A Light in the Flame, page 44
“As I said, that’s what I don’t get.” Bele stared at the ceiling. “Why would he allow her to do that? There has to be a reason.”
I stared at my hands—at the nails that had cracked and chipped from clawing at the ground. I couldn’t think of a single reason that not only explained but made sense for why Nyktos would allow Veses to feed from him. I curled my fingers inward, hiding my nails. And I didn’t want to think about those reasons—about any of this.
The embers suddenly shimmied to life inside me, stretching as if waking up. I tensed as my gaze flew to the doors, my heart thumping.
She followed my gaze. “What?”
“He comes,” I said.
“Fucking special Primal embers,” she muttered. “Like why don’t I feel that since I’ve technically Ascended?” she went on. “It’s total bullshit.”
The door swung open, but not the main one. Nyktos walked in through the adjoining door and came to a halt as his gaze landed on me.
Time felt as if it stopped as we looked at each other, and an urge to rise and go to him came out of nowhere. I even pitched forward as if to stand before I caught myself.
Then Nyktos moved and approached the bed. The steel-gray of his tunic and the silver brocading across the neck and over his chest and stomach reminded me of the color of his eyes and the wisps of eather in them. He halted again, seeming to suddenly become aware of Bele’s presence.
She kicked her head back and grinned up at him. “Hi.”
“Can you give us a moment?” he said.
“But I was just getting comfortable,” Bele protested.
Nyktos stared at her, and whatever she saw got her moving. “Fine.” She popped up. “I’ll give you two several moments,” she said, and I almost reached out and stopped her.
I knew what was coming, and I wasn’t ready.
But I wasn’t a coward. That was what I told myself as I watched her slowly leave the room and close the door behind her. I may have been foolish and naïve—too reckless this time around, in a way I’d never experienced before—but I wouldn’t run again.
Feeling Nyktos’s stare, I pulled my attention from the door. Our gazes locked. Only faint traces of eather were visible in his eyes. “How are you feeling?” he asked.
“Perfect for someone who has been in stasis for three days,” I said, proud of how steady my voice was and how unbothered I sounded.
Something I didn’t recognize rippled in his eyes. He glanced at the bathing chamber, and then his gaze settled on me. He didn’t speak. Silence fell between us.
It was me who ended it. “I found where Delfai is.”
“I know. Nektas told me. He’s in Irelone.”
“Then I need to go there—”
“I don’t want to talk about that right now,” he interrupted, taking a deep breath. “I mean, that’s not what I’m here for.”
The impenetrable emptiness felt more like a veneer in that moment. “What is it that you want to talk about?”
He came forward about a foot before stopping. “I’m sorry.”
Every muscle in my body locked up. “For the compulsion?” I waved my hand. “I didn’t like it, but I understand why you did it. I doubt anyone wants to rebuild this palace.”
His brows pinched as his gaze swept over my features. “I do need to apologize for that. I don’t like to use it, even when it’s necessary.”
“I know.”
Eather stilled in his eyes as he stared at me. “But I’m apologizing for what you thought you saw.”
Disbelief rocked the emptiness, threatening to shake it up. “I know what I saw.”
“You don’t.”
Anger sparked, but I refused to let it ignite. I knew it wouldn’t stop there because a far more dangerous emotion loomed behind it. One that hurt. One that could hurt others. “I saw you with the Primal you called the worst sort in your lap. She was riding you as she drank from you. Is that not what I saw?”
“She wasn’t—” Tension bracketed his mouth.
“Wasn’t what? Tell me how what I saw wasn’t what it looked like,” I demanded. “That it wasn’t the first time it’s happened.”
His gaze sharpened. “What was said to you?”
“Does it matter?” I thought of Bele’s confusion over why he would allow this. Of my own. “So, this wasn’t the first time?”
He stared in silence for several moments. “No.”
I already knew that. I didn’t even know why I’d asked. Didn’t know why I continued to open my mouth. “Why were you with her?”
