Then … I realized I was no longer afraid.

  A deep confidence had welled up inside of me.

  Utter confidence. Utter fearlessness.

  I realized I was no longer standing erect. I was on all fours. When I looked down I expected to see my two hands splayed on the dirt. Instead I saw massive paws.

  Coarse, dark brown fur. Black claws, each like the point of a pickax.

  I had become the bear. It was his confidence I felt. It was his total lack of fear.

  I was an animal that had never, in a thousand generations of grizzly bears, known an instant of real fear.

  Suddenly I felt a terrible pain in my shoulder. One of the Hork-Bajir had slashed me. I glared with nearsighted eyes and saw nothing but a tall blur.

  I had never morphed the bear before. I had never learned to control its brain, its instincts. The bear mind was focused completely on one basic fact — it had been challenged.

  There was exactly one response to being challenged.

  Attack!

  “Grrooowwwrrrr!” I roared. I charged the Hork-Bajir.

  He cut me again. It didn’t matter. I barreled into him, eight hundred pounds of very angry grizzly.

  The power!

  I was a truck doing seventy miles an hour!

  I was a tank!

  I was the largest carnivore on land and nothing, NOTHING challenged me and survived!

  I could barely see the Hork-Bajir through the bear’s weak eyes, but I smelled him and felt him, and I swung my massive paw and hit him full in the chest. I struck him with a blow that would have knocked a train off its tracks.

  The Hork-Bajir went flying.

  More came.

  More discovered why part of the Latin name for the grizzly is horribilis.

  I barely remember what happened next. I gave myself up to the bear’s rage. Its anger and my own became one. All the tension within me, all the uncertainty, all the doubts were swept away as I gave myself up to the bear’s violence.

  I remember that at some point, Jake got into his tiger morph and joined the fight. And I have flashing images from my memory of terrible destruction. Of ripping claws and crushing jaws.

  But the next thing I clearly remember is flying up the long dropshaft, while Jake’s voice in my head kept saying,

  I was clawing wildly at the air, trying to kill the tiger that was suspended above me in the dropshaft.

  Trying to kill Jake.

  I felt as if I had snapped awake from a dream.

  Slowly, as we rose toward the surface, I left the bear and returned to myself.

  The soaring rush up the dropshaft seemed to last forever.

  The dropshaft entered solid rock, and as I rose, I shed the last of my bear form. I felt the return of my human reason. But I was still confused and disconnected from what was going on.

  Then, quite suddenly, I was at the top of the dropshaft. I stepped off onto solid concrete. The others were all there. Ax was trying to morph into his human body, but he was having trouble. Morphing is exhausting. Morphing rapidly from one form to the next more than once makes you feel like you want to just crawl in a corner and die.

  I knew how he felt. I stumbled from sheer weariness as I stepped onto the cement floor. It was dark, with just enough faint light to see the faces around me.

  “Careful,” Cassie said, taking my arm. “We’re okay. We’re safe. We’re in the base of the water tower behind the school.”

  “Gotta get out of here. Yeerks will be watching.”

  “Yeah, they were,” Marco said. He jerked his head over to the corner, where two Human-Controllers lay unconscious.

  “Let’s get out of here,” Jake said. “You okay, Rachel?”

  “Yeah. Tired is all. I … I never morphed the bear before. Didn’t have time to get control. Sorry.”

  “It’s okay, Rachel. That grizzly got us all out of there. But get some rest, huh?”

  “Yeah. Rest would be nice.”

  Somehow I made it home. I crawled into my bed and fell instantly asleep.

  I didn’t wake up till the next morning when my alarm went off. I was groggy, barely able to read the numbers on my clock.

  “Rachel? Are you up?” my mom called through the door.

  “Yeah. Yeah, I’m up,” I said.

  I crawled out of bed and staggered toward the bathroom. Jordan was in the bathroom we share. I went out into the hall toward my mother’s bathroom.

