First Down: a sweet romance, page 9
“Yeah, sorry,” I gesture behind me with a thumb. “I ran into Cam, and we-”
My explanation is cut off as Casey throws herself towards me, arms sliding around my neck and her lips rushing for mine. I release an ‘oomph’ of surprise into her mouth as I catch her, arms reflexively wrapping around her waist to keep her from falling. My eyes are wide, almost panicked, as she pulls me somehow tighter and keeps pressing her lips against mine.
Her kiss tastes like liquor, and the sharp burn offends my nose as I press my lips closer together. Cold punch spills down my back as her mixed drink tilts out of her cup, and I grunt as I instinctively push my shoulders back in an attempt to get away from it. She adjusts the pressure as this moves me closer to her, tongue slipping out to trace my bottom lip, and I push back against her hips as I release her to the floor.
“Case,” I turn my head, flushing. “What are you doing?”
“Kissing my boyfriend, silly,” she grinned, walking her fingers up my chest.
“Yeah but there’s like, people around…” I glanced over my shoulder, at the empty spot where Camden used to stand. “You know I don’t like that.”
“I know,” she reaches up to sweep some hair behind my ear. “I know, I’m sorry, I know you’re shy. Dance with me?”
I start dancing again, but something feels different. Off. I try to focus on Casey, on the smooth way she rotates her hips and rubs close to me with that smile on her face. Her eyes are half-closed, like either she is imitating some movie she’s seen or I maybe need to call an ambulance… I can’t quite decide which. Probably the first. Where did Cam go? I try to be subtle as I look around the room since I know Casey doesn’t like it when I’m not keeping my attention on her. Especially at parties, when she’s had a drink and is riding high on the energy of her friends. The music slows and I respond on autopilot, shifting closer to Casey and dropping my hands to her waist as we sway.
When I look into her eyes, a slow smile spreads across her face. She blushes prettily, and I find myself wondering if she’d practiced this lip-biting soft-eyed thing she’s doing in the mirror. There’s no way that’s natural, or comfortable. Casey pulls up on her toes, hands drifting across my arms on their way to my shoulders, and I know what she wants. I lean forward, dropping a kiss on her lips, but this time I’m in control. I keep it light, pulling back after an appropriate time has passed. Her smile widens, and she tilts her head to the side.
“Come with me,” she breathes, so quiet I almost can’t hear her for the music.
She leads me through the house with confidence; Pepper and Casey have cheered together for years and I guess this isn’t her first time here. I blink when I find that we’ve entered a bedroom, a wide bed with a blue covering filling the entire space. Cold sweat forms on my brow, my throat going dry as I realize what she means.
“Case,” I swallow, freezing when I turn to find that she’s pulled her shirt over her head.
“Elliot,” she smiles proudly. “I talked to Pepper, no one stays in this room so it’s okay if we use it. I figured this might be better, since Beth is coming over tonight too.”
“Use it?” I squeak, then clear my throat. Swallow down the panic that lurks just below the surface. “For?”
“You know,” she looks meaningfully at the bed, reaching for me, frowning when I step back.
“Casey,” I shake my head. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
“Of course it is,” she says soothingly. “Just relax… we love each other, right?”
“Well yeah, sure we do, but…”
“And we’ve been together so long…” Casey slips a hand under my shirt, rubbing slowly upwards. “So what’s wrong?”
“I… don’t even have p-protection.”
“I do!” She says brightly. “I planned ahead, see?”
“Oh,” I swallow hard as I stare at the pink foil packet she’s just pulled from nowhere. “Wow, yeah…”
“So,” she drags her nails down my stomach, either not noticing or ignoring my wince as she trails her hands to my jeans.
“Casey!” I nearly yell as I shoot my hand down to catch her around the wrist, closing my eyes as I regret the sharpness of my voice. “No. I’m, I'm not ready. I said no.”
“But,” her face falls. “I don’t understand… we’re not at the house, no parents could walk in,” I stare at the ground as she lists off my excuses like she’s memorized them. “We’ve been together for two years, Elliot…”
“I’m not ready,” I squeeze my eyes more tightly shut. “That’s all.”