The glow dimmed in his eyes. “Because I was.”
“Because I was,” I heard myself repeat as I stared at him. A shocked laugh left me as my stomach pitched. “That’s all you have to say?”
He turned his head away. Silence.
Of course, he would go silent now. I felt another spark of fury, stronger than before. “When I made that deal with you—pleasure for the sake of pleasure—I should’ve made the same demand you made of me. That such intimacies remained only between us. My mistake.” The embers in my chest hummed as I forced a deep, slow breath in and out of my lungs. But the anger let some of the bitterness seep from the box and rise to the surface. “Or, at the very least, discussed who else you would be sharing such intimacies with so I could be prepared in case I happened to walk in on something hours after telling you that I wanted to be your Consort.”
He flinched.
The Primal actually flinched. I should’ve celebrated the blow I’d intended to land, but I couldn’t. It didn’t feel good. I rose and walked to the fireplace. “We don’t need to discuss this.”
“I think we do.”
“We don’t. Because I don’t care.”
“That’s not true,” he argued, and I turned, not even surprised to see that he had followed in that annoyingly quiet shadowstep way of his. “What happened by the pool was because you care, and I—” He looked away, his chest rising sharply. “What matters is that I caused you to lose control. I hurt you.” His eyes met mine again, now full of whirling wisps of eather. “I didn’t want that. I never wanted that. And I hate that I hurt you. I am sorry, Sera.”
I stepped back, a physical reaction I couldn’t stop because he sounded genuine. Like he really did know that he’d hurt me. That I had a reason to be hurt. Somehow, him acknowledging that was so much worse than I could’ve imagined. I felt the veneer becoming even more fragile. “Don’t apologize,” I said, finding my voice as I folded my arms over my chest. “What you hurt was my ego. That is all.”
Nyktos shook his head. “Sera—”
“It is I who is sorry.”
He jerked, his eyes widening. “For what?”
“For what you think you know,” I parroted his words. “I was foolish and naïve to believe you when you said there had been no one before me. I should’ve seen right through that the first time we were together. That is how you hurt my ego.”
His nostrils flared. “That wasn’t a lie.”
“I think it’s time for you to stop lying.”
“I’ve wanted no one but you, Sera.”
I laughed, the sound cold as I refused to let his words sink in. Because I couldn’t trust him, and I couldn’t trust what I would do with those words.
“I know what you think you saw, Sera, but we were not having sex,” he said, his eyes flashing an intense silver as my gaze snapped to his. “If you think you saw that, you are wrong. I have absolutely nothing to gain by lying.”
I backed up but then stopped. I wasn’t sure what he had to gain by lying, nor was I sure what I had to gain by the smidgen of relief I felt. “Then what did I see?” I asked again because, as I’d already proven, I was a fool.
A muscle ticked along the curve of his jaw, and I let myself glance at his throat. There was no bite mark, but I could still see it in my mind. “What you saw is…it’s complicated.”
I inhaled deeply, confused and rapidly losing control of my hold on my anger. “Again, that’s all you have to say? Don’t even bother answering. I don’t care that you were with her. That’s not—” I stopped myself with another laugh. Stop lying. I stiffened, realizing there was no face to save. When I lost control under the palace, I’d laid myself bare. “You know what? Seeing you with her did hurt my feelings. I don’t know why. It shouldn’t have. You have made no promises to me. And I have asked none from you. This union between us was never something that either of us desired. We don’t need to discuss what you were or weren’t doing any further. I know what I saw. You’ve apologized. It is what it is.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means the deal we made? It’s over. The only thing between us now are these stupid embers. I want them gone, and then I want to be gone.”
He took a measured step toward me. “Gone from what exactly?”
“From here,” I said. “From you.”
Hollows formed beneath his cheekbones. “You can’t be gone from me.”
