Baycation (Bob and Nikki Book 21), page 4
Farts-Like-Skunk said, “Nice to meet you, Fumble. I’m Farts-Like-Skunk. I think your people like to make fun with names, too.”
He stuck out his hand to shake, and Fumble shook it. Then he asked, “What did he say?”
Jimmy handed him and Sit badges, and said, “He said that his name is Farts-Like-Skunk, and he thinks you got a bad deal on a name, too.”
Fumble said, “Nice to meet you, Farts-Like-Skunk. How did you earn your name?”
Catches Deer said, “How do you think?” Then she waved her hand in front of her face.
Fumble said, “I guess that was a dumb question, wasn’t it?”
Farts-Like-Skunk said, “You were trying to be friendly. That’s not dumb. Why do they call you Fumble?”
“I used to fall a lot, and I couldn’t tell when things were ready to eat.”
Catches Deer said, “There is a boy in our tribe. He used to be called ‘Falls-a-Lot’, but Bawb put him in the box, and now he is called Running Squirrel. Why didn’t you get a new name, when you came out of the box?”
Farts-Like-Skunk said, “He was older, when he went in the box, I bet. Like Pets Deer. No one wanted to learn a new name for him.”
Fumble said, “Something like that. I was used to it, too, and I didn’t want to change. Like my sister. She has legs now, but she hasn’t changed her name from Sit.”
Catches Deer looked sad. She crouched down to Sit. “You didn’t have legs? Poor thing.”
Sit said, “I wasn’t much help, but Mom and my brothers took care of me, and taught me to do things I could to help.”
Catches Deer said, “It is good to help. Now you help Bawb, on his ship?”
“I do.”
“Isn’t it scary, to go places you’ve never seen?”
“Sometimes. But I know I have Uncle Bob, and all the bots to take care of me. They won’t let anything bad happen.”
“My man, Farts-Like-Skunk, says that Bawb is a good friend. I just met him, but I think for once, Farts-Like-Skunk knows what he is talking about.”
“You’re right, Catches Deer. He is a good friend.”
Lilly came bouncing up. “Sit! You’re here! Come play with us!”
Sit said, “Okay. Nice to meet you, Catches Deer. You too, Farts-Like-Skunk.”
They took off to go play Frisbee.
John came over. I said, “Hey, John. How’s Greg doing with his driving?”
“As long as somebody is with him, he does alright. I’m not ready to turn him loose on his own, yet.”
“Did Topper find you with an ID, yet?”
“He did. I see the guys from the booth showed up.”
I replied, “They did. I wasn’t sure if they were coming, or not.”
“Do you think they’ll get in trouble?”
“We did all we could to avoid it, but you never can tell.”
John saw Catches Deer, and asked, “Farts, who is this fine-looking lady, and how are you getting her to hang around with you?”
Farts-Like-Skunk said, “Lots of gaw-lick, Jahn. Lots of gaw-lick.”
Catches Deer slapped him on the arm again. “Sometimes I wonder if it is worth the effort, to put up with him.”
John said, “I’m sure my wife feels the same. None of us are sure how Nikki puts up with Bob.”
“I haven’t met Nick-kee yet.”
I said, “She’s in the house yet, I think. That’s where most of the women are, anyway.”
She made herself known, right about then. She came to the end of the porch, and called out, “I need some strong men to carry the food out to the tables. Get your behinds up here, if you want to eat.”
John and I took off, and soon, Farts was running with us. Nikki didn’t have her badge on, so Farts asked, “What is it, Bawb? Is there trouble?”
“She said if we don’t get up here to help carry the food, we don’t get to eat.”
Farts, having longer legs, and being used to running, left John and me in the dust. John said, “I guess he’s hungry.”
“Appears that way.”
Jimmy caught up with us, and asked, “What’s with Farts?”
I replied, “I think he thinks he’ll get a bigger bowl, if he gets there first.”
