Patchwork to Healing, page 16
“Sorry about that. I’m feeling better now. Just knowing he’s being taken care of helps.”
“You have nothing to be sorry about. I’m just glad you’re okay.”
Emily stopped at the hospital’s emergency room doors. “Should I wait for you? Never mind, that’s silly, I’m sure you’ll want to stay awhile. I’ll—um—just head back and finish things up at Proposals. Why don’t you just call me when you’re all set to leave, and I’ll come back and pick you up?”
Rebecca knew she could be here late into the night, and it would be out of the way for Emily to go home and then come all the way back.
“Thanks, but I’ll figure something out. Like you said, I could be here most of the night.” Rebecca patted Emily on the leg.
“Call if you need anything. Anything at all.”
“I should—um…”
“Yes! Go! Get in there,” Emily said with a wave of her hand. “Rebecca, I will say a prayer for him.”
“That would be great, Emily. Thanks.”
Rebecca entered the Emergency room. The sterile environment sent her reeling, and an instant ache pierced her flesh. She took a seat to catch her composure before approaching the check-in desk. She explained that Ben had no family, and that she was the closest to a sister he had. After she was done; they were kind enough to allow her entry.
The large U-shaped nurse’s station was straight ahead. A robust nurse with a tight bun, wearing light blue scrubs, stood at a rolling computer. Claire? Is that Claire? Rebecca’s chest grew tight, and she couldn’t find her breath. Claire had been one of the nurses in the burn unit. She’d been rough and relentless. It hurt so much. She could almost smell her flesh as it was scrubbed to remove her dead skin. She could see the tiny scissors in Claire’s thick fingers as she snipped at the remaining pieces of flesh that hadn’t come off.
Rebecca was lightheaded, and the room started to spin. The piercing sounds of beeps, pumps, and the cadence of the atmosphere were at a near crescendo. I need to get out of here. I can’t be here.
Rebecca placed her hand on the hallway wall to steady herself, and took a few jagged breaths, then she ran toward the exit. Everything was whirling, as if she were drunk, and she couldn’t find her footing, until she came to an abrupt stop and smooshed into the chest of a robust nurse. Her startled eyes stared back at hers. “You’re not Claire.”
“No, Lovey. I’m Grace. Are you alright?”
“I’m sorry—I, well, I’m here to see my friend, and I…”
Grace’s eyes were kind, and for a moment, she thought she was looking into Mrs. Getchel’s thoughtful gaze.
“What’s your friend’s name, Lovey?”
“Benjamin Daly.”
“Come with me,” she said as she gave her a sideways squeeze.
Rebecca and Grace walked through the corridor of the emergency floor. Moans and cries drifted as they walked past closed curtains. Number twelve, thirteen. There, number seventeen.
“Here we go.” Grace said. She gave Rebecca’s shoulder a tender touch. “You just let me know if you need anything.”
“Thank you, Grace.”
The curtain was open, but the bed that Ben was supposed to occupy wasn’t there; the room was empty.
Rebecca frantically turned to locate Grace, but the nurse was no longer in view. She walked toward the nurse’s station. Staff moved behind the partitions, and sounds grew louder in her head. Stop it. I’m okay. She remembered seeing the nurses and doctors scurrying about as she lay in her own hospital bed. I’m okay. She took a few deep breaths, then approached the counter.
Her voice shook as she asked one nurse where Ben was. A young guy, wearing green scrubs, tapped his keyboard for what seemed like an eternity.
“Oh, here we go,” he said with enthusiasm. “He’s having some tests done and should be back before too long.” His lips went tight and shook his head. “That’s unless they needed to take him in to surgery. But you can go ahead and wait in his room until they get back, if you’d like.”
Surgery! At those words, she no longer thought of her own pain of the past. He hit his head. Rebecca remembered him lying unconscious, but she didn’t remember any blood. Oh my God! Did I break his neck? She was fully in the here and now, and Ben was the one in pain.