  She was already up and dressed in a tan business suit. She was adjusting her nylons. “You don’t look too good,” she said, giving me a sideways look.

  “Uh,” I said. “Can I use your shower?”

  “You’re wearing the clothes you came home in last night,” she said accusingly. “You came wandering in at nine thirty, barefoot and wearing your leotard. That’s what you’re still wearing.”

  I stared stupidly down at myself. Yes, I was wearing my morphing outfit. “Um … my, um, I left my shoes over at Cassie’s. I was showing her some gymnastics stuff. Can I use your shower or not?”

  “Coming home barefoot and falling asleep without even having dinner,” my mom said, and shook her head. “Rachel, if you are having some problems or something, I want you to talk to me.”

  I did the wrong thing: I suddenly burst out laughing. “Problems? No, why would I have any problems?” I giggled, and wiped the sleep from my eyes, and giggled some more.

  My mom sighed. “I have an early court appearance this morning,” she said. “The Hallinan case. But I want you to stay home tonight. I think you and I need to have a little talk. I know your father has thrown a big problem into your lap. I know this decision is very difficult for you.”

  “Can I use your shower or not?” I sighed, no longer giggling.

  “Go ahead. Make sure Sara gets on the bus okay.”

  I closed the bathroom door behind me and fled to the sanctuary of steaming hot water.

  It started coming back to me then. All of it. Exploding out of the Taxxon’s stomach. The Ellimist’s offer. The sight of Tobias, back for too brief a time in his own body. Human again.

  And the battle … a rampaging, enraged bear. A bear that was me.

  I shuddered. I was running out of hot water.

  “Rachel? What did you do, fall in?” It was Jordan, outside the bathroom door.

  “Jordan? Make sure Sara gets off to school, okay?” I called out. “I’m running a little late. You go ahead, too.”

  I skipped school that day for the first time in my life. I lay around the house and watched daytime trash TV. I flipped channels back and forth, between one bunch of messed-up people and another bunch of even more messed-up people.

  It was nice, watching other people with problems. Their problems all seemed easy compared to mine.

  But over the electronic pictures of angry people and placating hosts, other images appeared. A Taxxon, split open like a torn bag of garbage. The frozen, silent screams of involuntary hosts in their cages.

  And through all the television noise, I could still hear other voices. The Ellimist’s voice in my head. We can save a small sample of the human race.

  And Jake’s voice. You are out of control!

  And my father. To another city. Another state.

  I tried not to even think about everything that had happened the day before. I mean, it was so ridiculous. I lived in two completely different worlds.

  One world was filled by my family, school, gymnastics classes, shopping, listening to music, watching TV … normal stuff.

  But then I had this whole other life. A life where I wasn’t just Jordan and Sara’s big sister, and my mom’s first child, and a teacher’s pet, and a gymnastics student who was weak on the balance beam.

  In my other life I was … a warrior. I risked my life. I fought in deadly nightmare battles against terrible odds. I became so much more than just a kid.

  Noon rolled around and I made myself a grilled cheese sandwich. I turned on the TV in the kitchen while I cooked. And there was my dad on the noon news. He was doing a remote — a story from outside the studio. Some stupid event at the convention center.

  I muted the sound and just watched the picture. I threw my sandwich in the trash.

  “What am I supposed to do?!” I yelled suddenly, shocking myself. “What am I supposed to do?”

  My voice sounded flat and dead in the silence of the kitchen. I felt foolish. It wasn’t like me to get all emotional.

  I stood there, just staring at the cupboards. The Ellimist … the bear … my father … What was I supposed to do? Leave my mom and sisters? Leave my dad? Leave my friends? Leave the whole messed-up planet?

  I imagined going to see my father down at the convention center. “Dad? I have this problem.” And he would put his arm around me and fluff my hair the way he always did and say, “Come on, kid. Don’t be so serious.”

  I turned the TV sound back on. My dad was grinning at something. He was doing some chatter with the anchor people back at the station.