Jimmy said, “Worth a shot. Bye.”
He took off. John said, “That won’t do.”
“No, it won’t.”
We did our best to catch up. Nearly did. Jimmy got a Dutch rub, just the same. We all took something, and headed toward the tables. Janet and Dee were there to make sure things got put where they belonged. We went back for another load, but we had enough help that it wasn’t necessary.
We all found seats, and I asked, “Dingus, would you do the honors?”
“Sure, Bob.” He blessed the animals’ spirits, and we all dug in. Catches Deer looked surprised. She asked Farts, “They do the blessing, like us?”
“They do. I told you they were good people, didn’t I?”
“You did.”
After supper, one of the Customs fellas wandered up to me. He asked, “That was a different blessing the older fella gave. What kind is that?”
I said, “That’s the way the furry folks do it. We picked up the habit from them.”
“Furry folks? You mean the Bigfoot?”
“Yep. You seem pretty calm about them. Your Boss seemed a little upset.”
“I used to be DEA. All the places they like to live are good places to grow smoke. We had hours and hours of infrared video of them going about their business in the woods, but we weren’t supposed to admit it to anyone. I’m surprised somebody hasn’t leaked some of it, by now. The Navy guys leaked that UFO footage, I would have thought the Bigfoot stuff would have been the next thing to get out.”
“That reminds me, I’ve been meaning to put someone on analyzing that Navy footage, to see if we could figure out whose ships those were, and what they were doing here. Excuse me just a second, if you would.”
“Sure.”
I called, “Sit, could I talk to you for a minute?”
She came running over, with a big smile on her face. “Yes, Uncle Bob?”
“Sorry, Little One, I have to be Boss for a minute. Have you heard about the video that the Earth Navy released, of UFOs?”
“Yes, Boss.”
“Do you think you and the geeks could take a look at it, and figure out what kind of ships they were, and what they were up to?”
“You want us to go over it again?”
“You already looked at it?”
“We did, Uncle, I mean, Boss.”
“What did you find?”
“We didn’t find anything that wasn’t either a Patrol flight, or a derelict we already knew about. Seems like the Squirrels are smart enough to stay away from cameras.”
“Thanks. Sorry I bothered you. That was all I needed.”
“That’s okay, Uncle Bob.”
She went back to playing with Lilly. The fellow I was talking to asked, “She analyzes video for you?”
“She analyzes anything I need analyzed. She was born without any legs, and the only way she had to pass the time was learning to use computers. She’s just a kid, but she can find anything, if it’s digital.”
“Isn’t she a little young to be working?”
“Yep, but she thinks it’s more like playing, anyway. We don’t keep her busy enough to cut into her free time that much.”
“You folks do things a little differently, don’t you?”
“I try to let people do the things they’re good at, and they try to do a good job. Usually works out well.”
“What if a person isn’t good at anything you need done?”
“Well, there are always teaching machines. You can pick up a new skill in twenty minutes or so. Of course, it’s not as good as practical experience, but it’s good enough to keep you from doing anything stupid, until you get the experience.”
John walked up. He asked, “Are you recruiting? I thought we were taking the night off.”
I said, “I didn’t mean to be, honest. He walked up and started asking questions. What was I supposed to do, refuse to answer, because it’s my night off?”
John said, “Nikki is right. It is fun to wind you up.”
The Customs fella said, “You guys aren’t very serious about command structure, are you?”
John said, “That depends on the situation. Right now, we’re off duty, having some R and R. In a fleet operation, I would follow Bob’s orders instantly, because he’s my superior. Right now, I’m giving him crap, because we were friends before any of this started.”
“It all sounds complicated, to me.”
I said, “We get it to work. Helps not to have much in the way of opposition. Things may have to get a lot more formal, if we ever run into someone who can give us a good fight.”
He looked confused. John said, “We lucked into the most powerful fleet in space, and we’ve improved it quite a bit since then. We don’t worry about much, really.”
