The Weight of the Stars, page 18
Charlie began to fuss, so James put him over his shoulder and began to pat his back.
Alexandria turned to James. “I’m sorry for coming over unannounced. Thank you for having me over; your home is beautiful.”
James nodded but glanced over at Ryann again for some kind of explanation. Ryann just covered her face with her hands and went back outside.
4 MINUTES
Alexandria came outside and sat down next to Ryann on the stairs.
“James went back to bed,” she said. “I don’t want to wake him up. Is there anywhere else around here we could talk?”
“You don’t have to stay if you don’t want to,” Ryann said. “It’s not—”
“It isn’t anything meaningful other than being where you happen to live right now. It’s okay,” Alexandria said. “Did you really think I’d judge you over this? Stop panicking.”
“I can’t help it,” Ryann said.
Alexandria hummed and leaned back, resting her elbows on the deck. “I came to see you, not your house,” she said. “Come on, then. Tell me about how it was at SCOUT.”
Ryann sighed. “It’s … normal feeling. I went in and everyone sort of just … told me where to go, and I took some medical tests, kind of like a checkup. Then they let me leave. They have dorms there to stay in but I turned that down.”
“Was Roland there?” Alexandria asked. “Did you have to talk to him again?”
“No,” Ryann said. “I asked, but the nurse said he barely comes out of his office when he’s there unless some special project or an event happens.”
Alexandria snorted. “Do you think we were a special project or an event?”
“Both. Definitely both.” Ryann laughed.
“Wow. High praise.” Alexandria grinned. She gazed at the sky. “They’re probably watching us,” she murmured.
Ryann stuck her middle finger up at the sky. “You know I’m kidding,” she said loudly. “But the sentiment is still there, you dicks.”
Alexandria giggled and spread her arms out behind her head. “This is so dumb and weird.”
“Yeah. I’m starting to phase out of the horrified disassociation phase into the casual acceptance with a few drops of hysteria phase,” Ryann admitted.
“That’s a good place to be,” Alexandria said softly.
28 MINUTES
They took a walk down by the orchard, along the fence where there was an overgrown trail and the air smelled like spring and old fruit.
Alexandria lit their path with her phone until their eyes adjusted to the darkness. Ryann recounted her SCOUT visit in as much detail as she could.
Alexandria let Ryann talk until she had no more to say, then they settled into a comfortable silence.
“What was that first night like?” Alexandria finally asked.
“Which?”
“The first night you sat on my roof?”
Ryann grinned. “Well. It was more boring than the ones after it. You left all your stuff in a mess so I cleaned it up. Then I just kind of lay there and struggled against going into your room and snooping around.”
Alexandria laughed. “I’d be mad at that comment, but your house is immaculate. We have very different definitions of clean.”
Ryann hmmed. Alexandria’s hand swung next to her emptily, and Ryann itched to grab it.
“I looked up at the sky and wondered if that was what it felt like to be you,” Ryann admitted. “I didn’t know you back then. I couldn’t have known, but I think I wasn’t too off the mark.”
“You deserve to go. You always have,” Alexandria said suddenly. “I came because I needed you to know that. You’re very self-deprecating and I need you to leave without questioning this. The instant he offered, I knew that I couldn’t go. That’s what I was crying about, not about meeting him or anything. It’s inevitable to me, but I still wanted time to mourn it.”
Ryann stopped in her tracks. “Why?”
Alexandria sighed and ran her fingers through her hair. It was more black than blond now and was messier and more her than Ryann had ever seen it.
“I can’t leave my dad alone in that house,” she said plainly. “I can’t take the last thing he has away from him.”
Ryann tilted her head to the side and considered Alexandria. “You asked me to be selfish. Couldn’t you have been selfish as well?”
“I wanted to,” Alexandria whispered. “God, I wanted to. But I have to break the cycle. I have to do it, just like you have to go: Because this might be the only chance you’ll ever have. This is my only chance, too.”
Alexandria reached up and placed her hand on Ryann’s shoulder, then cupped the back of Ryann’s neck. “You’re so strong…,” she said. “That will help you up there, I think.”
Ryann swallowed tightly and leaned down, but Alexandria pulled away, crossing her arms over her chest.
“Do … you want to stay?” Ryann asked. “It’s too late to really walk around here now—things get dodgy around two a.m. and who knows if your dad will be—”
“You don’t have to think up excuses,” Alexandria said, turning back the way they came. “I’ll stay.”
2 HOURS
There was enough space between them for Ryann to be able to stretch her arm out completely and still not touch Alexandria. She was curled up facing the wall, but she wasn’t asleep yet. Ryann stared at her back and tried to stop wanting to touch her.
“I wasn’t sure I would get to see you again,” Ryann whispered, the darkness and silence making her bold.
Alexandria was quiet for a minute, then she turned over on her back. Shifting a couple inches nearer.
“One day, you won’t,” Alexandria said plainly.
They breathed into the quiet for what felt like hours, until Alexandria turned back onto her side and faced the wall.
“Don’t—” Ryann started, then paused. “Don’t forget about me.”
