, Laurel? Won't your husband object to you spending so much time with your gay daughter?" Billie asked, venom lacing her voice.
Laurel sighed deeply. "Billie, I won't allow Jim, or you, to force me to choose between you. There is room in my life for both of you. If you can't accept each other, then that's just too bad. I'm not asking you to accept Jim, nor for Jim to accept you. All I am asking is for you to accept me," Laurel stated.
Billie locked eyes with her mother for several moments then said, "I have to go shower. Excuse me." Brushing past her, Billie headed for the stairs.
* * *
When Billie arrived back at the hospital, she found Skylar asleep in Cat's arms, both of them curled up on the bed. Cat was stroking Skylar's red-gold hair, remnants of tears evident on both their faces. Their eyes met as Billie entered the room.
"Hi," she said.
"Hi, yourself," Cat replied.
Billie approached the bed and kissed Cat gently on the cheek, prompting Cat to roll onto her back and pull Billie down for more. Several kisses later, Billie sat on the edge of the bed and rubbed her hand up and down Cat's arm.
"You look beat. How were things while I was gone?" Billie asked.
"She just barely fell asleep. The poor baby threw up for another hour after you left," Cat said, new tears springing to her eyes as she relayed the events. "She's so weak, Billie. If she continues to throw up everything she eats, I'm afraid they'll have to feed her intravenously."
Billie sighed, having no words to comfort her wife, as she felt no comfort of her own. Instead, she looked at the child sleeping peacefully beside Cat and allowed a rush of sorrow to wash over her. She brushed a stray lock of hair from Skylar's face and watched a small smile cross the little girl's face as the gesture ticked her skin.
"She looks like an angel," Billie observed.
Cat choked up with emotion as she brought her hand to her mouth to stifle a sob. "God willing, she doesn't become one," Cat said softly, causing a sob to catch in Billie's throat as well as she nodded her head in agreement.
Remembering the bag she had brought from home, Billie fished Petey out of it and placed him under one of Skylar's arms. Leaning down, she kissed her daughter affectionately then climbed in behind Cat, spooning her frame behind her wife and wrapping her arms around both her girls. Cat snuggled into Billie, eliminating any space between them.
"Billie, tell me we'll get through this intact," Cat said pleadingly.
"We'll get through this, love. We will. All of us. I just know it," Billie said, kissing the back of Cat's head. "Sleep now, Cat. Tomorrow will be another long day."
Soon, all three were sleeping soundly in the hospital's biggest bed.
* * *
Billie had intended to go home that night to be with Seth and Tara; however, knowing they were being cared for by Laurel, she decided to stay with Cat as she anticipated the difficult night her youngest child would put in.
Skylar tossed and turned all night, alternating between sweating profusely with fever, to vomiting what little remained in her stomach from dinner the night before. Billie and Cat slept very little after their initial nap, spending most of the night trying to convince Skylar to drink water or juice to rehydrate her depleted system. A great deal of crying was done by all three; Cat and Billie during the short periods when Skylar did sleep, not wanting to cry in front of their daughter.
Knowing the night would be long, the ladies took turns sleeping when Skylar slept, tending to her when she woke crying or vomiting, and watched over her through the night. When morning came, all three were exhausted.
Dr. Berry said as much when she came in bright and early to check on Skylar while she was eating breakfast.
"You two look like hell," she said, looking back and forth between the two ladies. "Don't tell me you both stayed with her last night," she said in a voice that indicated she already knew the answer. Looking at two guilty faces, she added, "Remind me to talk to you two about this later." Then, turning her attention to Skylar, she picked the child up, cradling her in her arms and said, "Didn't sleep very good last night, huh, pumpkin?"
Skylar shook her head, a pathetic look on her face.
Dr. Berry felt Sky's feverish forehead and frowned. "Still feverish, kiddo. I'm going to order some children's chewables for you to take it down, then we'll need to give you more medicine for the leukemia, okay?" she said to Skylar.
Skylar's bottom lip started to quiver. "I don't wanna throw up no more," she whined, looking at Billie who was leaning with her backside against the windowsill. "Mommy, do I have ta?" she asked.
Billie closed her eyes and sighed. Opening them again, she saw all three of the room's occupants looking at her. Cat and Dr. Berry were warning her with their eyes to say the right thing, while Skylar looked at her hopefully.