“Sometimes I feel like you don’t even think I’m attractive,”
I release her wrist as she takes a half-step back. The hurt edge to her voice kills me, and I open my eyes. I slowly drag them over her, taking in her toned arms and stomach, the pink lace bra she must have worn with this in mind. The jeans that hug her hips, and all the way back up to her loosely styled hair. She crosses her arms over herself, blushing, the beginnings of tears in her eyes as she faces my rejection.
What is wrong with me?
“You’re beautiful,” I nearly whisper. “Case, you’re such a beautiful girl.”
“But you don’t want to sleep with me.”
“No.” A flash of anger spikes in her eyes. “Not now,” I add quickly. “Not yet.” I shove my hands deep in my pockets. “I’m sorry.”
“I… Think you should maybe find a different place to stay the night,” she pulls her shirt on to cover her chest.
“Right,” I turn and twist the doorknob. “Sorry.”
My heart is beating like I’ve just run a mile, and it feels like I might throw up. There’s a hand around my lungs, squeezing so hard I can barely get a good breath. I wish I knew what to say to her, how to explain that I don’t know why I can’t take that step with her but I just… can’t.
I slip out of the room, close the door behind me, and quickly make my way down the hall. The tight feeling in my chest doesn’t go away as I look around, about to reach for my phone to call Cam when I notice him standing with his back to me in the kitchen. I cross and stand at his side, hands still firmly in my pockets.
“Can I go home with you?” I ask gruffly.
“Now?” He asks as he takes in my facial expression.
I nod, and without hesitation, he tosses his soda into the trash can and leads me out of the house and down the street to where he’s parked Glory. We drive in silence back to town as I take slow and even breaths. We’re nearly to our neighborhood before Cam finally speaks.
“So, you were supposed to stay the night with..?”
“Casey, yeah…” I rub my hands on my thighs. “Beth, too.” I frown as something occurs to me. “My clothes are still in her Jeep…”
“You can use mine,” he mutters almost sheepishly.
“Thanks.”
We resume our silence. Camden parks Glory and we slip into the house and up the stairs to his room, where he hands me boxers and a t-shirt from his dresser. I cross to the bathroom and change, blushing a little as I look in the mirror. Cam’s boxers hang low on my hips. His shirt drops too long on my slighter frame, loose and comfortable and smelling like Camden. Swallowing down the weird nerves in my stomach, I return to his bedroom where Cam sits up on the edge of the mattress. He looks at me and smiles slightly, surprising me by urging me to shut the door before leaning forward and grabbing a pillow to move to the bottom end of the bed.
“Looks good,” he says, a flush seeming to come to his cheeks before he turns to the wall. “Like, it fits well.”
“Thanks,” I cross and scoot under the blankets. “Cam, come up here with me.”
“Nah, it’s okay, I can sleep on this end,” he shakes his head.
“Camden.” I press as close to the wall as I can, making room for him. “You’re helping me out, you can’t sleep with my feet in your face.”
He resists for a beat, considering protesting, but turns instead to replace the pillow and join me under the blankets. We both shift to lay on our backs, staring up at the ceiling. I notice from the corner of my eye when Cam closes his eyes, but I know he isn’t asleep yet as I listen to his breathing. The warmth of his body is comforting, and I fight the urge to close that two-inch gap between us to seek more of it. I release a slow breath, relaxing into the pile of pillows that frames the top of the bed.
“Casey wants to have sex,” I finally say, breaking the silence.
“And you don’t want to.” He replies after a brief pause.
“No.” I feel lighter as I confess. “No, I don’t want to have sex with her. I feel like something’s wrong with me… There’s this really beautiful girl, and she’s my girlfriend, and she’s standing in front of me in this pink lacy bra and I just feel… Uncomfortable. That’s weird, right?”
“I don’t think it’s weird,” he smirks, eyes still closed. “I’d feel uncomfortable if your girlfriend took her shirt off and asked me to sleep with her, too.”