  “… be leaving us soon, and we’re all sorry to hear that. But I know it will be a great opportunity for you.”

  “Yes, it will,” my father said. “Although I will really miss all the —”

  I snapped off the TV set. I felt sick inside. Like I had swallowed broken glass.

  I needed to get out of the house. I needed to stop thinking.

  I went upstairs and opened my bedroom window.

  Several minutes later, a large bald eagle flew from my window and soared high into the sky.

  We all met up later that afternoon at Cassie’s barn.

  Inside her barn there are rows of cages in all shapes and sizes, mostly full. Birds are in one area, with mammals separated from them by a partition wall. I guess it makes the birds nervous to be in the same room with foxes and raccoons. Nervous birds hurt themselves, banging around the cages.

  When I showed up at the meeting barefoot and in my morphing outfit, everyone immediately knew I hadn’t exactly taken the bus to get there.

  Jake and Marco were lolling on bales of hay.

  Tobias was perched on a crossbeam a few feet over our heads. I felt a stab of pain, seeing him that way again.

  Ax did not come to these meetings, usually. He would have had to assume his human morph, and he preferred to remain in Andalite form as much as possible.

  “Hi, Rachel,” Marco said, looking amused, but also a little wary. “What have you been up to? Or maybe I should ask, what have you been?”

  Cassie was busy changing the bandage on the wing of a sad-looking kestrel.

  “Hey, Rachel,” Cassie said. “Give me a hand here, will you? I didn’t see you at school today.”

  I went and held the struggling bird as well as I could. Kestrels are small falcons. This kestrel tried to take a bite out of me, but he was too weak to do any damage.

  “I felt kind of sick this morning,” I told Cassie. “So I stayed home.”

  “But you felt better this afternoon, huh?” Jake said. “So much better that you decided to morph? How did you get here, just out of curiosity?”

  Cassie was done and took the kestrel from me. I turned to look Jake in the eye. “I flew. Is that okay with you?”

  He glanced at Cassie. Then at Marco. “That bear you morphed yesterday … you went to The Gardens and acquired that all on your own, didn’t you?”

  “No,” I said, “I met that bear at the mall.”

  “Okay,” Jake said. “And today you ditch school and end up morphing … whatever you morphed.”

  Tobias said.

  “It’s so nice knowing I have privacy,” I said sarcastically.

  Tobias said.

  Jake looked at me sharply. “You spent the whole afternoon in morph?”

  “Yes, Mother,” I said.

  Jake jumped up and stood right in front of me, his face just inches from mine. “Don’t give me your sarcasm, Rachel. You are acting really weird. That’s everyone’s business, because if you do something stupid, we could all end up paying the price. You go and acquire a grizzly? Without backup? You could have been killed.”

  “So what?” I shot back. “You heard the Ellimist. We’re doomed. It’s going to be Yeerks one, humans zero. We lose. So who cares about anything? Who cares if I skip school to go flying?”

  Suddenly Jake just sagged. “I don’t know, Rachel. I don’t have any answers. I’m sick of trying to have answers. You decide. I don’t want to argue with you. I don’t know what your problem is, but you know what? You deal with it.”

  I’ve never seen Jake look so tired. One minute he was being strong, sensible Jake, leader of the Animorphs. And the next minute he looked exhausted. His eyes were red. He was blinking constantly. He looked like he was worn out just from breathing.

  “My dad wants me to move out of state with him,” I said.

  Everyone just kind of stared at me. They all had blank, tired eyes, not much different from Jake’s.

  “What are you going to do?” Cassie asked.

  I threw up my hands. “How can I even think about something that unimportant? I mean, like we don’t have bigger things to worry about? The fate of planet Earth and the human race?”

  “Different things bother different people,” Cassie said. “I know how you feel about your dad.”

  “He’s a jerk for dumping this on me!” I said loudly. “I mean … you know … I mean …”

  It was weird. All of a sudden I felt like I was choking. Like I was ready to explode. Like my brain was spinning out of control.