Alexandria didn’t reply.
7 HOURS AND 8 SECONDS
They woke up back to back. Identical apostrophes in the warmth of Ryann’s bed.
Alexandria sat up first and Ryann looked over at her, sitting there, bleary eyed with the sun illuminating her bright hair. They locked eyes for an eon before Ryann had to close her gaze against the sight. Alexandria escaped to go brush her teeth.
Ryann went through the day on autopilot. Unable to shake the memory of Alexandria’s back pressed against her and the wheezy soft sound she made as she slept.
3 DAYS AND 6 HOURS
Ryann liked Reed. He was straightforward and firm.
Reed expected her there every day before the sun was completely up on the days they had a flying lesson. He expected Ryann to remember exactly what he’d taught her the last time, and he expected Ryann to be able to repeat it on command.
He let her steer in the air for a week before setting her in the pilot’s seat and making her practice taking off and landing. By the time they started actually flying, Ryann was almost impatient to do it.
Reed chuckled and nodded the final time he made Ryann land immediately instead of accelerate into the air.
“If you’re busy being hotheaded, you won’t have time to be nervous,” he explained, his eyes twinkling.
Ryann sighed theatrically as Reed laughed louder.
“Don’t get your britches all wound up. You’re coming along just fine. Now put some fire under that ass and get to training. Don’t make me make you late.”
8 DAYS
The first time Ryann crested the trees, she smiled so wide her face felt like it was splitting.
“Now we’re talking!” Reed shouted, and clapped loudly. “And ain’t it a beauty! Aw, quit grinning so wide, you’ll outshine the sun.”
Ryann laughed and felt freer than she had in months.
“She laughs, too?” Reed joked. “Well, I’ll be.”
Ryann gazed out into the sky as the morning turned from pink to blue, and she sailed until she could tread the wind like waves. Reed beamed next to her the whole time.
When Ryann gently drifted them back to the ground and into the hangar, Reed shook his head in delight and patted her on the back again. Ryann was sure her shoulder was getting bruised.
“We do that a couple dozen more times and you’ll be good to take your exam, no problem,” Reed assured her. “You’ll be a pilot before you get your high school diploma, if I have anything to do with it. Let me know when you do so we can celebrate.”
“Actually, can I ask a favor of you? For if I pass the test?”
“Sure kid, what do you need?”
3 WEEKS
The day before Ryann went over state lines to take her flight exam, Alexandria decided that they should go sit on the roof one last time for old time’s sake. They waited until midnight, then snuck Ryann in through the back door—closing it softly and running up the stairs.
Ryann lifted Alexandria up through the skylight, even though her arm had been healed for ages. Then she lay in her old spot and looked up at the stars.
“They seem close,” Ryann observed.
“They aren’t,” Alexandria replied.
“They’re closer now than they’ve ever been, technologically speaking. They’ll be closer soon when we learn how to get to them even faster,” Ryann said. She reached across the shingles separating them and linked her pinkie with Alexandria’s. “Remember a few months ago, when we were walking in the woods by the warehouse, I was telling you about wanting to go into space and not really thinking that I could? Then you looked at me and said you really thought I could?” Ryann asked.
Alexandria huffed mirthlessly. “Famous last words. Yes, I remember.”
“You … you gotta try.”
“Try what?”
“Try to find me. Someday.”
Alexandria leaned over and her face eclipsed light-years from Ryann’s view.
“That’s a tall order, Ryann Bird,” she whispered.
“You’re the tallest person I know.” Ryann grinned.
Alexandria laughed and Ryann knew it would be something she wouldn’t have to learn to miss.
3 DAYS
Ryann mailed her flight exam results to SCOUT. Then she stared up at the sun and thought about how daytime didn’t exist in space.
5 HOURS
“Are you sure this is okay?” Alexandria frowned and touched the outside of the plane.
“Reed said that if I passed the exam, I was allowed to take someone up unsupervised,” Ryann said.
“At night?” Alexandria looked at the cockpit forebodingly.
Ryann rolled her eyes. “Yes, at night. That’s like an entire part of the exam. Just get in. I pinkie promise I won’t kill you.”
Alexandria scowled but she got in and closed the door. When Ryann turned on the plane, Alexandria jumped.
“You had to have flown to move here,” Ryann said. “Literally, what is wrong?”
“I don’t know. It’s … bumpier,” Alexandria said.
“Yeah. It won’t be for long, though.” Ryann drove them down the orchard runway. She glanced over at Alexandria, who was clutching the side of the plane tightly. “Ready?”
“No.”
The plane lifted off the ground—effortless and smooth—but Alexandria yelped anyway. Ryann coasted over the trees and arced off into the indigo sky.
“It’s okay,” she said. “You can open your eyes.”
Alexandria reached over and gripped Ryann’s wrist tightly.
“That’s … an interesting way of letting me control whether or not this goes safely,” Ryann said dryly. “Open your eyes, you’re missing the best part. You can’t see a view like this from a commercial plane.”
Alexandria did, then she slammed them shut again.
