Watch Me Ignite, page 14
I wasn't about to enlighten him. "Nothing," I said. "In fact, I'd just like to go to sleep."
"Oh, right," he looked around, first at the bedroom and then at me.
I raised my eyebrows and crossed my arms, fixing him with a stern expression.
"Yeah, no problem," he said hurriedly. "You take the bed. I'll sleep on the couch."
"Okay. Thanks."
I turned to leave.
"Alex?"
I paused, looking back over my shoulder. "Yes?"
"Do you want to...talk?"
Scott had never been the sensitive type and I knew he was making an effort for my sake. I smiled.
"I just want to sleep, Scott. But thanks."
He shrugged. "Sure. See you in the morning."
I closed the bedroom door behind me and leaned on it, breathing deeply. I felt exhausted, like I'd been twelve rounds with a champion boxer and then run a marathon. I barely seemed able to compose a rational thought. My mind flitted like a butterfly, never settling on anything for long.
Sitting on the edge of the bed, I realized suddenly I'd not brought a thing with me. I'd been in such a hurry to get away that I didn't even have a change of clothes. Wonderful. Nice one, Alex.
I kicked off my shoes and lay back on the bed, staring at the ceiling. At that moment, I don't think I'd ever felt more alone. I wanted Damon. I wanted him to fold me in his arms and tell me everything was going to be okay. But I couldn't have him and after the way I'd treated him today I doubted if he'd ever want to see me again.
Tears gathered at the corners of my eyes and I dashed them away ruthlessly. I would not cry. I wouldn't. This mess was of my own making. I had nobody to blame but myself and I wouldn't compound my shame by crying about it. Tomorrow I would sort it all out. Tomorrow I would begin rebuilding my life. Somehow.
Round and round and round went my thoughts. There was no way I’d get any sleep.
I was wrong.
The door banging closed woke me the next morning. I sat up, bleary eyed, wondering where the hell I was. Then it all came rushing back and a terrible sinking sensation filled my stomach. For a split second I had dared to hope that it was all a dream. No such luck.
I'd fallen asleep fully clothed. I climbed to my feet, stretched the kinks out of my neck, then pulled open the bedroom door and peeked into the living room.
There was no sign of Scott. His blankets had been neatly folded and placed on the sofa. Scott had often left me sleeping whilst he went out to his early shift at the local service station. I spotted a note sitting on the coffee table. Picking it up, I read: There's cereal in the kitchen if you're hungry. I'll be back at 11. Maybe see you later?
I winced. Scott was still obviously angling for me to stay. It hadn't been fair of me to come here last night, giving him false hope. But what else was I supposed to do? I'd run out of options.
I helped myself to Scott's cereal and slumped onto the sofa, flicking through the TV channels for an hour or so, until I was reasonably sure that Cassie had gone to college. I cleared away the dishes, tidied Scott's apartment a little and then took in a deep breath. Right. Time to face the music. I hadn't forgotten the promise I'd made to myself last night. Today was the day I started sorting my life out. Starting by going back to my apartment and reclaiming my territory.
It took maybe twenty minutes to walk from Scott's apartment to the one I shared with Cassie. All the way there I rehearsed in my head what I'd say to her, just in case she hadn't left yet. I had it down perfectly by the time I arrived.
But, much to my relief, the apartment was empty. No sign of Cassie or Brent.
And no sign of Damon.
My stomach twisted with disappointment. Sure, I'd told him to go. Sure, I'd been dreading coming here, just in case he had hung around. But I wanted to see him so bad rationality didn't come into it.
Get a grip, Alex, I told myself. New start today, remember?
I showered, changed, tidied the apartment, packed my books. Then, I headed off for my first day of the new semester.
AT LEAST CAMPUS HADN’T changed. With all the craziness that had happened in my life since I’d left at the end of last semester, I half expected to find that the university had changed beyond all recognition. Of course, it hadn’t. The familiar buildings and grounds, even the smell of the floor polish in the corridors was like a balm. I strode to my classroom feeling a little better.