“Thanks,” a sharp laugh escapes. “Anyway… She feels like it’s time. And I just… Don’t.”
“I take it she was… Less than happy about that?”
“She was mad, embarrassed, probably.” I sigh. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me…”
“I don't think anything’s wrong with you.” We both watch the ceiling again. “I think that you aren’t ready to have sex with her, and she’s ready to have sex with you. There’s nothing wrong with either of you… But you shouldn’t do something just because someone else wants you to. I think… That when it feels right, you’ll know.”
“The worst part is, I’m not sure why it doesn’t feel right. It isn’t, like, I’m nervous exactly. I know her well, she’s a pretty girl, she’s one of my closest friends you know? But when she kisses me or touches me, I don’t feel like I think I’m supposed to feel.”
We lay there in comfortable silence, thinking.
I wish there was a class they taught you in school. ‘What it’s supposed to feel like when you’re ready to have sex’. Okay, so maybe that’s kind of excessive…But I’d settle for a special assembly. This isn’t something I’ve really talked with my parents about, we’re close and all but I have my limits. It just really seems like something isn’t right, like I should be feeling something I’m not when faced with the prospect of sleeping with my girlfriend.
“Maybe I’m secretly one of those alien people, switched with a human infant at birth, and I’m never going to want to have sex with anyone.” I muse after a while.
“I’d love you anyway.”
With that confident pronouncement, Cam’s eyes drift closed. I feel warm all over, a slow smile crawling across my face at his reply. Despite our best efforts he’s pressed along my left side, and his solid warmth is comforting. I close my eyes too, curling the blankets close to my chin as I settle in to fall asleep.
“I love you too, Cam.”
The next morning, I wake up in a fog. The bed is too soft, too many pillows surround my head, and it smells like… Camden. My eyes slowly blink open, and I remember that I am in his bed. Cam is leaning on an elbow, looking down at me, and raises a finger to his lips to indicate that we should keep our voices down.
“Morning,” I whisper, my voice gravelly with sleep.
“Good morning,” he grins as he whispers back. “We should probably get ready and head out, my dad doesn’t know you stayed the night.”
“Right,” I sit up and rub my eyes. “Okay, sounds good.”
We slip out of bed, and I grab the clothes I’d left on Cam’s dresser the night before. I pull his shirt off over my head and toss it towards his laundry basket, taking a second to stretch as I wake up. Then I shimmy out of the borrowed boxers, hearing a strangled cough from behind me as I reach for my jeans. I turn to look over my shoulder, seeing that Cam has turned his back as he gets ready, and barely hold in a laugh. We finish dressing and I ball up my used boxers in my hand, blushing and shifting slightly as we make our way down the stairs and out the front door undetected.
As Cam pulls his truck out of the driveway, I pull out my phone. No texts, no missed calls. I tap out a quick text.
Good morning. I’m sorry again about last night. I hope you have a great day.
I watch as the status turned to ‘read’, waiting for bubbles that never come to show Casey has anything to say back. Sighing, I slip the phone back into my pocket.
“It’ll all work out,” Cam says, staring straight ahead of us at the empty road with all of the concentration he can muster.
“I know,” I half smile. “Thanks for being here for me.”
“Elliot,” he says seriously. “I will always be here for you.”
“I know that, too.” I smile for real this time, punching him on the arm as we make our way to town for breakfast.
8
Casey doesn’t speak to me until Wednesday. To be fair, she didn’t actually speak to me on Wednesday either, but she sent a funny meme to me in a text message after the most disastrous English lesson presented by any substitute teacher, ever, so I figure we’re okay. I don’t mean to keep hurting her feelings, I feel like I’ve been the biggest idiot lately and keep doing things wrong. It’s like our signals just aren’t lining up these days… But it’ll come back together. Because if it doesn’t, what happens then?
Can I see you tonight?
I have practice, but we could eat something after?