“You want to go back down,” Ryann said, disappointed.
Alexandria didn’t say anything.
“Okay,” Ryann sighed. “Okay.”
21 MINUTES AND 3 SECONDS
Ryann landed the plane in a clearing in the middle of the road not far from the hangar. She hopped out of the plane, then went over to the other side and opened Alexandria’s door. She was still shaking, so Ryann reached in and helped her gently down to the ground.
“It’s safe,” Ryann said. “I’d never do anything to hurt you. You know that?”
Alexandria took a deep breath and steadied herself on the side of the plane. “I know,” she replied.
Ryann squeezed her arm. “You stay here. I’m going to drive the plane back, then I’ll take you home.”
17 MINUTES
The ride back was quiet.
Alexandria had stopped shaking and had buried her face into the back of Ryann’s neck, resting her chin on the collar of Ryann’s leather jacket.
Ryann pulled her bike into the back of Alexandria’s house slowly, trying to keep the noise down so Mr. Macallough wouldn’t wake up.
“I’m sorry,” Ryann said as Alexandria got off.
Alexandria didn’t respond, but she made a soft sound. Ryann turned around in alarm.
Alexandria was crying.
“It’s not your fault,” she sniffled. “It’s not the plane … not really.”
Ryann gently took the helmet out of Alexandria’s hands and turned off her bike. “I wanted to do something fun and show you what I learned,” she explained quietly.
“Why are you doing this to me, though?” Alexandria said.
“I … I wanted to give you a chance to fly,” Ryann said. “Or at least to fly with me at least once before—”
“No,” Alexandria said firmly, shaking her head once. “Not that. Why are you trying to make me love you before you have to go?”
Ryann didn’t say anything. She couldn’t. Somehow, even though she’d thought that word for months, hearing it out of Alexandria’s mouth like this—after all this—was somehow great and also terrible.
Alexandria moved her hand from Ryann’s arm, to her shoulder, to her neck, to her cheek. Ryann clenched Alexandria’s wrist and felt her bones grind beneath her fingers, and Alexandria gripped her jaw so tight Ryann was sure it would bruise.
“Why do you keep looking at me and touching me when you know that I fully understand the price of losing that?” Alexandria whispered. “Why are you ripping me open every day when I’m trying so hard to patch myself closed?
“It was going to be easy, I was just going to grow up alone and leave. But then you kicked your way into my life and threw your fragile friends in front of me and now I am tearing out pieces of myself to try to figure out how to get back to where I started.
“I spent months trying to unlearn loving you, trying to forget the strength of your hands and the worlds in your eyes. But there is no part of me left that you have not touched. We just spent forever finding out what it meant to have one foot out in the heliosphere and the other here on Earth, testing just how far a heart can stretch. I heard it in her voice, how much it hurts, and I am terrified that same thing will kill me.
“Why are you rebuilding the tragedy that built me?” It was a question, and a threat.
Ryann squeezed her eyes tight and said the thing that had hidden behind her teeth for months. “Because I had to. Because I’m selfish. Because I want you more than I care about whether it hurts us or not.”
Alexandria laughed. “I never—You never stop surprising me—”
Ryann stole the rest of whatever Alexandria was going to say beneath the press of her lips. Alexandria pushed Ryann back against her bike, scrambling her hands beneath Ryann’s jacket and shirt so she could feel her skin.
“You’re an asshole, Ryann Bird,” Alexandria said between gasps. “You made me wait until the last fucking minute for this.”
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” Ryann laughed into Alexandria’s slender neck, biting it sweetly. “You’re scary. I … I didn’t know. I didn’t want to—” She recaptured Alexandria’s lips, framing her face with trembling hands. Alexandria leaned in close, peeling Ryann’s jacket off her shoulders as she leaned in.
Ryann’s bike jerked under their weight and then turned on its side, dumping them unceremoniously onto the gravel.
Alexandria turned on her back, spread out on the filthy rocks, and laughed loudly. Ryann’s eyes tingled with tears and she buried her face in the crook of Alexandria’s shoulder.
“Okay. Fuck. Well. It’s way too late to sneak in the front door, so let’s climb the trellis and go in through the roof,” Alexandria said, curling an arm around Ryann’s neck. “All we ever do is break into places.”
Ryann snorted and kissed Alexandria gently on the cheek.
8 MINUTES
Alexandria closed the skylight and climbed down to the floor. She walked across the room and turned off the light, then she came and stood in front of Ryann, gazing up at her.
“Four light-years from the second largest pulsar, past the black dust and the white. In a small circle of golden light, made by a careful teenage star, I found you,” Alexandria said seriously. “No matter what I did or said, there you stood. Like a fixed point, and the Earth moved around you.”
“Everything you say is like poetry,” Ryann whispered.
“Is that what made you love me?”
“No,” Ryann said hoarsely. “On the first day … Even on the first day, you were so angry and luminous and demanding. You looked like … the whole world was built just so that you could walk on it. Who could look away from that? Who would want to?”
Alexandria held Ryann’s face in her hands and Ryann exhaled softly, swaying forward.