Rebecca floated back to the sterile empty room and sat in the metal-legged plastic chair in the corner. She bowed her head and prayed, hoping this time God would answer her prayers.
Chapter 25
Ben lay still as they slid him into the MRI machine. It wasn’t bad enough that they had strapped him down so he couldn’t move, but now he was encased. He recalled the same panicky feeling when he’d scuba dived for the first time.
His team was pumped up on a picture-perfect day for training. They’d done their prior training for scuba, but now they would venture in the depths of the ocean. Ben recalled thinking that going down fifteen feet was nothing. He’d been fine when he’d sat on the boat and going about the routine of strapping on his tank, mouthpiece, and goggles, but when he placed a weighted belt around his waist, his nerves had gotten the better of him. He’d be damned if he’d let it show.
When jumping into the water, adding weight to one’s waist goes against nature. Sure, he had his inflatable vest on, but he’d soon deflated that, and then he’d be at the mercy of his mouthpiece alone. Ben could inflate his vest again, if he got too shaken, but again, he’d never hear the end of it. So down he’d gone, lower and lower, hearing nothing but the sound of his own breathing, in and out, in and out. His apparatus and the water trapped him, and panic had washed over him.
Ben’s trainer had faced him as he sank deeper. His trainer’s eyes shone large behind his goggles. He’d given Ben an okay sign and then waited for an okay in response, indicating Ben was doing alright. Ben had hesitated. He wanted to say he wasn’t doing fine, but his shame outweighed his urge. Instead, he signaled the okay sign, and the instructor swam off. To his own amazement, the panic slowly subsided. Maybe it was the tranquility of the sea that overtook him, or maybe the sheer pleasure of moving through the water. Fish were plentiful, and the depths called to him. That dive made him realize he was born to dive.
Ben lay in the machine. He could hear loud clanking noises and feel vibrations. This wasn’t below the surface. He could breathe, shallowly, but he could breathe. He lay there, knowing he had a head injury. A head injury might mean he’d never be able to dive again. He’d seen it happen before while he served. As the clinking and clanking noises continued, his heart nearly beat out of his chest.
Who am I if I’m not a diver? It’s all I know—it’s all I’ve got. He had to believe that he’d be okay. Becky needed him.
Chapter 26
Rebecca sat idly in the chair beside Ben’s hospital bed, waiting for him. She’d already called Emily to let her know she hadn’t seen Ben. She wished she’d brought headphones or something that could drown out the hospital noises.
An emergency room was where she’d accepted the fact that her parents were dead. She remembered shaking from her trauma, but she still had the ability to scream for them through the pain of her blistering raw flesh. She didn’t want to believe it—she couldn’t believe their deaths were real. The more she screamed, the more she thrashed. The more she thrashed, the more she’d added to the damage of her body, and the more pain she’d endure, until she passed out.
The next thing she knew, she’d woken up to learn that her parents were already in their final resting place, and she hadn’t had the chance to say goodbye. She recalled wondering where that place even was because her parents never talked about such things. Thinking they were alone, buried under the cold ground, had scared her. She’d tried to imagine what had been said about them, who would have been there, and if anyone thought to give her mom flowers.
Rebecca closed her eyes, rocked back and forth in her hard plastic chair, and stuffed down her sorrow.
Voices down the hall got louder. It’s Benjamin, I hear Ben. Wheels squeaked as they got closer. Ben was coming, and she’d learn his fate. She swallowed hard and, on shaky legs, stood to meet them.
The nurse and an orderly were all business as Rebecca shifted out of the way so they could connect him to all the monitors. There were so many cords. He was no longer wearing the neck brace the EMTs had placed on him, and wasn’t strapped down. She breathed a sigh of relief. Ben was right there in front of her; they hadn’t needed to take him into surgery. With this revelation, she could stop holding her breath. No surgery.
Rebecca approached him, but his eyes were mere slits, and he’d drifted off to sleep. She gasped as she observed the grotesque swelling around his forehead and temple. Tears burned in her eyes.
