Broken: Macy's Story, page 27
Hannah slept on the futon across the hall. After she finished getting sick, I helped her to the bathroom where she showered. Then I helped her to the futon. The entire time she had snide remarks and hurtful words, but I let her say them. As soon as her head hit the pillow, she started snoring, and she’d been out ever since.
At some point in the middle of the night, I ran out of paper. I checked my dresser drawers for a clean sketchbook. I never ran out. Keeping extra sketchbooks on hand was a must for an artist. When I moved up here I had three clean ones, never touched. But there they lay across my bed. Full with my feelings. “Wow,” I whispered to myself as I flipped through pages. I must have done a lot of venting.
But not really. Some pages were doodles and a myriad of colors, some were setting pieces like a drawing of the church or Gram’s front porch or the pileated woodpecker that always visited Gram’s birdfeeder. Most though were people. My people. Lillian laughing at the dinner table. Pedro at the lighthouse. Gram’s sweet smile while holding a cup of coffee. And a newer one of Derek sitting on the front pew at church.
I picked up the one sketchbook I just finished and studied the artwork I sketched tonight. I tried drawing what I remember of Aunt Tessa. Another drawing was a baby in the crib alone. But then I stopped flipping through the pages when I saw the one I sketched of two girls swinging on the bell’s rope in a church vestibule. “Hannah,” I whispered, running my hand over the page. Like a wave of sorrow, I suddenly felt the deepness of her pain. A girl in love, ready to get married. And it had been ripped from her.
By me.
I set the book down and tried to even out my breathing. Yes, I knew that I wasn’t entirely responsible. I could argue that she should have never showed the sketchbook to Jake in the first place. That if she wouldn’t have been so mean, none of this would have happened. But why would I draw an entire sketchbook completely devoted to Jake? What would make me think it was okay to let him in my room, time-and-time again? Why would I take her car to steal liquor only to purposefully drink and puke in it? Why shouldn’t Hannah hate me?
And even though I was still in shock over the big family secret, it surprisingly didn’t concern me as much as repairing my sister. I needed to make it right. Somehow.
“Please God,” I prayed. “Please help me fix this.”
As soon as the words left my mouth, I heard a thud and then footsteps heading to the bathroom. Suddenly Hannah was moaning.
“Do you need anything?” I asked, peeking inside.
“Nothing from you,” she said. She sat on the toilet, her head in her hands, moaning. “My head hurts so badly.”
I opened the medicine cabinet and took out the aspirin bottle. “Can your stomach handle a couple aspirin?”
Hannah made a disgusted face. “No. Nothing. I feel like there’s poison in there eating away at my stomach.”
“Need help back to the room?”
“Just go away.”
I set the aspirin bottle on the counter. “Here’s medicine if you decide to take some.”
I left her in the bathroom and shut the door to my room. I leaned against the door, my heart heavy. Checking my phone, I saw it was past four in the morning. But sleep wasn’t an option. Too much was going on in my brain. Making a quick decision, I grabbed my Converse, put them on, and laced them up.
As I threw on a sweatshirt, I heard the sobs. I stopped and listened. They weren’t loud and obnoxious, but stifled and heartbreaking. I went out of the room and opened the bathroom door just a tiny bit. “Hannah?”
“I told you to go away.”
“I…can’t.”
I heard movement. Hannah blew her nose, then flushed the toilet. The water from the faucet ran, and the pill bottle opened. Suddenly the door flew open. Her eyes were bloodshot and puffy, her nose was red, her skin blotchy, and she still was pretty. “What will it take for you to leave me alone?”
“I don’t know. I’m worried about you.”
“Don’t be. You weren’t worried a few months ago.” She pushed past me to the other bedroom.
Sighing, I said, “I’ll be back in a few. In case anyone’s wondering.” I moved toward the steps.
“Where are you going?”
“There’s a place I go when I want to think. I tried to sketch, but I’m all out of paper. I’ll be back.”
