The Right Player: A Sports Romance, page 20
“I never meant to hurt her.”
He nodded. “I know. But you did.”
I swallowed down the truth in those words like acid.
I promised I’d never hurt her, but I did.
“Thanks for your help.”
Zach tapped the doors where he held them before stepping out completely. “Good luck.”
My heart thumped in my ears like a drum when the elevator reached Belle’s floor, and I stepped out into the hallway in a sort of haze, something between a nightmare and a drunken stupor. My feet felt sluggish and heavy, the adrenaline fading.
And then I was at her door.
I knocked without hesitation, shifting my weight from side to side as I waited, and then the door opened, slowly at first and then in a whoosh, and Belle stood there on the other side of it looking like absolute hell.
Her eyes were bloodshot, puffy and swollen, morphing her face into something barely recognizable. Auburn hair sat in a pile on top of her head, falling out of the hair tie that tried to wrangle it, and she looked so small in the oversized sweatpants and t-shirt she had on. Her little nose was pink, too, and she sniffed, shaking her head with those blue-green eyes glaring at me like I was evil embodied.
“You’ve got a lot of balls showing up here.”
“Belle, I can explain.”
“You can explain that you lied to me? For months? Literally from the first day I met you?” She shook her head, eyes trailing over me like a bug she was about to smash with her heel. “No, thanks. I figured that out all on my own.”
She went to slam the door, but I stopped it with my palm, stepping my sneaker against it for good measure. “Please, Belle. Just hear me out.”
“What could you possibly have to say right now?” She thrust her hands out, mouth open as if to hammer home the point that I was an idiot for thinking there was any explanation that would undo the pain I’d already caused. “You lied to me, Makoa. You’ve been hiding this… this huge part of who you are, telling me you’re in fucking real estate?” She scoffed, shaking her head.
“I didn’t mean for it to go this far.”
“No? Just how far did you plan for it to go?”
I shook my head, desperation fizzing in my bloodstream like bubbles. “I was going to tell you. Many times before, but every time it just didn’t feel right. But tonight, I was absolutely going to tell you — no matter what.”
“Guess I beat you to it.”
She tried to close the door again, but I pushed against it.
“Belle, just… let me inside. For five minutes. Please?”
She inhaled a hot breath, blowing it out with a wave of her hands as she abandoned me at the door and walked inside. I followed her, gesturing for her to sit on her couch but she denied me, standing with her arms crossed, instead.
Everything inside me longed to hold her. I knew if I could just get her in my arms, if she could feel the way my heart beat only for her, if she could see the sincerity in my eyes when I told her I never meant to hurt her — this would all go away.
But one look at her from across the room told me there wasn’t a shot in hell that I was getting close to her right now.
Here goes nothing.
“I have a complicated record with women,” I started, knowing there really was no perfect way to say everything I needed to. “When I was younger, every girl I tried to give my heart to stuck me firmly in the friend zone. I was too goofy looking, too sweet, too nice. They all wanted men who treated them like they didn’t matter, and I didn’t have it in me to do that.”
I thought I saw Belle’s eyes soften just marginally, but it happened so fast I couldn’t be sure I’d actually seen it at all.
“By the time I got to college, I’d been burned so many times that I just said screw it. I focused everything on football. It was all I did. I ate, slept, and breathed it. It was absolute devotion, the same kind I wanted to give to a woman, but never had the chance to.” I swallowed. “Until Kelly.”
God, just saying her name made my jaw tense.
“Kelly was drop-dead gorgeous, a volleyball player at UH on a scholarship. She was far out of my league in every way possible, but for some reason, when I graduated from college, she started paying attention to me. We went on a few dates and I… well, I was a virgin up until that point, but with her, it finally felt right. We were together several months, and I thought everything was perfect.” I smiled, though it was far from joy I was feeling. “Until I took her to dinner with my teammates on the 49ers and she said, in front of everyone, that the rock I get her better be bigger than the other ones at that table.”
Belle frowned.
“It doesn’t seem like much, but it was the first clue that tipped me off. From there, I paid closer attention, and saw every sign I didn’t see before — like how she always wanted to go out — on my dime, and how she always asked me to buy her an outfit to go out, and she was always pushing me to spend my signing bonus to get a hot new car or take her on a vacation or whatever else. I mean, she was part of the reason I didn’t invest in my apartment in San Francisco. We were always out and going, and there was no time to sit at home, so why bother making it nice?”
I shook my head, running my hand over my jaw.
“Anyway, she was the first of a string of girls just like that. There was Zariah, who had me fooled until she started hinting at the fact that she wanted plastic surgery and a good boyfriend would buy it for her. And the final straw was Lucia, who straight up looked me in the face and asked me how it worked.”
“How what worked?” Belle asked.
“The whole sugar daddy thing.”
Belle blew out a sigh. “Jesus.”
“Yeah.” I chewed my lip, looking out at the city, the last bits of sunlight casting its glow. “All I’ve ever wanted was to be someone’s person. I wanted to give them all of me and get all of them in return. But first, I was too nice, always the friend and never the boyfriend. Then, I was nothing but a piece of meat with dollar signs attached to it. So, when I moved here, all I was looking for was a chance to start over. A new chapter, a place where no one knew me and I could be whoever I wanted to be.” I laughed. “I mean, I literally prayed for a girl who wouldn’t have a clue who I was.”