Rebecca sat back down to collect herself and to not pass out.
“Ma’am, are you okay?” asked the attending nurse.
“Yes, I—ah, I guess I just never expected him to look so awful,” Rebecca whispered, hoping Ben wouldn’t overhear her.
“Not to worry, hon. He’ll be back to being handsome as ever in no time. You wait and see,” she said with a warm smile and a tender touch, reminding her of Grace.
The nurse informed her Ben was receiving medication to help prevent additional swelling, but warned, if the swelling continued, they may have to do a Ventriculostomy, which Rebecca learned, was a surgically cut small hole in his skull and a plastic drain tube to help relieve the pressure.
She pulled her chair closer to Ben and held his hand. To think she’d been jubilant when he’d said he’d gone diving, something he’d always enjoyed. He’d been a hero, and now this.
“Benjamin, I’m so sorry,” she whispered as tears fell down her cheeks. “This is all my fault.”
She breathed in and closed her eyes, reliving what had happened. If I hadn’t hurt my stupid toe, he wouldn’t have had to pick me up from work. I should have let him have his fun. It was innocent play. I can see that now.
Rebecca caressed his arm. “You were so happy, and I carried on like a lunatic. I caused you to stumble. I’m so, so sorry, Benjamin.”
She couldn’t escape the torment that was building inside her. She was better off alone. It was safer that way. Rebecca wiped her tears away and vowed to not allow anyone to get close again because all she did was create harm. And seeing loved ones hurt was just too painful.
Rebecca gave his hand a squeeze, kissed him on the forehead, and pushed away. Waiting for Emily to pick her up would take too much time. She wanted to leave now. She’d find Ben’s keys, then all she’d need to do was walk to Proposals. She could take his car home for now. Rebecca searched through his bag of belongings and found the keys in his jacket. She placed them in her coat pocket and slipped out the door. Next, she left Emily a voicemail to let her know she was all set and that she’d see her in the morning.
Rebecca needed the fresh air; she needed to breathe. She walked, not caring how long it would take for her to reach Ben’s car. She didn’t care that the temperatures were near freezing, that she awkwardly limped in her tattered slippers, that her foot ached, or that her toe throbbed. All she knew was that she deserved the discomfort—this pain. After all, she thought, Ben was suffering more than she was, all thanks to her.
***
Several weeks passed since Ben was rushed to the hospital, and the ache of knowing he was still there paralyzed Rebecca from performing her day-to-day activities. Christmas had come and gone without fanfare. She’d been grateful for the distractions of making holiday centerpieces and various other bouquets of red ribbons, bobbles, pine, and candles. The busier she was, the easier it was to keep Ben out of her mind.
Now, she restlessly tried to focus on work, but try as she may, all she could think about was Ben lying in the hospital.
She’d been proud of herself when she thought she was getting over her growing phobia of hospitals. She’d checked in on him every evening. He’d been unconscious, and wasn’t aware of her at his bedside. Even so, she was there.
She could only imagine the anger he’d feel, knowing that he most likely wouldn’t be able to dive again, and the thought of seeing him in such agony, over that realization, was too much, especially knowing he lay there because of her.
Rebecca’s thoughts continued to weave in and out as she wrapped the thin green wire around the floral stems she’d collected. She recalled all the medical wires that were attached to his body, and the buzzing and beeping that played over and over like a record skipping. The sounds wouldn’t stop and made her pulse quicken. He’d seemed peaceful, lying there, but her insides had roiled. Her body screamed at the thought she could have lost him, too.
Rebecca was at his side when they’d whisked him off for emergency surgery. She could no longer keep up the charade of bravery. Rebecca feared the worst, and it brought her to her knees.
It took all she had to pull herself together while waiting to see if he would live or die.
Once she learned he’d gotten through the surgery, she’d walked away.
Rebecca thought it was the right thing to do for both of them. She couldn’t bear to be there when he learned of his fate. He’d blame her, and rightly so. He’d resent her, and that was just too much for her to take. After all, his career would be over because of her, and so she thought it best to stay away. The last thing she wanted was to cause him more pain.