I said, “Except that every time we find a new species, I have kittens, wondering if this is going to be the bunch who are strong enough to be a problem for us.”
“Wait, if your fleet is that strong, why do you mess around trying to make peace with the government? What do they have that you’re afraid of?”
I replied, “Nothing, but if we use modern weapons to take over, the Commonwealth will be on our backs, and that would be unhandy. Not that they have anything to take us on with, but they would feel obligated to try, and people might get hurt. Besides, if we wind up persona non grata in the Commonwealth, my kids wouldn’t be able to go see their grandma.”
John said, “We have a lot of friends in the Commonwealth, and we wouldn’t want to put them in the position of having to choose between us, and Commonwealth law.”
“I think I understand. I’m not sure I could be quite as forgiving as you folks have been, if I were in your shoes.”
I said, “We do the best we can. I can’t say I haven’t been tempted to do more, but I’ve yet to give in to it.”
The Customs boss walked up. He asked, “Headhunting my people, Admiral?”
“Nope. Just shooting the breeze.”
“He looked awfully interested.”
“I thought he was working on a report for your bosses.”
John said, “Me too. You mean you aren’t using this wonderful opportunity for intelligence gathering? You better pick up the pace. You’re going to need something to give your bosses. Bob didn’t give you that much cover. If you go back without something, they’re going to assume you are in league with us, and give you all kinds of crap.”
The younger fella spoke up. “They’ve got a point, Boss.”
The older fella said, “I know they do. I just didn’t think they would be so open about it.”
I said, “What good would it do to pretend we don’t all know what’s going on? Sure, we had a nice meal, with some good company. I can wish that’s all there was to it all I want, but I can’t ignore the facts, not if I’m doing my job at all.”
The young guy asked, “How do you mean?”
I said, “Look around. Every person you see, except for you Customs boys, is my responsibility. I have to look out for their best interest. That’s my job. If I’m not worrying, I’m not breathing.”
The older fella said, “I like the way you put that. Mind if I steal it?”
“Go right ahead. I’m sure it comes from something I heard, or something I read.”
He replied, “You sure have some odd folks working for you.”
I looked at John. “Frank’s here? I didn’t see him.”
John said, “I didn’t either. I don’t know what he’s talking about.”
He said, “You two have been doing this for a while, haven’t you?”
John said, “I suppose we have.”
“I meant the Kangaroo people, and the Bigfoot, and those other folks who aren’t quite human, or quite Bigfoot.”
I said, “None of the Squirrels made it down, did they?”
John said, “Nope. Yip didn’t either.”
“When are Yip and Lita transferring?”
“They took care of it while we were down here. I’m still not sure I can help them, though.”
I replied, “I don’t know much about it, but it looks quite a bit tougher than what you did for Thump’s people.”
“Doesn’t just look that way, Bob. Different numbers of chromosomes, one is a marsupial, and the other isn’t, I don’t even know where to start.”
I said, “Natti’s people must know a little something about such things, or they wouldn’t have been able to make Thump’s people in the first place.”
“You mind asking them, the next time you call?”
“Not at all. You really are worried you’ve bitten off more than you can chew, aren’t you?”
“I am, Bob. They want it to work, so bad. I’d hate to disappoint them.”
The Customs chief said, “We’re lost, so it doesn’t matter, but is this really something you want to be discussing in front of us?”
John said, “Well, I’m not subject to HIPAA, so that part doesn’t matter, and whether or not Yip and Lita can have kids isn’t really of any strategic importance, so I guess I don’t see what the issue would be.”
The younger fella asked, “You were talking about a couple being able to have kids?”
John said, “Yes, what did you two think we were talking about?”
The older fella said, “Didn’t really have a clue, to tell you the truth.”
I said, “A couple of people that work in logistics decided to get married. Since they aren’t the same species, having kids is going to be a problem for them. John is our head of Medical, so they transferred to his ship, so that he could help them. Which part didn’t you get?”