Yea sounds good. I love you
Love you too
I make a fist around my phone in my left hand, clapping the right one over my knuckles as I blow out a slow breath. The other night was… Stressful. Casey’s one of my two best friends, and making her feel upset tore me up. But, I think the feeling I have when she’s pushing me to move things farther might be worse… It feels like we’re on different wavelengths lately. When we started dating, things were so easy. And now, they’re just… not.
The rest of the day creeps by, and I play a million conversations in my head as I think about what she might have to say. I imagine that I apologize, next accuse, maybe beg for forgiveness, then demand that she respect my boundaries and draw a line in the sand… But as we head into practice after school, I still feel totally unprepared. Cam keeps looking over at me, like he’s worried about me. I must be doing a pretty poor job of hiding my anxiety, but I just can’t quite seem to do anything differently.
It’s a no-pads practice, light contact only. As much as I would normally try to avoid being tackled, there’s something cathartic when Jeremy Brees jolts into me and slaps my shoulders, indicating a take-down. I shake my shoulders loose, smiling a little when Brees taps my helmet with the flat of his hand, and finish out practice with a little more clarity and focus. When Coach dismisses us, I start jogging a lap around the field. I speed up on my second lap, tapering it back down around the last corner so I’m jogging back to the locker rooms.
The showers are mostly empty by the time I get there, which was the goal. I might feel looser than I have all day, but I’m still not up to the scrutiny of my teammates when they ask what’s eating me tonight. My forehead rests on the wall of the shower as I let the lukewarm spray fall over my back, taking deep breaths. After the water runs cold, I shut off the valve and pat the worst of the water off before I wrap the towel around my waist and head to my locker. It’s no surprise to find Cam sitting on the bench, dressed and waiting for me.
“What kind of freak,” he asks, eyes closed peacefully as he leans back against the locker. “Runs unassigned laps to clear his head after practice?”
“Me, I guess,” I chuckle, pulling on boxers and jeans and throwing the towel over Cam’s head.
“Weirdo,” Cam smiles, eyes opening now to watch me as I tug on a shirt. “Everything okay? You seem pretty tense.”
“Yeah,” I wince. “Casey texted me today.”
“That’s good, right?”
“Yeah, I think so… She asked if she could ‘see me tonight’,” I do the air quotes with my fingers. “So yeah, I don’t totally know what that means…” I shrug. “I’m sure it’s fine, I just… Still feel weird about the party.”
“That makes sense.”
I frown at him, noting his intentionally neutral statement.
“You’re not gonna tell me what you think?”
“I think you’re a smart guy who can figure out what he thinks for himself without my influence.” He smiles tightly, but when I open my mouth to ask a question he stands and puts his backpack over his shoulder. “Anyway, I’ve gotta head home, just wanted to be sure you had a ride.”
“Yeah, sure, I’ll catch a ride with Casey, probably. Thanks.”
“Any time,” Cam slaps his palm against mine before spinning on his heel and heading out to the parking lot.
I follow behind, pulling out my phone to text Casey, but before I can send it I step out of the athletic building and see her leaning against her Jeep in the spot closest to the door. She smiles and waves me over, and I try to return it convincingly as I come closer. I’m nearly to her side when she launches herself at me, wrapping her arms around my shoulders in a tight hug. My arms reflexively tighten around her waist, hugging her back, and I relax slightly at the sign that we aren’t going to have a problem.
“Hey,” I greet her lamely.
“Hi,” she pulls back, smiling up at me. Her eyes look nervous, like she hadn’t been sure what I was thinking about the other night. Interesting… “So, what do you want for dinner?”
“I don’t know,” I shrug as I open the car door, waiting until she rounds the car and hops in the driver’s seat before continuing. “Burgers sound okay?”
“Sure,” she turns to look over her shoulder before she pulls out of the space and makes her way to the edge of the school parking lot. “How was practice?”
“It was good,” I flex my arms slightly. “Midweek practice is no-pads, so that’s kinda nice. Not as hot, and less risk of getting taken down by a sweaty guy.”