I had made my plan and today was the first day to put it into practise: head down, work hard, get a good degree, make a fresh start.
Sounded simple. I should have guessed it wouldn’t be.
I pushed open the door to my classroom to find that most of my classmates were there before me. A group of guys were gathered around someone’s tablet, seemingly playing a game. The girls were laughing and joking, sitting in a tight ring with their backs to everyone else. There was no sign of the lecturer yet.
One of the girls looked up and saw me standing in the doorway. Her eyes widened and she quickly turned around and whispered urgently to the others. Their laughter cut short abruptly and they all suddenly busied themselves examining their nails or their clothes, or staring at the textbooks balanced in their laps.
I paused, as blood rushed to my cheeks. Had they been talking about me? How could they possibly know anything about me? We’d never met before!
Then my eyes settled on a dark-haired girl and my stomach sank. Marie McAllister. Cassie’s best friend and an even bigger gossip than Cassie was. I stifled a groan. Perfect. Just fucking perfect. I saw it all now. No doubt Cassie had been straight onto the phone to Marie after I left the apartment and told her every tiny detail of the confrontation between myself and Damon. Any details she wasn’t sure of she would have made up, making the story even juicier in the telling. And when Marie found out she was in my class for 20th Century Literature, she no doubt couldn’t help herself. Either that or she deliberately wanted to embarrass me. I wouldn’t put it past her and Cassie to come up with an evil plan like that.
What exactly had Marie told them? And what was I supposed to do about it?
I paused in the doorway, one hand on the door handle. Should I tackle Marie about this? Or act like nothing had happened?
I went for the second option. I had no proof that Marie had been telling tales and I’d only make myself appear more of an idiot if I called her down for it. No, best to act aloof and unconcerned, like this didn’t bother me at all. Even though inside, my blood boiled and my heart raced.
I forced a neutral expression onto my face and walked as nonchalantly as possible and took a seat. I smiled at the girl sitting next to me—a petite little blonde with freckles over her nose. I held out a hand.
"Hi, I’m Alex."
The girl’s eyes flicked towards Marie before she hesitantly shook my hand. "Hi. I’m Sarah."
"It’s nice to meet you. Have you studied this period before?"
Sarah shook her head and pretended to be engrossed in a page of her textbook. She obviously didn’t realize she had it upside down. Right. Okay. That’s how it was going to be.
I heard whispering behind me and then a high-pitched giggle. I flushed to my hairline but I would be damned if I would give them the satisfaction of turning around. Instead, I stared dead ahead, back rigid and shoulders hunched.
The five or so minutes before the lecturer arrived seemed like an eternity. When the door opened and he walked in I’d never been so glad to see someone in my life. I thought that would be it. Surely, they wouldn’t taunt me during a lesson?
Oh, Alex. You should have learned by now.
Professor Andrews popped his briefcase on the rickety desk at the front of the class and took a pile of books out of it which he placed in a haphazard pile. He peered at the class over the top of his glasses.
"Right, class. I hope you have paid close attention to your reading list? Each week you will be required to read and discuss one of the books from that list. Today we’ll start with Lolita."
I groaned. Marie tittered. Oh god. I could have died. Why that book? Why not The Catcher in the Rye or The Great Gatsby? Why did he have to choose a book on the reading list about forbidden passion? Was I cursed or something?
Dutifully, I took my copy of Lolita from my bag and waited. It took all of about two minutes before it began.
"Professor Andrews?" Marie said from behind me.
He squinted down at her. "Miss McAllister isn’t it?"
"Yes, sir."
"Well? What is it?"
"Perhaps Alex should lead the discussion on Lolita, sir. She’s a bit of an expert in the subject."
Professor Andrews looked at me. "Really? A fan of Nabokov are you, Miss Chambers?"
"Oh no," Marie piped up. "I didn’t say she’s an expert on the author. She’s an expert on Lolita’s subject matter. She’s had first-hand experience, you see."