She placed her now finished floral arrangement in the refrigerator while Sophie and Emily prepared the barn for an upcoming wedding. She was relieved when they said they were nearly done and let her know she didn’t need to stay.
Her car was all warmed up, and she was eager to get back to her apartment. It had been too long since she’d been able to sit down and work on her quilting. She’d made a commitment to herself to finish a couple more quilts before the end of the year, and time was running out. Just a bit more stitching and she’d meet her commitment to herself.
As she drove toward the village, she expected Mrs. Getchel’s home would be dark, just as it had every day since Ben’s head injury. It beckoned her and begged for light and life to fill its rooms once again. Rebecca shook off the ache that lay heavy on her chest. She and Ben should have been making progress on their plans together. They’d had such hope and promise in making the place a sanctuary, but now, with what happened to Ben, all she could bring herself to do was to adhere to the trustee’s timeline. She provided some filled-out forms for the town planning department and historical society. Otherwise, she’d put everything else on a shelf, as her heart wasn’t in it without him.
As Rebecca rounded the corner, she had to look twice. Mrs. Getchel’s house lights blazed. She tapped on the brakes and slowed to a near stop. Ben’s car was parked in front of the garage. Her heart skipped a beat, and her scarf grew itchy around her neck. What are you doing there? She couldn’t wrap her head around how Ben could be there. Rebecca calculated the time from when he went into the hospital to now, and from what she’d learned online, he could be in recovery at home by now.
After her earlier thinking, she was kicking herself for not having been at his side. What was I thinking? She felt horrible that she’d left him alone when he needed her, especially after he’d taken such good care of her.
She lay her head on the steering-wheel, gripping it tight. I’m a terrible person. A terribly selfish person.
A horn blared behind her, startling her. She flicked on her blinker and turned into the drive, not knowing what to do next. Minutes ticked by as she sat idle, then she put the car into drive to go home.
Thoughts of Ben, doing who knew what, in that big old house by himself, left her feeling guilty, and before she knew it, she pulled over to the side of the road.
“Suck it up, Beck!” she shouted. “Just get over your damned self and face him. You owe him that much.”
But how do I face him now, after what I’ve done?
Now that she had to face him, she realized that her behavior was unforgivable. She took a few deep breaths to gain the courage to see him and his anger. If she didn’t do it now, she never would because as time got further away, so would he.
I should have at least called him. Again, she slammed her fist on the steering wheel. Rebecca Mills, you are a full-fledged idiot.
The stunt she’d pulled would have alienated him, but she’d done it for the right reason: to spare him. He was safer without her in his life, but how she handled it was wrong. She could almost hear Mrs. Getchel giving her holy grief at not having nursed him back to health. Rebecca tried to push her reprimand from her mind. After all, she doubted Mrs. Getchel had ever been in her shoes. She’d probably never had to face losing her family because of her own selfishness. Mrs. Getchel would understand Rebecca’s position if she were alive for Rebecca to tell her about it. Still, she was curious about what Ben could possibly be up to in the house.
Rebecca’s heart raced as she backed out into the road and made a U-turn. As she approached the house, the lights were out, but she hoped Ben’s car might still be there. Her heart sank, knowing that she’d missed him. She missed him, that much she knew for sure, but that was her selfishness acting up again.
Rebecca pulled into the driveway and slid out of her seat. The wind had picked up, and a bitter edge to the night slapped at her face as she made her way to the front porch. She unlocked the door and stepped inside. The house felt warm. Heating it was costing her a fortune, and she’d made it a point to keep the thermostat low. Rebecca sighed before she flicked on the light, then checked the thermostat. She smiled, knowing he’d turned it back down before he left.
Rebecca pivoted her head from side to side to see what he might have done and noticed nothing unusual until she turned back toward the door. The piano stood along the living room wall, just ahead to her right. The keyboard lid stood open and, resting on the keys, lay an envelope.