Damn it, she thought to herself. Why do I have to be the one to break her heart?
Looking at Skylar, she said, "Sweetheart, if Dr. Berry says you need the medicine to make you feel better then you have to do it. I'm sorry, love." Billie was fighting the tears in her own eyes that matched the ones that were now escaping Skylar's.
"But Mommy, I don't feel better when I throw up. It hurts my belly," she cried.
"I'm sorry, baby, but you have to," Billie said again, feeling lower than the belly of a snake.
Skylar lowered her chin to her chest and pouted, crossing her arms in front of her and refusing to look at any of the adults.
Billie usually found this behavior in her daughter amusing, since it reminded her so much of Cat when she pouted, but today she didn't feel like smiling. Looking over at Cat, she saw that her wife too was struggling with the image, biting her lip to prevent the tears. Billie opened her arms to Cat as they watched the technician administer another dose of chemo drugs to their daughter through the catheter. Cat buried her face in Billie's shirt, not wanting to see the hurt in her daughter's eyes for their betrayal.
Again, they watched her for several minutes, ready to react to the vomiting they were sure was to come, only to be surprised when she lay down and drifted off to sleep rather than lose what she had eaten for breakfast.
Dr. Berry took this opportunity to talk to Cat and Billie. Motioning for them to sit on the edge of Skylar's bed, she sat opposite them in a chair and crossed her arms.
Billie placed an arm around Cat in a symbolic attempt to protect her from the tongue-lashing they both knew was coming.
"First, let me say that if both of you insist on staying with her at night, neither of you will make it through the first week. The best scenario would be for one of you to take the day shift, and the other the night shift while sleeping on the shift you're not here. At the very least, take turns so that each of you has every other night off to get some sleep."
Pausing to see how the ladies were taking the lecture, she saw a look of rebellion on Billie's face that she knew she had to address.
"Billie, I'm serious. Skylar will be depending on both of you to be strong for her. You will not be able to support her and help her recover if you are ill yourself."
Knowing Dr. Berry was right, Billie lowered her chin to her chest and nodded in submission.
Dr. Berry rose to her feet and paced back and forth in front of the ladies as she continued.
"Now, I told you earlier that we found traces of abnormal cells in Skylar's cerebrospinal fluid, and that we would have to do a Central Nervous System Prophylaxis. I'd like to do that today, preferably as soon as she wakes up. Administering the drug as soon as possible after the dose she just received will allow the side effects to happen all at once, giving her some relief later in the day," Dr. Berry finished, continuing to pace.
After watching the doctor pace back and forth several times, Billie spoke. "Alexis, what is it you're not telling us?" she asked, sensing Dr. Berry's hesitation to continue.
Dr. Berry stopped and looked at the anxious expectation on the ladies' faces. "We need to implant another catheter between two vertebrae in her spine to tap directly into the cerebrospinal fluid. Based on her behavior when the first catheter was inserted, I fully expect her to resist, so I'm nervous about doing this procedure without putting her under anesthesia," Dr. Berry explained. "I would hate to see her thrashing about while we were tapping into her spine," she added.
Cat could feel Billie tense behind her. Turning around in her wife's arms, Cat reached up and placed two fingers on Billie's mouth to silence the tirade she knew was coming. Billie looked down at her, a frown etched into her brow.
Cat turned back to Dr. Berry. "I agree. We can't have Skylar thrashing about during the implant, however," she paused to get Dr. Berry's full attention, "I'll agree only if you allow me to administer the anesthesia myself," she declared.
Dr. Berry looked at her long and hard for several moments, struggling with the medical ethics involved in this decision. Finally, she spoke. "All right, Cat, I'll agree to that."
Cat smiled as Billie visibly relaxed behind her. "Let's do it then," Cat said.
* * *
Allowing Cat to administer the anesthesia turned out to be a blessing in disguise. Cat's presence, hovering closely over her daughter, proved to have a calming effect on the little girl, who went quickly and quietly under sedation. With Skylar under anesthesia, insertion of the spinal catheter went smoothly. Cat sat at the head of the operating table, keeping close tabs on her daughter's vital signs as she administered the anesthesia. A short time later, Skylar was returned to her bed and a dose of chemo drugs injected into the spinal catheter. Again, they waited and watched for adverse effects. They didn't have to wait long.