“And then you walked into my office.”
I swallowed. “And then I walked into your office. And I just… here was everything I’d asked for. You had no idea about me or my past or my possible future. You hate football. And I just thought, I’ll keep it to myself for now, get to know her better, and once I know she’s not playing some kind of game… then I’ll tell her the truth. I just… I worried that maybe I was being stupid again, that I was walking into some kind of trap. The way you were so eager to come back to my place, and those first couple of dates…”
“I’m just a girl with a healthy sexual appetite.”
I couldn’t help but smile at that. “Well, I know that now.”
Belle didn’t join in my smile, but sighed instead, crossing her arms even tighter as her gaze turned to the windows. She shook her head, thinking for a long moment before her eyes found mine. “I’m really sorry all that happened to you. It breaks my heart to know the way you were used like that.” She paused, rolling her lips together. “But it doesn’t make it fair to lie to me. You should have given me more credit than that, especially after those first few dates. I mean, did I ever take advantage of you or give you any indication that I gave a fuck about your money or what you did for a living?”
“No,” I answered quickly. “You didn’t. And I was going to tell you. But then you ghosted me.”
She held up one finger. “That’s not fair. Don’t blame this on me.”
“I’m not, I’m just saying that I was going to tell you, but then you disappeared, and then that night at the bar when we set things straight, you told me everything about Nathan and…” I threw my hands up. “Here’s this guy who lied to you, broke your trust, ruined your outlook on love forever. And he played football?” I shook my head. “Belle, I was trying to convince you that I was everything he wasn’t, that I would never do that to you. So, how could I then immediately tell you—”
“I would have understood!” She threw her own hands out at me in return. “Makoa, if you would have told me then, it would have been mutual. And that’s the difference between us. In that moment, I opened up to you. I was the most vulnerable I’ve ever been with a man. I showed you my scars and made the choice to take a risk and give you a chance. But you?” She shook her head, her eyes glossing over. “You chose to lie to me. You chose to take that vulnerability I gave you and convince yourself that you were an exception, that the pain you’d cause me wouldn’t count because, what? Your intentions were pure?”
I opened my mouth to respond, but she held up a hand to silence me.
“You’ve been hurt. I get it. I mean, if anyone gets it, it’s me. But I showed you that pain. You hid yours. I mean, Jesus, Makoa,” she said, swiping a loose tear away angrily. “You lied to me so easily.”
Her voice broke on that last sentence, along with my heart, and I tried to reach for her but she tore away.
“If you could lie about this, you could lie about anything. Don’t you see? I think that’s what hurts the most. That’s the biggest issue here.” Her eyes teared up so fast she couldn’t do anything to control the streams that escaped on her next blink. “Before this, I never thought it possible for you to lie to me… but now… I don’t trust you anymore.”
My chest ached, and I suffered a hot breath before trying to plead my case again. “Belle, please, I—”
“And you clearly don’t trust me either.”
I frowned. “What? No,” I argued, rushing to her. I held her arms in my hands, thankful she didn’t pull away but wishing she’d uncross her arms and let me in. Instead, she looked out the window, like she could never truly look at me again. “I do trust you. With everything that I am.”
“Clearly, you don’t. Or you would have trusted me not to hurt you the way those other girls did.”
Another zing of desperation flew through me. “I’m sorry. I wish I could take it all back and do it differently.”
“But you can’t,” she finished for me, her eyes finding mine. “And how in the world are two people this fucked up ever supposed to make it?”
“Maybe that’s exactly it,” I tried. “We’re meant for each other.”
Belle scoffed, shaking her head and turning away from me as more tears slipped free. “I want you to go.”
“Belle, no, please, just listen to me, give me another chance, I swear—”
She ripped away from my grasp, holding up her hand. “Stop. Just stop, Makoa. There’s nothing more you can say to change my mind and this,” she added, waving her hand between us with a sardonic laugh. “All of this is a waste of time.”
I swallowed. “You don’t mean that.”
“Yes,” she said, and this time, her gaze met mine, steady and sure. “I think I really do. Now, please, just leave so I can pick up the pieces of the mess you made.”
They were the final crack to my heart, those words, and I felt them split open inside my chest. I was bleeding out as I turned, feet heavily carrying me toward her door. It didn’t feel real. It didn’t feel like this could possibly be happening, like this could really be the end.
I stopped when I had her door open, gripping the edge of it when I turned to face her once more. “You told me the other night that you were falling in love with me.”
She squeezed her eyes shut at that, releasing another flood of tears before she turned her back on me so I couldn’t see her face anymore.
“Well, I am in love with you. I’ve known it for a while now, and this, tonight, it doesn’t change the way I feel. I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry I lied. But I promise you this, it was never my intention to cause you pain, and if you give me the chance, I will never hurt you again. I will earn every ounce of your trust back and I will prove to you that my word is good.”