He said, “You make it all sound so normal, I just couldn’t believe I was hearing what I thought I was.”
I looked at John. “I know I’ve heard that word before, but I just don’t remember what it means.”
“Normal, you mean?”
“Yep.”
“It sounds familiar to me, too.”
The younger one spoke up. “You mean that nothing about what you do is normal, so a couple of people wanting kids, even though they aren’t the same species, doesn’t really get your notice, as being anything odd?”
I said, “As long as it’s been since we found Thump’s people, I’m really surprised it hasn’t come up before now.”
John said, “Well, Bob, it kinda has, but Will and Able are a lot closer together, as far as genes go.”
I asked, “They’re trying for kids?”
“Yep.”
“I bet Charlie is going to have fun with his new uncles and aunts.”
“You got that right.”
The older one said, “I’m nearly sure I’m gonna regret asking, but who’s this Charlie you folks talk about so much?”
I did my best to keep a straight face, and said, “D.B. Cooper’s grandson.”
He sputtered, and the younger fella looked concerned. He asked, “Who’s D.B. Cooper?”
John said, “He can tell you, when he gets his wind back.”
The older fella got ahold of himself, and said, “Tim, D.B. Cooper was a skyjacker, who never got caught. Mr. Wilson here claims he knows his grandson.”
I replied, “I know Will, too. He doesn’t go by D.B. His wife calls him Deebie, though.”
John said, “It’s one of Bob’s biggest disappointments that he’s an inch or so taller than Bob is, so he can’t call him ‘Little Deebie’.”
The older fella said, “If I hadn’t seen you turkeys back up what you say so many times, I’d swear you were pulling my leg.”
I said, “Believe whatever makes you happy. It’s a free country.”
The younger fella asked, “You don’t care if we believe you, or not?”
“I don’t know how I’d go about proving any of it to you, anyhow, so why would I care if you believe it, or not. I could show you a man who claims he was D.B. Cooper, and he’s young again because we put him in the autodoc. You’d still be in the place where you either have to believe it, or not.”
The older fella said, “That must be unhandy for you, not being able to tell if people are telling the truth, or not.”
John said, “He said you couldn’t tell. He didn’t say we couldn’t.”
“Oh?”
I said, “Well, one of our captains used to be a carny, and he taught us all to cold read, so that comes in handy. The Commonwealth has a machine that reads your brain waves, and shows if you’re telling the truth or not. We don’t use those as much as we once did, now that we trust the cold reading.”
The old fella looked like he was about to ask another question, and John said, “We used both methods side-by-side for a while, and we didn’t see any difference in the results, so why bother getting the equipment out?”
The younger guy asked, “What about sociopaths, and people like that?”
I said, “Then you’re out of luck, with either method, and you just have to hope you figure out what’s going on, before bad things happen.”
I must have had a tell, because the older fella asked, “Like what?”
“Like mutiny.”
“What happened to those folks?”
“They went for a walk. It didn’t happen in your jurisdiction, and legally, they were dead as soon as they joined up with the people who sent them into the black, so I don’t think you could even find something to charge me with, even if you wanted to, especially since I was the Master of a Vessel underway, at the time.”
“I guess I’m missing something. They went for a walk?”
The younger fella said, “He just said he was the Master of a Vessel underway, Boss. He spaced them.”
“Oh.”
John said, “He did take their suits, before he put them out, so they didn’t have to wait for their air to run out.”
The older fella stood up a little straighter. He said, “I didn’t realize that you were capable of that sort of thing, Admiral. All the higher ups make you out to be kind of a fool, who stumbled onto a spaceship, and thinks he’s something special.”
I said, “Well, that’s closer to the truth than I’d really like to admit, if I was being honest. At least I’m not dumb enough to think I knew what I was doing, back then. I’ve been training hard, and we’ve been through a lot, since those early days. I don’t think I’m as easy meat, as I once was.”