“Where is it? It’s in the middle of the night, it’s not like you can just leave the house.”
“Why not? I’ve done it before.” I took the first step, then stopped and turned around. “Come with me.”
“Are you out of your mind? I can think of a million other things I’d rather do then go with you.”
“I thought I’d give it a shot.” I took the rest of the steps down. I had no idea why I had invited her. The invitation sort of came out without any thought. Luckily she saw the disaster that it would be.
“Wait,” she said from the top of the steps. “I’ll go, but only because I want to see where you are sneaking off to at four in the morning. And to make sure you don’t take my car like last time.”
“Uh, o-kay,” I said in surprise, silently kicking myself. “Aren’t you still sick?”
“I feel like garbage,” she said. “But I took an aspirin, and I’m still going.”
“All right. Dress warmly. Wear tennis shoes.”
I took Gram’s keys on the hallway table and went to wait in the car. The night smelled fresh and clean, and the clear sky looked like an explosion of stars. But an owl hooted and some critter scurried along the side of the house, which was enough to get me in the car.
Hannah eventually came outside, scowling at me. “Why did you ask her to go?” I asked myself.
She slid in beside me. “Is it a bar?” she asked. “Do you seriously sneak out of our grandparents’ house to booze it up?”
“At four in the morning? Are bars open that late?”
“Don’t ask me. You’re the drinker.”
“Coming from the girl who’s got about twelve liquor bottles on the floor of her car and just puked her guts out on Gram’s front yard.”
“You started it. It’s not my fault you’re a bad influence. But now that we know who your mother is, it sort of makes sense, doesn’t it?”
I was backing out of the driveway, but I slammed the brakes. “Listen, I get it. You don’t like me. I’ve done bad things. I don’t even blame you. But if you’re going to come with me, ease up on the attitude!”
“So, I’m getting under your skin?” she said with a smirk. “Good.”
Against better judgment, I put the car in drive and headed to the beach. Hannah stayed quiet, staring out the window. Until we drove through downtown. “See?” she said. “That bar’s open.”
“I’m not going to a bar,” I said.
“So you confine your drinking to cars?”
“I haven’t really drank since I’ve been up here. I did one time, but I don’t know, a friend helped me to see that I didn’t really need it.”
“Friend? That guy who showed up at the pool?”
“Derek is my friend, but I was talking about someone else.”
“Who?”
“Pedro. You haven’t met him, and I doubt you will.”
“There’s a Derek and a Pedro?” Hannah raised her eyebrows. “If I didn’t hate you so much, I’d be impressed.”
“There isn’t anything to be impressed about. Pedro was the other housekeeper at the motel, and Derek and his daughter live at the motel.”
“Oh okay, now I understand. They don’t have a lot of options.”
I bit my tongue. No use arguing with her.
I pulled up to the beach and parked the car. Hannah had already opened her door and had begun walking to the shore. I quickly followed.
At the shoreline, we both sat on the sand and stared out at the dark water and the light of the moon bouncing off of it. We didn’t speak for a long time. Something about the lake was so peaceful. I yawned. Laying back against the sand, I stared up at the stars. But sleepiness took hold and before I knew it, I was out.
***
The vibrating in my pocket woke me up. I fumbled to find it, not quite ready to wake up. “Hello?” I croaked.
“Where are you?” Gram asked, panicked.
“At the beach. With Hannah.”
I opened my eyes to see Hannah sound asleep beside me.
“Oh, thank God,” Gram said. “By the way, I think your parents may be coming up.”
“We’ll be back in a little bit.”
I turned the phone off and saw Hannah now watching me. “I guess our parents are coming up. Or, your parents.”
Hannah sighed and rolled her eyes. “Let me guess. They expect us to get back right away.”
“Feeling better?”
“A little. I still feel like death warmed over, and I have sand everywhere, but my head isn’t pounding as badly.”
I sat up and stretched. “Wow, it’s past nine. And I didn’t even get to take you to my spot.”