I stiffened. “If you say that because I must become your Consort, I understand all the reasons why. But I will be that in name only. And once you remove the embers and Kolis is defeated, I want out of this. I want my freedom. That’s the deal I should’ve made with you.”
Eather churned in his eyes. “Is that the deal you’re asking for now?”
I lifted my chin, holding my arms tight against me to stop them from trembling. I had to, or that shaking would move into my chest. And I had to say what I did next because I couldn’t feel that hurt again. I couldn’t lose control. “Yes.”
Nyktos went completely still. “Then so be it,” he said, and the words felt like an oath.
A bond.
Unbreakable.
Chapter 32
“Are you sure you’re well?” Orphine asked, glancing at me as we walked toward the stairs the following morning.
This was the second time she’d asked, and both times she posed the question, I had been surprised. “I’m fine.”
Orphine said nothing to my response, but doubt settled into her features. She didn’t believe me.
I was tired and not in the greatest mood. I’d barely slept the night before, and I wasn’t sure if that had to do with being unconscious for three days or my conversation with Nyktos.
Or how I kept looking at the adjoining door, wondering why Nyktos suddenly no longer believed he needed to keep me within arm’s reach.
And hating myself a little for even wondering that.
But I was fine.
Empty. Blank.
Which was perfect. I had plans. Something I’d decided in the midst of my marathon pacing session during the night. I needed to discuss traveling to Irelone, and I would do so with the utmost maturity and detachment.
If I could handle my mother, I could handle Nyktos.
The embers in my chest vibrated as we reached the first-floor hall, but I hesitated in the shadowy alcove. The doors were ajar. Before, I wouldn’t have thought twice about walking straight in. Aware that Orphine was watching me, I raised a hand to knock. Something Bele had said intruded in that moment. If Nyktos didn’t want people to talk, then he would make sure no one found anything to discuss, right? But I really—
“You can come in,” Nyktos’s voice rang out from within the office.
I froze, my hand suspended in the air.
“Whenever you’re ready,” Nyktos added after a moment.
Lowering my hand, I ignored the way Orphine stared at me and briefly closed my eyes, silently mouthing a string of curses. Then I opened the door.
Rhain stood to Nyktos’s right, and he sat behind his desk, closing one of the Books of the Dead. His hair was swept back, and I thought…he looked paler around the corners of his eyes and his mouth. There were also shadows beneath his eyes as his muted gaze swept over my thick braid, vest, and tailored leggings like thick tights. That was all I let myself notice as I walked forward, but something I shouldn’t be feeling blossomed at the sight of the paleness and those shadows. Concern.
“I’ve never known you to knock.” Nyktos’s gaze rose to mine, and the glow of eather pulsed faintly behind his pupils.
“I didn’t want to interrupt,” I explained.
Rhain stared at me.
“That is also not something I’ve seen you worry about in the past.” Nyktos leaned back in his chair. He wore a dark gray tunic, though one without the silver brocade.
“Well, I’ve learned to knock,” I replied.
The corners of his mouth tightened.
I clasped my hands together, reminding myself to breathe deeply, slowly, and not to, as Rhain had so succinctly put it, lose my shit. “I hoped I could have a moment of your time.” I peeked at Rhain. He continued staring at me as if he’d never seen me before. “If not, I can come back.”
“Are you feeling unwell?” Rhain blurted out.
“I feel quite fine,” I told him. “And I don’t know why everyone keeps asking me that.”
“Keeps?” Nyktos questioned.
“Orphine asked if I was fine about two dozen times,” I said, exaggerating.
“Probably because you’re being…” Rhain frowned. “Polite.”
My expression mirrored his. “I don’t know why that would make anyone think I’m unwell.”
“Have you met yourself?” Rhain countered.
Nyktos glanced at him, and the god sighed. “I’m heading out to the Rise.” He bowed, and then with one last curious look in my direction, he left us.
Alone.
Nyktos watched me as he remained reclined in his chair, one hand lifting to curl around his chin.