Belle’s shoulders shook with sobs, and all I wanted was to run to her, but I knew it was the last thing she wanted.
And so, I said my final words. If they were the last I’d ever have with her, I knew I’d never regret them.
“I love you, Belle. So, if you love me, too, then please forgive me. Forgive me, and don’t walk away from this. From us. We are meant for each other. I think we both stumbled on this dark and twisted road for so long so that when we found each other, we’d know. We’d know this is it. We’d know all of the pain was worth it.”
I fought back my own urge to cry, nose flaring with the effort, and then I left her with my last attempt.
“Why else live if not for love?”
She stood ramrod straight in the center of her condo, back to me, not giving me a single clue that she’d even been listening.
So I left her, the sound of the door shutting behind me like that of a jail cell locking me into the new hell I’d created. It was my own doing, and I had to serve the time.
I’d said all I could say.
The rest was up to her.
Makoa
Gerald yelled hike!, and I took off, every muscle in my legs engaged in a sprint down field. I ran ten yards before I cut right, looking over my shoulder for the ball. It was a perfect spiral throw from Gerald, and I reached up for it, muscle memory taking over.
Except the ball tipped my fingers, bobbling between my hands before I dropped it altogether.
“Damn it!” I cursed, threading my hands on top of my helmet as I watched the defensive teammates in the practice scrimmage celebrating. I didn’t miss the way coach shook his head, muttering something to the staff member next to him before he blew the whistle and told us to line up again.
Gerald slapped my helmet when we were back in the huddle. “Come on, man. Get focused.”
I nodded, blowing out a frustrated breath before he made the next call and we clapped for break. I positioned myself on the line, closing my eyes for a brief second to center myself.
Hike!
I took off again, this time running a curl route that had me juking the defensive player on my tail before I made a dash back toward the center field. Gerald launched the ball, and once again, it was a perfect pass.
A perfect pass that I missed.
The ball slipped through my fingers like my gloves were coated in butter, and I growled, picking up the ball and launching it back down field before I thought better of it. It was bad enough to be having an off day, but to show out like that would only add fuel to the fire.
“Kumaka,” coach called, and he nodded to the bench, letting me know without a single word that I needed to sit out and cool off.
Gerald tapped my shoulder pads as I ran past. “It’s all good, bro. Shake it off.”
I flopped down on the bench, ripping my helmet off and letting it fall between my cleats on the ground. Someone handed me a Gatorade bottle with water, and I squirted some in my mouth, swishing it around before I spat it out and then took a real drink.
The longer I sat there, the more my muscles cooled and my breath evened out, the more disappointed I was with myself.
I was completely falling apart.
It was Thursday, four days since the night everything blew to hell.
And I hadn’t heard from Belle.
Not once.
I wished I could say it didn’t affect me. I wished I could say I’d been focused on football, on the upcoming away pre-season game against the Giants. I wished I could say I’d been able to focus on anything other than the fact that I’d lost the best woman I’d ever had.
But all of that would be a lie.
I’d been helpless since I walked out of her door that night.
I’d gone home to find my family still there, surprised to see me them I wouldn’t be back until the morning. When I told them what happened, they all consoled me, and having them there was a temporary relief for the burn.
But they left the next day, going back to Hawai’i, and once I was alone, it all sank in.
Monday’s practice wasn’t too bad. We mostly watched tapes and talked about plays that went wrong and ran drills. Tuesday was an off day, and yesterday, I’d managed to keep my shit together.
But today, I was a dumpster fire.
Coach called practice about a half hour later, and I kneeled around him along with the rest of the team, listening numbly as he explained what he’d seen, what was working, what could work better.
And he didn’t forget to remind us how important this next game was, to show what we had before the decision on who would be cut was made.
Gerald tried to talk to me after, but I waved him off, jogging into the locker room for a quick shower and change before I hopped in my car and fled the training facility.
As soon as I was out of the parking lot, I dialed Colby.
“Well, if it isn’t the future star wide receiver for Da Bears,” he greeted, making a deep, funny voice when he said the team name.
“Trust me, if I keep playing the way I did in practice today, I’d be lucky to even make it to the official cut date before they booted me.”
“Wait, what? You had a killer game Sunday,” Colby said, and I heard him tell someone in the background that he’d be right back. I assumed it was Cheyenne. “What happened?”
I sighed, hitting my blinker with more force than necessary as I waited at the light. “I fucked up and lost the best thing to ever happen to me, and now I can’t focus on anything but that.”
There was a short pause before Colby let out a sigh of his own. “She found out.”
“She was at the fucking game.”
“What?” Colby whistled. “Jesus, man. I thought you said she hated football.”
“She does,” I affirmed. “But her best friend is a huge Bears fan. She has season tickets and her fiancé couldn’t go to the first pre-season game. So…”
“So she took her best friend.”
“Yup.” The word popped on my lips, and I shook my head, stomach bottoming out like it had done all week whenever I thought about how Belle must have felt, sitting there with Gemma when she realized it was me on that field in front of her. “I went to her right after the game. I explained everything, man, but she didn’t want to hear it.”