“This wasn’t it?”
“Nope. It’s the lighthouse.” I pointed out to it.
“You walk all the way to it?”
“Yeah, want to see?”
“I’m in major need of a shower. I have sand in my underwear.” She paused, “Then again, I’m not about to drop everything and head back to our parents just because they tell us to. Come on, show me the lighthouse.”
I didn’t correct her when she said our parents. Truth to be told, I didn’t know what else they were to me. With the whole Hannah situation, the Aunt Tessa situation had been put on the backburner. And I knew why. I wasn’t ready to address it. Not yet. I couldn’t wrap my brain around Mom and Dad not being my Mom and Dad.
Hannah and I took the walkway all the way up to the lighthouse. “Wow,” she said, looking around.
“Just wait until you get up there. You go first. Lean and grab the ladder.”
She didn’t act scared or anything. Hannah reached for the ladder and climbed up without hesitation. “Impressive,” I said.
I moved to climb the ladder while Hannah had already left me to walk the perimeter of the lighthouse. I still had a little cold knot of fear every time I climbed the ladder. But I made it.
“This is where you go,” she said simply.
“Yep. See? It’s not a bar.”
She stared out across the horizon. For whatever reason, I wanted her to approve. We stayed there, both not speaking. Eventually, she said, “I never wanted to be a pastor’s wife. That’s what Dad and Mom were grooming me and Jake for. To be assistant pastors, then to take over for them.” Hannah turned to me. “I’m not cut out to be a minister’s wife. I don’t even like people.”
“You…love people. You have so many friends.”
“Everyone annoys me. And it all feels so fake. I hated smiling all the time. And being so busy. There was always something going on. Some event or church special.” She stared out at the water. “I never wanted it. I just wanted to be left alone.”
“One thing I’ve learned while living up here, is how freeing it is to be away from…Mom.”
“You were always Dad’s favorite,” she said, still not looking at me. “He was always telling me to include you, or to be nice. It was annoying. Mom in one ear ordering me to beat you, and Dad in the other ear telling me to be kind.”
“Dad loves all of us. He fights for you too. He told me that himself after he…,” I paused, realizing that she probably didn’t know about Jake coming up here.
“What Dad do?”
“He punched Jake in the face,” I admitted, not wanting to lie anymore.
“When was that?” Hannah’s tone had shifted. She must have noticed my hesitation. “When was that, Macy?”
“Jake came up north to confront me,” I said. “Pedro pushed him off Gram and Gramp’s porch, and then the next morning, Dad went to his hotel room, knocked on the door and punched him in the face. So Jake went to the police to press charges.”
“He came up here?” her face crumpled. “To be with you?”
“N…N…No…”
“Don’t LIE to me! He broke up with me because he had feelings for you! He said that he had tried to deny them for months, but with you gone, he realized how much he wanted YOU! Not me!”
“Hannah, I told him no. I told him to get out of my life. I didn’t want him up here.”
“But you had already done the damage, Macy! Don’t you get it?”
“I do! I get it, and I’m sorry. If I could take it back, I would.”
“But you can’t.” Hannah’s expression turned to stone. Only her quivering chin gave away her heartbreak. “You get to move up north, and of course, our grandparents are more than thrilled to have Tessa’s daughter living with them. And you get to start fresh. With Derek. With Pedro. Whatever other guy you have up your sleeve. You just get to have everything, don’t you?”
“I don’t have everything,” I said. But Hannah had already turned to go down the ladder. “Be careful!” I said, but she lithely jumped to the walkway without any pause. I clamored down, calling, “WAIT!” I was a bit slower than she had been. Once I got on the walkway, I moved fast. “Hannah, wait!” It wasn’t until she had nearly reached the street that I caught up with her. “Will you wait a second?!” I yelled, grabbing her arm.
She whirled around. “Don’t touch me.”
“At least let me explain.”
“Explain what?”
“I don’t know. Let me drive you back to the house.”