I sat on the edge of the seat before his desk. “I won’t take up much of your time—”
“You can have all the time you want, Seraphena.”
Seraphena.
Gods, I wanted to hate how he curled his tongue around my name, making it sound like both a wicked whisper and a reverent prayer.
I kept my hands clasped. “Thank you, but I don’t think I will need that much. I’m sure you’re busy.”
He drew his thumb across his lower lip, his gaze still fastened to mine. I didn’t think he’d blinked once. “What is it that you want that won’t take much time?”
Something about his tone left me a little unsteady. A…softness. “I want to discuss Irelone. I would like to go there as soon as possible. I figured Nektas could travel with me.”
“I’m going with you,” he said, the eather brightening behind his pupils. “I need to hear exactly what Delfai says about the embers to ensure that I can carry out the process of removing them.”
Irritation hummed from deep within. Traveling with Nyktos anywhere was…well, not opportune. And I was confident that Nektas could relay any pertinent details effectively. Still, I squashed my irritation. “Okay.”
He arched a brow. “Okay?”
I nodded.
Nyktos’s eyes narrowed slightly as he drew his thumb along his lip once more. “I’m assuming you would like to leave right now.”
“I would.”
“I would like to wait until tomorrow.”
I gritted my teeth. “And why would you like to do that?”
“Because one of Kyn’s draken was spotted this morn over the Black Bay,” he shared, and I tensed. “The draken hasn’t made any move against us. He’s just been circling at the edges of our territory.”
Us. Our.
I squeezed my hands. “What do you think he’s doing?”
“Scouting. Likely seeing how many guards we have on the Rise,” he said, and I tensed even further as he dragged the edge of his fangs across his lip. “And probably trying to get a good look at the armies, which he will not be able to.”
“Do the other Primals not know the size?”
“They only know that I have one, and that it’s sizable. But not even Dorcan knew the exact size,” he answered. “I want to be here just in case my suspicions are wrong.”
“Understandable,” I said. “If the draken attacks, I want to be of aid.”
“Of course.”
Now it was my turn to stare in confusion. “Of course? As in you will not demand that I remain back?”
“I have learned not to ask that of you,” he replied. “Or to expect you to stand down when you need to help—when you want to.”
“You’re not worried that I’ll get myself and the embers killed?”
“I worry about that every waking second,” he said. “But I’ve also learned that it’s something I will need to deal with.” He shifted, straightening in his chair. “Besides, the other deal you made, the one in the courtyard, was that you wanted to be of aid. I agreed. That has not changed.”
I blinked rapidly, having figured that all our agreements had been voided. “Then we leave in the morning.”
Nyktos nodded. A moment passed. “Nektas said you knew the woman Delfai was with? Was she the one you spoke about before?”
“It’s Princess Kayleigh—Tavius’s once-betrothed,” I said with a nod. “She should be at Cauldra Manor, in Massene—a village in Irelone, near the capital. I remember her saying it was the Balfour ancestry home. I’m hoping there’s a gateway near.”
He smiled then, a little wider, warmer. “We lucked out with one being so close to Wayfair, but there are none within Irelone that I would trust using. However, we don’t need a gateway. We will shadowstep.”
I started to ask how that would be possible, but then I remembered how he’d taken me from the Great Hall in Wayfair. “So, you’re going to have to knock me out.”
“I will do my best to make sure you feel no pain and that it’s quick,” he assured me. “The only alternative is that we enter through Spessa’s End or Pompay, where the closest gateways to Irelone are, which would be rather time-consuming.”
“It’s fine,” I told him. “I can deal with it.”
“I know you can.” A pause. “You can deal with anything.”
I stilled, once again struck off-kilter by his too-soft tone as he continued to eye me closely, enough to make my skin prickle with awareness. I was grateful we had nothing else to discuss. I unclasped my hands, beginning to rise—
“Nektas told me you ran into the nymphs on your return from the Vale.”