Professor Andrews frowned at Marie. "Miss McAllister, I get the impression you’re trying to be clever at Miss Chambers expense. Since you’re so vocal on the matter, why don’t you lead the discussion? What is your assessment of the character of Lolita herself?"
That shut the little bitch up. I turned to stare at her, raising one eyebrow. She had flushed red and the look she shot at me could have floored a rhino at ten paces.
"I um...yes of course, Professor Andrews."
At the end of the lesson I shot out of the room. But this time, I wasn’t running away. I was angry and wanted answers. Outside in the corridor, I took up position by the door and waited. Marie came strolling out with her little coven, laughing and joking.
I grabbed her arm before she noticed me and pulled her around to face me. She squawked in surprise.
“What the hell was all that?” I demanded.
Her pretty face looked surprised for a minute before folding into a scowl. She tried to yank her arm out of my hand but I didn’t let her go.
“Alex, you’re hurting me.”
“Too bad,” I growled. “Answer my question.”
Her coven began to mutter behind her. No doubt I was confirming every awful thing they thought about me.
“I’ve no idea what you’re talking about, Alex. You’re obviously tired. Why don’t you go home and get some sleep?”
From the smirk, I guessed this was another barbed comment although I couldn’t figure out what. “What has Cassie told you?”
“Nothing. Why, what should she have told me?” Her eyes glinted. Perhaps she saw an opportunity to get more gossip.
“Tell her, Marie,” said a girl with short brown hair who was standing slightly behind Marie. “Jesus, we’re not ten years old anymore.”
Marie shot the girl a venomous look and sighed. “Fine. There’s a rumor going around that your family has disowned you because you’ve been having a relationship with your stepbrother.”
The group gasped. Perhaps they’d not heard it this blatantly from Marie. My stomach turned over. Was this the story circulating round college? I felt sick. How the hell was I going to put this right?
Don’t show any weakness, I told myself. Laugh it off as though it’s all crap.
Fighting desperately to hide the turmoil churning inside me, I curled my lip in disdain. “You really shouldn’t believe everything you hear, Marie. Do you still believe in the tooth fairy too? In fact, I bet you still leave a cup of milk out for Santa Claus on Christmas Eve.”
That brought a titter from the coven and Marie’s cheeks reddened. I let go of her arm and sauntered off, head held high. I hoped I’d done enough to head off the rumors. If I was lucky, Marie would be too embarrassed to keep repeating them. If I was unlucky, I’d just pissed her off enough to make her want revenge and spread those rumors worse than ever.
My second class went smoothly. Most of the people in it were from my class last year and it was nice to catch up with them and chat. We knew the lecturer too – Professor Bowman – a no nonsense woman whose passion for literature was infectious. By the time I left that class I was buzzing. My head was filled with post-modernist literacy theory and so I didn’t see the group of girls in the corridor until it was too late.
“Some people behave like animals,” said a voice loud enough to cut through the hubbub of the corridor. “Imagine doing that with one of your relations!”
I stopped dead. My shoulder blades itched as I sensed eyes staring at me. It was like having knives in my back. I dared to glance to left and right. A number of people were staring at me but they turned away quickly as soon as I made eye contact. Right. So that’s how it was. Brave enough to say things behind my back but not brave enough to say anything to my face.
It was exactly how it had been at school. I’d never been part of the ‘in-crowd’ and all the pretty girls hated me because Damon was my best friend. They never said anything when he was around but whenever I was alone they would make snippy comments that were barely veiled threats.
Damon had always come to my rescue back then. I had nobody to come to my rescue now.
Doing my best to school my expression to a neutral one, I glided down the corridor. I was a swan: all calm composure on the outside but below the surface I paddled furiously, desperately trying to control the mixture of shame and anger that was whirling through me.
The apartment door slammed back against the wall as I threw it open. Cassie looked up from her spot slumped on the sofa.
She grinned. “How was your first day back?”
“You damned-well know how it was!” I hissed, stalking around to stand in front of the sofa, glaring down at her.