  “It’s like … what am I supposed to do?!” I yelled. “After what happened last night … after all that, I have to decide who I want to hurt — my mom or my dad? And you guys? And —”

  “Come on, Rachel,” Marco said kindly. “Take it easy. Come on, you’re Xena —”

  “NO! No, I’m not some stupid, old TV character. I’m not some comic book, Marco. I’m scared, okay?! Just like all the rest of you. I’m scared of what almost happened to me last night. I’m scared just knowing that place exists down there. I’m scared about what happens to me. I just wanted to run away but I didn’t think I could, so I was brave because that’s the way I’m supposed to be. But now everyone’s going, ‘Oh, just come live with me and we’ll go to ball games,’ and ‘Hey, forget moving to another state, we have a whole other planet for you.’ And the more exits I see, the more scared I get, all right?”

  For a long time no one said anything.

  Marco sighed heavily. “I’ve been thinking. I’m changing my vote. If the Ellimist asks again, I’m going to vote yes.”

  “What?” Jake demanded. “Why?”

  Marco shrugged. “Rachel’s losing it. If she loses it, how long are the rest of us going to last?”

  “Shut up, Marco, I’m not in the mood for your jokes,” I said.

  “Me neither,” Marco said flatly. “You know how much sleep I got last night? About an hour. Nightmares. I was a zombie in school today. I feel like … like my skin has all been rubbed with sandpaper. I’m jumpy. I’m scared. I’m stressed.”

  “It’s gonna happen,” Jake said.

  “This was always insane, right from the start,” Marco said. “A handful of kids fighting an alien invasion? Look what’s happening. Tobias is trapped in a morph. Rachel is starting to use morphing to get away from her problems. The other night I woke up in bed, and I didn’t know what I was. I didn’t know if I had hands or fins or claws or talons. Maybe you and Cassie are immune, Jake. But I doubt it.”

  “We can’t give up,” Jake argued stubbornly.

  “All we ever do is lose,” Marco said. “We annoy the Yeerks. Maybe we blow up a ship, or have some little success. But the invasion marches on. And all we ever do is barely escape with our lives. We’re like some baseball team that never wins a game. And now, according to the Ellimist, we know it’s going to be a whole losing season. We aren’t going to the play-offs.”

  “I don’t care,” Jake said. “I’m not giving up.”

  “Jake,” Cassie said. “See this?” She held up her left arm and pointed to a scar above her wrist. “I got this from a raccoon. The raccoon had been caught in a trap. Its leg was broken. I was trying to free it so I could save it. It bit me.”

  “We’re not raccoons,” Jake said.

  “Aren’t we? Compared to the Ellimist?” Cassie said. “Isn’t it just possible he’s right? That what he’s trying to do is save at least a part of the human race? That he’s just trying to get us out of the trap and fix our broken bones?”

  “Cassie’s right,” Marco said. “If the Ellimist wanted to hurt us, he could just destroy us. You know it as well as I do. Fine. I’m going to let him get my leg out of the trap. But I have some conditions first. There are some people going with me. But if the Ellimist can save those people along with me, then I have to say yes.”

  Marco looked at me. Then Jake and Cassie and Tobias all looked at me. The vote was now two against two. I was the deciding vote.

  It would mean no more battles. It would mean that somewhere, wherever the Ellimist took us, there would be no job in another state for my dad. There would be no more painful decisions for me to make.

  I opened my mouth. I started to speak.

  I PROMISED I WOULD ASK YOU AGAIN.

  “Uh-oh,” Marco said.

  I WILL SHOW YOU WHAT YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND.

  I WILL SHOW YOU WHAT YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND.

  In an instant, we were gone from the barn. The five of us and Ax stood side by side in the middle of an empty field of scruffy, unkempt grass. There was a long, low, tumbledown building a hundred yards away.

  The Ellimist was nowhere to be seen. We were the only people around: five humans and one Andalite. Five real humans.

 

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