“No. I want nothing to do with you. I’m going to go to my car, and I’m going to leave. And we’re never to see each other again. The end.”
“Hannah, don’t do this,” I said, reaching for her again. “I did the right thing this time. Can’t you see that Jake is bad? That you can do so much better than him?”
She ran a shaky hand through her tangled hair, only to stop. Then she began to sob.
“What kind of guy sneaks into a girl’s room who happens to be his girlfriend’s sister? And he took advantage of both of us. I was so socially awkward and jealous of you, and he knew that and played me. I’m not saying that I’m innocent because I know I’m not. But Hannah, you deserve better than him.”
“But he was the one I wanted,” she said through the tears.
“I know. I wish he was the type of man you deserve. Shoot, I wish I was the sister you deserve. Because you deserve good things. And I’m sorry I never noticed that before.” Tears poured down her face, so I kept going. I said what needed to be said, “I have been so jealous of you, and I ruined our sisterhood and any hope of friendship we may ever have. And I’m going to have to live with that. But please don’t mourn over that jerk. Because there are a billion guys who would treat you like a queen if given the chance.”
She wiped at her eyes and blew out a breath. “I don’t know what to do. I’m such a mess. I quit college to focus on the wedding, and now it’s like our family is falling apart with Mom and Dad fighting. Over you, of course. But there’s other things, like Dad wanting to step down and Mom not wanting him to. And I’m just like in the middle of everything with the rug pulled out from under me, and I feel like I can’t even breathe.”
“Start again,” I said. “That’s what I did up here. You’re right. Coming up here was good for me. It’s been hard work, but I’ve made friends, and I have a job, and I help Gram and Gramps at the church. It feels good. Maybe do the same thing.”
Hannah stared at her hands. “Not everyone can do things as easily as you, Macy.”
“What are you talking about? You’re the most talented person I know.”
“I have to work at singing and playing the piano. It comes naturally to you. You’ve never had to practice. I had to clunk on the piano over and over again to make it sound remotely close to your melodies.”
“I never knew that.” Memories of the two of us at the piano came flooding back. All I remembered was Mom telling me to stop hogging the piano and let Hannah have a turn.
“Let’s get back. I need to shower, and so do you.”
I sniffed my armpit. “I’m not that bad.”
“Stop doing that. It’s unladylike.” Hannah headed to the car.
“You sound like Mom.”
We slid into our seats, and I started the engine. I reversed the car, then put it in drive. Hannah didn’t say a word until we were almost to the house. “Drop me off at my car.”
“Oh, do you need to get your things?”
“No, I’m going to take off.”
I pulled into the motel and stopped the car. “What about Mom and Dad coming up? They’ll want to see you.”
Hannah didn’t respond at first. Instead, she rested her hand on the door handle. She didn’t say anything at first. As if deciding on the words, she said, “Macy, I knew the moment I found your sketchbook that I shouldn’t show Jake.”
“You found it? Not Mom?”
“She asked me to set a laundry basket on your bed, and I snooped around. When I found all those drawings, I wanted to put you in your place once and for all. That didn’t happen. I saw it in Jake’s eyes when he saw the pics. He started looking at you differently. So, I know that he is largely responsible for this huge mess, and so am I. And I’ve got to deal with that.” Without looking me in the eye, she added, “But you could have said no. He came to you, but from what he admitted to me, you didn’t turn him away. I get that Jake played you. But he was my fiancé, and you did things with him that were meant for me.”
“I know,” I whispered, feeling the guilt weigh heavily on my shoulders. “With him, I felt wanted. Even though we had to hide. That was how I validated it. But there’s no getting around it. I’m the villain in this story. And I don’t know how to make it right.”
“Time,” she said simply. “I can’t pretend it didn’t happen. I’m not saying that I’ll never forgive you. And I’m not saying that I don’t love you. But I can’t forget just yet. The emotions are still raw. You’ve got to give me time.”