Her eyes widened and she pressed her hand to her heart in mock surprise. “Whatever do you mean? I was only trying to be polite.”
“Cut the bullshit, Cassie. What did you tell Marie?”
She raised an eyebrow. “Nothing. Well, not that much. She asked how your summer had been. I told her I didn’t know but from what I saw yesterday it looked like it had been ‘interesting’ to say the least.”
I ground my teeth. How the hell did I end up with such a bitch of a roommate?
“What did I ever do to you?” I hissed. “Why do you act like such a bitch?”
She jumped to her feet. Her arms went rigid by her sides and her fists clenched. “Me, a bitch? How dare you? How fucking dare you? You swan in here like a princess, looking down your nose at me, thinking you’re so much better than I am! You deserve everything you get!”
“What the hell are you talking about? I’ve never looked down my nose at you!”
“Yeah, right. You reckon all you have to do is flash your eyelashes, show your tits and the world falls at your feet! You think you can have any guy you want, don’t you?”
I stared at her incredulously. What the hell was she talking about? Where was all this vitriol coming from? Then it hit me. All the times Brent had flirted with me. All the times he’d suggested a threesome between him, Cassie and me. I’d always laughed it off, assuming he wasn’t serious. I thought Cassie had done the same. Seems she hadn’t.
“You’re talking about Brent, aren’t you?” I said. “You really think I’d be interested in that meathead? A guy who thinks high culture is having mustard on your hot-dog instead of ketchup? You can keep him.”
That was unfair. I actually quite liked Brent but I was so angry with Cassie I just wanted to lash out.
Her face flushed red. She stepped close and screeched, “What the hell do you know about it? You’re hardly one to give advice on relationships! Who’ve you dated since you came here? Scott Lynch who fucked someone else behind your back and some guy who turned out to be your stepbrother!”
Something snapped. With a howl of fury, I lashed out. My full-handed slap caught Cassie flush on the cheek, snapping her head to one side. Her hand flew to her cheek and she stared at me, a look of pure fury flashing across her face.
I tensed, expecting an attack but she merely straightened slowly then glared at me. A big red mark was forming on her cheek. “You’ll pay for that,” she hissed. “You’ll see.”
She spun on her heel, stormed into her bedroom and slammed the door. For a moment I stared in shock. My heart thumped. My breathing came in ragged gasps. I stalked into my own bedroom and threw myself onto the bed.
Oh hell. Oh, fucking hell.
I’d just gone and made things a whole lot worse. Now I would have to apologize to Cassie, even though this was all her fault!
I needed to talk to someone. Anyone. I dug my cell phone from my pocket and held it out in front of me. For a long time, I stared at the screen as though that might somehow give me courage. Pressing my thumb to the screen, I flicked through the stored numbers. Dad. Shauna. Damon. A host of people from summer camp and from college. Then I found the one I was after.
Mom.
We’d never had a close relationship. Whilst I was growing up she’d been distant, too caught up in herself to pay much attention to her daughter. If things had stayed that way I doubt I would have cared how she reacted to Damon and I. Trouble was, things had changed between my mom and me. Since her engagement to Roger, Damon’s dad, something had changed in my mom. She’d become happier, more relaxed. Easier to be around. And for the first time in my life I’d really had a mom.
Perhaps that’s why her reaction hurt so badly. Perhaps that’s why I so desperately wanted to sort things out.
Taking a deep breath, I punched the button to dial her number. A million different phrases ran through my head. I’d say I was sorry. No, screw that, I had nothing to apologize for. I’d explain about Damon and me. No, I’d ask how she was and act like nothing was wrong.
I lost my nerve before the phone had even rung twice. I pressed the button to hang up, tossed the phone onto the bed and punched my pillow with all my might. Damn my mom! Damn Cassie! Damn them all! I didn’t need any of them!
Talking outside my room caught my attention. I heard Cassie’s voice and then a male one. He seemed to be asking questions and Cassie was answering them. There was a knock on my door.
Puzzled, and more than a little wary, I called, "Who is it?"
